by Kaylee Ryan
I lie awake far longer than I should, enjoying the feel of her in my arms. I let my mind wander to what Aaron would think if he knew what I was doing right this minute. If he knew I was holding her tight in my arms. If he knew what I was thinking, I’m sure he would kick my ass. She’s his little sister and my other best friend, and . . . more. I want her to be a hell of a lot more.
If only things were different.
I place a kiss on her shoulder and allow sleep to claim me, enjoying this moment of falling asleep with her tucked close.
If feels like only minutes pass, when I’m woken by the soft whimpers of my baby girl. Reluctantly, I release the hold I have on Kinley to reach over and turn off the monitor, making a mental note to turn it back on later. I don’t want it to wake her. Slowly, I climb out of bed and make my way toward Lexi. I stop when I reach the door and turn back to look at my bed. McKinley is so peaceful, so fucking beautiful it makes my chest ache, and she’s in my bed. I want to memorize this moment. I want to store it away for all the nights to come when she won’t be here. My feet move on their own accord and, before I know it, I’m standing beside the bed——her side of the bed. Only one night and I’m already giving her claim. With a feather-soft touch, I remove the hair from her eyes. This image of her in this moment will forever be one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.
A louder whimper from Lexi tells me she’s about to get serious with her cries. My baby girl is hungry. I give a mental fist bump that I can tell what kind of cry it is. She’s the only person who could pull me from the beautiful slumbering McKinley.
By the time I reach her, Lexi is angry. As soon as I pick her up, she settles down. “Hey, baby girl. Daddy’s here,” I coo to her. It sounds foreign to me to refer to myself as daddy, but that’s who I am to her. She’s a part of me.
After a quick diaper change, which I’m getting better at each time, we head downstairs to the kitchen. The process of making her bottle is . . . messy. I spill the powdered formula all over the counter. I’m still learning to do this with one hand. Miss Lexi is not impressed when I try to lay her down. McKinley makes it look so damn easy.
I settle on the couch and my little piglet begins to eat her breakfast. “I didn’t hear her wake up,” Kinley’s sleepy voice greets me.
Looking up, I see her standing at the bottom of the stairs. My rumpled t-shirt is now covered with one of my flannel shirts hanging past her knees. Her hair is in disarray and that smile—-my smile—-lights up her face. She’s every man’s wet dream and she was in my bed last night. More than anything, I wish I could keep her there.
“Yeah, I turned off the monitor. I didn’t want to wake you.”
“Evan,” she says, walking further into the room. “That’s why I stayed last night, so you could get some rest and try to get on a normal schedule. You’ve been burning the candle at both ends.”
“I’m good,” I tell her. I’m fucking fantastic. I got only a couple of hours of sleep at best, but I feel like I slept for days. Having her here feels right. Although, I’m not sure she feels the same way, considering she’s acting as though last night never happened.
It was more than just a kiss, damn it.
“Hey, Lexi has her first doctor’s appointment today. I was hoping you might come with me. I’m still nervous about taking her out on my own,” I confess. Talk of the doctor’s appointment gets me out of my own head. She’s not mine. I can’t think like she could be or even will be.
McKinley walks into the room and sits on the couch beside me. Reaching out, she offers her finger to Lexi, who grips it tight. “Sure,” she says softly.
I relax with the knowledge she’s going to be there. I’m a grown-ass man and the thought of taking my daughter out alone terrifies me. I don’t have to say it out loud. Kinley gets it.
“What time is her appointment?”
“Ten.” I glance over my shoulder at the clock; it’s six now.
“Are you hungry?” she asks, standing from the couch.
“Uh, yeah, I guess.” I’m not sure why she’s asking. I watch as she leans over and kisses Lexi on the cheek then stands. “I’ll make us some breakfast.” I watch her walk away, her long tan legs wearing nothing but my shirt. Do you know how perverted it feels to have a raging hard-on when you’re trying to feed your newborn daughter? It’s damn uncomfortable.
“That’s smells amazing,” I tell McKinley when I enter the kitchen. I take the bottle to the sink and rinse it out. “She fell right back to sleep.”
“She’s such a good baby, Evan.”
“She is. That little girl owns me.”
Her lips turn up at the corners. “She’s not even a week old and has you wrapped around her little finger.”
I don’t respond, because she’s right. My baby girl may terrify me, because I have no idea how to take care of her, but I love her with everything in me.
“I can’t wait to see how you react when she starts to date.”
“Fuck that! She’s not dating until she’s at least thirty.”
McKinley throws her head back and laughs, her long slender neck on display. I want nothing more than to press my lips there, right against her pulse, and taste her.
And my hard-on makes another appearance. Just like that. All she has to do is laugh and I’m hard as steel.
“Breakfast is ready,” she says as she carries two plates filled with bacon and eggs to the table.
Like a magnet, I follow her and settle into the chair right beside her. I can’t have her, but I’m sure as hell going to take full advantage of being close to her when I can. I dig into my plate and we enjoy a quiet breakfast together. Kinley talks about her studio and informs me, between her and her mom, Lexi will be in good hands while I work. I feel a weight lifted from my shoulders. It’s a relief to know people I trust will be taking care of her during the day. Just one more reason why McKinley and I can’t happen.
“Evan, go, we got this,” I tell him for the third time.
“I know. It’s just the first time I’ve left her. I didn’t know it would be this hard,” he says, running his hands through his hair.
“Oh, honey, it gets easier. Why don’t you plan on eating lunch here today? I’ll have it ready at noon. This way you get to see this little one and ease you into it,” Mom suggests.
Evan seems to brighten a little at her suggestion. Bending down, he pushes the handle down on Lex’s car seat. I watch him as he releases the straps and removes her, just like an old pro. Two weeks and he has come such a long way. “Daddy loves you, sweet girl. You be good for Kinley and her momma. I’ll see you in a few hours.”
“All right, Daddy, time to go,” I say, holding my arms out for Lexi. Evan kisses her forehead and places her in my arms.
“McKinley, I can’t even tell you how much this means to me.” He turns to look at Mom. “You too, Momma Mills.” He grins, using the name he’s called her all his life. “I can’t thank you enough for watching her for me. I don’t know if I could have left her with anyone else.”
“She’s my granddaughter. Of course I’m going to watch her,” Mom says, like he should already know this.
“And we share a middle name; we’re best friends,” I say with a grin.
Evan’s brown eyes lock on mine. I hear Mom say something about laundry and her footsteps as she leaves the room. Evan takes a step forward, aligning our bodies. He places one hand on Lexi’s back and the other caresses my cheek. He doesn’t say a word, just keeps his eyes trained on mine. When he leans in closer, my heart stutters in my chest. Evan’s lips softly press against mine for mere seconds before he pulls away and kisses the back of Lexi’s head. “I’ll see you soon,” he whispers, before turning and walking away. I watch him through the glass as he climbs in his truck and drives away.
“Oh, Lex, your daddy, he has no idea what he does to me,” I confess to her.
“Evan gone?” Mom asks, startling me. How long has she been there? What did she see?
“Yeah
, he’ll be back at lunch time. This little one has her hooks in him.”
“Um hmm,” Mom says.
Shit! “What do you mean um hmm?” I ask her.
“Just agreeing with you, dear.”
Double shit! “Let’s watch some cartoons, Lex.” I leave her car seat and pick up the diaper bag. Whatever Mom thinks she’s seen, or happened to see, is not what it looks like. Evan and I, we’re not . . . we’re just not.
Lexi falls asleep not ten minutes into our cartoon date. I know I should put her down and let her sleep, but she’s just too sweet and I love to cuddle her.
“You’re going to spoil her,” Mom says, taking a seat on the couch beside me.
“I know, but . . .”
“But nothing. If we hold her all day, Evan is never going to get sleep at night. She’s going to get used to it and refuse to sleep without someone holding her.”
Knowing she’s right, I stand and place Lexi in the pack-n-play I bought yesterday. I figured it would be easier if we had our own, less for Evan to take back and forth. I got a good deal on it at Target.
“You want to talk about it?” Mom asks.
“Talk about what?” Damn it, she did see him kiss me.
“McKinley, I’m your mother. I know when something is bothering you.”
“Your radar must be off. Everything’s fine,” I lie. Evan’s kiss still has me reeling.
“Fine, I’ll talk, you listen.” She turns sideways, pulling both legs up on the couch. Looks like this is going to be a long listening session.
“The chemistry between the two of you sucks the air out of the room. The way he looks at you, follows you with his eyes—I’ve watched it for months, but what I saw today,” she shakes her head. “That boy’s fighting what he feels for you,” she says matter-of-fact.
“Mom, he’s grateful for all the help I’ve given him. He had no clue how to prepare for Lex, and I felt bad for the guy,” I lie right through my teeth to her face. I’m a terrible liar.
“If that helps you deal with what’s happening, you can pretend all you want.”
“He’s Aaron’s best friend.”
“And yours too,” she fires back.
“Exactly. Listen, yes, he’s gorgeous and he’s a great guy, but there is nothing between us. He’s close to me now, leaning on me as he learns his way. That’s all this is. You’re mistaking appreciation for attraction.” I turn to look at Lexi sleeping soundly. I can feel Mom’s gaze on me.
“How did the pictures turn out?” Her question surprises me. It’s not like her to give up when she feels so strongly about something. Maybe she was just trying to feel me out, get me to confess. She really doesn’t think our chemistry sucks the air out of the room as she put it.
It does. It so does, but maybe, just maybe, she’s oblivious and I can keep living in the land of pretend.
Turning to face her, I find she’s smirking. Shit. No such luck. She’s giving me this, letting me tell myself there is nothing there. I need to be more careful.
“The pictures turned out so great. Lexi looks adorable. I sent them off for print. I bought a ton and blew a few of them up for Evan as well.”
“He’s going to be surprised. That boy has always been an Alabama fan. That’s a nice thing you did.”
I shrug. “Guys don’t think about things like that. I did it for Lexi just as much as Evan. She doesn’t have a mom to dress her up and make sure she gets her picture taken. A mom to make sure she will have those pictures and memories to look back on when she’s older. Evan’s learning his way. He’s not thinking about making sure he documents her milestones. He’s too focused on learning how to keep her alive—his words, not mine,” I chuckle.
“They’re both lucky to have you. I can’t wait to see the pictures.”
“Don’t worry, Grandma, I got you a few copies as well. I want them to be a surprise or else I would grab my laptop and show you.”
“I can handle that. So, you have anything in the studio today?”
“No, I kept it open. I knew Evan was going back to work today.” I stop there, afraid if I say more I’ll reveal what I’m trying so hard to deny.
Two months today. It’s hard for me to believe I’ve had her for eight whole weeks. It still seems like yesterday. She’s growing and changing every day, and she no longer sleeps all day long. Kinley and her mom are great about keeping her up during the day and our nights have gotten better. It’s hard as hell doing this on my own. Well, I’m not alone; Kinley has been there every step of the way, as have Aaron and their parents. My parents have been going crazy with wanting to see her. I’m going to have to make a trip to see them soon. Dad’s too weak to travel. I’ve been putting it off because I don’t think I can do it alone. I’ve been trying to find a way to ask Kinley to go with me. I hate to take her from the studio, but I need her.
Speaking of Kinley . . .
Me: Hey, I’ll be there to pick you girls up at three for Lexi’s appointment.
Kinley: Okay, but, Evan, you got this.
Me: Are you bailing on me, Mills?
Kinley: Never! But you got this daddy thing down.
Me: At home, but out, not so much.
What if we’re out and she needs something, or something happens that I can’t handle. What if the doctor asks a question I can’t answer about my own daughter? Kinley went with me on her first appointment. I asked her to go again on the second, and for this one, I didn’t ask, just told her the day and time and made sure she knew we, as in the three of us, needed to be there.
Kinley: We’ll be ready.
Me: Thank you.
I shove my phone back in my pocket and go back to the paperwork surrounding me. I love the business, working with the horses, even the cattle, but the accounting part not so much. It’s a necessary evil.
Glancing at the clock, I have three hours before I have to pick up the girls, and I still have to meet with the staff about some new horses coming in this week. With a heavy sigh, I dig into the pile of receipts, no longer able to put it off.
“Let’s get dinner,” I suggest to McKinley once we are back in the truck. Lexi passed her two-month check-up with flying colors. She had to get vaccines this time. That was so fucking hard. She wailed and I wanted to push that damn nurse away from her. Instead, I scooped her up in my arms as soon as she was done. Her cries turned to a whimper, and when McKinley started talking to her, she stopped all together. It appears that not only am I enamored with Kinley, but my daughter is as well.
“Sure. You sure you’re ready for this?” she laughs.
“Yeah, you’re with me. I wouldn’t do it by myself, not yet anyway.”
She just shakes her head at me. “Evan, you know what you’re doing, and I know for a fact you would rather cut off a limb than hurt that little girl.” She points in the backseat.
I don’t say anything, because she’s right. “What sounds good?” I ask instead.
“Well, we need to go somewhere family friendly.”
“Pizza?”
“Perfect.”
It’s always easy between us, just something else to add to my ever- growing list of how amazing she is. Like I need that list to grow.
“I’ll grab a high chair for her seat,” Lexi says, holding the door open for me. She has her purse and the diaper bag slung over her shoulder, while I carry the car seat. I stand and watch in fascination as she talks to one of the waitresses, who nods her head. “She’s going to bring it over,” she says, smiling as she stops to stand in front of me. “She said we could sit anywhere. I say away from the door. We don’t want all that cold wind on Lex.” She turns to walk toward the back of the restaurant.
All I can do is follow her.
“Here you go,” the perky young waitress says. Kinley sets the car seat on the chair and it fits snug. Huh, I would have never known to do that. “Your daughter is adorable,” she says to Kinley.
“She’s not . . . thank you,” she says softly.
The waitres
s hands us menus and tells us she’ll be back. “I’m sorry,” Kinley says immediately.
Looking across the booth, I see her face is red with embarrassment.
“Sorry for what?”
“I let her think Lexi is mine. I shouldn’t have done that. I just . . . It was easier than explaining that we’re friends. Shit, I should have just said she’s my niece.”
Reaching across the table, I clasp her hands in mine. “McKinley, look at me.” My thumb traces her knuckles as I wait for her to look at me. “Please,” I give her hands a gentle squeeze.
She looks at me from under her lashes.
“You didn’t do anything wrong. You are the closest thing to a mother this little girl has ever known. Fuck, Kinley, we could only be so lucky if you held that role for her, for both of us.” I clamp my mouth shut, already saying too much.
“Evan.” My name falls from her lips.
“No,” I cut her off. “Forget it. You did nothing wrong. It’s no one’s business.”
“This is a small town,” she counters.
“Yeah, and I don’t really have two fucks to give any of them. You, McKinley, have been there for us—-” I point to a sleeping Lexi in her car seat “—-from the minute I found out about her. Let them say and think what they want.”
“Y’all ready to order?” the young waitress asks.
We order a pepperoni to share and water to drink. I wait for the waitress to leave before I lighten the mood. “So how are things in the studio?”