If Not For You

by Jennifer Rose

  I appreciated his concern, but I didn’t need any more Doctors to tell me what I already knew.

  “I’ll be fine. It was just a headache,” I said, scooting to the beds edge, still feeling the slight effects of the meds. I felt the bed dip behind me and then he was sitting at my side.

  “That wasn’t just a headache. You were out of it. No one suffers like that from a normal headache,” he said, taking my hand in his and caressing my knuckles, I was starting to like this attention, even if it was just pity for the poor sick girl.

  “I get terrible headaches, I take my meds and sleep it off. It’s nothing.” I was trying to be convincing, but by the look on his face he wasn’t swayed at all.

  There was this dubious look on his face. “Headaches, Okaaay…I’m going to go.” He stood and I followed him to the door.

  Taking a pen from his jacket pocket and grabbing my hand, he proceeded to write on my open palm. I took a look at the numbers scrolled on my skin.

  “My cell number, if you need me I’m a call away.”

  Swallowing back the lump in my throat, he took my face in his hands and stared into my eyes. My heart was racing and I braced myself. He leaned forward and swiftly kissed his lips to my forehead and left, closing the door behind him.

  He kissed me on the forehead as if I were his sister. He slept with me all night and all I got was a kiss on the forehead? Okay we were fully dressed, but he was so gentle and kind last night and here I was, a woman in a bed and he didn’t try a thing. He didn’t so much as cop a feel, or grind his morning wood against my thigh, nothing!

  Ah fuck him. He’s probably gay, I concluded. But I keyed his number into my phone anyway.

  After a leisurely shower, I got dressed, called room service and headed to my balcony. It was rather windy today, but the wind was warm and the sun felt great. I sat and drank my coffee and thought about last night. I had never shared my bed with a man before, it was nice to wake up wrapped in a man, being able to feel every crevice and every vein as they rippled across his body leading to the hard erect prize that had pushed into my back. Okay so I shared my bed with a man while I was in a drug induced coma, but it was certainly a first in my book. The girls would shit themselves when I told them.

  I picked my words carefully; secrets and lies were certainly weaving me an intricate web.

  A bigger truth was at no time told: ‘If you never lie, then you never have to remember.’

  Hey! Hey! You’ll be glad to know that I finally slept with a man. Didn’t lose my V and I was sedated at the time, (just headache meds) but I slept with my dining hottie. Won’t go into all the boring details but I had a headache and he stayed with me, nice guy. Love Ya! Tandy.

  WHAT? Girl, are you crazy? That would have been too fast even for me. I know I said you should get laid, but slow down girl, take it easy. And you can’t spring that on me without details! Spill! Tess.

  Relax! I had a headache. He helped me back to my room and stayed with me. Fully dressed. (Sad face) He was really sweet. Gave me his cell number too. I don’t think anything will develop, just a nice guy doing the Good Samaritan thing. Tandy.

  Do you even know this guy’s name? Tess.

  Yes, Gage. Tandy.

  Ok. I’ll back off now. But be careful and if you do get laid, I want every detail that’s what besties do! Lol Tess.

  I’ll share it all just don’t be holding your breath for a sex text anytime soon! Love you bye! Tandy.

  I crawled back to bed; this attack had taken a lot more out of me than I had thought. I closed my eyes in hopes of needed sleep and steamy dreams.

  ***

  Staring at the keys on the laptop unsure what to tell the old man, I was as near to a heart attack as a man my age could get. I hadn’t checked in and there was an angry email to deal with. I could tell him that I lost the signal or experienced a crash he would never know and it would possibly save my ass from a beating. I hated to lie and God knows there were enough lies already.

  Closing my eyes I saw her in my arms, felt her snuggled into me, remembering the sultry curve of her hips and the tantalizing rise and fall of her breasts as she breathed, I could almost smell her perfume and the clean fresh scent of her hair. I was screwed. Hell I could still taste her skin when I licked my lips. I was totally screwed. There was no way I could help but talk to her at dinner, but inviting her to rock climb with me, that was just plain stupid. I was so screwed.

  Spending the night with her, that was suicide. I was a dead man if Mr. M found out. But when I saw her collapse onto the floor, there was nothing to do but rescue her. She was totally helpless and I wasn’t so sure I believed the headache bit, it was a lot of pain to be in.

  Just a headaches my ass

  Should I tell Mr. M? I asked myself. Or was it best to leave the incident out of my email? Leave it out I reckoned, definitely leave it out.

  Sorry sir battery died, won’t happen again. Miss. Manning stayed in her room most of the day, ate in her suite except for dinner in the dining room. Went for a walk then retired to her suite for the night. I haven’t seen her this morning. G.

  Better not happen again! M.

  Mr. M’s words were curt, no questions asked and no answers needed.

  Stripping out of my extremely wrinkled suit and setting it on the chair by the door with a scribbled note for the steward to have it dry cleaned, I peeked out onto Tandy’s balcony finding it deserted. The door was open signaling that she was definitely in.

  Since there was little chance of Tandy going anywhere anytime soon, I spread out over the mattress happy for a bit of much needed sleep. I spent most of the night watching Tandy, once the medication had kicked in and she had fallen into a deep sleep, she barely stirred and I studied her the whole night. Her long lashes lay in her cheeks fluttering only during times of REM sleep and a soft snore escaping between slightly parted lips had me mesmerized. Several times I contemplated leaving, but didn’t want her waking up alone in fear that she would wake ill and require help. Secretly I wanted to be the one to care for her if need be.

  Lying back on the bed, I touched my knuckles against the headboard wall that the suites shared and sighed. She certainly had me fucking things up and risking everything. Instead of making good on my promise to Mr. M, I was letting my dick persuade me otherwise. Letting the thought of being buried between her warm thighs make me act like an idiot. Forcing myself to remember what I was being paid to do, watch her, guard her and keep her safe from predators, not to become the predator.

  “Distance,” I chanted. “I have to keep my distance.”

  Day 51

  I spent the last few days in my room recovering, I was feeling a little house bound, certainly too house bound to spend another day locked away. A big deal Captain’s Tour giving a full day of exploring the ship’s underbelly, the engine rooms and bridge etcetera, was the fun thing offered for today. I had no interest. I was heading to the pool with my book, suntan lotion and i-Pod in hand.

  It was busy. I figured that most people would have gone on the tour, but to my chagrin, I don’t think anyone went. I also came to the conclusion that everyone decided to congregate around the Riviera pool. I spread out my towel on a lounge chair not too far from the pool, I wanted to be close by. The idea of all these eyes watching as I made my way into the water was a wee bit daunting. I finally figured what-the-fuck no one knew me, and besides they could close their eyes if they couldn’t handle looking at a real woman.

  I slipped my denim shorts off and pulled my t-shirt over my head, folded them and set them on my flip flops, tucking them under the lounger. Wearing my plain black one piece, I walked over to the pool sat on the edge and slid into the cool refreshing water. It felt so good. The sky was hazy and the air heavy, but a bright day all the same and a little on the hot side so the pool was the right choice. I swam a few laps and then made my way back to my lounge. Towel drying my hair, I did a little nosing of the herds.

  Well, there certainly was a cornucopia of v
ariety in this group. I could pick out the hoity-toity rich and not so famous, they were the loud need-to-be-heard groups, with large floppy brim sunhats and barely there swimsuits, on excessively surgically-adjusted bodies and far too much makeup practically melting in the heat.

  There were a few male physiques drawing in quite a bit of attention at the bar, yummy to say the least and a few male physiques that should have reconsidered the speedo option all together, yuck! The usual older men covered thick with hair and a huge belly, swaggered past me like Mr. Mc Hot-pants. He checked out every woman that walked by, like the man had half a chance. Not. It just made me smile at the silly bastard.

  An old couple beside me held hands while sun bathing their leathery, already sun baked skin, believe me it wasn’t pretty, but they were cute, still in love after a hundred or so years. A shiver ran up my spine. A less than appropriate thought of their wrinkly old bodies tangled together in the throes of passion totally creeped me out.

  A scream from the pool pulled me out of my horrifying thoughts and back to my observations as I brushed out my hair and tied it in a loose knot on top of my head. That’s when I saw them, my newlywed couple sucking face in the hot tub, just off to the side of the pool. Man they were in love, really going at it and being left very much alone, as people with the idea of jumping in got a load of them and quickly changed their minds.

  Out of all the people gathered in the area there really weren’t that many perfect specimens. A few bikini clad eat-a-burger-bitch goddesses, appeared among the throng of average-sized, average middle aged regular folk. I certainly wasn’t the only chunky monkey in the crowd either. I was probably the youngest chunky monkey, but I fit in pretty well.

  I put in my earphones, turned on my i-Pod and searched through my playlist until I found the new Justin Timberlake album and hit shuffle. Sexy music, sexy book and sunshine, what could make it more perfect? And with that a waiter, a hot waiter I might add, like there were any ugly staff on this ship, took my drink order and soon returned with my banana daiquiri. Now it was perfect.

  After rubbing lotion all over any exposed skin I got comfortable, opened my book took a sip from my drink and started to read while I soaked up the days sun.

  There was that feeling again. The feeling that I was being watched, I looked around but everyone seemed too self-involved to be staring. I was seven chapters into my book and had a few more daiquiris under my belt, but I couldn’t fight that strange feeling.

  A band was playing on the stage above the pool and some people were dancing nearby. It was noisy with music and laughter, it was crowded and as I scanned over the crowd a waiter stepped in and drew away my attention. Then the feeling was gone.

  “Would you care for another daiquiri Miss?” The waiter leaned over to hear me above the music.

  “No thank you.” I shook my head in case he didn’t hear.

  He nodded to my response and went on to the hoity-toity bunch, which in my opinion had consumed far too much alcohol already; there were kids around after all. They were obnoxious and rude, grinding at each other’s rear ends in their own version of dirty dancing. It was kind of disgusting, like walking in on your parents having sex, that kind of disgusting.

  I sat sideways on the lounge and pulled on my t-shirt, took the knot out of my hair and brushed it out. I looked behind me as I loaded everything into my Dakine bag and there he was, Gage. He was dressed in wild patterned neon multi-colored boarding shorts and shirtless. His t-shirt was tucked at the back of his head like a pillow, his one hand holding the back of the lounge above his head, the other lay across his stomach. His legs straddled the lounge, his feet planted firmly on the ground. His hair hung loose tucked behind his ears. The light of day or maybe it was the surrounding ocean, made his blue eyes sunnier and I met his stare.

  I slipped into my shorts and gathered up my bag as he shamelessly examined me. I walked over and plopped on the lounge sideways between his legs. Gage jumped to a sitting position, obviously in fear of my ass making contact with his tender parts and I laughed.

  “Did your mother never teach you, it’s impolite to stare?” I said.

  “Was I staring?” he said with a playful look, biting his lower lip.

  “You seem to be enjoying yourself or at least the view.”

  “The view is magnificent actually. I was enjoying it very much thanks,” he said in his usual bad ass sensual tone, and I was forced to look over my shoulder to see who he was enjoying so much.

  “I meant you,” he said, furrowing his brow and running his finger down my arm.

  I’ll admit it. At that moment I was taken aback, thrown for a loop. I didn’t expect him to say that, I didn’t expect this beautiful man to refer to me as ‘magnificent.’ No sir, not in a million years.

  “Oh please. Be serious,” I joked, slapping his thigh with a snort. “It was the cute little blonde in the red bikini, right?”

  “No. You,” he said seriously. “I was watching you.”

  “Are you sick? Is this one of those hidden camera things?” I looked around.

  Gage’s face became stern, his eyes narrowed and he took me by the chin and turned me to look at him. “You don’t see what I see, Tandy. I see a beautiful woman sitting in front of me, a beautiful woman.”

  His lips closed over mine, smoldered there for several long moments before he broke away, leaving me breathless as well as a little worked up. He had the softest lips, warm and moist and if that kiss were a preview of more to come, then bring it on!

  “I shouldn’t have done that, I apologize.” he said looking away reaching for his shirt, which had fallen behind him when he had sat up.

  I touched my fingertips to my lips still feeling the scalding sensation, wishing his lips were still there, wanting them to return when he stood and pulled me to my feet.

  “Forget I did that, okay?” he pressed, pulling his t-shirt over his head and bending to pick up my bag that had fallen to the ground.

  What did he say? Forget about it? Brush it off? Sweep it under the rug? Was he nuts? He had nerve. I think I felt offended to say the least. A hollow sick feeling rioted up in my belly. That empty pang of dismissal that rages to the surface and screams rejection. Rejection was such a bitter pill to swallow.

  “Sure, no problem,” I bit out coldly.

  There had been a definite stirring down below, a waking heat. I wasn’t sure how to handle myself. Taking my hand he forced me to walk with him, which wasn’t making it any easier. I was horny, confused and pissed as hell, what a lethal combination!

  We stepped into the elevator together, I looked straight ahead, not too sure what was going on. The silence weighed heavy and I was about to burst when the doors opened and we stepped out into the light of the Lido deck.

  “What are we doing here?” I demanded. The man had just kissed me, then told me he shouldn’t have then dragged me away to the Lido deck.

  “We’re going to play golf, mini golf,” he said like nothing had happened, like he hadn’t nearly set me a blaze, like there wasn’t a puddle formed in my panties. It had to be a male thing. He was crazy.

  “Okay.”

  This guy was so trying to cover up what had happened, I guessed it would be my job not to let him.

  We were handed golf clubs and balls and given a brief outline of the mini course. A flip of a coin gave Gage the first putt, I watched as he hit his ball and it disappeared into the hole, now it was my turn.

  “Are you going to tell me why you kissed me?” I asked, as I leisurely lined up my shot.

  “I thought we were going to forget that happened,” he said as I tapped my ball into the hole and we moved on to the next.

  “Can’t do that, I’m like an elephant I never forget. You may want me to, but I won’t,” I said, just as he tapped his ball and it bounced off in the wrong direction, to my delight he seemed to be somewhat distracted.

  “Did you want to try that again, Gage? I think I may have thrown you off,” I said a little on the sarca
stic side. I was angry, stupid angry, like women tended to get. I wanted him to kiss me again and again until he couldn’t get enough of me.

  “No, it’s your shot,” he said, dismissing me yet again. I lined up my shot and my ball rolled over the tiny incline and into the hole. He stepped in front of me as I was about to move along.

  “Tandy, I shouldn’t have kissed you, it was wrong just leave it at that.” He looked at me and I could see torment tearing at him. I almost felt sorry for him, almost.

  “Well it sure as hell didn’t feel wrong to me,” I blurted out.

  He tugged at the neck of his t-shirt as if it were too tight. “Look it’s been a really long time…I can’t let it happen, that’s not why I’m here… I mean…you just looked so fucking good…it can’t happen again, it won’t happen again.” He stumbled over his words but never took his eyes off mine, he was intent on making me comprehend what he was saying.

  I looked good to him? I looked good to him. That was a nice thought but I understood what he was saying, that there just wasn’t going to be anything between us. He got carried away in the moment, perhaps it was heat stroke or something. Sure I was disappointed, but disappointment was a part of me, I could deal. I had in the past and I would again in the future.

  “Friends?” I put my hand out to him like some kind of contract negotiation and he smiled taking my hand in his and shook.

  “Friends.”

  “Well friend, I don’t know about you but I could use a drink…come on I’ll let you buy me one,” I said, trying my best to pull off that not-a-big-deal façade.

  “What about the game?” he asked, as I walked away, abandoning my club and ball at the third hole and he did the same looking at the attendant with a shrug and smile.

  “Oh, honey, you know as well as I do, that I was going to kick your ass anyway. Why prolong the inevitable?” I teased, peering over my shoulder at Gage, with a pitiful look on my face and he laughed.