“And what?”
“Did you learn anything?” I whispered as my neck and cheeks grew warm. Sex was not something I was comfortable talking about.
Missy flipped a few of her blonde ringlets over her shoulder. “Of course, I did. Wanna borrow them and use some of the moves you learn on lover boy over there?” She pointed in Derek’s general direction.
“Nope,” I said, making the P pop. I wanted to read them, maybe, but I definitely would not be using anything in any of those books on Derek.
“Suit yourself.”
After class, I gathered up my stuff and exited the Computer Lab with Missy at my side. I spotted Derek standing at the edge of Mrs. Meeks’ desk. His eyes shifted my way; I smiled and waved, but got no response out of him.
“Ouch, I figured you’d at least get a freaking smile. What the heck is his deal?” Missy asked as we rounded the plate-glass wall that separated the library from the hall.
My heart sunk to my stomach. I knew exactly what his problem was. “I finally told him what Kyle said to me that night.”
“So? Wasn’t that obvious to everyone?”
“True,” I picked at my cuticles as we walked. “But that added in with everything else that happened that night, kind of makes me feel like being with Derek is somehow disrespectful to Kyle, especially since he’s gone.”
“And you told him that?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, my god, no wonder he’s acting like such a dick,” Missy said, tossing her hands in the air dramatically. “Why didn’t you tell me you felt like this sooner? I would have snapped you back to reality in no time.”
I shrugged my shoulder. “I don’t know.”
“Well just stop! You cannot think like that!” Missy slapped my arm with the back of her hand roughly. “Whatever happens between you and Derek is not disrespectful at all to Kyle, because he knew how you felt about him. He probably always did. He was just trying to see how far he could push you, I bet. Kyle only acted the way he did that night, because he was pissed you chose Derek over him and it was displayed right in front of his face. If he were still alive, he’d more than likely be over it by now.”
“You really think so?”
“Of course!” Missy smiled. “So why don’t you stop torturing the poor boy and start drawing him back in?” She nodded over her shoulder in Derek’s general direction.
I laughed. “I’ll think about it.”
For the remainder of the day, all I did was think about what Missy had said. I thought about it from every angle and each time, no matter how I created the scenario or what Missy had said, being with Derek still seemed wrong to me. Maybe, it was because more time needed to pass, or maybe it was simply that I needed Derek—the one person who knew Kyle better than me—to tell me that it was okay for us to be together, that Kyle wouldn’t have hated me forever for it.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
As soon as school let out, I did something I rarely did on afternoons when I didn’t have to work—I went straight home. The day had been exhausting and nothing sounded better than curling up on the sofa with a bowlful of cherry-vanilla ice cream and watching reruns of insanely dramatic reality TV shows.
Mom’s car sat parked in the driveway when I pulled in. I couldn’t believe I had forgotten today must have been one of her off days at the hospital. This totally screwed up my plans of ice cream before dinner and hogging the remote.
“You’re home early,” Mom said as soon as I stepped through the front door. She sat curled up at the edge of the couch in a pair of sweats and my dad’s oversized T-shirt, cradling a cup of coffee in her hands, and the overpowering smell of Lysol tickled my nose. She’d been cleaning all day. “Bad day?”
“Kind of,” I admitted without giving any details, knowing that if I had lied she would have known anyway and pressed for the truth.
“Anything you want to talk about?” she asked over the rim of her coffee cup, eyeing me.
“Not really, no.”
“Okay…” She dragged the word out as though waiting on me to give in and tell her exactly what was bothering me. I didn’t. “We’re having dinner tonight next door.”
My stomach rolled. “What, why? It’s not even Sunday, and we’re having dinner with them on Thursday too for Thanksgiving, right?” I asked, remembering Derek’s odd behavior from school.
I didn’t want to go, they had to let me out of this dinner.
“Yes.” She nodded. “Didn’t Derek talk to you at school today?”
Of course not, when did Derek ever talk to me lately? “No, was he supposed to?”
Mom shrugged her shoulder and took another sip of coffee. “I guess it doesn’t matter really, I just figured he’d mention something to you today.”
“Mention something about what?” I scowled.
She inhaled deeply and set her cup on the coffee table. “We’re going to help Darlene and Tim with packing up Kyle’s room.”
Cold hands squeezed my windpipe. How could his parents do that? How could they pack up his things so soon? Weren’t they worried that they would forget him without his things around to remind them? And then it hit me, that was why Derek had been staring at me in the computer lab, and that was why he had been acting so strange. An ache entered my throat as I thought about him and how this must make him feel.
“Why?” I asked, curling my lip, unable to keep the disgust from the situation from entering my tone. “Why do they want to do that?”
Mom reached out and draped an arm over my shoulder, pulling me in closer to her. I could feel tears pooling in my eyes as I rested my head on her chest. “Because they feel like it’s time. Life moves on, Katie, even in times when we don’t want it to the most. With every inhale, we have to exhale, that can apply to life sometimes too, we have to take in just as much as we have to let go.” Her hand brushed against my forearm softly. “I’m sure Kyle would want you there to help support Derek tonight.”
“I don’t know about that,” I muttered, wiping the pooling tears free from my eyes. I doubted Kyle would have wanted me anywhere near Derek, let alone us together in his bedroom.
“Why do you say that? The three of you were all so close; of course he’d want you there for Derek, to help him through this.”
My chest caved in at her words and I closed my eyes and sighed. The desire to open up and tell her about everything—that night, the kiss, how I was the reason why Derek and Kyle had been fighting—pulsated through me. But I couldn’t. I didn’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes when she realized what I had done—how I had come between two brothers and friendships that had lasted since birth.
“Listen, sweetheart, if this is really something you don’t feel comfortable doing that’s fine. You don’t have to. I just figured you might want to be there for Derek this time,” she said in that tone that only a mother knows how to use so well, the one that turns certain words into little daggers of guilt precisely aimed at your heart.
I couldn’t breathe. There was dullness, a heaviness that entered my chest, making it hard for my lungs to fill completely. I hated the fact that I had let my own guilt and fears of disrespecting Kyle stand in the way of being what I was to Derek before any of this had ever occurred—a friend—during a time when he needed me the most. I’d dropped the ball and only thought of myself while I had holed myself up in my bedroom for days at a time, hidden away from the world. I’d wished so many times that I could go back to that moment and be there for him like I should have been, because if I had, then we wouldn’t be the way that we are now—virtually nothing.
The truth of my mother’s words about inhaling, exhaling, and life rained down on me then, and I realized that in life you had to go forward because you couldn’t go back. I needed to do this. I needed to be there for Derek this time.
“I’ll go,” I finally said, deciding I couldn’t let Derek down again. If Kyle was watching over us or listening in, he would just have to understand that.
Mom squeezed me tightly in her a
rms. “I’m glad.”
I returned her hug and then stood, headed to the bathroom for some toilet paper to blow my nose. Tonight was going to be difficult, there was no denying that, but I owed it to Derek’s and my friendship to be there for him. It was the right thing to do.
* * * *
Dinner was uncomfortable. The weight of clearing out Kyle’s bedroom pressed down upon us all in a nearly crippling way. Conversations were short and to the point. No one laughed or even cracked the hint of a smile. The entire mood was ominous, especially during the dinner cleanup, because we all knew what would occur after.
“Well, Darlene and I would like to thank you guys for coming over tonight and helping us with this,” Tim said, snaking his arm around his wife’s waist and drawing her in closer to his side.
I bit my thumbnail and avoided any and all eye contact while my parents said the expected it’s no problem at all, we’re glad to be here bits.
“We’re doing this tonight not because we want to forget Kyle,” Darlene said, her eyes shifting to Derek briefly as she spoke, and I wondered if they already had this conversation earlier. “But because we’ve all accepted the fact that he’s not coming back. Ever.” Her gaze grew unfocused, like she was speaking at the air rather than all of us present. The ache I had felt in my throat earlier swelled. “This will solidify that and allow us a form of closure. Especially me, because I just can’t continue to look at his room like that…it tricks me into thinking that he’s coming back.” Her voice broke and her hand flew to her mouth as though her fingertips alone could keep in all the sobs that wanted to escape.
“Shh,” Tim hushed her as he pulled her into his arms tighter. “It’s okay.” His eyes glistened as he spoke and I had to look away.
“Come on,” my mom said softly as she ushered Derek’s parents down the hallway toward Kyle’s room. “Tell us what you want us to do. How can we help?”
I swallowed hard, hoping to erase the threatening burn of unwanted tears rising up my throat. It didn’t help. My limbs grew heavy as the mood of the room continued to seep into me, darkening my every thought and laboring my breathing. I glanced to Derek, his face seemed paler than usual and his eyes looked hollowed out. Biting the inside of my cheek, I stood and walked to where he sat picking at his cuticles. With my stomach hardening into large knots, I paused in front of him and extended a hand. I had made a promise to myself that I would be there for him this time and I intended to keep it, no matter how hard it was going to be.
Derek lifted his head to look at me. I straightened my back and lifted my chin as I met his gaze dead on, my hand still extended in front of him. As soon as his hand slipped into mine, I exhaled the breath that I had been holding. He pushed himself up from the chair he’d sunk himself deeply into and we turned to follow our parents down the hall, hand in hand.
I had been in Kyle’s room a million times before, but it was different this time. It wasn’t the room that was unfamiliar to me, but the feelings that stirred within my stomach and the musky, sealed-off-for-too-long smell that assaulted my nose. I held tight to Derek’s hand, deciding that if I was to be allowed to feel the comfort that being in his presence inflicted upon me, there could be no better moment than now. My free hand cradled my quivering stomach as I glanced around at the room that seemed so foreign now.
Kyle’s bed was still unmade. The navy blue and white striped sheets crumpled and wrinkled from their last use. The faded, gray plaid comforter still flipped back as though it were waiting for Kyle to slip back beneath at any moment. Dirty socks and mildewed towels littered the floor. Beach babes and metal signs—some stolen and some bought—covered the dark blue walls. A half-eaten can of pizza-flavored Pringles stood beside a black beanbag that had been duct taped too many times to count in the center of the room, Kyle’s PlayStation controller resting on top.
Being surrounded by his things, it was almost too much. I didn’t know how long I stood there, clutching onto Derek’s hand and taking in the occupied room that waited for its tenant to return, but it was long enough for Derek to squeeze my hand in his and ask if I was okay.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” A complete and total lie, but I was supposed to be the one who was here to console him, not the opposite.
I dropped Derek’s hand and flashed him a small smile, before scooping up a cardboard box and heading over toward Kyle’s rickety TV stand in the corner. I sat in front of it and tucked my legs beneath me, but I didn’t reach for anything right away. I couldn’t. This entire concept made me sick to my stomach, even though I knew it was something that had to be done no matter how much time had passed. His things couldn’t stay here forever.
“Katie, if you want any of those games please don’t hesitate or think you have to ask before you take them. Tim and I have already decided the ones that you and Derek don’t want, we’re going to donate,” Darlene said between tiny sniffles. I didn’t understand how she could be so brave and not be crying profusely while boxing up her dead son’s things.
“Thanks,” I said, even though I knew I wouldn’t be taking anything.
“Derek, you should probably go ahead and take the PlayStation to your room,” Tim said as he carefully took down another poster from Kyle’s wall.
Derek didn’t answer his dad, but he was crouched down beside me an instant later, struggling to unhook the cables for it from behind the TV. I shifted out of his way and folded the cables as he unhooked them and draped them across the top of the system. He picked it up and carried it off to his room without a word.
I began stacking games into the cardboard box meticulously, making sure that each spine faced upward so that if Derek decided he wanted to go through them, then the titles were clearly visible. When I lifted up the game case that rested beside the TV—which I assumed was from the last game Kyle played—a black, green, and dark blue braided bracelet caught my eye. I picked it up carefully and draped it across the palm of my hand as I stared at it, remembering exactly when I had given it to Kyle. The day after my tenth birthday. Kyle had bought me a friendship bracelet kit and to thank him, I’d made him one. He’d made such a big fuss saying that he would never wear something so girly. I’d argued that it wasn’t girly; it was made with boy colors. Kyle’s crooked grin from that moment flashed through my mind as the memory played in my head like a movie clip. To know that he’d kept it all these years made me smile. I clasped it on my wrist and took the empty case to Derek’s room to get the game Kyle had been playing last out of the system.
Derek was sitting at the edge of his bed when I entered the room, the PlayStation beside him. His head rested in his hands, but he glanced up the moment I crossed the threshold of his room.
“Sorry, I just thought I’d get the game out and put it in its case,” I said, feeling like I was interrupting him somehow. “I can get it later, though, it’s no big deal.”
“It’s fine.” His hands slipped down the sides of his face, the scratchiness of his stubble the only sound in the room. “Get it.”
I didn’t argue that it could wait. I didn’t hurry from the room like I had wanted to. Instead, I stayed like my heart told me to, because that’s what friends do—they stay by your side when you need them the most.
“Are you okay?” A stupid question considering. Who in their right mind would be okay with packing up a loved one’s possessions after they’d died a tragic death? “Of course you’re not okay. I mean, what are you thinking about?” I asked as I crossed the room and sat down beside him.
He let out a long breath. “Everything.”
“Like?” I prompted, hoping I wasn’t pressing too hard and completely unsure I truly wanted to know.
He looked at me, the green of his eyes growing darker as though controlled by his emotions. “You really want to know?”
“Yeah,” I lied, hoping he couldn’t see through it and praying I could handle whatever it was he was about to say without crying.
“I’m thinking about how I don’t want Kyle’s PlayStat
ion because I know I’ll never play it, but when my parents tell me I should, it seems wrong not to take it. I feel like it’s just another way for them to try and squish who my brother was inside of me, to try to force bits of him in so that I don’t just look like him, I am him. I’m me and him at the same time. And that way he’ll never be completely gone for them.” He sighed heavily, his head falling back to stare at the ceiling. “I’m thinking about how I don’t want to go back into that room because cleaning it out solidifies that Kyle is never coming back, no matter how badly I want him to. I’m scared that his empty bedroom will erase him, that the only time I‘ll remember him is when I look in the mirror.” He sniffled and blew out another puff of air as his hands came up and intertwined within his hair. “I’m thinking about what you’re doing here, why you’re helping, and why you’re listening to me right now?”
“I’m here because I care about you,” I said. “Because we’re friends.”
He scoffed at the word friends as his eyes turned cold. “Friends, yeah. And that’s all you’ll ever let us be, right?”
I bit the inside of my cheek as my fingers traced over the seam of the game case I held. “I don’t know,” I said honestly.
“He would want you to be happy and for me to be happy too, don’t you think?” Derek asked, and I wasn’t sure if it was meant to be a rhetorical question or not, so instead of speaking, I simply nodded my head yes slightly. “And if the two of us together is what makes us happy, then don’t you think he’d be okay with that, especially now?”
My eyes locked on the friendship bracelet I had found in Kyle’s room. I ran a finger along an area where the string had frayed as I contemplated Derek’s words. This was why I had stayed away, because I knew Derek, I knew that he would find a way to twist this situation so that I wouldn’t feel the way that I did. What he had just said made perfect sense, but if I had heard it shortly after Kyle’s death, I knew I wouldn’t have believed it the way that I did now.
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