by Kristie Cook
The elevator dinged when it reached the fifth floor and the doors slid open. I stood frozen, staring out at the corridor in front of me, glad no one else was in here to push me out. Forcing the lump in my throat down with a hard swallow, I wiped my hands on my miniskirt, and wobbling on the heels I usually had no problem walking in, I took a step forward at the same time the doors began to slide shut. My breath caught, and I jumped backwards. The doors came to a close, and the elevator began moving downward without me pushing a button. Maybe this was a sign that I shouldn’t be here. Nothing good could come of it. In fact, there was a strong possibility I’d put Mama out of her misery early, and I’d be hauled off to jail.
By the time the elevator reached the ground floor again, I was prepared to walk out the hospital doors, to my car and get the hell out of here. When the doors parted, though, Sissy stood on the other side, wearing yoga pants and a tank top.
Her eyes popped wide open. “Betha—Bex! You came!”
She rushed inside the elevator and swallowed me into a hug.
“Did you already see Mama? I wish you woulda told me you were comin’. I woulda been there to provide support and all. I ran out to grab somethin’ to eat, though, but I s’pose she told you that already.” She pulled away and punched the 5 button before quickly retreating to my side as more people stepped on board. “Do you mind comin’ back up? Did you get to talk to the doctors? I know Dr. Hayes really wanted to chat with both of us at the same time.”
My head swam. My palms started sweating again as we rose. My stomach once again threatened to toss my measly breakfast.
There was no point in lying to her. Mama’s face when she saw me would give away that I hadn’t been there yet. My voice came out sounding like a toad’s croak. “Um … I couldn’t remember the room number. I haven’t seen her yet.”
Sissy took a closer look at me, and her brows drew together. “Oh, bless your heart, look at you. I can’t tell if you’re scared or want to puke.”
A little bit of both, actually.
“Don’t you worry,” she said as she slid her hand up and down my upper arm. “You’ll be fine. And it’s the right thing to do, Bex. Besides, she’s a whole different person now. Too weak to be a bitch, bless her heart.”
The smartly dressed woman standing in front of us glanced over her shoulder with a look of disdain. I wondered if she’d be so disapproving if she knew everything our mother had put us through. Of course, nobody but I knew about everything, not even Sissy.
The elevator emptied as we made our way up, and by the time we reached the fifth floor, I was glad to have my sister by my side. She took my hand and led me out of the box and down the hall. We stopped at the closed door of room 532 and paused as I inhaled a deep breath full of the nasty odors of disinfectant, bleach, and sickness. I blew it out slowly. Sissy watched me closely until I nodded that I was ready. As ready as I’d ever be, anyway.
Except I’d never be ready for the sight that greeted me.
The thing lying in the hospital bed looked nothing like my mama. In fact, it barely looked human at all. The top of the bed was raised, and a low-watt lamp behind the bed was on, haloing the head that was barely more than a skull. She’d once had a full head of scarlet red hair like mine and the same bright complexion covered in freckles. We’d inherited our blue eyes from our daddy, but her brown ones had the same wide shape. They did at one time, anyway. She’d been a looker way back when. Even before she’d left us, I’d seen the drugs taking their toll on her. I just hadn’t imagined it would be this bad. She looked ninety, and she wasn’t even forty yet.
Her brown eyes turned to me, still appearing large but only because the sockets were sunken. There was no roundness to her face at all, only gray, mottled skin pulled tight over sharp cheekbones, framed by patches of thinning, dull-red hair that looked brittle enough to break if a brush even touched it. Recognition flickered in her eyes, and her thin lips parted in a crooked O, showing her few remaining teeth that looked too large for her mouth because the gums had receded so much. She lifted a bony hand off the bed a few inches, the tube leading under her skin following, and I was surprised she even had the strength for that because she seemed to have barely any muscles left on her bones.
“Beth’nee,” she whispered hoarsely. “You came.”
Sissy gave my hand a squeeze, then gently pushed me forward. I about fell face first because my feet remained glued in place. I’d wanted to be angry. I’d wanted to yell at her, to tell her once and for all how badly she had hurt us, how much she had made us suffer. I’d wanted to throw a classic hissy fit that I felt completely entitled to. In fact, the only way I’d been able to talk myself into coming today was by thinking that this was my last chance to tell her exactly how I felt. And once again, she was robbing me of that satisfaction. How could I yell at this skeleton?
“It’s okay,” Mama said. “I know you hate me. And I prolly look scarier than a hellhound on Halloween. I’m just pleased as pie that you came at all.”
She paused to draw in a breath that rattled through her lungs as though pebbles filled them. She didn’t look scary, though. Not as scary as she did when she went through withdrawals and took her problems out on us. She looked weak and vulnerable and sad. Very sad.
I glanced around the typical hospital room, noting that no one occupied the other bed. At least she had the privacy of a single room without the cost. A chair sat next to each bed. An adjustable table stood next to Mama’s, rather than over it. A meal of soup, Jell-O, and juice was on top, looking barely touched.
“Um …” I swallowed against my tight throat and tried to make conversation. I wasn’t really sure what to say, though. “Did I interrupt your lunch?”
“Oh, no, I’m done. I ate until I was fuller than a tick on a hound.”
Sissy walked over to the table, examined the contents and looked back at Mama. “You didn’t eat a thing, Mama. You need more than that.”
She pushed the table closer to Mama’s bed, sat on the side, and picked up the spoon. She scooped out some green Jell-O and brought it to Mama’s mouth. Mama rolled her eyes at me while parting her lips in compliance. The chords in her neck strained as she swallowed, and I wondered if she was actually still hungry but didn’t have enough energy to feed herself. Which meant she probably needed help with other necessities, like going to pee and cleaning herself.
No wonder Sissy spent so much time here. She probably had even more to do when Mama wasn’t in the hospital. Sissy had pretty much moved into her one-bedroom apartment to care for her up until a week ago, when they put her back in the hospital. We’d had a big fight a while ago about how I needed Sissy to help out with the bills, but then she showed me how much a home nurse would cost. I’d had to bite back the words I’d wanted to say and gave in. Now I understood better. Mama needed full-time help, and not just someone to bring her a meal every now and then and do her wash. I could have never helped Mama like this. Not because I hated her, but because it just wasn’t in me. I’d rather work three jobs and let Sissy handle this part. I knew what it was like to take care of a helpless child, but a helpless adult was a different story.
“I remember when it was me feeding you,” Mama said.
And that one statement brought me back to life.
Renewed anger jolted through me, and I nearly jumped at her.
“Oh, hell no! You have no right to say that!” I nearly screamed. “I fed her. I made sure she had food, and I made sure it got in her stomach while you lay on the couch all drugged out. And I was only three years old!”
Tears stung my eyes, and my body trembled. I couldn’t believe she’d even gone there!
“Bex,” Sissy hissed.
Mama placed a hand on hers, stilling it from bringing another bite to her mouth. “No, she’s right. She’s right about me, and she’s right to be angry. I deserve it. I was talk
ing about you, Beth’nee. When I used to feed you. Peaches were your favorite. And ice cream. Boy, did you love ice cream.”
She wheezed another breath then began coughing. My mouth slammed shut and my anger deflated.
“I was a good mama once, but you don’t remember that,” she eventually continued. “You were just a wee thing. When your daddy died, God rest his soul, a piece of me died with him. I tried to escape the pain with drugs. The doctors prescribed them at first. Ain’t that a hoot?”
I didn’t find it a hoot at all, especially as she broke into another coughing fit. What kind of doctors prescribed drugs to a pregnant woman with a one-year-old?
“The doctors started it twenty years ago, and now they’re tryin’ to fix it,” she continued. “I reckon they’re a little late, though.”
Sissy looked over at me with an expression full of warning. Apparently, Mama didn’t know how right she was.
“Speakin’ of doctors,” Sissy said, probably wanting to change the subject, “has Dr. Hayes been to see you yet?”
I swore Mama’s face lit up at the name. “Oh, he’s a looker, ain’t he? I know how you like him, Sis. No, he’s not been in yet, lucky you.”
Sissy’s face flushed. Interesting. She hadn’t mentioned anything about this Dr. Hayes to me.
“He wants to talk to us,” Sissy said. “That’s why I asked. I was hopin’ we hadn’t missed him already.”
“Mmm …” was all Mama said, and then her eyes closed, her head rolled to the side, and her mouth fell slightly open.
My breath caught and my heart raced as I watched closely for her chest to rise, because she looked deader than a doornail. Panic swept through me. There was still so much to be said. We needed more time! Why hadn’t I come sooner? Done more? Been the better person? How could I be so stubborn? So selfish? My hand flew to my mouth as a sob threatened its way up. But then I saw her chest move. Her breaths came slowly, but they did still come. I could finally take my own breath.
I guess I didn’t want her dead as badly as I thought I did.
Sissy rose and took my hand and led me out of the room, the first I’d moved since arriving. She pulled the heavy door behind her, ensuring it closed quietly.
“I don’t know how long she’ll sleep,” she said. “Sometimes it’s only for a few minutes, and others it’s for hours. You’re not gonna go, are you?”
I pushed my hands into the front pockets of my miniskirt while watching her face that filled with hope. “You said the doctor wanted to talk to us, right?”
She smiled and nodded, then headed down the hall for the nurse’s station. I stayed by Mama’s door, leaned against the wall with one ankle crossed over the other, and let my head fall back to stare at the ceiling. My mind and emotions were all over the place, and I needed to see which way was up. How could I still love this person I hated so much? I didn’t think I had, but couldn’t deny it now. Not with the way I’d reacted when I thought she’d died right before my eyes. After treating us worse than dogs and leaving us on Grams’ doorstep with not another word until two months ago, how could I possibly still love her?
Because she was my mama. That’s why.
“You must be Bethany,” said a male voice that sent a shock through my nerves.
I came to immediate attention, stood up straight, and opened my mouth to correct him, but nothing came out. My stomach did this crazy-ass flip-flop thing I’d never felt before. My heart made its own gymnastics move in my chest. When he lifted a brow and gave me a model-like smile, I had to squeeze my thighs tight because I thought my panties would fall right down to my four-inch heels, soakin’ wet and steamin’. Holy. Shit. Dark hair and silvery green eyes like the color of Spanish moss, a tanned complexion, and enough scruff around his square jaw and chin to make me wonder what that would feel like against my cheek … okay, against my thighs. This was one sexy specimen of a man. And he didn’t look much older than me. Well, maybe by four or five years. Still acceptable.
“Dr. Mason Hayes,” the man said, thrusting his hand out.
Oh. My. God. Sissy had been holding out on me big time! And I guess I was off on his age: he had to have been a little older than I thought to be a doctor. I noticed for the first time he was dressed in scrubs. I decided right there and then that I had a bigger weakness for a man in scrubs than I did for ball caps.
“Um …” I had to clear my throat, which suddenly felt like sandpaper. “Yeah, I’m Bethany, but I go by Bex.”
My hand could barely hold still as I reached out to shake his. As soon as he wrapped his quite larger hand around mine, my knees nearly buckled and I almost fell off my stiletto heels. His voice had been nothing on my nerves compared to his touch. I felt electrified. In a good way. A damn good way. His mouth moved, but I couldn’t hear his words as blood rushed in my ears before dropping southward. I wanted to have this man’s baby. I wanted to start right now.
A pinch on the back of my arm snapped me out of it.
“What are you doing?” Sissy hissed in my ear.
Dr. Hayes was still grinning at me, and I was still shaking his hand, and I didn’t know what her problem was … except, oh yeah, she’d been way down the hall when our hands had first met and here she was by my side. How long had I been holding him prisoner? Embarrassed, I yanked my hand away and gave him a stupid grin.
“I’m so sorry,” I said. “I guess I’m just glad to finally meet you.”
Good heavens, was my hand sweaty or what? I tried to discreetly wipe it on my skirt. I hoped he hadn’t noticed, but that was a hope in vain. How could he not? Gross.
Sissy gave me a hard stare, and I lifted my brows, trying to look innocent. Her eyes tightened before she turned to Dr. Hayes.
“I was just havin’ the nurses page you,” she said, her voice sweet as honey. “We must have been thinkin’ the same thing. I see you met my sister?”
“I’m making my rounds, yes. Found her here studying the ceiling as if Michelangelo had painted it. One look and I knew you two had to be related.” Dr. Hayes’ eyes hadn’t left my face, and a renewed thrill ran through me.
Sissy cleared her throat. “You said you wanted to talk to us?”
His weight shifted back to his heels, and he finally slid his eyes away from me to Sissy. “Did you tell her what I told you?”
Sissy bit her lip, which she did when she was upset, and stared at the floor. “A few weeks to a month or so. Yes, I told her.”
“And the rest?”
My gaze cut over to Sissy, who stood next to me, facing the doctor but still not looking at him. She hadn’t told me more, but I hadn’t exactly given her the chance to, either. She shifted her weight, and her hands fidgeted with the hem of her tank top.
“What’s the rest?” I asked.
When she didn’t answer, I turned back toward Dr. Hotty. He cocked his head as his gaze bounced between Sissy and me.
“You don’t know much at all, do you?” he asked.
Now my turn to squirm. Guilt washed over me for the first time for ignoring Mama’s condition. I’d been so angry that she’d finally reached out to us only because she needed something that I hadn’t taken the time or energy to learn exactly what was wrong with her. Sissy tried to tell me all the time, but I only pretended to listen. And somehow, Dr. Hotty figured this out in less than a minute. I could tell by the look in his eye that it was news to him, so it hadn’t been Sissy or Mama ratting out our family secrets.
“Um …” I stammered again. “I’ve been working crazy hours and live a couple hours away … and …”
And what? I didn’t really care about my mama? I couldn’t say that. Especially not after seeing her.
Dr. Hotty nodded. “Sissy and your mom told me you’re the supporter. But you need to come up to speed. We’re at a big turning point in our treatment. Can I, uh …”
He scratched at the scruff on his jaw and squinted his eyes. “Can I take you down for some coffee? There’s a lot to tell you.”
I glanced at Sissy and back at him. Like I could say no.
“Yeah, sure. Is Mama gonna be okay up here alone? What if she wakes up?”
Sissy elbowed me in the ribs for suddenly caring. “There are nurses here, you know.”
Or maybe for being stupid.
“Oh. Duh.” I let out an embarrassed laugh.
“Maybe you should stay up here, Sissy,” Dr. Hayes suggested. “So if she does wake up, you can tell her Bex is coming back. I know she’d hate to think she slept through your visit. She’d never forgive herself.”
Disappointment flashed in Sissy’s eyes, and I recognized that look. I’d done something again, but I didn’t know what. She placed a hand on my upper arm and gave me a shove toward the doctor. A little bit harder than necessary, if you asked me.
“Of course. Ya’ll go on and catch up. Hopefully, she’ll actually listen to you, Dr. Hayes.” Sissy threw another eye-dagger at me before spinning on her heel and returning to Mama’s room.
The doctor swept his arm out in an “after you” gesture, and we headed for the elevator. His arm that was closest to me remained raised behind me the whole time, and I imagined his hand near the small of my back. Just the thought of it gave me shivers. He was a perfect gentleman, though. He bought me coffee and everything.
“What kind of work do you do?” he asked as we sat at a two-top in the nearly empty cafeteria.
Heat began to rise into my cheeks, but I pushed it away. I was not going to be embarrassed, even around this highly educated, beautiful person with the professional career.
“I’m a waitress at one place, tend bar at another, and do my uncle’s bookkeeping and other office stuff,” I answered with as much pride as I could muster.
Dr. Hayes eyed me. “Three jobs?”