The problem was what did he do now? Even if he had not killed whatever love Katerina may have felt for him, he had definitely killed her trust and faith in him. Lucas was not confident that he had the skills to repair that wound. A blunt but simple apology would certainly not do it.
Groveling might help, he thought wryly. At the moment, with every deep, fierce emotion he had felt for her a year ago swamping his heart and mind, released from the prison he had forced them into, Lucas suspected he might actually be able to grovel quite abjectly. He knew himself too well, however, to believe that he would really be able to do it. By the time he reached her side again pride would have reared its head and would prevent him from doing so. Knowing that he was wrong did not mean he would admit to it easily.
Lucas carefully stood up and began to wind his way through the passages that would lead him back to the hall hidden so well in the caves. He knew he had to have Katerina back. He had known it from the beginning but until now, that need had only fed his anger at her. His mistrust of her had made him see that need as a curse, a weakness that could get him killed. In fact, if Katerina wanted him dead now, he would not blame her at all.
Idly rubbing his leg, the damp in the passages causing it to ache, Lucas suddenly cursed. He stopped and dragged his hand through his hair. What could he be thinking of? Katerina would not want him now. He was scarred and maimed. There was no ignoring the awkwardness he suffered all too often because of the stiffness in his shattered leg. Katerina deserved a man firm of limb and unmarred.
A heartbeat later, Lucas decided he was being a coward, perhaps even making excuses so that he did not have to face her or admit his wrongs. He all too easily recalled how she had looked at him that first night after rescuing him from Ranald and his men. There was no disputing the joy that had brightened her eyes just before he had snuffed it out with his baseless accusations. She had spoken of grieving for him and he winced to recall how he had scorned her claim. Even more important, she had already included him in several of her forays against Agnes and Ranald and that strongly implied that she at least trusted him to successfully carry out his part in such actions. He had to trust in those indications that he had some chance of winning her back, small though that chance might be.
“Admit it, fool,” he muttered as he started on his way again, “if only to yourself. Ye dinnae have any choice but to try and mend things a-tween ye and Kat. Ye havenae truly been alive since ye lost her. Swallow your cursed pride and take your chances.”
Katerina also had her own scars, he thought as he cautiously entered the storerooms. He hated to think of all the pain she must have suffered, but it might mean that she would be far less concerned with his scars than many another woman. It was a small thing, but it gave him some hope. Once in the passage that led away from the keep, he moved more quickly, suddenly eager to get to Katerina.
Wincing, Katerina struggled to sit up on her own. By the time she accomplished that simple task she was so weak she fell against the pillows at her back and had to struggle to ease her rapid breathing. She was also bathed in sweat and wished she could reach the bowl of water and cloth Annie had set down on the chest near the bed. There would be no swift recovery from this wound.
Worse, she was bored. Even trapped into hiding from her enemies, she had still found a lot to keep her busy. Lying in a bed, too weak to do much of anything but think, was sure to make her insane in a very short time. She doubted she could even play a game of chess at the moment for her hands shook. Katerina cursed and looked around, wondering if she could call someone in to keep her company. She had a few books she had slipped out of Dunlochan and someone could read to her, she mused, and then cursed again. Katerina could not believe she had been reduced to this.
A noise at the doorway drew her attention and she tensed as Lucas entered the room. He looked so good to her that she nearly shouted at him to go away, even as she wondered why he was wearing such dark clothing. Katerina inwardly sighed. Her emotions might be in such a tangle that too much time with Lucas could be dangerous, but she was too hungry for company to care very much.
“Bored already, are ye?” he asked as he stopped by the edge of her bed.
“More than words can say.”
“Ye are looking verra flushed.” He touched her forehead and his brows went up at the sweat he found there. “Ye havenae gotten out of bed, have ye?”
“Nay, I merely tried to sit up all by myself. I am as weak as a newborn.”
“Ye will be for a few more days.” He moved to the bowl of water Annie had left and wrung out the cloth. “Ye must take care to move verra little and verra slowly,” he said as he gently bathed her face. “I dinnae think ye can open your wounds, but the fever could easily return if ye allow yourself to get too tired. It nearly took ye twice. It wouldnae be wise to invite it back.”
“Are ye saying that I nearly died twice?”
“Aye.” Lucas did not even want to think about those harrowing hours where he had fought to keep her alive, let alone talk about them. “Ye arenae as strong as ye used to be, I think, and it was a hard struggle for ye to fight off the fever.”
Katerina knew it was foolish to be so alarmed by that news, but she was. She had given little thought to how sick she might have been, had simply acknowledged that she had had a fever brought on by her wound. Now that she thought about it Annie had alluded to such a thing, but she had failed to fully understand. It was a little terrifying to realize how close death had come to her.
“Now ye look too pale,” he grumbled as he tossed the cloth back into the bowl.
“Weel, ye just told me I almost died twice.”
“But ye didnae die, so why fret o’er it. Just keep it in mind and take care of yourself. Rest and dinnae try to do too much too soon.”
The fear of taking another fever and failing to fight it off would certainly make her be careful, Katerina mused. She knew herself too well, however, to believe it would work for very long. It was something she would have to remind herself of from time to time, when the tedium of lying in bed for hours became too much to bear. Perhaps if she arranged a tight schedule of care and attention it would help. Whenever she got so crazed with boredom she was tempted to do too much, she could ease that feeling with the sure knowledge that someone would soon come to read to her, or play chess, or help her get clean.
“Kat?”
She blinked as his voice yanked her back from making all her plans. “What?”
“Where did ye just go?”
“Oh, I was thinking of the ways I might be able to stop myself from doing anything foolish.”
“And what did ye think of?”
“I need to arrange a verra tight schedule of care and companionship.”
“And ye think that will help?”
“Oh, aye. When the boredom makes me want to pull out my hair, I can remind myself that in but a few minutes William will come to play chess with me or Annie will come to wash my hair. Such as that.” She shrugged. “It might help.”
“It will help a lot. It did for me when I was trapped in a bed for mondis. I had so many kin ready to fall in with my plans that there were actually moments when I wished I could have some time alone.”
It was the first time he had referred to the time he had spent healing from his many injuries. Katerina was a little surprised. What surprised her even more was that there was no hint of accusation or anger in his voice or his expression. She desperately wanted to ask him to tell her more about how he had saved himself and how he had recovered so well, but she was afraid such a conversation would ruin the tentative truce they seemed to be enjoying.
Lucas watched the expressions dance across her lovely face and almost smiled. Katerina was quick of wit. She was already sensing a change in his attitude and was puzzled. He wondered if that would be enough, and inwardly grimaced. He knew he owed her an enormous apology, and had planned to give her one immediately, but the words were stuck in his throat. It might work just as well if he showe
d her he had changed, made it clear by his actions that he no longer thought her a threat to him. It was the coward’s way out, but he was willing to try it for a while, if only to save himself from the humiliation of openly declaring himself an utter idiot.
“Ye like to play chess?” he asked.
“Aye, but I am so weak my hands are trembling a wee bit and I wouldnae be able to handle the pieces weel,” she said.
“Ye could just tell me what move ye wish to make and let me move the piece for ye.” He glanced at the small pile of books set neatly in a basket in the corner. “Or I could read to ye for a while.”
It was sad how thrilled she was by his offer, she decided, and almost smiled. “Read to me, I think. I would like that I dinnae believe I have the strength to think my way through an entire game of chess and I would like to at least give ye a good game.”
“Which book?” he asked as he went to the basket and began to look through the books.
“It doesnae matter. Whichever one ye feel inclined to read. I have the feeling I willnae be able to stay awake for too long.”
Lucas picked out a book of songs and poetry, deciding the shorter tales told by the words of the troubadours, the old songs would be best He sat in the chair next to the bed and began to read. The faint smile that appeared on her face cheered him for he knew he had chosen the right book. It held far too many flowery sentiments for his liking, but it obviously made her happy and that was the most important thing right now.
It was not long before Katerina’s eyes were closed. Lucas watched her as he continued to read, but her eyelids did not even flutter open once and he finally set the book aside. He leaned forward and lightly stroked her cheek with his fingers, fighting the urge to sigh like some foolish boy caught tight in the throes of his first infatuation. Katerina was beautiful, of that there was no question, but it was far more than that that had drawn him to her and he could not believe he had forgotten it. She was strong, compassionate, loyal, and had a quick, sharp wit.
In fact, she had been and still was everything he had ever wanted in a woman. Despite her innocence, even her passion was strong, matching his own in a way that kept him hungry for her all the time. Now that he knew the truth, Lucas could not understand how he could ever have doubted her. He was very glad he had never voiced his suspicions to his family. It had been pride that had kept him silent about his belief that he had been betrayed by the very woman he had wanted to make his wife. He had not wanted any of his kin to realize what an utter fool he had been. He had kept his grief over her loss and the hurt she had dealt a secret as well, although he suspected a few scraps of that had escaped when he had been fevered. No one had questioned it, however. At least he did not have to explain to his kin why he was now pursuing a woman he had claimed was the one who had ordered the beating he had suffered.
Standing up, Lucas stretched, his muscles stiff from all the creeping through damp passages he had just indulged in. He leaned over and brushed his mouth over Katerina’s forehead. When she murmured softly he moved his mouth down to hers. Even caught fast in the beginnings of sleep she responded to his kiss, her lips warm and welcoming, and her tongue lazily toying with his when he eased it into her mouth. He forced himself to pull away before need and temptation made him attempt to take advantage of her.
Lightly stroking her hair, he wondered if he would ever find the words to apologize for the great wrong he had done her. What could he say? My pardon for thinking ye are a murderess, a woman who would kill a mon because he smiled at another. It was not enough. Lucas was not sure any apology, no matter how elegant, would ever be enough, but that would not stop him from trying to win her back.
Hearing a soft rustle of skirts, he looked to find Annie standing in the doorway. He smiled faintly and waved her over to the bed. Although he was reluctant to leave Katerina, Lucas knew it would be best to leave her in Annie’s capable hands for a while. He needed to think, to plan his campaign to bring Katerina back into his arms, and he could not do that successfully when his attention was fully taken up with Katerina, even if it was only to watch her sleep.
“She has just gone to sleep,” he said quietly as Annie stepped up beside him.
“There isnae any sign of the fever returning, is there?” asked Annie.
“Nay, and I dinnae think it will return if she takes good care of herself.”
“I cannae believe we almost lost her. She has always seemed so strong, so verra alive.”
“She is both, but I am thinking that living in these caves for a year hasnae been verra good for her, and, nay matter how comfortable she has made them, there isnae all the food or warmth she was accustomed to before this.”
Annie nodded. “Aye, and she isnae all that long recovered from all the wounds and the fever she suffered after that bastard threw her into the loch.”
“Nay, she isnae.” Thinking of all the scars Katerina carried, Lucas was astonished that she had recovered as well as she had. “So, we must be sure that she nay only takes care to rest but that she isnae allowed to get too bored and fretful.”
“I ken it. She could try to get up or do something else that would cause her harm. I mean to keep her verra busy and try nay to leave her alone too much.”
“Exactly what she and I were discussing ere my reading sent her to sleep. Just a week more. Then I feel sure she will be strong enough to get up and e’en allow herself to get tired without having to go right to bed. I shall leave ye to it, then.” He started toward the door. “And dinnae fret if ye feel the need to rest a wee bit yourself. Katerina is recovered enough to call if she needs help or feels the fever catching her in its grip again.”
Lucas headed for the hall. He needed to talk to William about some of the things he had overheard. He would not tell the man everything if only because he doubted he could stand William’s gloating when it became obvious that he had heard the full truth about the beating and the attempt to kill him. What the vicious pair he had just listened to said about their plans for now and in the future was all the man needed to know. That and the location of the passage within the walls next to Agnes’s solar. They now had a chance to learn all of Ranald and Agnes’s plans and Lucas intended to take full advantage of it.
Katerina slowly opened her eyes and looked to the side of the bed. She was annoyed at how disappointed she felt when she saw Annie there sewing a shirt for Thomas and not Lucas. She touched her lips, not sure if the kiss she had felt was a dream or had really happened, but the warmth of it lingered. Shaking aside such useless puzzles, she began to sit up, immediately drawing Annie’s attention.
“Nay, Annie, let me try this myself,” she said as the woman put down her sewing and moved to help her. “It isnae such a great thing yet I believe ’tis one small, harmless way to start to regain some of the strength I have lost.”
“Aye, I suspicion it is. Do ye want something to drink?”
Realizing that all her effort to sit up on her own had been wasted because she was going to have to have Annie help her with her personal needs, Katerina softly cursed. “After I make room for it.” She grimaced as Annie took her by the arm and carefully helped her out of the bed. “I hate this.”
“I ken it, but it willnae be so verra long ere ye can do this much for yourself as weel.”
Katerina hoped the woman was right because the more she healed the more embarrassing she found the need to have such help. By the time Annie got her back into bed, she needed to have the fine sheen of sweat bathed from her skin. Despite her embarrassment, however, she did feel much better by the time it was done. She gratefully accepted Annie’s help in drinking some mead, yet again strengthened with some herbs, for her hands were shaking slightly again. Once that was done, Katerina rested against the pillows Annie plumped up behind her back and realized that, although she was tired, she was not really ready to go to sleep again.
Her thoughts immediately went to Lucas. There had been something different about him when he had visited her earlier. The anger
in him seemed to have disappeared. He was almost like the Lucas she had fallen in love with a year ago. What Katerina could not puzzle out was why there was a change in him or how long that change would last. Was it just because he had been too weary to be angry, or had he finally begun to reconsider his accusations against her?
“I dinnae understand men at all,” she muttered.
Annie smiled as she sat down and began to work on the shirt again. “I dinnae think many women do, but then men dinnae much understand women.”
That seems a verra strange way for things to work.”
“It does, doesnae it, but mayhap ’tis arranged that way so that those who wed will ne’er truly bore each other. Why are ye troubled about that now?”
For a moment Katerina said nothing, not sure she wished to share such troubles with the woman, but then she sighed. She had no one else to share them with and it would probably help to have someone to thrash it all out with. Another woman’s point of view might even help to ease some of the confusion gripping her so tightly at the moment.
“Sir Murray was acting verra different when he was here earlier.”
“Different? In what way?”
“Kinder. There wasnae the anger in him that he has carried about since he arrived.”
“Ah, that anger. Mayhap he had finally thought things through most carefully and decided ye are nay the threat to him that he thought ye were, that ye are innocent of what he accused ye of.”
“I wondered on that but why should he have changed his mind?”
“Because all of us who ken ye weel tell him he is wrong.”
“And when has that e’er mattered to a mon?”
Annie laughed softly. “True. Sadly true. I cannae say, m’lady. Mayhap he has learned something, heard something from someone he cannae dismiss as just your friend or kinsmon.”
“But where would he have heard anything?”
Annie shrugged. “I dinnae ken. The men dinnae tell me all that much about the battle with Ranald and Agnes. When they do talk to me, ’tis about what they heard concerning the people in the village or the like. If anyone would ken if Sir Lucas had heard something important, or where he has been that he might have heard something important, William would. ’Tis verra clear to everyone that Sir Lucas treats William as your second-in-command.”
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