Like a bolt of lightning, she’d flashed back into his life without warning. No, not my life, he reminded himself. My sister’s life. Behind his back and without a word for him. The only woman he’d ever loved seemed to be back in his life without even bothering to tell him. “How long have you been seeing Hannah?”
“I don’t give out information on my patients.”
“You didn’t think I should know she was seeing a psychiatrist?”
“I’m a therapist.”
“You’re a doctor.”
“I was, a surgeon, I’m not anymore. And no, I didn’t think you had a right to know. She’s a grown woman, Nick. Old enough to make her own decisions and be responsible for her own health. Mental and otherwise. Or do you still take her to the doctor for checkups?”
He ignored the dig, and though he wanted to know why she wasn’t a surgeon anymore, he made himself focus. “I want to know why she came to you and how she’s doing. Why didn’t you know she was going to—”
“Have a panic attack?”
“Yes. And why didn’t you know she’d had them before?”
“Because you still think people should know things before they happen?”
“That’s not what this is about.”
Mia shook her head. “That’s what it’s always been about.”
He felt the regret rising, but this was now, and he didn’t want to add even more. “Tell her not to see him anymore.”
“I won’t do that.”
He gaped at her. “Why the hell not?”
“Because I don’t think it’s what’s best for her.”
“And you think McKinney is good for her? How can you say that? She just had a panic attack after not having one for years.”
“That you know of.”
Right. Once again reminding him he didn’t know everything. “I don’t think it’s coincidence she had one now, after getting involved with him.”
“You’ll have to ask her. She’s twenty-six—”
“I know how old she is. And why the hell are you even seeing her? Isn’t that against your rules?”
“Normally, I wouldn’t see someone I know personally, but I made an exception. I wasn’t going to leave her hanging if she needed help, and she wouldn’t see anyone else. She really just needed someone to talk to.”
“Why didn’t she come to me? Talk to me? I’m always there for her. Always.”
“And what would you have said?”
“If she needed to see someone, I would have called. I would have found a doctor. I would have taken her.”
“I think that was the point.”
He stared at her, not getting the point.
“Because she didn’t want you to take her. Didn’t want you to make the call.”
“So…” He sighed, feeling like a failure all over again. “Is she okay?”
“You’ll have to ask her, but I’ll tell you this much and that’s all. I think she is. She had a nightmare, she remembered things, and it brought the past to the surface. If you want to know more, you’ll have to talk to her. Do you need to be worried? No. I don’t think so. You don’t have the right to know everything anymore. That is the sad truth, the double-edged sword of being a parent, I guess. They’re yours to take care of until one day you’re not allowed to anymore.”
Something wavered in her voice like she wasn’t only talking about him. He wanted to know what and why. Two people who’d slept together, touched every part of each other, and now struggled to even look each other in the eye. But that was a long time ago, a lifetime ago, even if it felt like yesterday. He ran his hands through his hair, taking a second to gather himself. “Why didn’t I know?”
“Hannah didn’t want—”
“Not about Hannah. Why didn’t I know about you? You’ve been here how long?”
“There was no way to talk to you without it being about Hannah. No reason to.”
“No reason to?” He took a step toward her, aching to reach out, then stopped, remembered she’d left him when he needed her most.
“And say what?” Emotion flared in her eyes. Anger. Hurt. She stood and came around her desk. “Did you have a reason? I haven’t been in hiding, Nick. I haven’t entered witness protection. Though you’re an FBI agent, so even if I had, I guess you still could have found me.” She closed her eyes and let out a deep breath like she wished she hadn’t said that. He knew her face well.
The next second she waved it off like she didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Like it didn’t matter, like he couldn’t see the hurt in her eyes.
Well, he was hurt too, damn it, so he said what was at the surface, dying to come out. Low, rough with years of emotion. “You left me.”
Her chest rose with a sudden breath. Her eyes widened for one second before closing him off. “And you let me go.”
They stared at each other, letting both accusations sink in. More hurt. More regret. He was two steps out the door, thinking this is what he wanted. For him to be the one walking away this time, but it only added to the mountain of wrongs.
He turned back. “Mia—”
She was on the phone and didn’t look up. Probably didn’t even hear him whisper her name. Just as well.
Chapter 11
THE CROWD WAS LIGHT, the air of the pool bar dark and heavy like his mood. Nick glanced over at the sound of a cue ball cracking. It was rare for him and Zach to be off on the same night, even more rare for Luke to be with them. He was hoping for some beers to take the edge off this day. Seeing Mia had screwed with his head to say the least.
He hadn’t gone to her office to fight with her or accuse her, but damn it. It hurt that she’d been seeing Hannah, made him feel cheated in some way.
High-pitched laughter came from the bar, and they turned at the sound of Zach’s name on women’s lips.
“Think you have some fans,” Luke said, lining up his shot eight feet from a dart board illuminated by a beer sign above.
Zach shrugged and took the darts his brother passed. “What can I say? I’m good at making friends.”
Luke made a sound of disagreement as Zach took his shot. “I think friends might be a bit of a gray area.”
“Fifty shades,” Zach said, grinning.
“Good God,” Nick murmured, thinking how Mia had always said the opposite about him. That he was straight up black or white. Right or wrong. Always needing an answer, a reason.
“What? You always wanted me to read. Informative book, that one.” He raised his beer bottle at his brothers. “You might want to give it a try.”
Luke cracked a smile, and Nick just shook his head.
Zach finished his turn and came over for his beer. “You know,” he started slowly. “You looked like you’d seen a ghost in that hospital room. Like you wanted to run and wanted to fall on your knees at her feet all rolled into one. I’ve actually never seen a guy with such obvious problems.”
Nick stared at the label on his beer. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. I haven’t seen her, talked to her, in years.”
Luke sent him a long, appraising look. “That doesn’t always tell the whole story.”
No. It didn’t. But he wanted to snap that Luke didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, that he’d barely met Mia before he’d left to join the military. But that would only bring up another black mark of his past.
“I’ll get the next round.” Luke drained his beer and abruptly pushed away from the table.
“What’s got his balls in a wad?”
Knowing it wasn’t the type of question that required an answer, Nick just sipped his beer as Luke made his way to a seat at the bar. He’d had no idea his brother was coming home on leave, had no idea when he’d be gone again. He was quiet. More so than he’d always been? Maybe. But if something was going on with Luke, he wouldn’t know it. He’d screwed up things so badly with his brother, he was afraid to ask.
It’d been over twenty years, but some things couldn’t be fixed. Some words
couldn’t be taken back.
He’d been nineteen years old and hanging by a thread. Taking care of Hannah and going to school, Nick had been eager for Luke to step up and take on more of the responsibility. That dream ended when Nick arrived at the high school stadium for Dallas’s and Zach’s football game. Nick cringed at the memory.
The game clock showed twenty-eight seconds, the other team had the ball, which meant he’d missed seeing Dallas and Zach play. Again. Both gifted athletes and so damn proud to have made varsity as freshmen. His parents wouldn’t have missed a game. But he’d had a lab to make up, then a study group to get notes from a class he’d missed when Hannah had a cold the week before.
And there was Luke, angry and bitter about their parents’ senseless deaths and about Nick taking control. Or trying to. Nick spotted him from a distance, tall and proud, like a prize stud surrounded by adoring females. Good old Luke, living it up while I bust my ass. Would it kill him to give his little brothers some attention? He stalked across the backfield, pissed at Luke, pissed at himself, and frustrated with his whole damn life as the home team counted down the last ten seconds on the game clock.
The closer he got, the more he saw, and he didn’t see Hannah, whom, on this rare occasion, he’d left in Luke’s care. God forbid he ask Luke to help out for a few hours.
So occupied by the girls, Luke didn’t notice Nick until he was nearly on top of him. “Where’s Hannah?” Nick demanded.
“Huh?”
At seventeen, Luke almost matched him in height and outweighed him by a small margin, but that snotty teenage attitude was getting old, and he grabbed his brother by the shirt. “Where the fuck is your sister?”
“Get off me.” Luke shoved back, cocky, saving face in front of the girls. “Asshole,” he muttered plenty loud for Nick to hear him. “She’s right over there.” Luke pointed to a couple of younger girls, maybe twelve or thirteen, bunched in a giggling huddle on the bleachers. “I left her right there with Morgan’s sister.”
Luke stormed over. “Where’s Hannah?”
“We don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know? Damn it! You said you’d—”
“Hey!” One of Luke’s female admirers grabbed his arm. “Don’t yell at her.”
Pure panic seized him. With his hands stabbing through his hair, Nick turned in a circle. The game was over, and the crowd moved like a sea in every direction.
“I told her to stay right there,” Luke said, still full of attitude.
“Are you kidding me? She’s barely three years old! You have to watch her, damn it. I told you to watch her!”
“Hey, Nick.” Dallas ran over. “Did you see us? I scored.”
“Sorry. I didn’t. Hannah’s missing.”
Zach jogged over, stopping at his brother’s side, and Nick barely gave him a glance, yet another strike against him. He scoured the bleachers left and right. Bottom to top and—Oh, God. His heart stopped.
There she was, sitting at the very top of the stadium, on the wrong side of a yellow strip of caution tape blowing in the breeze. Caution because the last section of the chain-link safety fence that ran along the back of the bleachers was loose and gaping open. Exactly behind his baby sister as she swung her tiny feet, mouth moving, probably in one of her silly little songs. He took the bleachers two at a time, some three at a time, flying over the seemingly endless rows.
Nick was a foot away when she swung her legs too hard and toppled back. Her golden eyes went wide with fear, and time hung for an eternity. He grabbed her arm and, in one hard jerk, pulled her to him.
She latched on, crying into his neck, scared and probably hurt where he’d maybe jerked her arm out of the socket. He could have cried, too, but instead, he made his way back to his brother—his fuck-up, no-good idiot brother whom he was sick of dealing with.
Fury and grief over his parents’ deaths overwhelmed him, along with the crushing responsibility that had fallen to his shoulders and a burning fear that had his heart still racing.
And as black as death, it all came down on Luke. As the next-oldest brother, he should have been helping Nick instead of making it harder.
Nick shoved him hard in the shoulder. “What the hell is wrong with you? She could have died! Do you realize that? Do you have such little care that you’d rather score a chick than guard your sister’s life?” He went on, the scolding and blame pouring out right there in front of the dispersing crowd, the girls, the twins, and Hannah. He screamed every bit of it. “You’re supposed to be helping me, for God’s sake, not making everything worse. How can you be so selfish?” He jabbed a finger into Luke’s chest. “You’re going to ruin this. You’re going to get Hannah taken away and put in foster care with strangers.”
Luke hadn’t said a word in response. He’d stood there and taken it, then turned and walked across the parking lot, gotten in his truck, and drove away.
He’d left that very night. Used a fake ID to enlist in the Army. They didn’t see him again for six years.
He wondered if their relationship could be salvaged or if it had been too long. He wondered if both he and Luke were too proud to make things right. Could the past be left in the past? Was it possible to dig out of such a deep hole of regret? A common theme with him and relationships.
He sipped his beer and watched Luke at the bar, nodding and grinning at yet another female falling under his trance. Part of his anger with Mia was pride, a large part. He’d ended up failing Hannah in bigger ways than they could have ever imagined. He’d failed Mia, too. He’d given her a reason to leave him. Knowing all that didn’t make it any easier to fix.
Zach stood, taking the darts for his turn. “If I hit this dead center, both of you have to call me Supreme Master for a year.”
“How about Supreme Dumbass?” Luke suggested, returning with three cold bottles and a basket of cheese fries.
Zach fired and hit just left.
Luke raised his beer in mock salute at Zach. “You talk to Dallas lately?”
“No.” Nick answered, knowing the question was aimed at him. He wasn’t the only one who felt like the three of them together made the fourth brother’s absence more pronounced. When was the last time all four of them were together?
Zach let another dart fly, and they watched it hit just outside the center.
“But you know where he is,” Luke said.
“No,” Nick answered. “I don’t. He called a while back just to say he was fine, but he wouldn’t be able to talk for a while.”
“So he’s gone under,” Luke offered.
“That’d be my guess.” When you worked for the DEA and you couldn’t talk to your family, that’s pretty much what it meant. He hated that his brother was doing undercover work. It was dangerous enough being in a drug organization if you were a bad guy, but when you were playing both sides? Not good.
He stood and took a turn, followed by Luke.
Zach stood, took a dart, and hit dead center. “Boom. Beat that, suckas.”
“What do you do? Practice every damn day?”
“Gotta find something to do when I’m not on call. It can’t all be about the ladies. Though I’m sure they wish it was.”
Nick often worried about Z’s lack of ambition. He was the poster boy for easygoing. The more solemn and serious his twin, Dallas, had become after their parents’ accident, the more Zach had gone the other way. He’d taken on lightening the mood as his personal mission, his place in the family. Maybe Nick should just be glad he’d had one sibling turn out relatively undamaged by his upbringing.
He checked his phone again. He’d called Hannah three times before getting a text saying that if he didn’t stop asking if she was okay, she was going to turn her phone off. Then she’d sent him an emoji of a helicopter. Funny.
“I hit this,” Zach said, glancing back at Luke, “you give me the derby trophy.”
“I told you I don’t know where it is.”
“Well, find it. I want it.”
>
Zach concentrated on the board, and Nick shook his head at the ongoing argument.
“I don’t know why you think you should have it, anyway.”
Zach dropped his arm and spun, frustration all over his face. “Because I put the wheels on. How many times do I have to say it? I put the wheels on straight, and you know that’s the only reason you won.”
“Exactly,” Luke said. “I won. You were only in that troop with me because Dad was the leader.”
“You’re such a dick,” Zach said.
Luke just shrugged, and Zach took his shot.
It was an old argument, mostly meant as a joke, but there’d be a bit of truth in it as well. Because that Soapbox Derby car had been built with their dad, and except for the memories of that day, the trophy was all that was left. Maybe that’s why Zach continued to bring it up, to talk about it, to remember it.
They were lucky to have the memories: Cub Scouts, Little League, elaborate birthday cakes. All long before Hannah was born. All things she hadn’t had.
“So…weird seeing Mia after all this time, huh? She looks good.” Zach gave him a quick study before going back to the fries. “You really haven’t talked to her at all? Not in all this time?”
“No.”
Luke stared at him, not even trying to be subtle. “You didn't know she was here?”
“No.” He slid Luke a glance. “Did you?”
“No. But I haven’t been here.”
They both looked at Zach.
“Nope. Not me. I stay out of Han’s business. Mostly.”
“But she didn’t tell you she was here.” Luke gave him a that sucks, dude look, with a touch of rare brotherly concern. “You more pissed she’s seeing Han or that she’s not seeing you?”
Good question. A very good question and one he knew the answer to.
Chapter 12
Twelve years ago…
IN THE EARLY LIGHT of morning, they fell apart panting and so damn happy. Eternally overscheduled and exhausted, but happy. Mia finished her residency at University Hospital in Charlottesville and now worked in emergency surgery. His work in the FBI was demanding, in addition to the commute and taking care of Hannah. Zach was still around to pitch in, and it worked. Especially right now.
Worth the Wait (McKinney/Walker #1) Page 9