by Joy Elbel
My dad eyed me suspiciously as I spooned out a small heap of carrots and set my plate down in front of me. “Is that all you’re eating?”
“Yeah, I’m not real hungry and I’m in a hurry. Zach’s picking me up at seven.” I knew exactly what was happening here. My conversation with Shelly about the weight I lost must have been communicated up the ladder. Now was not the time for a lecture.
“Are you on a diet? You look a little pale—I don’t want you to overdo it.” “I’m not on a diet. I’ve just felt a little queasy lately.” As soon as I said the word queasy, I felt the alarm level go from yellow to red. “And no, I’m not pregnant. And yes, I’m absolutely certain.”
My dad finally relaxed enough to put down the roast beef and pick up his own fork. “Okay, so if it’s not a diet and you’re not,” he almost choked on the next word, “pregnant, then we need to get you a doctor appointment. There might be something else wrong. I’ll see if I can find someone to check you out tomorrow.”
“Can’t it wait until Monday? I mean, it’s not like I’m dying or anything.” Really, I just wanted to spend all day Saturday basking in my non-virgin glow. That simply wasn’t something I would achieve in a doctor’s office while clad in a hospital gown with my butt hanging out for the world to see.
“Ruby’s right, Jason. How about you set something up for Monday afternoon? I can swing by the school and get Ruby out early and take her myself.”
Shelly gave me a weird look that I couldn’t interpret. I didn’t have time to argue or try to figure it all out. “Yeah, I agree with Shelly—Monday sounds good.”
I crammed the last bite of my roast beef into my mouth and put my plate into the dishwasher. Before Dad had a chance to argue, I said, “Make the appointment for Monday around noon—that way I can be back in time for math class. I really want to see how I did on that test.”
Dad clearly knew when he was overruled, so I left it at that and went upstairs to get a shower. It was nearly six o’clock. I had to make sure I was perfect from head to toe and I had only one hour to do it. I was in such a hurry that I stepped into the shower without even checking the temperature of the water. Ice cold. Turning up the hot water, I smiled to myself. No need for a cold shower tonight!
Scrubbing twice as hard as I normally did to make sure every part of me was clean and soft and shaving twice to make sure that I didn’t miss a spot, my shower took nearly twenty minutes. Add in time for lotion and a healthy spritz of Midnight Kiss, and I only had a half an hour left for doing my hair and makeup and increasingly nervous as actually getting dressed. I got the clock inched its way toward
seven. So when it was obvious that my dinner wasn’t going to stick around, I heaved it all back up hurriedly, brushed my teeth and didn’t miss a beat.
When I was finished, I took one final look in the mirror. Hair—stick straight. Makeup—flawlessly applied. Clothes—even better than when I tried them on at the store. With a nod of my head, I said out loud, “Ruby, you look perfect.” And I’d never even come close to telling myself that before.
Slipping into the black boots that Rachel once considered attempting Chinese foot binding to fit into, I grabbed my bag off of my bed and went downstairs. And not a moment too soon. By the time I reached the foot of the stairs, I could hear the familiar sound of the Neon outside. It was a big moment for me. The Ruby who walked out that door wouldn’t be the same Ruby who walked back in it later. After tonight, I would forever be changed, forever linked to Zach in the most profound way. And that was what I wanted more than anything else in the world.
16. But I Didn’t Come Here to Talk
Zach opened the car door for me as I approached, gently taking my hand and pressing his lips to it as I slid into my seat.
“You look beautiful,” he said smiling. “Just like always.” He certainly was charming. He saw me at my absolute worst the night I almost drowned but he still told me I was beautiful even then. I had the most amazing boyfriend and there was no way I would ever let Misty get her dirty claws into him. I still wasn’t sure I deserved someone as perfect as Zach, but I knew that she definitely didn’t.
And when I say he was perfect, I mean perfect. His hair was evenly spiked, his scent was intoxicating and his clothes fit like they were tailor-made. My head swam just thinking about what I would find underneath them. Finally, his momentary encounter with Misty would be overshadowed by what we were about to do together.
With my parents at home and as far as I knew his parents were too, there was only one other place we could be going. The Hideout. The blanket he kept in the back seat of his car would now be used for the very same purpose I feared he intended it for on our first date. There was nothing for me to be afraid of this time. We barely talked as we drove—we just kept sharing nervous smiles instead.
When we passed the turn off I assumed he would take, I became confused. Did he get us a hotel room for the night? He had to know that my curfew still stood at midnight— regardless of how monumental our date was. So I just came out and asked him where we were going.
“To the school dance.” Zach uttered the words proudly like they were a huge announcement. What? The school dance? I loved him dearly, but if he planned on doing it under the bleachers or something, I was going to have to protest. Just as I was about to ask, he added, “And then I have something special planned for afterward.”
There. That was more like it. I wasn’t quite sure why he wanted to waste time at some stupid school dance, but I was willing to humor him. He probably thought it would be romantic—something I would remember years from now. And it was—or would be—if it weren’t for the fact that I was already past that stage. But I would really love to rub Misty’s face in it so I hoped she was there to enjoy the show.
I noticed there was an eerie similarity to my dreams as we walked into the cafeteria. The lights were low, the music was pounding and the crowd parted as we walked in. There was a lot of whispering going on among Misty’s coven. Paranoia wasn’t the answer—I knew they were talking about us—or more specifically, about me. Misty had something planned to get me out of the way so I had to keep my guard up. Whatever it was, I wasn’t going to fall victim to it. Especially not tonight—everything had to be perfect and stay perfect tonight.
A slow song started to play, so Zach pulled me close. “You’re the prettiest girl here.” The noise in the cafeteria was deafening so he had to speak directly into my ear. Too bad. That was something the coven could carry back to their leader who was noticeably absent. She couldn’t know for sure that we would be here tonight—even I didn’t know that until a few minutes ago—so I pushed visions of her rigging a bucket of pig’s blood directly above me out of my mind. No one was going to ruin our big night. I repeat, no one.
The longer we danced, the more I understood why we were there in the first place. It was like public foreplay. Not in a creepy, perverted way—in a see how much we love each other kind of way. With each song we grew closer together until I rested my head on his chest and pressed myself tightly to him. Garnet was the furthest thing from my mind when I spotted a strange shadow high up on the wall. It was the shadow of a body swinging from the gallows.
Instincts took over and I ripped myself away from Zach to see from where the silhouette was being cast. The spotlights shone in every direction throwing outlines of balloons and streamers across the room but none of them looked like the one I was seeing. None of them looked like death. I spun back around to find that the hanging figure had disappeared. confused and needed it fast. But Zach was right where I left him, looking concerned. I needed an explanation and I
Zach gripped me firmly by the shoulders and forced me to look him in the eye. “What’s wrong, sweetie?” I wanted to tell him the truth—I really did. I wanted to share every moment of my life with him. But I couldn’t. Not this. Maybe years from now when I had more control over what was happening to me, I could tell him the truth. But if I told him now, we may never have that future together.
“I’m so sorry—that was an insensitive remark. Forgive me?” He held his hand to the side of my face gently. “I promise never to use that phrase with you again.”
Once again, I lied and he apologized. This secret was going to destroy me. All I wanted was to be normal, to share this one beautiful night with him without any drama. The only way that was going to happen was to leave the dance now. I just needed to find a way to tell him that without appearing suspicious.
“So where are we going after the dance?” I asked casually. Too bad I didn’t have a camera because the smile he gave me was enough to erase all of my fears. If I could only lock that image away for the times when I really needed it.
“I wanted to wait a little longer for that part of our date, but I don’t think I can. Let’s go now.” That’s what I’m talking about—time to abandon the teenage drama for something a little more adult. Again, my stomach was doing flip flops but it wasn’t from the flu or tainted eggs this time. This time it was from the army of butterflies in there beating their fragile wings in a frenzy of excitement.
“I’m ready—let’s go!” I grabbed his hand and practically dragged him out of the school. Misty’s coven was flocked near the door and they all smirked at me as I passed by. I smirked right back—and unlike them, I had something to actually smirk about. Zach and I were about to lose our virginity together.
When he took the turnoff to his house, my hunch was confirmed. We were going to The Hideout. It made sense if you thought about it. So many of our big moments were shared there. The night I cried for the first time in his arms, the night he told me the story of Perseus and Andromeda and vowed to slay the beast for me—not to mention all of the kissing we’d done there. Of course, it was a little too cold to actually do it on top of the hill, but parked at the bottom in the backseat of the Neon was fine by me. He was what really mattered. Correction. He was the only thing that mattered.
When he stopped the car and turned the engine off, I started to get super nervous. I hadn’t changed my mind or anything—as a matter of fact, it was exactly the opposite. This was the moment I’d been waiting for—the moment all teenage girls waited for. Unlike some of them though, I was lucky. Zach was perfect and I loved him like I never knew was possible. It was like I’d given him a small piece of my heart in exchange for a portion of his. Now, we were about to exchange something just as important and I couldn’t imagine sharing that with anyone else. Ever. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Period.
Since I’d never done anything like this before, I didn’t know where to start. When he started to speak, I relaxed a little and just let what was going to happen, happen.
“So I have something special planned for tonight and I hope you like it. I’ve never done anything like this before so I’m not sure where to start.” He looked as nervous as I felt and, again, it was like he could read my mind.
“You can start by kissing me.” That was how it started every other night, so why not tonight? “Gladly!” He reached across the seat and pressed his lips to mine. His kiss was sweeter somehow, unless it was just my anticipation of what we were about to do. He wound his arm around my back, buried it in my hair and pulled me closer to him.
What started out sweet quickly became fevered. I was contorted in the worst position trying to get as close to him as possible. This just wasn’t going to work for too much longer. I didn’t want to be the one to say it but it was time to move to the backseat and preferably, before I broke my neck in the process. Not one single vision of my morning after glow involved a neck brace.
After waiting as long as I could, I finally made the suggestion. Unfortunately, I had to tear my lips away from his to do it. “My neck hurts—can we move to the backseat now?”
His eyes widened but he said nothing. He simply nodded his head and got out of the car. With one arm, he swept his books onto the floor to clear the entire backseat. I crawled in from the other side and wrapped my arms around his neck the instant he sat down. Without any hesitation, we picked up right where we left off.
As we kissed, I could feel his weight pressing me back slowly onto the seat until he was on top of me. He placed his hand by my knee and trailed his way up my leg and onto my side. My breath caught in my throat as I anxiously awaited his next move. But it never came. His hand rested there dangerously close to my chest but never close enough. Why wouldn’t he take the leap?
He was scared to—that had to be the reason. The day we walked into the woods and talked about everything imaginable, he told me that I was in control of how fast our relationship went. That he would never do anything I didn’t want him to do. So it was up to me. I would just have to show him what I wanted.
I tried to guide his hand to the right spot but I wasn’t a contortionist, so instead I wrapped my leg around his and shifted my weight under him so that I could get a better angle at it. Just as I got my hand on his, he broke away from me and sat up.
“We need to take a break.” He exhaled and gripped his legs tightly with both hands like it took every ounce of strength in him to not rip my clothes right off.
Okay, so he didn’t get the message. Time to be a little less subtle. “No, we don’t,” I said as I yanked off my boots, crawled onto his lap and started kissing him again. And he certainly didn’t object.
I straddled him as we kissed and our intensity was evenly matched. It was time to make my move. As I slid my hand up to start unbuttoning his shirt, I noticed something hard in his pocket. No, not that—something was actually in his pocket. I was curious about what it was but not curious enough to abandon my pursuit to ask. So I continued what I was doing and took the first button between my fingers.
I sensed that he was about to pull back, so I went for the jugular—literally. The day we went to the county fair together I kissed him on the neck and discovered that it was his weak spot. I decided to use that knowledge to my advantage. When I moved from his mouth down to the side of his neck, I knew he was mine. His entire body relaxed in full submission. He leaned his head back on the seat and closed his eyes while I finished opening his shirt.
I hadn’t seen him like this since that day at the shelter when he caught me in my underwear. His chest was flawlessly carved and I ran my hand across it like a sculptor lovingly stroking his creation. But I couldn’t stop there. If I was going to try to recreate that scene in the bathroom, I would have to remove something of my own. I peeled my lips from his neck long enough to lift my shirt above my head and toss it behind me into the front seat.
And that was when he opened his eyes. He had that same look of intoxication he always got when we kissed but there was something else infused with it. Hunger. And not the kind of look he got when he saw a cheeseburger, either. I’m talking raw, sexual hunger. Zach was never the kind of guy to stare at my chest instead of my face, but he was definitely struggling with which target to choose now. I bought a red push-up bra just for the occasion and he clearly approved. And he hadn’t even seen the matching panties yet.
When his eyes eventually made their way north and locked with mine, he whispered, “I love you.” Before I had a chance to return the sentiment, he started to kiss me. With his chest pressed to mine, the heat was almost unbearable. Mouth to mouth, flesh to flesh we kissed until I thought I would go mad. But kissing was all that happened. Even with my shirt off, he still wouldn’t touch me anywhere that he hadn’t already touched me before. I had to take it one step further. I swallowed my inhibitions and reached behind my back to unhook my bra.
When I reached under his hands to find the hook, he immediately knew what I was doing. He grabbed both of my hands in hi
s and tried to pull them away from their task. But I was determined not to stop. I swatted his hands away and went for it again. And that was the beginning of the end.
This time he took me by the wrists and forcefully pushed me away. “Stop! Stop now!” I was stunned and tears of humiliation began to sting my eyes. Why was he pushing me away? If this wasn’t what he was planning for weeks, then what was? What was so wrong with me that he could love me but not want to make love to me? Maybe I had it all wrong. Maybe he just wanted to switch positions first or something. Yeah, that had to be it. There was no way he could resist what I was offering him. No freaking way.
While my first instinct was to cry, I stuffed it into the back of my mind and fought to appear calm. “What’s wrong? Why do you want me to stop?”
“Why? Because I can’t do this— we can’t do this. We need to talk but you need to get dressed first.” He lifted me off of him and started to button his shirt. Under his breath, I could hear him mumbling to himself but I couldn’t make out a single word he said.
Rejection was a bitch. I hadn’t felt this bad since the day he broke up with me. Of course the break up was bad, but at least I understood why it happened. It happened because I lied to him. But this? I didn’t have a single clue as to why he was pushing me away. It was the same scenario as what happened between him and Misty. He just didn’t want to have sex with me. But why? With her, it was because he loved her but she didn’t love him. Zach knew I loved him, though. The only other alternative was that he didn’t love me.
I thrust my shirt over my head, crammed my feet into my boots and got out of the car. It was about a thousand degrees in there and I needed air. His protests went unheeded—right now, I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. I was having a hard enough time keeping the tears at bay when I wasn’t looking at him. If I had to see his gorgeous eyes turn disapproving, I wouldn’t be able to fight them anymore.