by Isabel Morin
In my mailbox I find a letter from Harvard inviting me to interview. I read it through twice, but it’s like getting someone else’s good news—nice, but only mildly interesting. I shove the letter in my bag and don’t even bother to text anyone.
Audrey comes back before dinner and sticks her head in my room. “You coming?”
I shake my head and glance up from the book I’m not really reading. “I’m not hungry.”
I can feel her studying me. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I’m just not hungry right now.”
“You might as well spill it.”
“Casey’s coming by later, and I’m going to tell him we have to stop.”
“I know you like him, but it has to be done,” she says, sitting on my bed.
“It’s not just that. I went over there last night. I think he just wanted to talk because I’ve been kind of standoffish since the trip, but I told him I wanted to have sex.”
“Oh.”
“We were having an amazing time, and then this girl Lydia started banging on the door accusing him of standing her up.”
“Oh, Jesus.”
“He swore it was all a misunderstanding, that he told her he’d be watching the playoffs at a bar, and she got the wrong idea.”
“Do you believe him?”
“Yes, but it doesn’t matter. It was so awful, and it was like I was seeing my future self.”
“I’m sorry, Hannah.”
“The thing is, he wanted it to be special. He could tell I just wanted to get it over with, but he wouldn’t do it that way. He was really sweet, like he always is—” I start to cry.
She pulls me in for a hug. “I’m sorry I wasn’t home.”
I wipe my face with my sleeve like a six-year-old. “I didn’t want to bother you, anyway, especially when you were already mad at me.”
She doesn’t deny it, but she doesn’t seem mad at the moment. She’s probably relieved it’s finally over.
“Have you ever felt like you lost yourself in someone?” I ask. “Like you’d do anything to be with them?”
“No, thank God.”
“It was like I was someone else. Everything I knew about myself went right out the window.”
“I guess that would be scary, especially for you.”
“What do you mean, especially for me?”
“You like to understand and be in control of things. That’s what’s going to make you such a good doctor.”
“I suppose.”
“You sure you’re okay? I can go get dinner and eat here with you.”
“I’m too nervous to eat. But just so you know, he’s going to be here about nine.”
“I’ll make sure I’m not here,” she says, getting up.
“Actually, it would be great if you were here. I think maybe it’ll keep me from doing something stupid.”
“Okay, I’ll be here.”
After she leaves, I try to read again, but nothing is sticking in my head, so I switch to watching my laptop. Audrey comes back a little after eight and goes straight to her room. A little before nine, nauseous with nerves and nearly jumping out of my skin, I open the suite door so he knows he can come in.
I nearly tip my laptop to the floor when I hear the knock on the door, and then Casey’s standing in my room. He’s pale and unshaven, and he has dark circles under his eyes. All my systems of fight-or-flight rev up in me—my heartbeat is racing, I’m breathing faster, and all of a sudden, I have to pee.
“Come on in,” I say, putting my laptop aside.
But instead of sitting down he kneels in front of me and takes my hands in his. “I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept thinking—” he breaks off, his voice cracking. “I feel like I did something terrible.”
“You didn’t. I just…I can’t do this anymore.”
“I’m sorry about last night. If I’d known Lydia would think—”
“That’s not the only reason.”
I pull my hands from his and stand up, moving away from him. I can’t be close to him and say what I need to say. Already my resolve is slipping.
“I made a mistake. All of this is too distracting,” I say, trying to sound rational even as my voice rises in pitch.
He stands up, but he doesn’t try to come closer. “So we pretend last night didn’t happen?”
“I don’t know. I guess.” I’m starting to panic. “I didn’t expect it to be like that, and I can’t deal with it right now. I need to focus on my work.”
“We all need to do that, Hannah.”
Except he doesn’t need to, not really. It’s not like his dad is going to change his mind about bringing him into the family business.
“I can’t afford to screw up. I could ruin everything I’ve been working for.”
“I get that. But we could study together. Whenever you need time, all you need to do is say so.”
“I’m saying it now.”
It sounds so much worse than I meant it to.
His head snaps back, and he goes even paler. “Right. I guess that’s it then.”
He turns to go.
“We’ll still see each other, right?” I say. “I mean, it’s not like we can’t ever talk.”
When he turns back, the Casey I’ve known is already gone. His eyes are flat, his expression blank. “Sure, Hannah. It’ll be great.”
I stare at the door after he goes, stunned that I could talk to him the way I did, like it meant nothing to me to end it. There’s no relief in having made a clean break, only the sickening suspicion that I’ve sullied something that was good and clean.
Then anger starts to creep over me. What did he expect, anyway? I asked him for lessons, no strings attached, and I have a right to end them. How can he think I would overlook a girl banging on the door while we’re naked in his bed?
This year is too important for me to lose focus. I need to keep up my grades, and this morning proved that I’m in danger of screwing up even that. I was right to break it off.
But I can’t forget that last look he gave me. I never realized how much I counted on Casey looking at me as if I was the best part of his day.
I’m staring at my laptop when Audrey comes in a little while later.
“Are you okay?” she asks, sitting beside me.
“He hates me.”
“He’s probably just hurt. Anyway, at least it’s done now.”
“I think I’ll go to bed. I can’t think straight anyway.”
“All right. You know where I am if you want to talk.”
I don’t bother to brush my teeth or change my clothes. I lie down on the pillow I took from him, but the scent of tea tree is long gone.
…
The next day I start using the stairs farthest from his room, and I eat lunch in a different dining hall or at the food court so he can eat with his friends. We always ate breakfast and dinner at different times because of our schedules, so at least that doesn’t change.
I manage to avoid him, even while part of me desperately wants to see him. The thing is, I thought I’d confined Casey to a little box, but it wasn’t that way at all. Even when I didn’t see him, I thought about him and wondered what he was doing.
I go a whole week without seeing him, and then Thursday before my ethics class I head to the university store. I’m not thinking about much of anything except the things I need.
I stop dead in my tracks right outside the entrance as Casey appears from a path on the other side. I’m not even breathing when he looks up and catches sight of me. His smile is instantaneous.
Heat sweeps over me, and my knees go soft. Just like always.
And then he remembers. His smile flickers out, like I smothered it myself. He’s a blank wall, not so much as a crack for light to pass through.
I’m stil
l a student of Casey’s face.
He can’t ignore me when I’m standing only a few feet away, but he holds the door for me without meeting my eye, then quickly disappears down an aisle while I pretend to look for something in my backpack. As soon as he’s gone, I turn around and leave.
My whole body trembles with reaction, and I can’t seem to catch my breath. I’m seconds away from breaking apart, pieces of me flying in every direction. I need to be back in my room. I need to run in and tell him I didn’t mean anything I said last week.
But I don’t do either. I’m not even sure he’d want to hear anything I have to say. Instead I find an empty bench behind Briar, where I sit and concentrate on breathing until I’m calm enough to go to class.
The next couple of weeks are a blur of studying and classes. I work hard so I don’t have to think about anything else. I let Audrey drag me to a Halloween party, but I don’t dress up and I leave after half an hour, because I can’t help worrying that either Eric or Casey will show up. Late the next week I take a bus to Cambridge to interview at Harvard.
I haven’t been able to care about much lately but, as the highway signs flash by, the desire that always made me work so hard clicks on, like a pilot light being lit. This is for real, and I’m not going to ruin my chance at something that will affect my entire life.
I’m in the common room when Audrey comes home.
“How did it go?”
“Pretty well, I think. They didn’t ask me anything unexpected, and everyone seemed really nice. Now I have to wait and see.”
“You’ll get in. Who’s more qualified than you? You’re like, the opposite of a procrastinator. Is there a word for that?”
“I don’t know. Doctor?”
“Touché,” she grins, plopping down on the sofa. “How long are you going to work on that paper? Everyone’s heading to the club at nine.”
“Oh, right. That’s tonight.”
“Don’t you dare back out of this. You promised you’d go.”
“You could still go with Jen.”
“I thought you wanted to be a part of things this year. What happened to that?”
“Nothing happened,” I say. “But there are other things more important than a dance party. Plus I had a long day.”
“Oh. My. God. Do you hear how you sound?”
I make a face, but she’s right. For the brief time I was having lessons with Casey I felt like a twenty-one-year-old. Now I’m back to acting like an eighty-year-old woman. I like the idea of a dance party, I’m just not quite up for one tonight. I haven’t been up to much of anything since Casey.
Plus, I hate dancing in front of people.
“You’re forgetting who you’re talking to,” I say. “I pretended to twist my ankle so that I didn’t have to dance at my own bat mitzvah.”
“All the more reason to get out there. You don’t want to look back and realize you missed your last year.”
She’s right. I can’t let this Casey thing drive me back into hiding. I close my laptop and stand up. “Okay, I’ll go.”
This time I do my own makeup, and I’m not quite so shocked that I look pretty in the end. It’s nearly ten when we get to the club, and the main room is already packed full of sweaty college students dancing in the space in front of the stage. The flashing lights make everyone seem both stranger and sexier.
Unlike the disastrous party in September, I’ve eaten dinner and did not consume alcohol prior to my arrival. But I do need a drink or two to mellow me out, so I immediately order a hard cider.
My body starts to hum, and the music makes its way into my veins along with the alcohol. I’ve been cooped up and miserable way too long, and I want to feel alive again. By the time a Prince song comes on, I’m dragging Audrey onto the dance floor. I don’t care what I look like or who’s watching me. There’s only now, right this moment. Jen arrives and the three of us are laughing and sweaty, dancing like it’s our last chance on earth. One song bleeds into another and the floor shakes under my feet, vibrating through me, until we’re all one giant living thing moving together.
I stop only to drink some water and order another cider, and then I’m back on the dance floor, surrendering to the night. I dance with whatever guy comes over, because all I care about is moving. Eventually, they all find someone else to hit on, discouraged by my lack of interest. I don’t want anything right now but to be with my friends and disappear into the music.
I don’t see Casey until he pulls me back into his chest.
He’s moving slow and dirty behind me, and before I can say anything his mouth is on my neck. My body responds before my brain does, lighting up the way it always has when he’s near. But I’m not drunk enough to forget that Jen’s here.
I pull away and turn to him. “What are you doing?”
I can tell by his eyes and the way he stands that he’s drunk.
“I’m dancing with you. What’s the big deal?”
“Jen might see us.”
Thank goodness she’s getting a drink at the bar, so she hasn’t noticed us yet. I don’t know what to do. I’ve missed him so much, but this isn’t the way I wanted to see him again. I’m not thinking clearly, and it’s too public.
But Casey’s not asking my opinion. He grabs my hand and pulls me into the hallway that leads downstairs to the restrooms.
The look on his face…I’ve never seen it before, and I don’t know how to handle this version of him. My pulse kicks up. Anger, nerves, and maybe something more has me rounding on him.
“What is wrong with you?”
His eyes are blazing. “You don’t want anyone to see us? No one can see us now.”
His mouth is hot on mine, and the argument dies in my throat. The kiss is raw and desperate, so different from the ardent, seductive kisses he used to give me. There’s anger in it, too, like he wants to punish me. But when I close my eyes it’s Casey’s scent, his heart beating madly against mine. All I can think is more.
Somebody passes by us. “Hey, get a room!”
I barely hear it. I’m drowning in him. Let this be my world. We were always okay when it was only him and me.
Then a group of women comes through on the way to the restroom, stumbling and loud.
“Is that Casey?” one of them asks.
We jump apart at the sound of his name, but thank God they don’t stick around.
He’s flushed and breathing hard, but instead of the heavy, slumberous look he usually has after our kisses, he looks almost despairing.
“I’m not that guy, Hannah, I swear it. Not with you I’m not.”
“Casey…”
“Couldn’t you tell Jen and get it over with?”
“I told you before that she can’t ever know.”
“Why not?”
“Because she’s my friend, and I don’t want to lose her.”
“What if I don’t want to lose you?”
I steal myself against the tremor that runs through me. He means it, I can tell he does, but that’s not enough.
“You want to know why this won’t work? Because one night I’ll come knocking on your door, and you’ll be in there with someone else.”
“I would never do that. I haven’t even looked at anyone since the first time I kissed you.”
“I saw the text message from Carrie that day we drove to Baltimore.”
“What? Carrie’s my sister.”
“Oh really? Why was your sister texting you ‘Don’t forget tonight?’”
“I was supposed to call my mom during her birthday party.”
But I’m on a roll now.
“There are plenty of others, and I’m not going to make a fool of myself over you. If I was smart, I’d have stopped our lessons a long time ago.”
“They were never just lessons.”
“It doesn
’t matter. I’m not going to be one of the zillion girls you’re trying to avoid.”
“Why is it so hard to believe I could be faithful to you? So I’ve fooled around. I’m twenty-one, okay? But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”
“You didn’t even talk to me last year. If my skin hadn’t cleared up, you wouldn’t be giving me the time of day.”
He stares at me, shocked by the accusation. “You never even looked me in the eye before. It was like you were praying I wouldn’t notice you.”
Oh God. I want to deny it, but it’s true. I just never realized anyone else noticed.
“You wouldn’t have been attracted to me then, even if I had looked you in the eye.”
He looks furious and scared and confused, all the things I’m feeling. “Fine. I’m as shallow as the next guy, so maybe I wouldn’t have hit on you. But that would have been my loss, wouldn’t it?”
“I’m sorry, Casey,” I say. I’m suddenly so tired I could cry, and I can’t muster any more anger. “I can’t do this. I don’t even feel like myself anymore.”
“Hannah.”
His face is taut with misery, pale in the harsh fluorescent light. I want to reach out to him, but I still have some instinct for self-preservation, even though it feels like I’m tearing myself in two.
“I’d better go.” I can’t stand to see my own misery mirrored in his face. I turn away, and I don’t look back.
Behind me Casey swears and kicks the wall.
I’m shaking, and the thought of going into the crowded room makes me sick to my stomach. But I need to at least tell my friends I’m going. I make my way to the main room and scan the crowd until I find Audrey at the bar.
She turns when I come up beside her, breaking off her conversation. “There you are.” She takes a last gulp of her beer and pushes away from the bar. “Let’s get out of here.”
“What about Jen?”
Audrey’s face is grim. “She’s gone.”
The flat way she says it sends a bolt of dread to my stomach, but I don’t say another word until we’re outside on the street.