by L. E. Waters
A week later, Perotto comes. My heart jumps into my throat, so I can barely breathe when I see his slight but tall frame and youthful, happy face. I run to him while he’s trying to take off his satchel, and he smiles as he sees the effect his absence had on me. My maid, Pantasilea, comes in to announce the messenger, but seeing us, she quickly looks to the floor and leaves. We’re both wrestling to free each other of our clothes. Perotto, getting impatient, lifts me onto my bed, pulls up my skirts, and climbs on top of me in a sea of down pillows.
He reads his letter to me an hour later and says, “You’ll have to write back to him this time, and for my sake, ask a question so I can be back in a matter of days.”
He kisses me on the forehead. I start dictating as he grabs for ink and paper.
“Most Holy Father,
I am sorry my attempt for solitude has caused you such pain. I have run to San Sisto to calm my nerves exacerbated by the difficulty of what you and Cesare want for me. I am feeling better every day but am not quite ready to leave yet. What can I do for you from the convent?
Ever your obedient daughter,
Lucrezia.”
“How is that?”
“Perfect, he’ll have me run here in the night to instruct you, I’m sure.” He puts the letter away, and then gives me a kiss as he leaves.
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞
He’s back the next day and almost every other day after for two months. We keep writing letters with questions and talk of returning to keep Perotto coming back as soon as he can. Today is different, though; he enters, but as I run to him, he gives me a serious and foreboding look that causes my eagerness to halt.
“I bring you bad news, Princess.”
He takes the letter out of his bag and reads:
Sweet Daughter,
Though I am very glad you have come around to move forward in our situation, I have only sad news to speak about. Juan disappeared on June 14. He had been having dinner at your mother’s vineyard in the country with Cesare. Cesare has reported that Juan said that he must leave. Cesare, knowing it was not safe for a Borgia to travel alone in the midst of such enemies in Gandia, tried to accompany him, but Juan would not have it. Cesare noticed a cloaked man follow closely behind Juan’s mule as Juan left heading toward the Ghetto.
Cesare waited for Juan by the bridge by the Piazza Judea, but he did not return. Cesare decided to wait until the morning, thinking that Juan might be out on another one of his brothel visits. When he wasn’t found the next morning, the word got out, and the whole city has closed up and armed in fear of a vendetta.
Lucrezia, dear, please sit down now—Perotto, make her sit.
Perotto guides me from my frozen position to sit on the bed. He sits and continues reading next to me.
A week later, a timber dealer notified officials that he had seen two wary men emerge from an alley to the place where refuse is thrown into the river. The men signaled back into the alley and a rider on a white horse appeared, carrying a body across the saddle. The two individuals on foot took either side of the body and flung it into the river. They then all disappeared into the alley whence they came.
I sent everyone I could, bought every fishing boat and fishermen to search for the body thrown in that night. First, they found a body of an unknown, but then we found Juan. He was still as beautiful as he was alive, fully clothed and gloved, even with the nine stab wounds. I am going to seek such revenge on whoever did this and fling him into the river like filth. I have closed myself away in my room without food or drink for four days. I need you now, precious daughter. You must come home now to grieve for Juan.
Your Tortured Father,
Pope Alexander VI
I’m in tears by the end of the letter and feel numb to the news of Juan being fished from the river. I feel guilty I’ve stayed here so long and not seen him for months. Feel guilty that I’ve been so selfish and run away from my family.
“Pantasilea!” I call.
She comes running in.
“A terrible thing has happened to the Duke of Gandia. I must have my things packed and leave at once for the Vatican.”
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I go into my father’s suite and see him sitting in a chair, staring out the open door to his balcony. Cesare gets up upon my arrival and gives me a kiss.
“Good to see you, sister. It has been too long.”
Taking his jeer in stride, I go to hug Father, who sobs in my embrace.
“Juan was such a brilliant boy. Always full of such vitality. He was the spark in a room. I had such plans for him.”
Cesare seems uncomfortable at his remembrance and tries to change the subject. He clears his throat. “I know this is the work of the Orsini family. It’s in retaliation for imprisoning Virginio Orsini. He died only a few months ago during his imprisonment. I’ve heard they blame the pope.”
I study Cesare. He seems to be telling the truth, but that can be hard to tell with Cesare, since he’s learned deception from my father. The whole way home, I’d a terrible feeling that Juan’s death is Cesare’s attempt to control Juan’s behavior, have Sancia to himself, and claim the dukedom that he feels was always his. I truly hope it is the Orsini. To think Cesare’s capable of something like this is unnerving.
My father raises a hand weakly. “You’re probably right, Cesare. Only the Orsini could retaliate like this. As soon as I bury Juan, I’ll show them what a mistake they made.”
It’s true; Juan looks as handsome in death as he had in life. Father makes sure he’s wearing his pearl-and-gold brocade jacket with the Duke of Gandia gold-and-ruby chain. I kiss his cold and hardened cheek for the last time, and as I’m walking away from him, I feel lightheaded and fall. I awake minutes later inside one of the Vatican rooms, and the papal doctor is attending to me. I feel hot and queasy still. When the doctor finishes examining me, he comes over as he wipes his hands.
“You are with child, my dear.”
I can’t speak.
“You seem to be two months along.”
I turn to my lady in waiting. “Please bring my father at once.”
The doctor turns to leave, but I say, “No, good doctor, you must stay. My father will need to speak to you.”
My father comes in looking worried at my fall. He sits on the bed next to me and pats my head. “You’re stressed over Juan’s passing. It has been too much for you to bear.”
“Father, the doctor has found that I’m two months pregnant.”
My father’s lips tense together, and then he raises his head up to stare at the ceiling, then back down at me.
“Perotto’s?”
He has done the math.
“Yes.”
He looks up again at the ceiling, and I hold my breath.
“I should’ve known better than to send the handsome Spaniard,” he says out loud to himself.
He turns back to me. “This means you must go to Giovanni at once, before you show, and bring him back here. Do everything you can to get him to sign. Time is now of the essence.”
“I’ll bring him back as soon as I’m well, Father.”
“Then you’ll go back to San Sisto until the baby’s born. Doctor?” Father calls.
The doctor comes near.
“I’ve always paid you well, haven’t I?”
The doctor nods, wondering what my father is going to say next.
“You’ve now witnessed delicate information, information that must never go beyond these walls. I have many friends, friends that will do my bidding when I so much as whisper. If you’re a friend of mine, you’ll do far better than if you are not.”
The doctor goes pale. “Yes, Your Holiness, I am a friend.”
Father turns back to me. “Come, dear, let’s get you ready for Sforza.”
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞
By the time I reach Pesaro, I’m so queasy from the bumpy roads I have to open the door and get sick. My maids hold my hair
back and assist me into the house. Giovanni’s rushed down and, seeing my poor color, pulls a chair up for me to sit.
I push the fretting hands away, saying, “Leave me, I’m fine now.”
Giovanni brings me a glass of water, and I say, “So nice to see you again.”
He answers, “It’s always nice to see you.”
There’s silence for a few moments as I drink the cool water. I try to think of what to say next, but he begins, “I know why you’ve come, and I’m not going to go with you to sign those papers. It’s a lie, and you know it.”
“Giovanni, I’m at the mercy of the pope and my brother. I do as they tell me. I’ve hidden myself in San Sisto for months, and they’ll never relent in this. I’m sorry I’ve been such a disappointment, but I cannot change their minds. Can you understand that?”
He looks at me, and I can see he’s absorbed it. His posture softens slightly. “Cesare’s been sending messengers daily. Becoming increasingly threatening if I do not obey. He’s even had his allies send letters showing me how many are against me.”
“I know how Cesare is, and that’s one of the reasons I’ve little choice or say in my life.”
He nods in empathy.
“Will you please come back to Rome with me and free yourself once and for all?” I reach for his hand. “I will never be free of them but you can be.”
He grasps my fingers within his warm hand. “I’ll go with you but not for my freedom, only to appease your abusers.”
Chapter 6
The Cardinal College assembles three months later. Giovanni stands with a few of his advisors at one table, and Cesare, Father, and I stand at another.
“Giovanni Sforza, do you agree to this annulment based on accusations of impotency?”
Giovanni’s sideswiped by this new twist.
“That is not correct, Your Excellencies.” He turns to Father. “We agreed to non-consummation, Your Holiness.”
Father speaks, not to Giovanni, but to the papal court. “My son-in-law is embarrassed at the pronouncement of his impotency, but it most certainly is the reason for annulment.”
This sends Giovanni into a tantrum. “This is a trick! You promised it would be non-consummation, but you’re doing this to blame this on me so that your Lucrezia goes on unscathed. I will not have it! I will not sign!”
“Is it true that you are impotent?” one of the cardinals asks.
Giovanni turns to me and says, “I know the lady well.”
“Lucrezia, is that true?” the cardinal asks.
I stand up and say, “I am still a virgin, sirs.”
Giovanni laughs out loud in a hysterical way.
Another cardinal asks my father, “Is there a doctor that can testify to this?”
The papal doctor is brought in and stands before the court.
“Doctor, you have examined the lady?”
“Yes, Your Excellency.”
“Do you proclaim her to be untouched?”
“Intact, Your Excellency,” he lies.
“Thank you, you may leave.”
Giovanni pleads, “Your Excellency, my last wife died in childbirth. How do you explain that if I’m impotent?”
“Is that verified, Your Holiness?” the cardinal asks of my father.
“It is true she died in childbirth, but there has been rumor he paid for another to sire it.”
Giovanni punches the desk and kicks a chair. “I will not have such lies spoken!”
My father stays calm. “It’s simple, then. Let Giovanni prove to the courts by consummating with his wife before us all so he can restore his reputation.”
The court is quiet.
Giovanni states, “I will never!”
Father pushes. “A potent man would jump at the chance to prove his virility.”
“I do not want to have to prove myself in front of a papal legate. But you and Cesare would surely enjoy watching Lucrezia, I’m sure.”
This catches my father off guard and infuriates him.
“What do you imply with that comment?” Father says through his grinding teeth.
“Nothing, except that I’ve had to share Lucrezia our whole marriage. You and Cesare fight for her charms as only a husband would.”
The court is unsettled by this accusation, and Giovanni begins to enjoy the stir he causes. I don’t feel sorry for deceiving him any longer.
“My cardinals, this is slander.”
“And my impotency is not?’
The cardinal proclaims, “Giovanni, since you will not demonstrate your potency in front of the court and the lady proclaims her virginity, which a papal doctor confirms, I can only rule that the marriage is annulled due to impotency.”
The cardinal gives two papers for a servant of the court to bring to each of us. My father signs mine. Giovanni shakes his head as he begrudgingly signs his.
Giovanni looks up and says, “I will say a prayer for your next husband.”
Father puts his arm around my shoulder, and I try to walk to hide the large bump that is getting bigger with each day.
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I’m delivered back to San Sisto. I’m sure the rumors of our humiliating annulment are buzzing throughout Rome and elsewhere. I’m glad to be secluded away from it all. Father has reassigned Perotto so that he won’t be delivering any more messages to me, and I grow fat and lonely in my convent suite.
I’m tied up to a tree in the middle of a cropless field with fabric stuffed in my mouth. I squint up in the sunlight to see something floating down. When it floats nearer, I see it’s a sealed letter. It’s beautiful and mesmerizing as it flutters this way and that. As soon as it hits the ground, a brown wolf pounces on it and shreds it in pieces. I pull at my restraints to stop the wolf, but I can’t get free, and my screams won’t be heard.
I wake up sweating, alone with my enormous belly on the chilly moonless night.
There’s a commotion at the door of the convent below my room the next morning, and I open the window to see what it’s about.
“He can’t keep me from her!” I hear Perotto’s voice.
Three nuns push him back out the door, but he spins around and runs back through the open door. He tears down the corridor, and Pantasilea tries to hold the door shut, but he flings the door open with such force that Pantasilea falls on her backside.
“Lucrezia!” He rushes to me and wraps his arms around me but feels the swollen belly and pulls away, eyes wide.
“Is this mine?”
I shake my head without making eye contact.
“You lie to me! It is mine! That explains why His Holiness forbade me to see you. It’s why he has allowed you to return here.” He sits back in the chair, absorbing it all.
I say nothing; I have to be very careful. I’m supposed to speak to no one but my most trusted maids. Pantasilea looks out the window, worrying that Perotto knows now.
“You must go back and say nothing, or your life will be in danger.”
“Say nothing? We should be wed. I’ll talk to your father and make him understand it’s the right thing to do.”
What a fool. He actually thinks my father will allow me to wed a messenger! I clumsily kneel at his feet and grab his hand.
“Perotto, you must hear me. Father is hiding me so no one knows of this birth. I’ll still be declared a virgin, and you must not say anything to the contrary.”
Perotto throws his head back in anger.
“No, Perotto, you must be quiet, or you will be silenced!” Panicked tears stream.
“What will happen to my child?”
“It’ll be raised as Cesare’s illegitimate child and inherit rich papal lands. I’ll watch over the child and make sure it has everything it wants. Our child will not suffer in the slightest.”
He looks me in the eyes and takes me in for a prolonged hug. As he pulls away, he says, “I’m your father’s favorite messenger. I’ll speak to him and see if some other arrangement can be reached.”
<
br /> I open my mouth to protest, and he puts his finger up to my lips. “Shhh, calm yourself, I fear not your father or Cesare.”
He gives me a sweet kiss and strides courageously out the door.
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞
One week later, one of my lesser maids comes running in with news. “Mistress, Mistress!”
“What has happened?” Many fears run through my head.
“Pantasilea! Don Michelotto came last night and took her away, and she hasn’t shown up for work this morning.”
Perotto must have met with Father.
“Fetch my messenger; I need to see to her whereabouts.”
My messenger returns the next day and reads:
Dearest Sister,
I regret to inform you that your maidservant, Pantasilea, has been found but under unhappy circumstance. She and the messenger boy, Perotto, must have been having a lover’s stroll on Saint Valentine’s day and fell into the Tiber and drowned. It is sad such young love was extinguished, but now all is right with the world. Your virtue is safe, and you have nothing to fear as long as your loving brother is keeping out a watchful eye.
Your protector,
Cesare, Duke of Gandia
Chapter 7
One month later, I give birth. I name him Giovanni Borgia, after Juan, but due to his dubious parentage, he becomes better known as the Roman Infant. Father comes immediately to collect us to the Vatican, and the baby is kept away from me and raised by wet nurses.
I’m not allowed to love anything.
Cesare bursts into my room. “Sister, stop moping and come with me at once.”
“Where are you going?” I look up from my embroidery.
“I have arranged something that will lift your spirits.” He pulls me up from my chair.