“I need to know that you aren’t going to do this to me again,” Quinn said, her look beseeching.
Xandy pressed her lips together, tears in her eyes suddenly.
“I can’t lose you, not like that,” Quinn told her, her expression so mournful, Xandy reached up to touch Quinn’s face.
“I’m sorry,” Xandy said. “I just… everything just came down on me.”
“Can you tell me what you were thinking?” Quinn asked tenderly.
Xandy looked reflective and then said, “That I was never going to find my place here.”
“Here?”
“In this world,” Xandy said, her voice reflecting the hopelessness she must have been feeling that night.
“You thought you’d found it with me?” Quinn asked; her voice held no judgment.
“Is that stupid?”
“No, you’re still trying to find out who you are, Xan.”
“I thought I knew. But so much changed, so much happened…”
Quinn knew Xandy was talking about both the past and the present. She pinned her with a look.
“This isn’t the first time, is it?” Quinn asked sadly.
Xandy looked back at Quinn, her face reflecting first surprise, then resignation as she nodded, dropping her eyes from Quinn’s. Quinn lifted her chin back up to meet her eyes again.
“Tell me,” Quinn said simply, her eyes saying much more.
Xandy looked uncomfortable, but Quinn could see that she was trying to pull herself together.
“When I was a little kid,” Xandy said, “when things would get hard, I would run and hide in the barn. I’d sit there and wait for someone to come find me, and when they didn’t, I started to think that maybe no one really cared if I was around.” Xandy’s hand was on Quinn’s arm, her thumb rubbing over Quinn’s tattoo, her eyes unfocused as she stared straight ahead. “I think that’s where it started, but then when I came to California, I just never felt like I fit in. All the girls there are so self-involved and competitive.”
“But you were on shows and things, weren’t you?” Quinn asked, remembering that from the bio she’d read.
“Yes, but that didn’t mean any of those girls liked me, or were friends with me,” Xandy said.
Quinn nodded, waiting for Xandy to continue.
“I guess the first time I thought about just giving up,” her eyes flicked up to Quinn’s, “you know… letting go, was when my mom left to go back home.”
“She was with you when you came to LA right?”
“Yeah, she came and stayed with me for the first three years, but then it got too hard for her to be away so much, so she had to go home. I was seventeen when she left.”
Quinn nodded, imaging that must have been very hard for a very young Xandy. “So you thought about it then?”
Xandy nodded. “I just figured that it would be less worry for the people who loved me, they wouldn’t have to worry about coming to see me, or if I was okay.”
Quinn grimaced at that thought, not able to imagine believing that being dead was more favorable than being alive.
“You had to know that it would have devastated them,” Quinn said, her tone still gentle, not wanting Xandy to feel judged.
“I think I did and that’s what stopped me then.”
“But there were other times?”
Xandy nodded, breathing her breath out audibly, her look pained. “I married Tommy because I was lonely, and I thought I loved him. He didn’t scare me the way other men did sometimes… but he was so caught up in the Hollywood scene that he just didn’t seem to care that much about me. I thought there must be something wrong with me, because I’d had that trouble with other boys too. Like they couldn’t really care about me, I never felt like they did, anyway. Not like you,” she said, looking up at Quinn.
Quinn looked curious. “How do you mean? Like me? What’s different that I do?”
Xandy chewed on the inside of her lip in thought. “You just seem to sense when I need you, like you’re connected enough to me to feel my pain. Like that day at BJ’s, when you put your hand out for me to hold it, because you knew BJ terrified me. The way you protected me that day from his anger, you could have lost your job, he even threatened you with that, and you stood up against him anyway. No one’s ever done something like that for me.” She could see Quinn’s look and inserted, “And don’t say it’s because it’s your job,” she said her look narrowed, “you could have lost your job, but your job wasn’t your priority at that moment.”
“You were,” Quinn said.
Xandy nodded. “And I felt that. And that’s what I mean.”
Quinn inhaled slowly, breathing out as she nodded.
“But Tommy didn’t care about me, not even when my family was killed. I mean, he pretended like he was upset, he said all the right things, even went with me to the funeral, but… I could sense that he wasn’t really being honest. He wanted to get back to LA the next day, because he had “things going on.” The night of the funeral I locked myself in the bathroom, and I really thought that was it.”
There were tears in her eyes then, and one look at Quinn’s pained expression, and the tears spilled over. Quinn pulled her into an embrace, feeling so desperately sad for what Xandy had been through and so angry at the man who’d been so callous with her. Xandy clung to Quinn, feelings overwhelming her as she cried.
After a few minutes she calmed down, but stayed within Quinn’s arms, taking comfort from their strength.
“I took a bottle of pills that night,” she said.
Quinn closed her eyes, feeling absolutely sickened by the thought.
“Fortunately, that’s when I found out I have a strong gag reflex and threw them up not too long after,” Xandy said, shaking her head ruefully. “Tommy never even came to check on me.”
“He had to have heard you throwing up,” Quinn said, appalled.
“I’m sure he did,” Xandy said, shrugging, “he just didn’t care enough to find out why.”
“Oh Xan…” Quinn said, shaking her head. “I’m so sorry that you went through that, especially when you needed that son of a bitch most.”
Xandy took heart from Quinn’s obvious anger at the situation and she nodded. “Even so, I stayed with him. I had no one else at that point. But the sex tape thing, that was just too much.”
Quinn nodded, understanding that completely.
“When I signed on with BJ,” Xandy said, her voice changing again, becoming more serious, “I was going through the divorce with Tommy and it was getting nasty, so BJ wanted me to be protected. That’s when he brought in Jason…”
Quinn closed her eyes, knowing she wasn’t going to like what was to come.
“He was okay at first,” Xandy said, her eyes narrowing, “but after about three months, he started making comments about how he could take care of me in a way that Tommy hadn’t… you know?”
Quinn curled her lips in disgust, knowing that Jason had meant sexually. ’Cause that’s all a woman needs, right? A good fucking, she thought derisively. To Xandy she nodded that she did understand what Jason meant.
“I never really said anything, but I guess because I never outright said that I wasn’t interested, he decided I must really be.”
Quinn stared at her open mouthed for a moment. “If you don’t say no, it must mean yes?”
She knew that Navy Seals were trained to have more respect for women than that. On the other hand, for many men who were considered elite, their ego would tell them that if I woman really meant no, she’d say it, and that if she didn’t, then she just wanted to be pursued harder. She wondered if this had been the case here.
“What happened?” Quinn asked, her tone cautious because she wasn’t altogether sure she wanted to know.
“He started making a point of touching me whenever he could,” Xandy said, looking dismayed. “He’d run his hand down my arm, or touch my waist to ‘guide’ me, but would leave his hand there longer than he needed to…” she sa
id, breathing a sigh. “At first I thought I was just imagining things, but then he would try to pull me close in small areas, like elevators or waiting areas.”
“Did you ever say anything to him about it?” Quinn asked, wanting to confirm her thoughts about the guy.
“I tried to move away from him, and at first he’d let me, but then he got more insistent. But no, I didn’t know what I could say,” Xandy said, looking embarrassed.
“Xan,” Quinn said, touching her face, “it wasn’t your job to tell him to stop. He should have known better. I was just asking because I’m trying to get a read on him.”
Xandy nodded, looking relieved. Then she looked resolved, and began to talk again.
“That night,” she said, making Quinn know that she was about to hear what had really happened, “I had just gotten back to the apartment from a small show that I’d done. He always went into the apartment with me and checked it before leaving for the night. He did that as normal… but then he didn’t leave. He was telling me how great the show was, and how sexy I looked. I tried to tell him that I was really tired, and that I’d see him the next day, but he wasn’t listening. Then he said that he thought he and I would be good together. I asked him what he meant, and he said ‘let me show you.’ That’s when he grabbed me kissing me. I tried to shove him away, but he was so strong, I couldn’t budge him. He had his hands all over me,” she said, looking sick now. “I couldn’t make him stop…”
Quinn clenched her teeth, desperately trying to hold onto the anger that wanted to explode. The guy wasn’t there, and Xandy didn’t deserve to deal with Quinn’s impotent fury.
Xandy could see the fury in Quinn’s eyes; part of her was grateful for it, but the other part was a bit afraid and she shrunk back from Quinn a little.
“Babe,” Quinn said. The fury was instantly replaced with a mortified look, as the idea that she’d just scared this girl ripped through her.
She resisted the urge to grab Xandy, knowing that would be doing exactly as Jason had, and she wasn’t about to do that.
Instead her voice was deeply apologetic and endlessly tender as she said, “I’m sorry, I’m not mad at you… please…” Her eyes begged Xandy to understand.
Xandy drew her breath in, unable to be afraid of someone that was willing to treat her so carefully and with so much concern.
“I know, I just… I guess I reacted to that look in your eyes,” Xandy said, smiling softly as she moved closer to Quinn, her hand curling around Quinn’s hand.
“I’ll tell ya though, I could just fucking kill that guy and I’m hoping I get the chance,” Quinn said, her look backing that statement up completely. Then her look softened. “You know that none of that was your fault, right?”
Xandy looked doubtful. “I could have told him I wasn’t interested a lot sooner.”
“No,” Quinn said, regretting that she’d asked the question earlier on, thinking that it might have made Xandy think that she thought that too. “That man was trained and conditioned to control his emotions, he was trained to respect those that he protected. He broke his promise to protect you, and that’s on him, not you.”
Xandy looked back at her, considering, finally she nodded, accepting what Quinn was telling her.
“That’s what you were afraid of, wasn’t it?” Xandy asked then. “That you were breaking your promise to protect me.”
Quinn nodded, her look sorrowful. “That didn’t work out so well.”
“What didn’t?” Xandy asked, confused.
“Protecting you,” Quinn whispered.
“You saved my life, Quinn, I know what I did was going to kill me,” she said, her tone sure. “I knew exactly where to cut to cause the most blood loss…”
Quinn pulled her head back, a grimace on her face, like she couldn’t handle what she was hearing. It was true, she was having a really hard time hearing it, but she knew Xandy needed to say it. She felt Xandy’s hand on her cheek, and looked down at the girl.
“If you hadn’t come to the door when you did, I would have finished the job,” Xandy said, her voice soft, but strong. “If you hadn’t kicked that door in, and stopped me,” she said, reaching for Quinn’s still bandaged hand, pained at the memory.
She had finally remembered what Quinn had done that night to cause the cut to her hand; slapping the razor out of Xandy’s hand. She remembered Quinn screaming her name. She remembered the blade being slapped from her hand, and hearing Quinn yell, “Fucking son of a bitch!” and thinking hazily that Quinn’s ma would be mad at her for saying “fuck.” She also remembered Quinn’s voice telling her to stay with her. It had been that plea that had made Xandy think that maybe she’d made a mistake, but it had been too late then and the world seemed to be fading in and out. The last thing she heard was Quinn yelling at the dispatcher.
“I would have been dead. You had no way of knowing about my past, my thoughts… I’ve never told anyone about any of that. There was no way to know…”
She paused, watching Quinn’s reaction.
“Please, Quinn,” Xandy said, seeing that Quinn clearly still felt like she’d caused Xandy’s suicide attempt. She reached up to touch Quinn’s face. “You have to know that the only reason I’m still here is because of you and not just because you stopped me, but because you asked me to stay with you…” Her voice trailed off as her eyes searched Quinn’s. “I wanted to stay with you.”
“I’m glad you did,” Quinn replied, her voice so heartfelt that it brought tears to Xandy’s eyes again.
Quinn leaned in, kissing Xandy again, her lips were so tender, with just a note of the heat that they’d both experienced that night they’d first kissed.
They ended up falling asleep facing each other, Quinn’s arms wrapped tightly around Xandy.
Chapter 6
Quinn woke the next morning as the sun shone into the room, hitting her square in the eye. Glancing down, she saw that Xandy was still asleep. Moving carefully, so as not to disturb her, Quinn got up. She was wearing her usual sleeping attire, sweat pants and a tank top. She pulled on a sweat jacket and put on some tennis shoes. Grabbing her cigarettes, she walked downstairs. Glancing at the clock on the wall, she saw that it was only six o’clock Belfast time. She knew she’d only slept for about four hours, but it didn’t matter, she’d gotten Xandy to talk to her about her state of mind. That was definitely worth a few hours of lost sleep. Her mother, the saint that she was, had coffee made already. Quinn poured herself a cup.
She made her way to her parents’ conservatory; a sun room enclosed with glass, with windows open to the morning air. Sitting down on one of the wicker couches, she pulled out a cigarette, still sipping at her coffee. Lighting her cigarette was made difficult by the bandage on her hand and the stiffness of the stitched cut underneath. She finally managed it and leaned back and inhaled deeply. She listened to the sound of the ocean and breathed in the salty air.
It always felt good to come home, she always felt at peace there. Having Xandy there to share it seemed to make it even more enchanted than it had always been to her. Quinn knew that Xandy would appreciate Northern Ireland, and that she would see Belfast, the way that Quinn had always seen it and loved it.
Bryan Kavanaugh stood just inside the house watching his daughter for a few minutes. He saw the fond smile she made and the way she inhaled the morning air deeply, looking blissfully happy. Quinn had always been his wild child, but she had also always been one of his most respectful children, and he loved her endlessly. Knowing her as he did, he knew that the moment he opened the sunroom door she would sense it, and so he’d wanted to observe her before she knew she was being observed.
Brann had told him that Quinn had brought home a young lady. She also told him that while Quinn claimed the girl was only a friend, she’d seen something different in their daughter’s eyes and that she thought this girl was far from just a friend. Seeing Quinn’s serene expression, Bryan tended to agree with his wife’s assessment.
He stepp
ed out into the sunroom, carrying his own coffee.
“And there she is…” he said affectionately.
“Da!” Quinn said, getting up immediately and setting her cigarette and coffee aside, so she could reach up and hug him.
“Mar a tha mo nighean?” he queried, asking, “how is my daughter?” in Gaelic, always testing his children to ensure they remembered their native language.
“Tha mi mòr athair,” Quinn responded, saying, “I’m great Dad.”
“That’s grand, lovey,” Bryan replied, smiling down at his daughter, and gesturing for her to sit again.
He took a seat across from her, assessing her as he sipped his coffee.
“How’s it happening in the west?” he asked Quinn then.
Quinn nodded, as she took another drag on her cigarette. “Good, da, fine.”
“What happened to yer hand?” Bryan asked, gesturing to the bandage.
“Got cut,” Quinn answered simply, “it’s fine though. How is work going?” she asked, wanting to steer the conversation away from her being hurt on the job; it always worried her parents. “Ma said you were late last night with exams?”
Bryan knew full well he was being led away from the topic, so he made a note to ask further questions later. “Aye, they’re a sight, I’ll tell ya.”
Quinn nodded, grinning.
“So your ma tells me you brought a girl home with ya,” Bryan said, his eyes belying the casual tone.
Quinn grinned unrepentantly, knowing it had been the first thing her father had wanted to ask, but he’d waited.
“Yes, I did,” Quinn said, smiling broadly.
“Your ma said you told her she was only a friend, but it’s clear from the sun on your dial there that she’s more than that.”
Quinn grinned at her father’s use of the word “dial,” meaning her face, he was forever picking up slang from his students.
She inclined her head. “She is, yes.”
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