If Not For You

by Jennifer Rose

  Tess slept against my chest, my arm wrapped around her with my chin resting on of her head. We were a much needed comfort for one another. We had talked and gotten to know each other until sleep took her over. I was happy to have a connection to my Tandy, missing her touch and smile was miserable.

  Studying the others in various states of sleep, I couldn’t help but scowl at the bastard standing by the window. Sure it was good of Mr. Manning to fly everyone over on his private jet, got them here in record time, but I worried that Tandy would be angry when she found out he was there. The man was pure evil, he had charged in and strived to take over to no avail. Thankfully the sweet little Scottish sister, obviously taken with me, vowed only to talk with me. She’d pull me from the room each time she came with progress reports.

  “I could cause a real stink, but I won’t for now. For Tandy.” Mr. Manning had given his word.

  John lay across Philippe’s lap sound asleep. Philippe’s head tipped back awkwardly on the back of the sofa. He’d be in pain when he woke. Poor Henry was wearing a path in the floor. He had a ratty old pink bunny with ragged floppy ears, tucked under his arm. At any other time but this, it would have made me laugh. At this moment though, it was just plain heartbreaking.

  “Gage.” The sister called me out to the hall. I was so far in thought I hadn’t heard the door slide open. I stirred from Tess and stood.

  “Tandy’s doing well, she’s in recovery. She still hasn’t gained consciousness but that’s not unusual. It’s her body’s way of healing. The doctor will talk to you soon and then you can see her.”

  I hugged her and she blushed before continuing, “I must warn you though, there are wires and tubes, she’s hooked up to noisy machines. Her heads bandaged and there’s swelling. She won’t look like herself. This is all normal.”

  “I don’t care what she looks like. I just need to be near her.”

  It was close to three hours before the doctor talked to me and the others and another half hour before the sister took me to the ICU unit to see her. She looked so small and fragile laying in the hospital bed situated in the center of the room. The lights had been dimmed and the nurses performed their duties silently.

  An older nurse stepped to my side placing a kind hand on my forearm. “A wee tad intimidating isn’t it?” she spoke softly.

  “A wee bit,” I agreed. “In fact it’s downright nerve-wracking.”

  “Don’t be frightened to touch her.” She shifted me closer with her hand on my back. “Talk to her…what’s your name?”

  “Gage.”

  “Talk to her Gage, let her hear your voice.” She pulled over a chair and directed me to sit. “If you need me, I’ll be at that station.” My eyes followed her hand looking at the nurses’ station just outside the door and nodded.

  I took Tandy’s hand in mine and kissed her knuckles. Her skin was surprisingly warm. I don’t know what I expected. I always liked the way Tandy reacted to me doing that, there was no reaction this time though. Her skin was warm but her familiar scent had been replaced by a medicinal, all too clean smell. I would have given my own life just to see her sit up and giggle the way she did when I’d pull her to the beds edge to taste her. I kicked myself for having such a self-regarding thought.

  “I’m here, sweetheart.” I felt silly talking at first, but I had so much to say, so much she needed to hear.

  “Open your eyes, baby. I want to see those gorgeous eyes of yours. It’s been too many hours since I saw them last. I love you.” I knew there wouldn’t be a response.

  “Henry and Tess are here, John and Phil too. We’re all waiting for you to wake up.” It was no mistake that I bypassed her father; I couldn’t bring myself to upset her.

  “Baby, come back to me. I need you. I know that sounds selfish under the circumstances, but I can’t go on without you. You have to get better.” I smiled for the first time in nearly twenty four hours. “Remember the day we met? The first time we kissed? The first time we touched? The first time we made love? Well I need you to wake up and get better so we can do it all over again.”

  Carefully I slid my chair closer and laid my head gently onto her lap. Tucking her hand under my chin I whispered, “I’ll be here when you wake, I’m not leaving.”

  Day 9

  The many tubes and wires had been removed, the beeping had ceased and all that remained was a cannula supplying oxygen under her nose. The bandages had also been removed and her hair had been pinned on top of her head. Since the surgery had taken place at the back of her head Tandy just looked like she was tired and needed a really good sleep.

  Tandy glanced at the entourage standing at the end of her bed and smiled. “Henry, Tess.” She put her arms up and the pair swooped in for a careful hug.

  I stepped forward from the other side of the bed and smiled, she looked at me confused, scanned the other faces in the room and then focused on me again.

  “Who are you?”

  George Manning took the opportunity to veer in and shove me to the side as he crooned, “kitten.”

  A hand clamped onto my elbow pulling me into the corridor. John and Philippe looked as shocked as I did.

  “Say something, Gage,” John said, worried.

  “What do you want me to say, she doesn’t fucking remember me,” I said furiously, and proceeded to punch a hole in the wall.

  The one thing I feared the most was her forgetting and low and behold she had. Doctor Travis tried to assure me that given time, she’d remember, that the condition was temporary. Doctor Loren on the other hand felt that she may have suffered some damage during the vessel repair and her short term memory had been affected, it would never return.

  What they both agreed on was that she needed time.

  Day 8

  When the sister brought me back to my room after an intense bout of physical lets-try-and-bend-her-into-a-pretzel therapy, he was waiting in my room. The beautiful blonde stranger with the sweet smile and to die for dimples. He had appeared and disappeared just as fast from my sight yesterday. The sister called him Gage. He apparently brought me to the hospital and had kept vigil for the last four days and nights. The connection she wouldn’t disclose, she told me I needed to talk to him and here he was.

  “Hi.”

  “Hello, sweetheart.”

  He called me sweetheart, he knew me well enough to bestow a term of endearment upon me. I meant more to him than I had imagined. He wasn’t a stranger after all? So why did I not recognize him?

  “Going to take your coat off and stay awhile?” I asked and watched as he stood and shrugged off his coat laying it across the chair beside him.

  His t-shirt fit snug across his chest and I couldn’t help but notice the guns on the man, he was built and built nicely. The insignia on the t-shirt was one I knew, but in my mind I was wearing it.

  My brows knit together. “Dakine.” I said.

  “It’s your favorite t-shirt.”

  “It is?” I asked. “Gage, it is Gage, right?”

  I could see the disappointment in his eyes, he wanted me to suddenly burst out that I remembered him, I couldn’t give him that. There was something about him though, something that drew me to him. His hair was familiar, as crazy as that sounded, I pictured it wet and wild. His smile and those dimples, I felt like I knew intimately. But it was his eyes, the windows to his soul that told me he held something special in my heart. There was a place that only he belonged and it missed him, needed him and was begging me to remember him.

  Or was it just all in my mind? Was I delusional? Was this gorgeous stranger sitting here staring at me, just a dream I had conjured up? Was he the reason I felt so lonely and empty, was he the one to fill the void deep in my heart, which appeared from nowhere?

  “Yes, Gage,” he answered, with a half-smile.

  Tears filled my eyes, Gage jumped from his seat and handed me a tissue. “Tandy baby, please don’t cry.”

  “Who are you? I feel a connection to you, it’s like you belon
g,” I tried to explain. “I must sound crazy, but I need answers and I’m afraid you’re the only one that can give them to me.”

  “Where do you want me to start?” he asked. “There’s so much to tell.”

  “Then tell me, I need to know everything. But first help me into bed so I can get comfortable and start at the beginning, the very beginning.”

  “Deal,” Gage said, swiftly lifting me into his arms and onto the bed. He hesitated for a moment as I sniffed in the scent of him.

  “Coconut,” My heart thumped. I put my hand to my throbbing head and drew in the smell of him again. There was something all too memorable in that scent. “Talk to me, Gage, and don’t leave out anything.”

  Every word he spoke was filled with devout emotion; all the details he shared were magical. And not a facet did he miss. At times my face heated and my heart sank when he described intimate moments, hearing them from his point of view was hot. When he told me of the night he took my virginity, I nearly burst into flames as he described our night of lust, my body aching to feel his touch. Embarrassed as hell at first, but then wishing I could remember just a smidge of what he was telling me. That would have been better than listening like he was telling me a tale. Gage made us sound so real, so special.

  I raised the sheet on the bed and lifted my gown to view the tattoo he described, it was beautiful. I turned to Gage questioningly and he stood, unzipped his jeans and lowered them enough until I viewed the mirrored image and he smiled.

  “It’s our always secret memory,” he said, I smiled and looked away, sad I couldn’t remember something that meant so much to both of us.

  He described me to a tee. The crazy way I always took flight when a situation got too real or I couldn’t deal, was just who I was, and apparently it drove him nuts, that and my eye rolling. Gage knew all about me, my relationship with my father, my likes and dislikes, he even knew about peanut butter chocolate chunk ice cream and my Henry. It was as if he were reading my biography, turning each page to reveal who I really was. For a man that had met me just over a month ago, he knew me so well.

  Gage reached out and took my hand resting it to his cheek. “I love you, and even if you never remember, I always will.”

  As hard as I tried, there was no holding back my tears after hearing his vow. How I ached to remember, even just a portion of our memories, if not for myself, at least for him.

  I asked him to stay until I fell asleep; there was something comforting about having him near. He didn’t seem to mind, he was content to sit with me. He seemed obsessed with holding my hand and as I lay with my eyes closed, he would play with my hair. It tugged at my heart strings the way he had this need to take care of me, doting over me. Fussing with the sheets and making sure I was comfortable. I felt guilty for not remembering, he needed me to and I so terribly wanted to.

  I woke during the night when the nurse came to give me sleeping pills, which baffled me. The idea of being woke from a deep sleep to take, of all things, a sleeping pill. Crazy fucked up thinking.

  Reaching out for the glass of water, a metallic clinking caught my attention. I turned the overhead light on and discovered a charm bracelet around my wrist. Gage had mentioned charms and must have put it on me while I slept. He was sound asleep, his head on the mattress beside my hip. I wanted to touch his hair but feared I’d wake him.

  I surveyed each charm, recalling his stories of the places we’d been and the things we’d done. Each charm commemorated a special time, place or event in the short stretch we had been together. There was a V and an O, I laughed. A tiny jade Buddha, an Eiffel Tower, a ship, something that looked like a fish and lion combined. There was also a skate, the Empire State Building, a castle, a tiny little book, a letter T and a G and a coil of rope.

  “A coil of rope?” I whispered, in the silent room. My brow knit together as I thought, I’d have to ask the significance of that one little silver mystery.

  Brushing back the hair from his face I watched while he slept. Who was this man, this hotter than fuck blonde Adonis? This wonderful caring man, who needed nothing more than for me to remember?

  “Dear god, help me remember?”

  Day 7

  A specifically designed-to-drive-you-mad beeping off in the distance woke me. My eyes refused to open, it was far too early and my head hurt. I rolled onto my side and pulled the covers under my chin.

  “Gage, make that fucking beeping stop,” I growled out.

  Gage sat up and rubbed his eyes. “It’s coming from down the hall, sweetheart, you’ll have to live with it, sorry.”

  “You don’t do sorry.” I said.

  The sheets tore from around me. Gage swept my hair back and leaned in inches from my face. His eyes searched mine desperately.

  “Who am I?” He demanded in a rush.

  “What?”

  “Who am I?” Gage repeated, as tears glazed over his sparkling blue eyes.

  “Gage don’t be crazy, it’s too early for games.”

  “You remember me?”

  Reality took hold, giving me a swift kick, causing my heart to race and swell beyond the cavity it was contained in. My eyes widened and a huge smile spread across my face as I took hold of Gage’s face and pulled him closer.

  I whispered against his lips, “I remember, Gage, I remember!”

  ***

  Deciding that indeed ‘To forgive is divine’ I had a long dragged out conversation with my father. I told him I would forgive his being an asshole, but under no circumstances would I forget. Making sure that he knew I was aware of his interfering in my life, I made it very clear that he never would again. My father tried but failed several times to use threats to get his way, his failure was my triumph.

  Staring death in the face had been a life altering experience, one I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. My happiness, no, our happiness had leapt to the forefront. No longer was I willing to sit back and cave as my father systematically disassembled my life.

  I convinced him to release Gage from his conservatorship and put his trust in the hands of a lawyer instead, to guard his best interests. He agreed, even shook Gage’s hand and told him his father would be proud. Gage sat shocked, he had figured he’d be swimming with the fishes by now, especially after what he did to his daughter. There would be no more ties to bind him to the old man.

  Restraining himself, my father sat and listened as I told him of our plans. Gage and I were most definitely moving into the condo and if he chose to interfere, we’d simply leave New York and move somewhere he would never find us. He caved. But not before he informed me that he had purchased one of the condo units on our floor for Henry, he agreed to back off only if Henry was at least a fixture in my life.

  What do you think I said?

  Henry embraced both of us for the umpteenth time before leaving the hospital and returning to the States. Once I had told him we were going to be neighbors, he seemed to feel better about leaving me. I’d be home in a week, when the doctors felt it was safe for me to fly. Henry would fetch our belongings from the ship and make sure the condo was ready for our homecoming.

  It was kind of surreal when I checked the date on the discharge papers that verified when I would arrive home. It was the exact day I was scheduled for my original surgery. I tittered to myself and took a deep breath.

  Fuck it was good to be alive!

  John and Philippe announced they were moving into Philippe’s loft, John would not be returning to the States. They were planning a spring wedding in Canada and the invite would be in the mail. And to top it all off, Lilly the sweet little Scottish nurse that had been so taken with Gage, was dating the pair. Going to join them for a two week vacation and see what developed. I could see a book in John’s future.

  Tess was returning home with my father this afternoon, work and commitments came first. Her and Gage had become close during my time in hospital, this made me happy. Both a big part of my future, we were going to be the perfect dysfunctional family, me, Gage,
Henry and Tess.

  After everyone left and I had been cheerfully thrashed about by the physical therapist, I snuggled against Gage’s chest and welcomed some alone time. With only a manageable amount of pain, no more bouts of nausea or dizziness, I was feeling renewed. Tired but renewed.

  “Alone at last,” Gage announced.

  “I’ve missed you.”

  “Never left baby,”

  “No. I mean, you and me, this,” I waved a hand between us. “Holding each other, this is what I’ve missed.”

  “Me too.” He squeezed just a bit tighter but still holding back for fear of hurting me.

  “And this.” I slid my hand down his chest, naughty thoughts running through my mind.

  “Don’t be doing that now,” Gage scolded.

  “Doing what?” I faked pulling up the blankets to brush over his zipper.

  Gage sucked in a harsh breath and clamped onto my hand. “You know very well what.”

  Pulling the all innocent face I giggled. Gage’s eyes narrowed and while lifting my gaze to meet his he warned, “Not gonna happen, baby! Six weeks, Doctor said six weeks.”

  “He said nothing too strenuous, we could,”

  “Six weeks. End of.” he sighed. “My balls may turn blue and fall off by then, but it’s going to be six weeks.”

  Change of subject, he had suffered enough and the countdown was on. I’d be Xing off each day on my fantasy calendar. And I do mean fantasy, because I had some that would need to be fulfilled by the end of six long weeks.

  “Did I show you the pictures of the condo Henry sent?” I asked eagerly.

  “Yeah, but show me again.”

  It was fun planning out each room, neither of us owned much, so it was going to be easy to furnish together. We both liked contemporary style and neutral colors. Henry had made sure we had the basics to start. He stocked the kitchen completely with all the small appliances imaginable, even though I couldn’t cook. Purchasing dishes, pots, pans, and sent photos for approval. We were happy with our home.