by Diana Rubino
“Has he introduced you?”
He shook his head. “No.”
“Do you know her name?”
No again.
“Is she pretty?” Why I wanted to know this, I could not say. Mayhap to give me a reason to resent her if she was pretty, or to deride him if she wasn't.
“Not at all.” A sneer curled his lips. “She couldn't hold a candle to you if the candle had twenty wicks. And I believe she's on in years. She certainly looks it.”
He sat back and raised his brows, awaiting my reaction. But I had naught to react to. “Tisn't exactly a punch to the stomach, Jacob.” The words “so be it” sat on my tongue. Of course this changed the upshot of our marriage. James knew about my liaison with Alex, but my knowing about James's affair made it fair game on both sides. “He never told me,” was a lame reply, but I had nothing more forceful to say.
“Why would he?” came Jacob's obvious answer. “But now that you know, you can—” He shrugged to suffice for the obvious words.
“Use it against him in a divorce?” I shook my head. “That is not my nature.”
“Why are you so forgiving?” He sat forward, raised his hands and let them fall into his lap. “A wife who's been betrayed would fetch the cleaver and hack off his nether parts.”
“I don't know why I'm so forgiving.” Would I have been as forgiving hadn't I fallen in love with Alex? “I still love James, but not enough to be jealous. I no longer love him the way I once did. We've grown apart, and only live under the same roof because we're accustomed to each other. But I don't seek out his company, nor does he mine. That is the truth.”
“Is it over then?” he asked, a bit too eagerly.
I looked him in the eye. “What if I said yes?”
His gaze intensified. “Then I'd ask you to divorce him so that you can marry me.”
I looked away. “I cannot marry you, Jacob.”
“Why not?”
Because I'm in love with Alexander Hamilton and want him to marry me, was the answer, of course. “I'm not ready to marry again. I shall let you know if ever I am. But please, do not wait for me.” I couldn't do to him what Alex was doing to me, declaring his love whilst unable to leave his wife “at this time.”
“But do you love me?” His voice shook, as if dreading my answer.
“Yes, Jacob, but not—I'm not—” I faltered, at a loss for words.
“Not ready.” He rescued me before I sputtered any more. “I understand that, and respect your wishes. No more on the subject.” He stood and held my hands as if dancing a minuet. “But I want to make you forget both these men.”
He needn't say another word. He already knew I loved Alex. But make me forget him? Never.
Chapter Thirty-One
Severus
I sat alone at my small but functional dining table, head in hands. I shook, my teeth chattered, my head ached. My thoughts, usually so clear, assaulted me, a jumble of unfamiliar patterns and sensations.
How, I asked myself, have I allowed that woman to inveigle herself so far and so deep into my mind?
In truth, no one had ever been able to 'read' me as Elizabeth Hamilton could. In her presence, my mind became an open book, as though she only need look at me to read my innermost thoughts. Could she see even deeper, into the darkest recesses of my soul, where my most fearful and basest thoughts lay dormant until the need arose for satisfaction? If she ever found that deep dark place within my private self, what would I do? Kill her? No. I'd come to care for her in a way previously alien to me. If she ever confronted me with those thoughts, even though it would cost me dear, I would have only one option, and that I didn't dare contemplate.
A bottle of brandy stood upon the table, a single glass beside it. By the time I slumped forward, my head uncomfortably resting on my hands, the bottle stood empty…
Chapter Thirty-Two
Maria
Jacob and I savored a midday meal of roast duckling, red potatoes and asparagus tips. We lingered over chocolate pudding topped with whipped cream, and a savory blend of Colombian and Brazilian coffee beans. He then insisted I play some of our favorite Bach and Mozart pieces on his wife's Stradivari violin. An intense chess match followed, with some lively discourse about who President Washington's successor should be. We settled on John Adams, the most likely candidate anyway. We got along so well, I wished we'd find something to disagree about.
At dusk, Jacob helped me into one of his carriages with two matched grays. As I pulled my heavy wool skirts inside after me, he offered use of the conveyance for as long as I wished. Too embarrassed to tell him we could ill afford the feed, I promised I'd send the carriage straight back. Whilst holding the door, he gave me a heartfelt kiss—as heartfelt as the freezing day allowed us—and saw me off.
When I arrived home, candles glowed in our front windows and all our wall torches blazed. James sat at his desk adding up a column of numbers with his Stanhope adding machine, a block of wood with several dials built into it.
He looked up and rubbed his eyes. “Where you bin to?”
I dragged one of the Chippendale chairs over to him and sat rigidly, too shaky to relax. I knew this moment had to come but hadn't prepared myself emotionally. I fought back tears as our eyes met. “James…”
He leant forward and squeezed my hand, as if telling me it was all right to say it. “It is time for the truth. I was with Jacob. I was lonely, hence I went to him. We played chess, talked, had a meal.”
“Then why the tears? He didna like yur perfume?”
“No, tis not about him.” I shook my head. “He told me you have a mistress.”
James huffed and tossed his head. “He must'a had a good reason to tell you that. I canna see it popping up in conversation about where to buy girdles.”
“He told me because—because I told him—oh, James…” My voice quivered as tears spilled from my eyes. “I confided in him about you and me, how I feel. We both know our marriage hasn't been thriving. We have separate lives, separate lov—” I halted before I rambled farther about that. “What we had is no longer there. You know that.”
“It ain't?” He truly had no idea how I felt or how things had changed. I considered forgetting the entire thing, especially when he wiped the tears from my cheeks with his most gentle touch ever. “Why are you crying, love?”
“I was going to tell you—” I took in a ragged breath. “Since I became involved with Alex and learnt you have a mistress, things haven't been the same. You don't love me any more, do you? Could you, after what's happened?”
He gathered me in his arms. “Of course I still love you. I wouldna be here if I didn't. I know we havena bin—ye know—together in a while.”
As he held me I let the familiar warmth of his embrace stir me as it always did. Next thing I knew, my mouth claimed his and we pressed the lengths of our bodies together. A surge of desire went through me. We broke our kiss and I whispered, “But we always—” I looked at him. As our eyes met, I felt that familiar spark rush through me.
“Always could git our bed rockin'.” He cocked his brow and I began to burn from the undeniable fire that still simmered between us.
“Despite all your shortcomings, you can always get me where you want me, you cad.” I sought his lips again and we shared a warm kiss that sent another surge of arousal through me.
“There's naught comin' up short here.” He guided my hand down to his crotch. “How 'bout giving this button-popper a ride.”
Within three panting breaths we reached the sofa, shucking off our clothes. As we coupled, my cries of ecstasy, lust, and yes—love—the kind that no mistress of his could give him—sounded in concert with the chimes of his new case clock.
By the time he'd poured each of us a glass of wine, he looked at me as if expecting me to continue talking. “Now, you were saying before you had yur way with me—” He forced a smile. “Say it.”
I took a deep breath. “James, I cannot let another minute go by. I need to get t
his into the open. I've developed strong romantic feelings for Alexander Hamilton. You have a mistress and—”
“And?” He urged me on, leaving it all up to me.
I wet my lips. “And I believe the best thing would be to divorce. Adultery is the most common charge, and we both committed it. We've broken our vows. They mean naught anymore.”
He leant back and crossed his ankle over his knee. At least one of us was relaxed. “Never mind you charging me or me charging you. Looks like we're even, lass. I dinna care to fill lawyers' pockets hurling charges at each other.”
“All I'm saying is we've both been unfaithful.” I tugged at my sleeves.
He searched the kitchen and I knew he was looking for something to drink. “I expect you'll hire yur Hamilton to lawyer this?”
The sound of his name stabbed my heart. “No.” I shook my head. “I cannot do business with him. I know not if we'll even see each other again.”
“Why not?” He grabbed the whisky bottle on the table. Though money stayed out of his reach at times, a bottle never was.
I twisted my bottom button blouse till it hung by a thread. “I believe he's lost interest. Since the congressmen now know about me and him, he doesn't seem to want to associate with me any further.”
He took a swig from the bottle and wiped his mouth. “Well, if tis sympathy you want, you're crying inna the wrong grog. He's bin a prat to me. Having me arrested, getting those politicians involved. I dinna need that aggravation. I never liked him anyway. Puffed-up superficial mimic. And a chump to boot. Paying me all that money. He's thick as two short planks.” Head tilted back, he emptied the bottle down his gullet.
“Then tis settled.” I'd calmed enough. The worst of it was over. “I shan't contest it, or whatever you call it.”
“Not that I have a fortune you can take me for.” With his slight grin came the dimple in his left cheek—the dimple I once loved to kiss.
“I don't want your money, James.”
We sat in silence for a moment, the words we'd spoken hanging in the air between us. Emotions clogged me like a stopped drain: relief, sadness, longing for Alex, fondness for Jacob, lingering love for James.
One of us needed to say something about where to go from here. “I'm going to New York to visit Susannah. She's birthing her twins soon,” I said.
“Have a grand time.” He stared into the distance, and I reckoned he was calculating how much this divorce would cost him. The adding machine would be busy afore long.
Our eyes met once again. “I don't want to know her name, but what is she like? Is she pretty?” I hadn't put much stock in what Jacob had said. “I want to hear it from you.”
“Not unless she tarts herself up. She's a good tumble and kin drink me under any table in Philly. We share the same ribald humour. Tis fun, naught moore. A bit of fun.” He tossed his head in a “so what?” gesture, but didn't smile.
“Do you love her?” I probed, dreading the answer, but my curiosity got the best of me.
He shook his head and a strange gladness washed over me. “Nay, canna say I do. Never thought about it till you asked.”
“Are you going to marry her now?” Why did I need to know all this? Because I still cared about James and always would. “I no longer want to be your wife, but I want you to be happy—with whoever.”
“Nay. We have huge rows when we're pissed, then make amends when we're sober. Many's the eve I quit her bed and dinna want to see her for nigh on anutherr fortnight.” He toyed with a spoon on the table.
I still wanted Alex to leave his empty marriage and propose to me, but James would always be my husband in a certain way. I stood with wobbly knees. “I'm physically and emotionally drained. Very well then, I shall hire Mr. Burr for the divorce. I'll write and arrange an appointment.”
He stood and opened his arms to me. “C'mere, love.” I stepped into his embrace. He brought my lips to his and kissed me lovingly and thoroughly.
Exhausted from our lovemaking and our decision, we ended the kiss and relaxed our embrace.
“I wouldn'a set Hamilton up had I known you'd fall for him that hard,” he said.
I did not want to think about Alex now. “Tis too late now, James. But I must move on. Going to New York will help. I need a change of scenery.”
“Has he given you any more compensation?” His question lacked his past enthusiasm about Alex giving me money.
“No. I never asked and he stopped offering.” I'd considered that a leap in our bond together, but I didn't tell James this.
“Just as well.” He scowled. “I shite on his stinking money.”
“But not enough to give it back,” I countered.
“We earned it. Now tis over and we must move on.” He gave a dismissive wave.
“I'm glad you see it that way.” I needed share my feelings with him. “I've felt lost for some time now, James. I might feel like I belong in New York once again, back home where I came from. I may even stay there.”
“Mayhap you're better that way, lass.” He ran his fingers through my hair and kissed the top of my head, as if he knew he'd never touch me like this again. “And of coorse Hamilton will return to New York when he finishes his treasury term. He'll have a go at the Senate, I expect, in preparation for a bid for the presidency.”
“Alex said he does not aspire to the presidency. He'd be happy as a lawyer and running his manufacturing towns.” A profound loss trounced, knowing I'd never share that part of his life.
James glanced at the clock. “I need go out for a while. But I'll be home in time fur supper.”
My heart lightened. “That will be so nice. We haven't supped together in ages. I look forward to sharing a meal. Mayhap we can even have a few laughs over some of those Republican boot lickers.”
“Tell Maggs to make a roast or—something nice. Ah'll fetch some wine and sweets.” Then he did something he hadn't done since we were first married—he kissed me goodbye at the door and tweaked my nose. “See ya, love.”
I sat down to write to Aaron Burr. When I finished, I wrote to Alex and poured my heart out.
I posted the letter to Burr and tore the letter to Alex into pieces.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Eliza
Monday eve, March 6th
To-day I called on Maria Reynolds to offer my assistance with wedding preparations. I knew she was not yet divorced, but she hadn't many lady friends. I wanted to help her any way I could.
I knocked on their door. Maria did not answer. Her husband did.
“Why, Mrs. Hamilton!” His brown eyes lit up to a golden hazel. His smile brightened the entire entryway. “To what end do you bestow the honor of yur beauteous presence upon me? I canna trot the wife out, as she's currently not in residence. But please do enter our humble abode nonetheless.” He held out his arm, stepping aside, bowing to me as if royalty.
“No, I can call another time…” I couldn't help it, but his undeniable charm and politeness drew me in. Besides, I was curious to see how Maria had decorated their latest dwelling.
“Be still my heart, as you grace my doorstep.” He dressed ever so fashionable: fine linen shirt, velvet fawn britches tailored to his solid physique, polished shoes. He smelt clean and freshly washed…and behaved even more gentlemanly than my Dr. Black.
He summoned his servant, “Maggs,” a pale Irish girl. She fussed about, curtseying and fluffing my chair cushion. She served me whisky in a cut crystal glass the likes I'd seen only at the Washingtons.
“Thank you kindly, Maggs. You may take the remainder of the day and eve free,” James addressed his servant as politely and respectfully as he did me.
He clinked his glass to mine and remained standing till I was comfortably seated. Impressed with Maria's talent for décor, I calculated the cost of the elegant furnishings and draperies.
“The lady of the castle is out gift shopping fur her family in New York, where she plans to travel,” James said. “Her sister is birthing twins within the for
tnight.”
“Oh, how nice. I have several nieces and nephews as well.” Anxious to dispense with the small talk, yet not knowing what we'd discuss afterward, I noticed how neatly the queue captured his thick chestnut hair. I surmised he shunned wigs. But unlike Alex, his abundant crown needn't be covered in one.
I now knew what had attracted Maria to his essence, his person. He exuded utter charm, if naught else. The word 'charisma', new to our language, came to me. If he could bottle and sell it, he'd never need engage in another scheme.
“Then she's off to see Attorney Burr.” He left it at that.
I muttered “Oh,” as I took a too-big sip. What to say? I was sorry? Congratulations?
But he saved the moment. “I suppose you've heard.”
“Yes, and I did ask Alex to offer his legal services, but I suppose his workload proved too heavy…” I noticed his lips curl at the mention of Alex's name. Mayhap they were closer friends than Alex had let on. “I came to see if Maria needed my help in wedding preparation.”
“Wedding?” His thick brows knitted, a crease forming twixt them. Noticing all this, I knew I was sitting way too close. I leant back.
“Uh—yes, I—” I stammered. “She and Jacob Clingman, he proposed to her in my parlour. I'm so sorry, James, I thought you knew—” I hid behind the glass and took another gulp.
“Oh, that!” He slapped his knee with a hearty guffaw. He cleared his throat and shook his head. “That was no true proposal. She has no interest in Jake, nor he in her. I thought she'd have told you by now. Twas only a ruse so you wouldn't know about the affair.”
My body stiffened. My heart stopped. The blood drained from my face. I cringed, beyond mortification. I began to sweat profusely. Desperate to wipe my brow, I kept my hands delicately circled round the glass. “W—what affair?”
James leant forward and set his glass on the table. His eyes bored into me as he bit his lip. I guessed this was the first time in his life that words eluded him. “Mrs. Hamilton—Elizabeth—do you not know by now? Yur husband and my wife. For the love of God, if you dinna know by now, you should.”