by Sonya Jesus
“Amelia’s not in love with Christopher!”
Oh shit. I let it slip. Quick, act calm and pretend like it’s implied.
“How did you know it was Amelia?” she demands suspiciously, her eyes full of intrigue.
“You’re Megan’s sister. I just assume you’re talking about Christopher, the one on the basketball team. I hear rumors too, you know?” I wink at her. “I know that Christopher is friends with Amelia. Though from what I hear, it’s strictly platonic.” Or it better the hell be.
One thing at a time, Hawkins.
“I guess I should say that’s great because Chris is dating my sister and she has enough issues with that.”
I nod encouragingly.
“But it sucks for me! If she loves Chris, then eventually, Connor would see I am right. So, what’s the point?”
Okay, I can salvage this. “I saw her with Dylan from the soccer team the other day, getting comfortable with each other? I don’t know what is going on there, but I can say that maybe she isn’t into Connor as much as Connor hopes she is.”
Jaime a raises her brow.
Yes! I’ve successfully peaked her curiosity, instilling enough hope to restore her drive.
“That may be true, but they are together now.”
Or not! I don’t appreciate the defeatist tone. “So, what? You are going to let that stop you?”
She laughs at me. “What the hell am I supposed to do about it?”
“Take her out of the picture,” I gently instigate. “I mean, why not break them up?”
She perks up at my comment. I can already tell she’s planning something in her head. “How? He just told me to get the hell out of his room!”
“Can I tell you a secret?”
She nods yes.
“There’s this fundraising auction. It’s still pending approval from the Student Affairs office…”
“Oh, I heard about that. They want to auction off the cheerleaders.” Her comment is flippant because she underestimates the potential of something like this. “My sister has been trying to get it pushed through for weeks. She’s trying to go with a Mad Lib theme. Like that is ever going to get approved.”
“You may be right. I went to the meeting, and they don’t like the idea of auctioning off only the cheerleaders because they don’t want to encourage negative stereotypes.”
“I told my sister that exact same thing when she bitched about it not getting pushed through immediately. It’s like saying women are for sale to the highest bidder. It goes against the student honor code in our handbook.”
A genuine smile encompasses my face, “You are probably one of the few first-years I know who read the handbook.”
My smile catches her off guard. Her eyes flicker to my lips before she shakes whatever thought popped into her head away and answers, “Yeah. I like to know exactly what I can get away with.” Chuckling, she lifts one shoulder in defiance. “Anyway, they also have a whole “inclusion” thing going, so the all cheerleader event is pretty exclusive. Even though it’s open to all buyers.”
Maybe there is hope for this one yet. “Exactly, but there is a way around that. Why not mix it up a little? Make it fit the guidelines by involving the whole campus and a lot of different clubs. Then there will be no backlash from other members.”
“That seems like a lot of work.”
“But if you somehow involve Connor….”
“Connor would hate that!” She nods her head in approval. As she works through it in her head she finds a problem, “Connor won’t do it.”
“Then get Amelia to do it, and make sure Connor doesn’t win the bid.”
“He’s not going to let her do it.”
I like doubts I can remedy. “Well, find a way to make it a surprise?”
“Even if I did that, how am I going to keep him from bidding?”
“Christopher?” I suggest. “Why not have him bid on his best friend.”
“My sister will flip her shit,” she states immediately. “She would rather call off the whole thing than have that happen.”
“Maybe start a bidding war? Find possible contenders.” Not that I like that idea either.
“Like?” I can see I am going to have to do all the planning. Not very devious, this one.
“Well, there’s Dylan?” I plant the little seed. “Oh, and I am pretty sure Mason wouldn’t mind.”
“Mason?” she wonders. “The guy from the other day? Oh, Connor hates him.” The feeling is mutual.
“Would you bid on her, please?” she begs. “In case they don’t.”
I chuckle, “It’s not exactly my thing. Plus, I doubt I would pack as much punch as one of the guys we talked about. I think just the bidding war may scare her off.”
“Please, Lia doesn’t scare off easily.” She sniggers. “I have to admit that Robins winning would be the best thing ever. Christopher revolts Connor. Before Lia and Connor started dating, Connor used to come with me over to my sister’s place. If I told him Robins would be there, he would start mumbling and get grouchy. Meg says Robins isn’t fond of Connor, either.”
“Can I ask how you feel about Robins?” If I was right, then she would go behind her sisters back.
“He called me a slut,” she articulates vindictively. “And he is the worst boyfriend ever. My sister doesn’t want to believe the rumors going around. She didn’t even believe me when I told her that he’s lying to her.”
“Are you close with your sister?”
“As sisterly as Montaines can be. Except when it comes to Christopher.”
A rift between them. I store that little piece of information.
“You know he tells her he’s going to hang out with Lia all the time.”
“Don’t they hang out a lot?”
“Well, yes,” she admits. “But this is different. I think he uses Lia as a cover to be with other girls. One time he told Meg he spent the whole day with Lia, but he didn’t.”
“How do you know that?” Even I didn’t know that.
“I saw him leaving her place a couple weeks ago. I guess that doesn’t mean he didn’t go back though. But even if he did, there are other times when he uses her as a cover. I know because Connor is over there and I doubt they are all hanging out playing poker.”
“Sounds like he is a sucky boyfriend,” I say, trying to feign compassion but not succeeding. I am not interested in Meg and Christopher’s relationship at the moment. “Sounds like breaking your sister and Christopher up wouldn’t be such a bad thing either.”
She stops walking and looks at me, contemplating something in her head, “No, I guess not.” Then she looks at her phone and sighs. I glance at the screen; it’s Connor’s roommate, Austin. She clicks a button, and the screen goes dark.
Did she just shut off her phone? I give her time alone and pull my own phone out of my front pocket.
Shit. I’m over an hour late for Harper. I didn’t plan on taking this long. “I got to run Jaime.” She looks up at me surprised. “You don’t mind, do you? Let me walk you back to your dorm.”
“Oh no,” she says much too quickly. “It’s fine. I’m just going to go meet a friend. Thank you for the walk and the talk.” She plants a kiss on my cheek and walks away.
I jog over to Amelia’s, hoping that I can manage to lie my way out of being late for our date. I run through excuses as I wait for the elevator. Step-father-mamma drama. Work. Car trouble. Any of those would do.
When I finally knock on the door to the suite, Harper answers in her pajamas. “You’re late,” she snaps. Her lips twist in a pout; she crosses her arms in front of her chest, blocking the door slightly.
“I’m so sorry! I got caught up and couldn’t get away.” She doesn’t invite me in. I chance a look into the living room and see all the girls gathered around the coffee table with containers of Chinese food everywhere. I am pretty sure that my date just got canceled.
“Well, as you can see, I already ate.” She steps aside to give all the girl
s a clear view. Each one looks pissed, except for Amelia. She gives me a tentative smile. I had a feeling my name came up during their dinner party. “So, you can go now.”
“Just like that?” I ask, making my voice sound dejected.
“Just like that. Next time, don’t be late.”
That’s all I needed. Next time. “So, there is going to be a next time?” I smile softly.
She releases a puff of air before glancing at her friends. Amelia tilts her head to the side, and the two suitemates silently communicate. I catch some of Harper’s eye roll as she turns back towards me. “We’ll see. Now leave! We are busy bashing boys and making sure Lia hasn’t officially lost her marbles.”
Amelia pouts. “Harper,” she extends the name in annoyance, “you have a big mouth.”
“What? You’re the one who is flipping out because you’re missing him.”
Mother fucking Connor.
“It’s annoying! You don’t shut up about it.” She turns back to me, “Anyway, as you can see, I have my hands full tonight. See you soon.”
And with those parting words, she slams the door in my face, and I hear a bunch of noise on the other side. I leave before someone catches me eavesdropping.
Chapter 2: Sexy Diet Coke Rescuer
Lia
I’ve kept my distance from Robins, as he asked, and I miss him so much it damn near rips my soul apart. Being away from him makes me miserable, and being near him is pure torture. My eyes see Robins, the one who learned me by heart, when he walks me to class or brings me coffee. Yet, it’s Christopher who occasionally texts and talks to me. There’s no nose flick, or tugging my lip, or stealing my food, or annoyingly calling me a chubbers. No, there’s just a shadow of the one relationship I never dreamt of losing.
He chose this; the distance, this space. I might have agreed to it out of spite, or pride, or just plain stupidity, but I didn’t fully understand what it would mean to have space between two people who remained so close. I do now though, and it totally sucks big monkey nuts!
I hate that there is nothing close between us except for the measurable foot or two he insists on maintaining. I hate that my best friend feels more like a stranger than the one who knows all my secrets. Most of all, I hate that all of it doesn’t seem to faze him. It’s almost as if it’s easy for him to be in the same place we always were, but not be the same people.
Well, it’s agonizing for me. I’m so off my axis that I can’t get a grip on anything. He’s the gravity that centered my world, and now it’s gone. I’m floating around trying to tether down to something… anything! All because I miss him.
Ugh. I miss him in my life even though he’s still in it!
I miss the little things he did with me- the things I took for granted– and the connection we had.
Had. Ugh. Tears well in my eyes every time I think of us in the past tense. I miss my best friend, and he doesn’t miss me enough to make it better. I hate that he can be happy without me and that he accepts the amount of distance this space has really put between us. Or maybe he doesn’t notice it at all. Maybe I am the one who can’t adjust like I am supposed to. He’s happy with Meg. I have Connor, and somehow, we are still best friends.
No, we are just the shell of the friends we used to be. I miss my pre-Connor Robins. The one who tugged my lip when I bit it, who flicked my nose, who wrapped his arms around me and made me feel safe and the one who called me Pooh Bear. He doesn’t even call me that anymore. I miss the way he stole all my good food and how he made me angry when he didn’t let me buy junk food. I miss his laugh.
I pretty much miss him everywhere I go. I miss him when I’m with Connor, when I see Meg, when I walk past the basketball court, and even when I’m at cheer practice. But, I miss Robins the most when I am actually with him. Everything, this nostalgia for our moments, causes an emptiness that makes it so hard to breathe, and when I'm with him, I practically suffocate. Being with him makes it so much worse. It should fill me with joy, but all it does is remind me of all the things I miss— of the way we were and may never be again.
It’s crazy, but I even miss the sounds his body made around me. Sounds I didn’t even know he made until they were gone. Like, he always snapped his fingers when I took too long and he was waiting for me, or he would blow air out of his lips and make it sound like a deflated balloon when I got on his nerves. I miss that he snored when he fell asleep watching TV with me. I miss the way he would whistle to get my attention at the gym. Without a doubt, though, the thing I miss the most? His heartbeat.
Missing the sound of someone’s heartbeat is tormenting. It’s a terrible longing for a rhythm that you're forced to adjust without. I took it for granted when I was cuddling next to him, or in his arms. But, the moment I didn’t hear it anymore, I instantly realized it was missing. I was forced to syncopate my life to the lack of his heartbeat.
I’ve missed it since the day he gave me space.
Space that I didn’t ask for.
Space he assumed I needed.
Well, I fucking hate space!
People who ask for space are obviously uncomfortable with the closeness that they have reached. And I wasn’t uncomfortable. Actually, I was so comfortable with the lack of space that I didn’t notice everything our proximity brought. I never realized how deeply I would miss him until he cruelly distanced himself from me. I want to hate him! God, I want to scream in his face and tell him he’s an asshole. I want to tell him I rather not have him in my life than live like this.
But who am I kidding? I’d never do that because I love him. He’s embedded so deep inside my heart, I couldn’t even cut it open to find the vein he wedged himself into. He’s ingrained in me. Infiltrated every crevice of my heart to the point that he’s lodged in my DNA. He’s like a virus that evaded my defense system, caused irrevocable damage, and now there’s no cure. He’ll be with me until the day I die. I’m going to have to accept that: the Pooh Virus.
I groan internally as my inner Angel scolds me, That’s healthy! Compare love to a viral infection that will probably be the death of you. Yeah, my Angel sometimes mistakes herself for a non-sugar coating, straight to the point bitch.
Other than missing Robins, no noteworthy events have taken place in the last couple of weeks. After that one crazy week, everything went back to normal. I became a blip on people’s radar again. Jaime has been surprisingly amicable and been giving Connor his own space. Meg has been sort of nice to me, and I think it has to do with the stupid space between Robins and me.
I haven’t seen Mason around campus, Dylan speaks to me in class but nothing further, and Christian is exactly the same. The only thing different is the soccer Gods acknowledge me. If I pass by them, I’m greeted with the Sup head nod. As for Aiden Keys, we were back to business as usual.
There has been no fallout, no retaliation, and no excitement. Just a comfortable two weeks with comfortable Connor. No interferences, no bashing, no nothing. Just two blissfully humdrum weeks with my new boyfriend. It’s as if everyone finally decided to mind their own business all at the same time. I even think Connor is growing on my suitemates. Natalie and Avery are coming around, which in theory should be fantastic because it is exactly what I asked for: my Connor bubble.
It’s mostly been just the two of us. Even when I got sick, Connor took care of me. Connor forced me to go to the campus doctor the second time. I lost those seven pounds I put on this summer, plus an extra three. It wasn’t on purpose. I just wasn’t hungry. The severe pains in my stomach took the hunger away and anything I did eat never settled well, especially anything deep fried or sugar-coated. So, I stayed away from food in general, eating just enough. I drank coffee and my stomach-calming ginger tea. I’ve drank more liquids and heated beverages than I ever have before, but nothing seems to help the pain. In addition, the lack of food is throwing my blood pressure out of whack. If I ate or drank, my blood pressure seemed to skyrocket, then plummet back down after a while. The doctor told me I was exper
iencing symptoms of an early ulcer. I’m advised against drinking coffee and warned to drink more water. I hate water, but I did start feeling better when I limited my coffee intake to once per day. I never liked water, so I just replaced my extra cups with some Gatorade or some of the bottled fruit infused water. As for the food, I’m in desperate need of some chicken fingers and honey mustard.
Other than that, everything has been perfect. Well, except for one thing… Connor's and my relationship has become stagnant. We’ve reached that point where he expects something more. He thinks he’s hidden it well, but he hasn’t. He has started to get frustrated with my lack of advancement. At first, he slept over almost every night, I filled my free time with him, and unfortunately, Robins’ space gave me plenty of free time. I realize now that drowning myself in my new relationship was a bad idea. We progressed much too quickly. If I stalled the sleepovers, maybe we wouldn’t be at this point so soon.
Now we are at the point where he avoids staying over. I think he is doing it to make me angry, but it backfired. I’m alleviated. As much as I have tried to convince myself otherwise over the last two weeks, I am just not ready. Frisky nights and innocent playing were about all I could give. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve considered the whole going further thing. It was a constant battle between my Vixen and Angel until we came to a consensus: Connor would be an attentive lover and he’d definitely teach me new things. If it were up to my Vixen, anytime he took his shirt off there would be a class, but something wasn’t right. I couldn’t. Not yet, which meant I had no choice but to tell him the truth.
Tonight, he had a whole night planned out. One month since we had our first non-official date. “Monthaversary,” he said. Monthaversaries are kind of stupid if you ask me. I don’t understand why people celebrate such a short time together. Since when is being together for one month an accomplishment? If that’s true, then it's kind of sad really, almost limiting. It’s like saying let’s celebrate this one month because I don’t know if we will make it a whole year. Hell, we don’t even know if we will make it to the three-month mark. If that’s the case, why not do a daily celebration?