“Sam… you’re moving,” he said delicately, as if he were trying to infuse the idea into my mind. Like I hadn’t spent the last four months agonizing over it. “Why don’t you give this up? He’s only going to hurt you, and I can’t stand to see that happen. This is your chance to get over him.”
But Ben was wrong. Somehow I knew I was the one who’d hurt Christopher. I should have recognized it, the sorrow in his eyes and the grief in his touch.
“Please.”
There was a long pause, an even longer sigh, and I could almost see him rubbing his temples in frustration. “Even if I wanted to, I can’t help you, Samantha. I haven’t seen him tonight. I’m sorry.”
My own frustration knotted somewhere in my chest. I sucked it down and forced out a polite response. “’Kay. Thanks anyway.”
I ended the call, tapped the phone against my palm, searching through my brain for any possible numbers I could remember. It didn’t help that my parents had canceled my cell phone. My mom was going to be completely pissed off when she saw all the calls I’d made on her cell.
My friend Lydia had stopped by the house today to tell me good-bye before we left for the new house tomorrow. She’d told me all the rumors swirling around the school about Jared, that she was pretty sure they were true, that Christopher hadn’t been at school in the last two days.
That fearful broken heart Christopher had left me with two nights ago had suddenly transformed, amplified with a need to get to him. To set things right. I desperately dialed what seemed like an endless slew of numbers trying to find him.
Damned the consequences.
I didn’t care anymore.
As far as I was concerned, my parents had lost their right, had lost their say, because what they had done was wrong.
Five minutes later, my mom’s cell rang in my hand.
Ben.
Fumbling, I answered it, probably a little too eagerly. “Hello?”
“God, Samantha, I’m going to regret doing this, but I’m at a party… at the same house I saw you at a few months ago? Do you remember?”
Of course I remembered.
That house. That pivotal night.
It had set about a change in direction that had woven Christopher so deeply in my heart, when he’d whispered his love and I’d admitted mine. When we’d confessed and I’d completely succumbed.
“Yes, I remember,” I said, holding my breath.
Ben released his in a huge exhale. “Christopher just walked in the door. He’s asking about you. You better get down here.”
“Oh my gosh, I want to hug you! Thank you so much,” I gushed, excitement bursting from my mouth. “I’ll be right there.”
I tossed my mom’s phone on the counter and scratched out a note.
I don’t know when I’ll be back. Please don’t worry, but I have to do this. I’m sorry.
Then I ran. Ran as hard as I could, the rubber soles of my canvas shoes slapping against the concrete. The steady beat echoed out against the deep, dark night. It took me all of ten minutes before I was standing in front of the two-story house tucked far back in a cul-de-sac, away from prying neighbors and passersby.
It was all lit up, lights blazing from the windows, the thump of music vibrating from within. Voices shouted, laughter sang.
And I kinda wanted to sing, too.
He’d never have treated me with disregard. I got it now, felt it deep in my spirit, and the boy I thought I had lost now suddenly seemed closer than he ever had.
I ran up the sidewalk and flung the door open wide. It clattered against the inside wall. I didn’t stop to care that half the people in the room turned to look at me as if I were some kind of deranged person.
Someone who’d lost her grip on reality.
Not when I’d come to reclaim mine.
From the side, Ben grabbed my arm.
“Hey,” I said, and I could feel the force of my smile as I turned toward him, felt it falter just as fast when I caught the sympathetic concern on his face.
Under his breath, he muttered, “I knew this was a bad idea.”
I blinked, fighting the welling of panic that jumped up in me. “What are you talking about?”
Ben shook his head, seemingly talking to himself. “I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt… hoped he’d changed and realized what he had, but I should have known better.”
A shiver of foreboding slithered down my spine. “What are you talking about?” I repeated.
“Let me get you out of here and away from that asshole, Samantha.”
I tore my arm from his grasp. “I’m not going anywhere until I talk to Christopher. Where is he?”
Ben’s attention flicked to the staircase. “I can’t let you go up there.”
I didn’t hear anything other than up there, and I was on the move, pounding up the stairs as fast as my feet could take me. Somehow I felt drawn to that room, the place where Christopher had seen me at my lowest low and then elevated me to my highest high.
I had to see him. To make this right.
A sense of dread clamped down on my spirit, and I paused at the door. My hand was shaking when I lifted it to the knob. I turned it, and the door swung open.
And I felt the fissure, the jagged cracks that splintered as my world crumbled from beneath me.
Over the last four months, since they’d caught me sneaking home in the middle of the night, my parents had done their best to pound their beliefs into me. To plant them so deeply in my psyche there was no possibility other than for them to take root. To mold their little girl back into who they’d raised her to be.
I’d rejected it all, steadfast in my own belief, a fortress of protection built up around my consciousness, the impenetrable walls made up of the love I had for Christopher and the devotion he had for me.
But this… this scene before me demolished it.
Every naive conviction was blasted away.
Devastating me.
A silent cry roared from my lacerated heart, this unbearable pain that sliced me in two.
As much as I wanted to run, I was frozen, locked in horror.
Jasmine cut her attention to me. A vicious sneer curled up her mouth, lipstick smeared, her naked body one with Christopher’s. She exaggerated the roll of her hips and looked back down at a man I had no clue could be so cruel and vile. My gaze dropped, both terrified and desperate to see his gorgeous face – the one I’d thought held so much beauty, meant only for me.
His head lolled to the side. Through a rush of tears, I watched a disdainful smile spread, green eyes glued to mine, as if he were delivering a message.
One I heard loud and clear.
Then he turned away and drove his fingers into her too-skinny hips.
My gut twisted inside out, and I clapped my hand over my mouth to keep from puking all over the floor. Somehow I managed to tear myself from the doorway, and I staggered down the hall, my hand pressed to the wall for support. I barely made it to the bathroom, and I dropped to my knees at the toilet, purging all the turmoil that wrecked my body.
But there was no expelling this devastation. No balm or medicine or cure. I felt as if I was on fire, incinerating from the inside out. Those flames Christopher had lit, the ones that had once warmed me, were now burning me alive.
And I wept, wept as I retched and wished that I’d never followed him out my window that first time, wished I hadn’t let him fill me with hope and love and belief when none of those things had ever existed.
Wished I hadn’t been such a fool.
I hated that all the warnings my parents and Ben had given me were right.
“How could he do this to us?” I mumbled through the pain.
“Shh… Samantha, sweetheart.” Ben was on his knees beside me, his hand soothing on my heaving back. “I’m so sorry. So sorry you had to see who Christopher really is. I thought I could spare you. He’s not worth it, Samantha. He’s evil. Evil. He’s been with her for months, and when I saw him earlier, I t
hought maybe…” He squeezed the back of my neck, massaging, trying to give me comfort when none could be found. “Goddamn it,” he swore, “I just wanted to see you happy. I know you’ve been struggling so much. I shouldn’t have called you. You shouldn’t have come here.”
He pushed back the hair clinging to my sweat-drenched forehead, placed a gentle kiss at my temple. “I’ve got you, sweetheart. I’ve got you. He can’t hurt you anymore.”
And I felt so light when Ben scooped me into his arms. Weightless. Because I’d been burned to nothing.
Ashes.
I should have known. Should have listened. My parents had pled, warning me of the immorality I was being tempted into, the spiritual death that came with those sins.
And that’s exactly how I felt.
Like a piece of me had died.
Something vital.
Something right.
A piece that would always belong to him.
TWENTY-SEVEN
Samantha
For hours, I drove.
Aimless.
Over near deserted streets, passing by vacant parking lots, storefronts closed down for the night, I roamed through all the disorder that had taken over my heart and mind. Exhaustion threatened to pull me under, my eyes puffy and red and unable to see far enough into the mess that had become my life.
When I could go no farther, I pulled up outside the slumbering house, cut the lights and the engine.
God, what was I doing? Funny, how after everything, this was the one place I felt I could go.
Resigned, I stepped from my car and stumbled up the sidewalk. Above, the night was dense, the trees still and the air full. I drew in a heavy gulp of it and wiped my soggy face, knowing I had to look a total mess. Nothing to be done about that. Like they wouldn’t clue in that something had gone horribly wrong when I showed up at their house at three in the morning, anyway.
Softly I knocked on the door.
Movement rustled from the other side and the door cracked open to a sleepy, frowning Jared. “Sam?” He stepped back, opening the door wider, scraping a hand over his face to wake himself up. He wore only his boxers, obviously drawn from bed.
God, could I feel any worse for doing this? I peered up at him, tried to conceal the torment in my words, but it just leaked through like water through a sieve. “I’m so sorry for waking you up, but I didn’t have anywhere else to go.”
His frown deepened, but not in annoyance. “Hey, don’t worry about it for a second. You know you’re welcome here anytime.”
“Thank you,” I said, and he ushered me in. Subdued lights from the kitchen illuminated the space, and Aly emerged at the end of the short hall that led to their bedroom. She squinted at me. “Samantha?” In sleep shorts and a tee, she shuffled forward, craning her head. “Are you okay?”
“No,” I admitted. And I thought I’d cried myself dry, but when I saw her face fall in sympathy, I broke.
Quickly she crossed the room and pulled me into her arms, shushed me and soothed me while I quite literally cried into her shoulder.
Jared stepped back, giving us space, but still there with unwavering support.
And in spite of every emotion I’d been wrung through today, or maybe because of it, I finally truly understood what friendship meant, what I’d been missing for all those years.
Little muffled cries stirred up from Ella’s room.
“I’m so sorry for waking you all up,” I apologized profusely, wondering if either of them could even understand what I was saying through my trembling voice.
Aly stepped back and rubbed the outsides of my upper arms. “No apologies.” She squeezed in emphasis. “Jared and I both told you before, you belong here, with us. If you need help, we’re here, night or day. Understand?” She gave me a warm smile. “Besides, Ella was due to wake up to eat any second.”
Sniffling, I nodded. “Okay.”
“Why don’t you go sit on the couch and I’ll make you a cup of tea. Sound good?”
“Yeah.”
She turned to Jared. “Would you get Ella?”
“Glad to.” He headed down the hall. The echo of his muted, tender voice filtered down the hall from his daughter’s room.
Slipping off my shoes, I took a seat on the couch and drew my knees up to my chest, hugging them, searching for some kind of comfort that seemed impossible to find.
Still, being here?
It helped.
I rejected another call from Ben while Aly flitted around in the kitchen, quick to return with a steaming cup.
“Thank you,” I said, accepting it. I blew at the hot liquid before I brought it to my lips to take a sip.
Aly settled at the opposite end of the couch, crisscrossing her legs in front of her. Jared sauntered in, swaying Ella in his arms.
“Mommy time,” he said softly, easing that sweet baby girl into Aly’s arms. Ella wiggled and grunted, little legs flailing as she was situated against Aly’s chest. Jared ran his hand over the back of Ella’s head and dropped a tender kiss to Aly’s forehead. She lifted toward it, her eyes dropping closed as she relished his affection.
“Love you,” she said.
“Love you.” He glanced over at me, his expression uneasy, questioning, before he tipped his attention back down to Aly. “Why don’t I let the two of you talk?”
“Thank you,” she whispered, smiling a smile reserved only for her husband.
Awkwardly, Jared stepped back, slipped around the couch, and walked toward their bedroom. We both watched him over our shoulders as he went. He paused just before he disappeared into their room, eyes earnest when they locked on mine. “I know Christopher can be a complete idiot.” He shook his head. “I mean, we all can. Messing shit up every turn we take when it’s the last thing we want to do. But I think you should know I’ve only seen him spun up over a girl twice in his life.” Hand propped on the doorframe, he hesitated, then said, “Both times, that girl’s been you.”
Gratefulness and sorrow hit me full force. I flinched but tucked his words in deep. He dipped his chin before he disappeared into his room.
For a few minutes, Aly and I sat in silence while she situated Ella to feed her. We drifted on the charged quiet, Aly running her fingers through the thin strands of Ella’s dark hair, looking down at her tiny cherub face. It was such a gentle scene of pure, unadulterated love.
It filled me with a yearning unlike anything I’d ever known and strangely comforted me at the same time.
Aly glanced over at me, turned back to rub the bottom of Ella’s foot. Ella grunted in satisfaction. “I’m guessing it was my brother who put that look on your face?” Aly ventured.
Air filtered regretfully from my nose. “I think he’s the only one who’s capable of it.”
“So… are you two…” She trailed off, confusion and question in her tone, like she was trying to catch up to the events that had led us to this place, when the truth was, I was having a hard time keeping up with them myself. I kept replaying and replaying everything Christopher had said, the pleas and the explanations I didn’t know how to piece together with what I’d seen that night.
“Yeah,” I finally confessed. The word was raw.
Well, we were.
Her face was downturned, but I didn’t miss the flash of a smile that quirked at one side of her mouth.
“Are you really grinning right now?” I accused, trying to keep back the incredulous, confounded laughter that seemed to want to work its way out.
God, I had to be losing my mind.
Here I was, sitting on a couch in the middle of the night with the sister of the man who had yet again broken my heart. And she was making me laugh. The same way she always did, with that uncanny ability to dive below the surface, to reach out and pluck the positive from every situation that seemed entirely hopeless.
“What?” This time she let her smile widen, slanted it over at me, full and on display, her shoulders up to her ears. “Shouldn’t I be excited that my friend finally
got that screw loosened that had her wound up so tight?”
She winked, just accentuating the horrible joke, and this time I barked out a laugh that was hoarse with all the tears I’d shed. “Aly, you’re terrible. Terrible.” I cast her a trembling smile. “Thank you,” I said again, this time quieter, letting her know how much I appreciated her.
“Seriously, Samantha.” She sucked in a breath, as if she was trying to gather her thoughts. “You and Christopher… when you’re in the room together? There’s no question where either of you belongs. I’m not sorry that it makes me happy that you found each other.” She blinked hard. “But what I am sorry about is that it led to this. You want to tell me what happened?”
Starting at the beginning, I told Aly everything, how much I’d loved him and how much I’d believed he’d loved me. My parents and all the rules they’d imposed with the intention of snuffing our love out. I tried my best to describe how horrible it’d felt to find him with Jasmine, how it’d wrecked something in me that I’d never thought could be repaired. I left out none of the sordid details, exposed myself in that time’s innocence and the lessons I’d learned the hard, hard way.
And to be honest, it felt good to have it revealed.
Yeah, Ben knew all about it. He’d been there. But for years, he’d held it over my head as a fault to belittle my judgment, pouring continuous salt in that forever festering wound.
Nervously, I picked at the hem of my shirt. “The worst part of it all was finding out someone I thought was committed to me wasn’t at all. I lost so much faith that night, seeing him with her and then Ben breaking it to me that he’d been with her all along. It killed something inside of me, Aly.”
Regret slowly shook my head. “But being with him now? That part felt alive again… like I could really breathe again for the first time in seven years. How pathetic is that?”
Aly shifted in her discomfort for me. “Not pathetic, Samantha. It means you love him. Wholly. That he’s a piece of you and when he’s missing you feel the vacancy. You can’t blame yourself for loving someone.”
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