Chapter 31
Allie put on her best happy face and got through the lesson with Leah as best she could. The girl, it seemed, was as down as Allie. “That’s good,” she told Leah after her second run through of her new recital song. “I can tell you’ve been practicing.”
“Yeah.”
“Leah!” Mark called from the kitchen.
Leah rolled her eyes. “Yes, ma’am.”
“You okay?” Allie asked and ran her hand along the girl’s back. No matter how bad things were with Craig, she wouldn’t let him ruin her relationship with Leah.
“I guess.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“Not really. Can you stay for dinner tonight?”
Allie sighed and pinched her lips together. Leah was looking at her with puppy dog eyes, but the thought of pretending everything was okay for another hour seemed unbearable.
“Please, Ms. Allie. Uncle Craig already said no, and I really want you to stay.”
Allie felt relieved and bemused by Craig’s absence. He wasn’t usually around for dinner on Tuesday nights, but he rarely told Leah no. “I suppose I can make the time.”
The girl sprang up and started to close her music book.
“If you run through the song one more time.”
“You drive a hard bargain,” Leah said.
It wasn’t hard to act natural through dinner. Mark and Leah kept up their usual banter, while she and Carolyn did their duty to laugh and make fun when necessary. Allie offered to help Carolyn with the dishes after dinner while Mark challenged Leah to a game of one-on-one in the driveway.
“Is everything okay?” Carolyn asked. “You seem kind of distracted tonight.”
“I’m fine,” Allie said. She took the freshly rinsed pot Carolyn handed her and dried it with a towel. “Busy. I don’t mean to seem aloof.”
“You’re not. I just wondered if everything was okay. Leah said you’ve been spending some time with Craig.”
Oh no. The last thing she wanted to discuss was Craig. “We’re friends,” she managed to say without choking. “How are things going with you and Leah?”
“Oh, they’re better. We still have our moments, but ever since she ran away to Craig’s house and we got a lot off our chests, things have improved. Why?” Carolyn asked. “Do you think she’s backsliding?”
“No, not at all. I’m just curious. She seemed a little down tonight.”
“She’s mad at Craig.”
Get in line, Allie thought.
“She wanted him to come to dinner tonight, but he said he was too busy. He’s been busy for a couple of weeks now, and she’s feeling neglected.”
What was Allie supposed to do? Defend the jerk? “I haven’t heard from him either, so I suppose he must be busy.”
“I don’t know…” Carolyn said, shaking her head and scrubbing the cooked on edges of the lasagna pan.
“What do you mean?” Allie asked. She didn’t want to seem too interested, but if Carolyn had any information that could shed some light on how she should proceed, she’d listen.
“I’m not sure, but I think something’s going on with him. He and Mark talk pretty regularly, and Mark said he’s been short with him and acting funny.”
“He is kinda moody,” Allie offered.
“You know, I feel like I know him a lot better than I actually do. I mean, Mark spent three years talking about him and Leah, so I feel like I know everything about them. I’ve wanted so many times to give Craig a great big hug for what he’s been through and the way he put everything on hold to help Mark and Leah after Becca died. I mean, the accident cost him his wife and the baby…”
“The baby?”
“Julie was pregnant when she died.” Carolyn rinsed the lasagna pan and set it on the drying rack when Allie couldn’t reach for it in her state of shock. “Craig didn’t know,” Carolyn continued. “Mark said Craig was so strong until he found out about the baby and then he just lost it. Apparently he was a mess until about three months after and he just kind of snapped out of it. Mark said it was like someone had flicked a switch and the old Craig was back.”
Allie had to turn away while Carolyn prattled on about Craig and Mark and Leah and how they all suffered and got through the first year together, about how one year bled into another and they basically raised Leah together. Allie braced her hands on the counter and struggled for breath.
“Hey, hey,” Carolyn put an arm around Allie’s waist. “Are you okay? You look kind of pale?”
“I’m feeling a little lightheaded all the sudden.”
Carolyn led her to the table and helped her into a chair. She got Allie a glass of water and ordered her to drink.
“I’m sorry,” Allie said. “I’m not sure what happened.”
Carolyn stared into Allie’s eyes. “Your color’s coming back. Whew,” she drew her wrist across her forehead. “You scared me. For a second there I thought you were going to pass out.”
“I’m fine now. I’m not sure what that was.”
Carolyn stood up. “I’m going to get Mark, get him to drive you home.”
“No,” Allie said. “No, that’s sweet, Carolyn, but I’m fine. Whatever that was, it’s passed and I feel fine.”
Carolyn stared at her from across the kitchen. After a slow, appraising glance, she said, “Are you sure? What if you get lightheaded on your way home?”
“I’m not far and if I feel dizzy, I’ll pull over. I’m fine, Carolyn, really. There’s no need for Mark to drive me home.”
“It’s no trouble, Allie.”
Allie felt panicked at the thought of being around Mark or any of them now. She desperately needed to get out of there and think. She just needed time to think and process everything Carolyn had just told her. “I’d feel silly and embarrassed. I’m embarrassed enough. Please, I’m fine.”
Carolyn sighed. “All right, but do me a favor and give me a call when you get home so I don’t worry.”
“Absolutely.”
Allie gave Carolyn her brightest smile, gathered her things, and waved to Mark and Leah as she got in her car. She pulled out of the driveway, onto the street, and around the corner before pulling over to the curb because her hands were shaking so badly she could hardly grip the steering wheel.
Oh, Craig, she thought. You poor, poor man. What in the world did that woman do to you and how in in God’s name have you lived alone with this for so many years?
***
Craig was just about to leave when he saw the headlights coming down Allie’s quiet residential street. He stood up from the porch step and stared as her car pulled into the drive. She knew he was here; she’d have known since she pulled in the driveway and saw his truck in front of her house. He felt a twinge of guilt for ambushing her when he hadn’t called her back, but there wasn’t any way to explain what he needed to say other than face to face.
She took her time getting out of the car. He shoved his hands in his jeans and watched her. She wore wool pants, heeled boots, and chunky sweater to go with the unreadable look on her face. He’d expected her to be fuming when she saw him and this…pale and sullen Allie had his stomach knotted in worry.
“Hey,” he said as she stopped on the walk in front of him. He towered over her from his perch on her porch.
“Hi.” She just stood there, her bag in her hand, her purse slung over her shoulder, that damn puzzling look on her face.
“How was the lasagna?” he asked.
She cocked a brow. “Am I why you stayed away?”
“No. I can have Mark’s lasagna whenever I want. Kinda takes the appeal away.”
She didn’t even crack a smile.
“Listen,” he began. “I need to talk to you. I’d like to explain.”
She just stared at him without moving. He climbed down the stairs when it became obvious she’d rather freeze to death than invite him in. “So explain.”
“Allie, I can’t do this. I wish I could and believe me, if I could, you�
�d be the one, but I just can’t.”
“I know you can’t. It hurts like hell, but I know you can’t and I even understand why.”
What the hell? “You’re not mad? Why does this feel like a trap?”
“Mostly because you’re the one who spews the cold, hard truth and you’re not used to having it spewed back at you. I can honestly say, of all the things that have come out of this relationship we’re in—and don’t turn white on me, Craig, we are in a relationship—it’s that you’ve taught me to be honest. With others and most especially with myself.” She sat down on the porch step and put her case between her legs. “Carolyn told me about the baby. Julie’s baby.”
Sucker punched. She’d sucker punched him when he least expected it. “That doesn’t have anything to do with this.”
“Now who’s not being honest?”
“I don’t do relationships, Allie. That’s all this is about.”
“You don’t do relationships, Craig, because you’re not done having one with your wife.”
“That’s bullshit!”
“Not from where I’m sitting. You stopped grieving.” She snapped her fingers. “Just flat stopped the minute you discovered those emails. And I don’t have to be a psychologist to know you can’t adequately grieve for your dead wife in three months.”
Anger, fierce and hot, rose up in his gut. “Oh, so you’re a therapist now?”
“No, I’m someone who cares about you. Probably more than you’re ready to hear, but we’ll save that for later. You never told your brother about the emails. You never told anyone but me, and I’m pretty sure you never would have told me if I hadn’t been so weak and sniffly at the time.”
“I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Most people would think you kept everything close to the vest so you wouldn’t be pitied, but I know you better than that. You didn’t know how to be angry and sad at the same time, and it pisses you off when you can’t figure something out. You lost your wife, your child—”
“It might not have been mine.” The words, so long trapped in his head, in his heart, came out in an angry whisper. He sank down on the step next to her, his head in his hands.
“It could have been,” she said. “And it’s gotta be pure hell not to know one way or the other. So because you didn’t know how to grieve, you just decided not to, and you’re just stubborn enough to follow through.”
“I don’t want you analyzing me, Allie. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You didn’t know me then. I wasn’t the same person I am now.”
“You should probably grieve for him, too.”
“I was a coldhearted bastard. I worked all the damn time. I told myself it was for Julie, for all the things she wanted and the lifestyle I wanted to give her, but we both knew it was my own greed and pride that kept me away from home.” He ran his hands through his hair and tried to calm his racing heart. “I don’t blame her for taking up with some other guy.”
“Now you’re just flat lying. There are lots of reasons to cheat, Craig, and I’m sure when you’re tempted, you can come up with some pretty good ones, but that doesn’t ever make it okay.”
“That’s your own divorced parents/old boyfriend baggage talking now.”
“Probably. I can’t forgive or be with a cheater and neither could you. Now or then. If she’d have lived, you’d have left her when you found out about the cheating.”
It was the question that haunted him. What would he have done, if given the chance? “Yeah,” he admitted after staring off in the distance. “I would have.”
“But the baby might have changed things. She didn’t tell you about the baby, so you don’t think it was yours. There are so many ways it all could have played out if it weren’t for the accident. Too many ways. It makes my head spin just thinking about all the things that could have happened, and I just found out. I could play ‘what if’ for hours, but the only thing I can’t see is you forgiving her and moving on. I don’t think you’re built like that.”
He just stared at her. She looked like a ghost in the soft light of the porch lamp, but there was steel underneath her polished exterior.
“You couldn’t forgive her, alive or dead, and you’ve never been able to forgive yourself. And that brings us back to now.”
She’d cut him to the quick and he intended to return the favor. “You think you know everything now that we’ve slept together once and my new sister-in-law told you some juicy gossip?”
“It wasn’t just once, Craig, and we both know it wasn’t just sex.”
She was twisting everything around and tying his insides into knots. He wanted so badly to rail at her, to be pissed, but everything she said felt like a slap to his face. So instead of being mad, or appreciating her honesty, he fought back the only way he knew how. “I can’t do this with you, Allie, because I don’t want to. You’re a little too much for me and we both know it.”
The shaky breath she let out made him feel worse than all the things she’d said. “I can’t control your feelings any more than I can control mine, so I may as well be honest. I’m in love with you, Craig, but I’m not going to let you hurt me or lie to me. We can’t be together now because you’re in no position to be with anyone. I love you enough to understand. I also love myself enough not to wait for you. I can’t fix you and I can’t make you love me back, but I may as well lay it all out for you and, if anything, give you an easy out.”
“What the hell do expect me to say to that, Allie? Just what the hell do you want?”
“I want you to be happy, Craig. I want me to be happy, too. If we can figure out how to be happy together—after you’ve dealt with your grief—then I think we’d make one hell of a couple. But if we can’t, I still want us both to end up happy.”
“You don’t love me,” he said.
When she smiled at him, if he weren’t already sitting, it would have brought him to his knees. “You can’t tell me how I feel.”
“What do you expect me to do with this?”
“That’s for you to decide.”
“But you’re not going to wait? You think you love me, but you’re what? Going to go back to online dating?”
“I’m going to get through this one day at a time. You’re just stubborn enough not to do anything and to let me and what we could have together slip away. I deserve better than that.”
“What if…what if I get my shit together—I’m not admitting I need to—but what if I do and you’ve met someone else?”
“I guess that’s the chance we both have to take.” She leaned over and planted a kiss on his lips, lingering long enough for him to consider, just for a second, grabbing hold and never letting go. She walked inside without a backwards glance.
Chapter 32
Melissa hitched Henry on her hip and pounded on Allie's door. She'd seen her car in the garage and wasn't leaving until her friend showed her face. Melissa wasn't sure what she'd said or done to hurt Allie's feelings, but it was just plain rude not to answer her phone calls and let her wonder.
Melissa was ready to pounce when she heard the door lock slide open and the door inched back, but it was a gasp that came out of her mouth when she caught sight of her friend. “What the hell happened to you?”
“Excuse me?” Allie asked. She shuffled back to the couch where, from the look of the throws and pillows stacked at one end, she'd dragged herself from to answer the door.
“It's the middle of the day,” Melissa said after closing the door. “You haven't answered your phone or returned my calls. You're lying around on the couch in your pajamas—which you never do—and you look like hell. What gives?”
“I'm sick.”
“You're sick. Are your fingers broken, too?”
“What?”
She pointed to the phone where it rested on the cradle. Even from the opposite side of the room, Melissa could see the message light flashing. “Your phone.”
“I don't feel good, Mel.”
“Ha
ve you been to the doctor?”
“No.” Allie sat down and bundled under the covers. “I'm just tired.”
“Too tired to answer the phone?”
“I didn't feel like talking to anyone.”
“Did you ever think some of us might be worried when you didn't answer your phone?”
“No. I should have. That's really rude of me. I'm sorry.”
Melissa sat down on the coffee table in front of Allie and studied her friend. “What happened? Are you moping around because of Craig? Because really, after all this time, you've got to get over him.”
“I'm not moping around. I told you I don't feel good.”
“What are your symptoms?” Melissa asked. Henry, God bless him, sat quietly in her lap playing with her necklace.
“I'm tired, I don't have any energy, and my stomach isn't always steady.”
“Oh my God, Allie. Tell me you're still on the pill.”
“What? Don't be silly. Of course I'm on the pill. I'm not pregnant.”
“When are you supposed to get your period?” Melissa asked.
“I don’t know.” Allie rubbed her temple with her fingers. “Couple of days.”
Melissa shot to her feet. “I’m going to the store right now and getting you a pregnancy test.”
“Don’t you think you’re jumping the gun? I’m not even late. I could just have a bug or something. Or, let’s think this through. A few weeks ago, I told the man I slept with I love him and haven’t heard a thing from him since. So maybe, just maybe, I might be a tiny bit depressed.”
“Yes, you could be all of the above, including pregnant. Let’s start by ruling out the big one and work our way back from there.”
“I’m not pregnant.”
Melissa turned at the door. “How can you be sure?”
“Because God wouldn’t be that cruel.” She covered her head with the blanket and Melissa bolted out the door. Pregnant or not, God had little to do with it.
***
The sinus infection. A ten-day course of antibiotics had changed her life forever. Allie swore never to take antibiotics again.
The Accidental Encore Page 20