by Jennifer Rae
Faith’s eyes left his and she turned back to the stage. She rested her hands on either side of her thighs and her spine went all stiff again. She shrugged one shoulder slowly. ‘It’s different for women, Cash. Our power is not physical, it’s mental. It’s our ability to out-think and outsmart. To stay two steps ahead. It’s what we do to protect ourselves. From people who want to hurt us.’ Her eyes flicked to him. ‘Those women on stage are aware of their power. Up there, she can make a man do whatever she wants. She can make him fall in love. She can make him want her like he’s never wanted anything in his life. She can control him. That’s the power of burlesque.’
Cash shifted but didn’t take his eyes off her. Something was happening. Her eyes were challenging him.
‘These men don’t really want her. They’re being manipulated. It’s not real and neither is her power. All of this is a lie. An illusion. Just an act.’
‘Maybe. But aren’t we all acting? Pretending to know more than we do. Pretending not to feel what we feel. Even you, I suspect.’ Those eyes of hers held him steady. ‘You talk of honesty like you don’t tell lies. You want everyone to think you’re the most honest man in the room, but you’re hiding like the rest of us. The difference is you’re too scared to admit it.’
She had no idea what she was talking about. Scared? Him? When he was a cameraman, he’d come face to face with terrorists and been in the middle of war zones. Nothing scared him. Except her. Right now, the way she was looking at him made his heart scud across his chest as if it’d been crash tackled by the entire back line of the Welsh rugby team.
‘You want to know the truth?’ Her eyes flicked back to his and she considered him. He waited until he had her full attention; he waited until he saw her eyes move to his lips and watch as his words formed. ‘I want you, Faith. In my bed. Right now. I want to have sex—just sex. With you.’
SEVENTEEN
Faith swallowed hard as she watched Cash’s lips move. She saw the words form on his lips but the catcalling and yelling from the crowd made it hard for her to hear. What she thought she heard was that he wanted her. In his bed. Right now.
She couldn’t look into his eyes. She’d wanted to hurt him. She’d wanted him to feel a little of the way she’d felt this afternoon. Used and unwanted. But for some reason nothing ever went simply with Cash. He caught her out every time. As if by just looking into her eyes he could see the truth. But she didn’t want him to know the truth. She didn’t want just sex with him. She wanted more. When he looked at her like that, as if he was really seeing her, she could feel her body melting.
He’d said this afternoon that he was there for her. He’d told her that he was there for her if she needed him and she’d even started to believe him. Especially when he’d opened up about his past. But then he’d said she could have another show and everything had spiralled. She couldn’t even remember what she’d said to him. She wasn’t even sure any more what she felt—all she knew was that it was all getting confused. Sex, love—she had no idea what it was all about and she wondered if she ever would.
Faith turned away, her brain ticking and her body buzzing. The heat of him so close warmed her bare skin. Her skin ached to feel his. She didn’t want to feel this. She wanted to like him less. She wanted it to just be about sex but every time his eyes snagged on hers she felt more. But she didn’t want to feel more. Not with him. Not with someone she was sure wouldn’t be able to return her feelings. She just wanted to push what she felt down deep where she’d pushed everything else.
Cash didn’t touch her but she could feel him next to her, his body pulsing with heat and anticipation. His arm brushed hers as he reached for the drink in front of her and he met her eyes with that intense stare. He wanted to drink her drink. She nodded and he picked it up and took a sip. His lips touched the glass right where hers had been moments ago. Something inside her froze. Somehow that small action of him drinking her drink seemed even more intimate than the kisses they’d shared or the way he’d touched her on his bed. He was sharing her drink. Trusting her. Letting her know that they were together. But they weren’t, and she needed to stop thinking about him as someone who could care about her. She knew what he wanted and that was all he’d ever want.
She tried to think but here in this club, filled with slow sensual music and hot bodies beating with anticipation, it was hard to think. She knew if she took him up on his offer it would just be sex. But sex was never just sex. Not for her.
‘Faith?’ His deep voice growled in her ear and she jumped. ‘Did you hear what I said?’
She didn’t look at him but kept her eyes on the stage, her chin up. ‘I heard you.’
‘Then what do you say?’
Faith raised her eyes and met his dark stare. Perhaps she should see this through. Perhaps this was exactly what she needed to do. Maybe she could use him the way other men used her. Maybe she’d finally learn what it felt like to have an orgasm with someone other than herself. A shiver ripped through her.
She didn’t love him and he couldn’t ever love her; this would just be physical. And she’d be safe as long as it stayed that way. She was safe as long as... The touch of his thumb tracing her cheek stopped every thought in her head. He had moved in closer. She turned to him and his eyes roamed her face before settling back on hers and locking. Hard. His eyes were so beautiful. So dark they seemed to go on for ever. She could drown in them.
A sleepy fog spread throughout her body. The way he looked at her was making it hard for her to think straight. But she had to. She had to figure out what to do. She had to figure out if seeing through this chemistry they shared would lead to closure—or would it just slash open a wound she’d taken care to keep very securely stitched up?
‘Perhaps you should find someone else, someone who shares your philosphy on life and love.’ His eyes slid to her lips as she spoke and it became harder not to push closer but she didn’t. She stayed still until his eyes returned to hers.
‘I don’t want anyone else. I want you.’ Faith’s cheeks burned and she had to turn away. I want you. No one had ever said that to her. Definitely not with the intensity with which he’d just said it. Let’s do it. Why not? She’d heard that. But never I want you. A simple sentence that made her heart ache. He didn’t want her. It was a line. She knew that. She was feeling things she shouldn’t feel again. She moved away from him.
‘What you need is a night with a woman who can teach you what you’re doing wrong.’
A crease formed between his eyes and Faith looked at it, transfixed.
‘Maybe what you need,’ he shot back, ‘is to spend a night with someone who can teach you what you’ve been doing wrong.’
‘I don’t do anything wrong. Sex with me will be the highlight of your life.’ She smiled—trying to keep it light—trying to establish that all-important barrier. But then he reached for her hand and held it. He didn’t stroke or play with her. He just held her hand and let his other arm fall around her shoulders while his eyes held hers.
‘I don’t want to see your tricks. I want to see you.’
Something ached behind her breastbone. She couldn’t breathe. Her stomach tumbled. She shifted so his arm fell off her shoulder but his hand held tight to hers.
Forcing a smile onto her face, she ground out, ‘Don’t be so quick to fob off my tricks—you haven’t seen them yet.’
She was bluffing. She had no tricks. She had no idea what to do—she’d never had good sex. A few fumbles in the dark, that was all. But she couldn’t let him know that.
His big arm encircled her shoulder again and he pulled her in with a strong, easy movement. So strong. So easy to trust, but she had to stay alert. Remember who he was and what he believed in. Lust. Sex. Definitely not love. He leaned down to her ear and a shiver spread over her shoulders and tickled down the backs of her arms at the feel of his hot breath. �
�I want you, Faith,’ he murmured.
Faith breathed. In and out. She wanted him too. Every pore of her skin screamed as he pressed up against her—hot and hard and big. She wanted him but she had no idea what to do with him. She would disappoint him and herself and the familiar feeling of shame and inadequacy would come back.
‘If we do this, I want to make one thing clear.’
‘Yes?’ His expression turned hungry. His tongue came out to run across his bottom lip and everything in Faith’s body seized.
‘I’m in charge. I lead. You follow.’ She thought that would turn him off. He seemed the type of man to want to be in control. But to her horror, he didn’t disagree.
‘If that’s what you want. But you might change your mind. Often the woman who wants to be in charge is the very woman who likes to be controlled.’
‘I don’t want to be controlled. I want you to listen. And do what I say.’
He moved closer and she stayed still. His lips hovered above her ear and then he dipped his head. His lips brushed the skin at her nape and she shivered, not daring to move her arms in case all her much-needed control fled.
‘I’ll do what you say.’ His teeth bared down onto the soft flesh on her neck and he bit down gently.
She let her head fall back a little as his tongue shot out to soothe the place he’d just bitten. She ached to touch him but she didn’t.
‘You’d better.’ Her voice came out in a whisper.
His mouth moved around to her earlobe and he bit her again. She forced the whimper on her lips back in. When his mouth finally made its way to her cheek she turned her head—without thinking. She wanted her lips near his and she wanted his lips on hers.
‘But if you do change your mind and want me to take control, be warned...’ His hot breath went into her mouth and she turned more—seeking the hotness of his mouth. Wanting it but hating that she wanted it all at once. ‘I’ll make you beg.’
Images of begging him poured into her mind and she struggled to stay in control. His lips were soft and achingly tender when they kissed the corner of her mouth. She wanted to slump into him. She wanted to turn her head and let him kiss her deep and hard and long. But instead she turned her head and looked back at the stage, her heart hurting inside her chest as it beat furiously and her fingernails sore where they dug into the lounge.
‘I won’t change my mind.’
Thankfully, Cash turned back to the stage and didn’t look at her. She was relieved because she wasn’t sure every thought in her ridiculous head wasn’t showing on her face. She wished she could get up and walk out but she couldn’t do that. The cameras were here and recording. She’d seen him set one up on her face. She’d go in and do the voice-overs tomorrow.
Right now, she wished there weren’t any cameras on her. And she didn’t want to think about this show and the dancers and everything else she’d rave about in her report tomorrow. Right now all she wanted to do was feel Cash’s warm arm slung behind her on the chair. Enjoy the way he smelled when he leaned in close. Experience the way her skin tingled when he spoke in her ear—his voice vibrating through her. What she wanted to do was wrap herself around him—take every stitch of clothing off and be on top of him so she could see him. Watch his muscles move as he lifted his arms, see his face when they...
She had to do this. Now. Quickly she stood and felt his eyes on her. ‘Let’s go.’
‘Now?’
‘Now.’
Faith made it all the way to the door before she stopped. Cash was still there, at her back, and she was sweating. Could she really do this? This was mad. She’d be the one left hurt if it backfired. She’d spent her life thinking sex was never just sex. What if it was? What if they did it and he left and that was it? Or what if it was her who didn’t feel anything? Faith felt as if she were on the edge of something and jumping meant everything would change for ever. Was she ready for that? No, this was a ridiculous idea. She turned to face him, looking up at him as he was now so close.
‘You don’t want me, Cash. Let me find you someone else. Let me introduce you to Betty.’ He looked confused for a second, then angry, then, with a hand hovering above the small of her back, his eyes searched her face. ‘Are you all right, Faith?’
She shifted as if to go around him but he stopped her. He brought his hands up to the tops of her arms and pulled her closer. His big, strong chest was pushed against hers. She wanted to curl herself up against him, breathe him in and let him hold her.
But she didn’t.
She couldn’t because then he’d leave and her heart would break.
Instead she smiled.
She nodded, adding a bright smile to her face. ‘Of course. Are you?’ She tried to keep her voice light and bright.
‘Yes.’ He sounded so definate. So resolute. ‘Are you sure you’re all right?’
He knew. He always knew when she wasn’t telling the truth. ‘Yes.’
Cash moved his body slightly closer to her and dropped his hand to slip it around her waist. It felt incredibly intimate and she looked around to see if anyone noticed. But no one was looking. His big body next to her was comforting.
‘We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. It’s probably not a good idea anyway. You work for me.’
She didn’t want him to be considerate or careful or nice. She wanted him to tell her again that she didn’t mean anything to him.
‘Not any more. You’re cancelling my show, remember?’
‘I can find you something else. There’s a spot on the breakfast program that needs filling.’
She shook her head. ‘No. It’s time for me to move on.’ She smiled up at him. She didn’t want to move on. She wanted to stay but she had to leave. She felt awful and sad and disappointed. His body shifted even closer until all she could feel was him and all she could smell was him and all she could think of was him. Close and wanting to be with her. Wanting to comfort her when she needed it. Sex. That’s what he was offering. Not love, just a token of his affection and she wanted to take it. For once she wanted sex to just be sex.
Faith shifted her arm and slipped her hand deep into his pocket, letting her fingers brush against him, enjoying the feel of him hardening beneath her touch. She wanted to feel him close. Even though she knew she was leaving and wouldn’t ever come back. Even though she knew what he felt was not a tenth of what she did. Never would be.
She removed her hand abruptly but he caught it and placed it into the crook of his arm.
‘Then there’s nothing stopping us.’
She blinked. They were going to do this. They were going to have ‘just sex’.
‘Cash...’
‘It’s just me, Faith. You and me,’ he said gently, and it was enough. Enough for her desperate heart to think that this wouldn’t matter. That she could handle it.
Carefully she lifted herself up and pressed her lips to his. He didn’t react violently but kissed her back, just as gently. When she opened her eyes he was looking at her, directly at her. The green in his left eye had her transfixed.
‘I think it’s time we left,’ she whispered, and he didn’t hesitate, just took her hand and led her out of the door.
EIGHTEEN
The feeling of Cash’s hand in hers and the hit of cool air when they stepped outside made Faith giddy. And when he pulled her into the laneway next to the club she knew she wasn’t going to turn back. He kissed her hard and pressed her into the wall. His hands found the bottom of her shirt and when they touched her skin underneath she moved closer to him.
‘I like the way you kiss,’ she murmured. She wanted to hold back and keep her distance but the way his lips kept moving to her neck, the bristles along his jaw scratching at her sensitised skin, was making her forget everything else.
‘You’re not so bad yourself.�
�� She felt his smile as he kissed back up her neck and placed a large hand around her jaw.
‘I want to kiss you everywhere.’
‘Then you should do it.’ His eyes met hers and the fire between them raged. She couldn’t help but think he felt it now. He had to feel this.
Placing her hands on his chest, she pushed, stopping his mouth from falling onto her neck again.
‘Wait, Cash, wait.’ He stilled and their eyes connected. ‘Do you like me? Do you care about me?’ She knew this was about sex. She knew that was all this was but something inside her had to be reassured. She had to know she was important to him.
His eyes slid from hers to her mouth, then back up again. She held her breath, dreading his answer. She knew what he was going to say and she knew how it was going to make her feel.
‘I like you right now. I want you right now. That’s all I can offer you.’
Faith wanted to kiss him, she wanted to accept what he was saying but everything was so confused in her mind. The memory of how much it hurt when a man walked out the door was too vivid—too real—and somehow if it was Cash walking out, she was sure it would feel even worse. Should she do this? Could she do this? She needed some space, some air, so she pushed his chest hard until no part of him had any contact with her body. Then she let her hands slide away and quickly, before she could change her mind, she walked away.
She hadn’t expected this to happen; she hadn’t expected to feel so much for him and she just couldn’t decide if she could handle it when he walked out the door.
‘Faith, stop running.’
His voice made her start to walk faster. She couldn’t deal with him right now. She needed to be alone.
‘Faith, stop.’ His arm was on her elbow and he swung her around. His eyes were dark and his usually neat hair was sticking up everywhere where she’d run her fingers through it. He looked a little wild and very angry.