“What’s up with you today?” The concerned voice shook me from my faraway thoughts, and I looked over at Stewart, who was watching me with too-keen eyes. That was the problem when you were this close with someone. It was really hard keeping secrets from them.
“Have my Nerd Lair powers taken you hostage and that too-smart brain of yours is being held captive in another realm? Because you definitely aren’t acting like yourself.”
I coughed over the abrupt laugh that found its way out, because only Stewart would name his room after one of his favorite games. Apparently I had been sucked away to another realm. A realm that had always been a fantasy, impossible, wrong, because Christopher had always been wrong for me.
Bad for me, really.
That knowledge didn’t really matter, though, did it?
I’d already known the end result of hanging out with Aly. Had wanted it even, somehow thinking that seeing Christopher again would shut that chapter in my life that had never seemed to close.
He’d left something gaping inside of me, and stupidly I thought seeing him would close it.
I should have known it would only rip it open a little wider and pour on a fresh layer of pain, one that was blended with a whole ton of confusion and mixed with zero clarity. His words had been a harsh contradiction to the temptation of his touch, and every single thing about the encounter had left my head spinning and my heart hurting.
Oh, and my body burning.
Uncontrolled redness flared to my cheeks.
So intense I could feel it heating up my insides.
That was the reaction I’d hated most, that Christopher could control me with just a brush of his hand. Never again would I allow him that, the power to sway me physically.
I knew better than that.
I was better than that.
Ben’s face flashed like an errant bolt of lightning in my mind, striking me in the most loyal place in my conscience. Lying next to him last night had seemed unbearable, because it was the last place I’d wanted to be. When he came stumbling into our room after two this morning, he’d rained a trio of sloppy, drunken kisses to my cheek, my jaw, and then my mouth.
Guilt had almost cut me in two, and I hadn’t even done anything wrong.
I bit back a bitter laugh. I could just keep telling myself that and continue pretending it wasn’t a lie. Because Ben still had no clue where I’d been or what I’d been up to, had no idea that another man had again broken my heart when he should have had no dominance over me to do it. He had no idea that I’d muffled my cries in my pillow as I mourned someone there was no question I wanted, one who with the slightest touch had left me bound by unseen chains, burning from the inside out, wishing for his touch even when I knew that touch would ruin me.
Blatant worry screwed Stewart’s face up in concern. “Seriously… what’s up, Samantha? You’re acting weird.”
I lifted both shoulders to my ears, held them for too long before I dropped them helplessly. “Just tired and trying to get settled into a new routine with work.”
“I thought you loved your job.”
“I do.”
“And you look like you have enough energy that you could run a marathon.”
I huffed in frustration. He was too perceptive for his own good. Or maybe for my own good.
“It’s nothing. I’m fine.”
His smile was smug. “You’re about the worst liar I’ve ever met.” He leaned back against his headboard. “But if you don’t want to tell me what’s bothering you, that’s fine. I’m here for you whenever you do, though. I mean, if you can take all my awesomeness and profound advice.”
I grabbed a pillow and chucked it at him. His boisterous laughter was unrestrained, and he deflected my attack by lifting his arm up to protect his face. Cautiously, he let his arm drop. He grinned victoriously at me when he found me unarmed, again radiating all that beauty and positivity, a lightness that shouldn’t be there after everything he’d been through.
There were few things that made me as happy as seeing him that way.
My movements were slow as I went to him, lay down at his side, and curled up next to him. I rested my head on his shoulder. “I know you’re always here for me, Stewart. You’re the best. You know that, don’t you?”
He squeezed me around the shoulders, and there was no mistaking the hoarseness that came with his tease. “Of course I know I’m the best. You really are lucky to have such a great brother.”
It was funny, because you’d think my standing Sunday dates with Stewart were meant for him, that I was sacrificing my day off to spend time with him, to keep him company and to keep his spirits up. But right then, closed in the quiet of his tiny room, surrounded by collector toys, game consoles, the walls smeared in childish posters, I was pretty sure it was him who was comforting me.
I pulled into the driveway, parking my blue Escape next to Ben’s large SUV. I situated the sunshade against the windshield, giving myself a little pep talk before I went back inside.
Yeah, last night had been a mistake, but maybe it was one that had to be made, a lesson that needed to be learned as an adult and not through the eyes of a sixteen-year-old girl. I’d told myself before I went that I just needed to know.
Now I did.
Christopher was still an asshole, mean right down to his very core, all too happy to play with me until he squeezed the life right out of me. I hadn’t misunderstood. He was just as vicious now as he had been the night he’d completely ripped me apart.
Images slammed me in quick succession – his face, his hands, that body. Brighter than all of them were his eyes. He was devastating, so beautiful it hurt to look at him. That hadn’t changed, either. The years had only made it worse.
But all of that would have to be ignored if I was to focus on the moral of the story.
And that was that I had to stay away from Christopher.
I shook my head through my pathetic laughter as I got out of the car and headed for the front door. Right. He’d made it clear enough he didn’t want anything to do with me, anyway.
How absurd was it that his words had stung worse than him flaunting himself with that slutty girl?
Ludicrous. Ridiculous.
Downright dangerous.
I fisted my hands and marched right through my unlocked front door. It was quiet inside, the shimmery drapes pulled wide, allowing the early afternoon sun to slant through the large window, pouring natural light and warmth into the open family room.
“Ben?” I called. Metal clattered against wood when I dropped my keys onto the small table under the window, and I slipped my flip-flops from my feet.
“In the office,” he hollered back from down the hall. In reality the office was a glorified man cave, replete with blackout curtains on the windows and a leather couch that cost five times my monthly salary.
In the office meant he was busy, scouring the Internet, stalking Facebook, or playing a game, all of which took up a huge chunk of his day.
Good.
That meant I had some time to clear my head and put myself back together.
Before I had even crossed the room, the doorbell rang. I froze. I stood there, considering not answering it, because somehow I already knew who it would be.
The ring was followed by a soft knock, like the person standing on the other side of my door was asking for entrance with a genuine please.
A sound of resignation left me, and I turned back to the door, guarded as I drew it open. Aly stood there with her fist halfway to the door, and it was pretty clear her next knock was going to come with much more force than the last. Beside her on the stoop, Ella was all tucked and protected from the sun in the comfortable shade of her fancy stroller, lost in the sweet abyss of sleep.
“Samantha,” Aly whispered on a sigh. It was pure relief all bundled up with a silent apology.
“Hey,” I said, chewing at my lip, not knowing exactly what to say or do. The sane part of me told me to tell her to go away, to just le
ave me alone and let bygones be bygones instead of dredging up the past, because I didn’t think I could handle feeling this way much longer. From the moment I spotted Aly in that store little more than a week ago, a disturbance had settled over my life, my axis shifted and my foundation rocked.
I needed to get back on solid ground.
The insane part of me widened the door.
She fidgeted, dipping her chin as she inclined her head. Those same deep emerald eyes – eyes just like his – that had hounded me in my thoughts and chased me in my dreams since I’d run from her house the night before were doing their best to get a read on me. “I was just in the neighborhood,” she finally said, her voice cracking as she went for a joke, and Aly split a pleading, hopeful smile.
And there was nothing I could do. Soft, affectionate laughter trickled up and out.
“You were, huh?”
She swayed innocently, widening unassuming eyes as she went for it. “Figured since I was already nearby and I just happened to notice your car in the driveway, not that I was keeping tabs or anything, I should stop in and say hi since I wasn’t sure when I’d be in the area again.”
My heart did that erratic thing, that quivering tremor that stoked the anticipation of impending change, a feeling that rang as a promised warning that I knew clearly I should heed.
I knew I should.
Instead I stepped out into the heat and pulled the door shut behind me, all the while berating myself for once again being drawn to Christopher’s sister. I couldn’t help it. There was something good and whole about her, something lacking in all my other acquaintances, something that made me sure she really cared.
Somehow, even under all these nasty circumstances, I knew she was truly my friend.
Sunshine poured down from overhead, and Aly lifted her face toward it, drawing in a deep breath of air, before she leveled the most earnest expression on me. “I am so sorry, Samantha.”
Her apology made all the chaos inside me rise to the top. Moisture grew in my eyes, and I did my best to blink it back, but it was no use. I found myself swatting away the tears that slipped down my cheeks.
“You don’t have to apologize, Aly. I knew what I was getting myself into, going over to your house.” I glanced behind me at the latched door, dropping my confession to a whisper. “Part of me wanted to see him again. I just didn’t know it was going to hurt so badly. It was a mistake. One I’m willing to take responsibility for.”
One I wouldn’t repeat.
She flinched. “Don’t say that.”
“How could it be anything else?”
But I guessed Aly couldn’t have known the way things transpired, the cruelness Christopher seemed to get off on, his words meant to bite and sting.
The guy was a straight-up pig. A deviant asshole.
“Everyone there last night loved you, Samantha.”
A mean streak of pettiness pounded through my veins, and I crossed my arms over my chest. “Everyone except for your brother and his girlfriend.”
The second I spouted it, I felt bad, because that wasn’t me. That was part of the problem. Christopher fueled unnatural things in me, a passion that was too strong. So strong it made me bitter and weak.
I hated him for it.
“Maybe,” she admitted with an unsure lift of her shoulders. “I honestly have no clue what was going through my brother’s head last night except for the fact that he was just as upset as you were.”
Flustered air shot from my nose. “I seriously doubt that. Your brother doesn’t care anything about me.”
Aly scoffed. “I know Christopher very well, and I can most definitely assure you that he cares.”
A dispute was on the tip of my tongue, where I let it die, because there was no sense in arguing what I already knew to be the truth. My voice softened. “None of it matters, Aly. Like I told you before, what’s done is done. I never should have gone to your house. Your brother broke my heart.” I fisted my hand at my chest, allowing myself to be the most honest I’d been in a long time. “He broke me. I never should have acted like it was okay to set foot back into his world.”
“But what if I want you in my world?”
“Last night Christopher made it perfectly clear he doesn’t want me anywhere near you.”
And for my own health, I knew I shouldn’t be anywhere near him.
It seemed to be anger that pursed Aly’s lips. She shifted her feet, her words hard and pleading. “That’s not Christopher’s decision to make, Samantha. I like you. My entire family likes you, and so do my friends.” I went to protest, and she cut me off. “And don’t say Christopher doesn’t. You know I’m not talking about him.” She shrugged as if the rest of the circumstances didn’t matter. “I want us to be friends…” Her tone tightened with strain. “It feels like we need to be.” Sadly she shook her head. “And honestly I don’t know how to make that work if Christopher’s not a part of that equation, too.”
I blinked through my confusion. This time it was my turn to try to get a read on her. “Let me get this straight. You’re asking me into your life, knowing by doing so I’m making the conscious decision to get in your brother’s line of fire?”
“You have a boyfriend, Samantha… who you’re living with. Obviously you’ve moved on. But it’s also obvious both you and Christopher are harboring a ton of resentment toward each other. I’m asking you to make an effort to let that bad blood go so both of you can truly move on.”
I choked over bitter laughter. “Let it go?”
That was impossible.
Glancing to her feet, she seemed to contemplate what to say, then lifted her sincere gaze back to me. “I’m not asking you to hang out with him. But I am asking for you to hang out with me and be okay if that sometimes means he might be there.”
This was crazy.
“I don’t understand why you care so much, Aly.” There was no outrage in the question. I just needed a straight answer.
“There’s just something nagging at me not to let this go. Last night, I couldn’t sleep, worrying about you and how to handle this, because I felt like I lied to you after I invited you over and promised Christopher wouldn’t be there. I felt your good-bye last night, and I know you meant it to be permanent.”
Intently she stared at me, as if she was trying to get me to see something that was so clear to her. “I have to believe there’s a reason for all of this… you living less than a minute away from me. Don’t you?”
“Maybe it’s a coincidence.” A terrible, brutal, breathtaking coincidence.
An ironic smile spread over her too-pretty face. “No. I don’t believe in those.”
Neither did I. But that didn’t mean fate was always on my side.
“This morning Jared and I had a long talk about this.” She paused before she drew in a deep breath and continued. “I’m inviting you to come back to my house next weekend.”
That dreaded anticipation balled up in my chest, making it difficult to breathe.
“Jared’s little sister, Courtney, is coming to spend the week with us to celebrate her sixteenth birthday. And before you ask, yes, Christopher will probably be there. But so will the rest of our friends and family, and we want to make this the best birthday Courtney has ever had. We’d love for you to be a part of it. It would mean a lot to me if you were there.”
God, for a second I was wondering if Aly might be just as manipulative as her brother, luring me in with kind words formulated to sway my trusting heart.
I felt guilty just for thinking it. Aly was sincere, even if she might be blind, too good to see the bad in her brother. She struck me as the type who refused to see the negative, believing instead that there had to be some sort of positive in every person, in every situation, even when it was so objectively obvious there was nothing there worth redeeming.
I used to see things the same way.
Until her brother crushed all my belief.
“Please, Samantha… just give it a chance. If it t
urns out you and Christopher can’t stand being in the same room together, then we’ll keep our visits to coffee and, if you’ll have me, here at your house.”
I chewed at the inside of my lower lip, willing myself to form the correct response.
No.
Instead I said, “I can’t handle your brother treating me the way he did last night. It was horrible, Aly.”
“I’ll talk to him. I promise I won’t let that happen again.”
And I found myself uttering that fateful word again. “Fine.” And again, I wanted to run, to escape inside and never have opened the door.
But what I wanted most was the chance for a redo. To get that answer I’d wanted, because the only thing last night’s encounter had done was left me confused.
God, I had to be completely out of my mind.
She threw her arms around me and hugged me. She rocked us as if she couldn’t get me close enough. “I always liked you.” Her statement was almost urgent.
“I always liked you, too,” I whispered hoarsely.
A gust of disquiet whipped straight through me. This time I didn’t feel just unbalanced and lost. I felt as if I’d been pushed over the ledge and was in a free fall.
Aly pulled back, all traces of heaviness erased, and she squeezed my upper arms in her hands. “See… we were supposed to meet. Target has everything… lost friends included.”
I giggled in spite of myself, wiped away some of the residual tears I could feel drying on my face with the back of my hand. “You’re ridiculous. You know that?”
Deep laughter rolled in her chest. “You have no idea.”
Then she took a step back, her brow lifting in question as she released the brake on the stroller. “Saturday?”
It wasn’t so much a question as she was looking for confirmation.
“Saturday.”
She swiveled the stroller, ambling casually down the sidewalk.
I watched them until they disappeared, listening to the soft incantation of Aly’s voice as she quietly sang to her daughter.
On a weighted exhale, I opened the door and stepped back inside.
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