by Dalia Wright
Ruth stared at Jamie with wide eyes. They had put a lot of thought into it.
“Alright.”
Why does this feel wrong?
It wasn’t wrong, was it? I’m just borrowing the clothes to blend in. She didn’t want to deal with anyone judging her. That was all. Right? Yes. But was that just what she was telling herself? Or was it the truth?
She took the clothes without thinking about it and changed into them quickly. Jamie had picked out a pair of jeans and a black tank top, she also brought the same bra Ruth had used last night.
“You look beautiful,” Jamie said as Ruth pulled the dress over the clothes and tied her hair into a bun.
“Danka. I mean-”
“No.” Jamie held up a hand. “I know what you mean, and you’re welcome.” She smiled softly.
Ruth’s cheeks flushed.
“Are you ready?”
Ruth nodded, not trusting her words suddenly. No, she wasn’t ready. She had to walk past her parents pretending that nothing was going on and she had no clue if she was going to break down and confess herself.
She had no clue if they were going to see right through her. But she took a deep breath and forced herself to head for the door.
In the light Ruth was able to get a good look at the boy who had wanted to see her again. He was a foot taller than her, today he wore a black sweater and a pair of jeans. He closed the distance between them the second he saw them heading towards him.
“Hey,” he grinned sheepishly.
“Hi.”
Jamie cleared her throat. “We’re uh, going to… go… over there.” Jamie pointed towards the park. “We’ll be there, if you need us.”
Ruth’s heart skipped a beat. She hadn’t realized they were going to leave her.
“O-okay.”
They gave her a smile before walking away.
Dean cleared his throat. “I think you just got set up on a date.” He said. “And judging by the look on your face you didn’t realize it was happening.”
“I… I had no clue,” Ruth admitted.
“I’m sorry, when I was texting with Nat… I thought she would have mentioned it to you.”
“No need to be sorry.” She kept speaking English, and it was getting easier and easier - now she hardly had to remind herself- but it didn’t sound right.
Dean motioned for her to follow him as he led the way. Ruth’s eyes widened as they made their way to the top of the hill. “Wow.” She whispered. It was amazing. She’d never seen anything like it. Despite the fact that the sand was perfect and the waves rolled in gently no one else was there.
“Not a lot of people know about it.” He said. “But I like to come here every now and then. I used to with my family.”
Dean led her down to the beach. He paused just long enough for her to slip out of her shoes, the warm sand slipping between her toes.
“I’m really glad you agreed to see me again,” he said.
“I’m glad you wanted to see me again.”
“Nat said you’re a long drive away.”
Ruth nodded. Knowing that, why did you want to see me again? She wondered. She didn’t dare ask. Fearing she might no like the answer.
Dean slid a backpack off his shoulders and sat down. He opened it, pulling out a water bottle and handing it to her. “I uh, was going to have a picnic, but I didn’t have time to make anything special, so, here.” He pulled out a wrapped sandwich as well.
“This is more than enough.” Ruth took it, his warm hand touching hers for a fraction of a second as she did. Her cheeks flushed as her heart did a backflip. Dean smiled pulling one out for himself as well.
“How have you been enjoying the trip?” he asked.
“It’s been… interesting.” Ruth had no way to describe how it had been. “But I’m enjoying it.”
They talked as they ate, getting to know each other. Ruth was careful about how much she gave away, instead listening to Dean tell her about what it was like working on cars, about his family, and his dog who he proudly admitted was his best friend. “I wanted to bring him, but he’s pretty sick. The walk wouldn’t have done him any good; and car rides make him sick.” He explained. “But maybe some other time you can meet him.”
“I’d love that.” Ruth said, her heart racing. I’d love that more than I want to admit.
Dean reached out and took her hand. Her heart skipped a beat. She had no idea how she was supposed to react. She knew she should pull away. But I don’t want to. She thought. She didn’t. She wanted to let him hold her hand. She turned to him.
“There’s something about you,” he said. “Something that just makes you seem different than everyone else.”
Ruth’s heart skipped a beat. She pulled her hand away from his.
“No,” she said quickly. “No different than anyone else.”
Dean stared at her, his eyes burning into hers.
How did he figure it out? What did I do wrong?
“No, there is something about you… something…”
“Nee,” Ruth said quickly. Her heart dropped into the pit of her stomach. She felt a tear touch the corner of her eyes. There she had it. She’s ruined everything with just one word. “I mean, no.” She tried to say, her voice breaking. “There’s…” She blew out a deep breath. What was the point? She’d already screwed up. Ruined everything.
She looked down, a tear rolling down her cheek. She ruined everything, and now he’d know the truth. He’d know that she wasn’t normal, and he’d be done with her. After all, who would want to date an Amish girl?
“What did you just say?” His voice was soft.
“Nothing.” Ruth snapped.
“No… you…” He was quiet for a long time. “Jamie and Natasha have cousins who are Amish.” Ruth wasn’t sure if he was telling her, or if he was trying to ask if she was one of them, but she just stood there. She could feel the tears sliding down her cheeks, splashing down onto the ground.
“Yea, I know they’ve mentioned it before. I know they said their mom was raised Amish for a little while.” He sounded deep in thought.
It’s all over now. He’d realized what she was. I shouldn’t have even bothered.
Ruth knew now, she should have just said no when they invited her out. She shouldn’t have agreed to see Dean again. She should have just kept to herself and not gotten wrapped up in any of this English stuff.
“I always thought that was really cool.”
His words sent a shiver down Ruth’s spine. She looked up at him, her eyes wide. “Y-you did?”
“Yea, I mean… I don’t know much about the culture, but I always wanted to learn more about it. Of course Jamie and Nat have never met their cousins, unless….” He raised an eyebrow. “Are you one of them?”
Ruth’s cheeks burned. It’s not or never. She knew it was the truth, but she didn’t know what she was supposed to say. Nee. I do.
“Jah.”
She stared at him, watching his reaction. A smile spread across his lips. “See, I told you, you’re different than everyone else.”
Ruth’s cheeks flushed, burning. “What if I don’t want to be different?”
“Too bad.”
Ruth felt her heart drop into the pit of her stomach. She had been so hopeful that she’d be able to be normal. With him.
“Anyways, being normal is no fun. It’s more important that you are who you are.”
“Even if that’s Amish?”
“Yes.” He reached out and touched her hand, their fingers tangling together.
Ruth’s heart skipped a beat. What have I gotten myself into?
“Do you know when you have to leave yet?”
“Y-jah.” Ruth didn’t bother editing herself, he knew the truth now- what was the point in trying to hide it?
Dean smiled, his eyes sparkling. “So, that means yes?”
Ruth nodded.
“And… what was it you said earlier? Nee?”
Ruth nodded.
“What else?”
“What? That we say differently than you?” Her heart ached as she said it. We’re different. She reminded herself.
Dean nodded.
“Well…” Ruth thought about it. “I don’t know everything.” They’d learnt a couple English words in school, just to make sure they understood it, and some of the books Ruth had read had been written in English. “Baby, you guys say baby. We say bobbeli.” Ruth sounded it out, nice and slow for him.
He nodded taking it all in.
Ruth’s mind raced as she bit her lip. Dean sat down, pulling Ruth with him. They sat on the grass, she was thankful for the pants she wore today, not having to worry about the way the dress normally shifted when she sat.
“Tell me more.” He asked.
“I…” Ruth wasn’t even sure where to start.
They talked for an hour before Jamie came back, Natasha at her side. “You ready to head home?”
“Jah,” Ruth jumped to her feet. It felt refreshing to be able to speak normally. Both girls’ eyes widened in front of her. She just smiled before turning to Dean.
“I’ll see you around?”
Ruth nodded. I hope so. She thought. She didn’t dare say she had no clue.
“Good. I want to see you before you leave.” He reached out and took her hand, pulling her close to him. His eyes locked on her.
Ruth’s heart skipped a beat. Gott, please guide me. She prayed.
His arms wrapped around her without warning, pulling her close to him. She surprised herself as her arms wrapped around his neck.
“I’ll see you around,” he whispered before pulling away. It sounded like a promise more than anything.
“Jah,” Ruth said. Please let that be true.
She turned to her cousins and led the way. She didn’t dare turn around, she was already resisting the urge to turn back there and go back to him. She couldn’t stop thinking about the way his arms had felt holding her. She wanted to feel that again. Not from just anyone. From him.
“Soo…” Jamie waited until they were out of ear shot. “What happened?”
“I mis-spoke.”
“And?” Natasha butt in, pressing herself close to Ruth.
“And what?”
“What happened? What did he say?”
“He asked if I was your Amish cousin.”
“And you said yes?”
“Well, nee. I said ‘jah’ because there wasn’t really any point in not using what I was used to.”
“You didn’t lie?”
“Nee, there was no point in it. He’d know I was lying.”
“So then what happened?”
The girls hung off every word Ruth said.
“He asked me what words we said differently.”
“That’s it?” Jamie asked.
Ruth nodded.
“Really?”
Again, Ruth nodded.
“That’s so like him.” Natasha said. “I could tell he was into you the second he saw you.”
Jah, as an Englisher. What would happen now that he knew she wasn’t normal? He said it was good, but would he change his mind as soon as he realized what was so different about her?
“I bet he’s gone home to google it right now.”
Ruth’s brow furrowed. “Google?”
“Uh, search, on the internet…. You um, do know what the internet is, right?”
Ruth laughed softly. “Jah, I know.” She’d never used it, or seen it used but she had heard of it before. In truth, the idea confused her a little, and she would love to see what it actually was and how it really did work- but she at least knew what it was.
They came to a stop just as they were about to turn on to the street where the house was.
Natasha got the hint and pulled Ruth’s dress out of her purse.
Ruth slipped into it quickly, thankful it was a little bit too long so her parents wouldn’t be able to see the bottom of her jeans.
Together, her and her cousins fell back into pace and headed for the house.
“So, you like him don’t you?”
Ruth didn’t need to ask what they meant. Even Amish girls used the word ‘like’ in that way.
“Jah, I do.” She admitted to herself and her cousins. “Not that it matters, we’ll be leaving soon.”
Ruth felt her heart sink into the pit of her stomach. She didn’t want to leave him. She didn’t want to have to say goodbye. I haven’t been baptised yet. Ruth thought. It was true.
“If you leave…” Jamie said, as if she had been reading her cousins mind. “Would you be shunned like Grandma?”
“Nee.” Ruth swallowed dryly. “I haven’t been baptized yet.” She caught the look of confusion out on her cousins faces. They don’t know our customs. Ruth would have thought that Grace would have at least told them about this. “A person is baptized when they decide they are ready to commit to the life; normally this is after Rumaschpring for most.”
“But you didn’t take part in it.” Jamie cut her off.
“Nee, I didn’t. But my parents wanted me to wait a little longer, I think they wanted to me to be baptized with my husband, which I haven’t found yet.” Ruth cleared her throat, ignoring the feeling in her heart when she thought about marrying. “Your Maemm was still young when she left, which meant she hadn’t been baptized. Her Maemm on the other hand, had been baptized and married. She left her family. For that she was shunned.”
“But mom-”
“Wasn’t.” Ruth cut her off. “You have to fully commit before you can be shunned.”
“Mom never told us that.” Natasha sounded hurt. “We… we could have been visiting you guys all this time.”
Jah, I guess you could have.
“So, grandma is shunned though, what does that even mean?”
“Yea,” Jamie piped in. “They don’t talk about it very much.”
“It means Maemmi broke her baptismal vows.” Ruth paused, working through how she was going to explain this. “When you do that, you’re sometimes given the choice to admit that what you did was wrong, and you would be welcomed back to good graces.”
“But grandma didn’t?”
“No. She left.” Ruth paused. “I don’t know the details about why she left. All I know is that she must not have wanted to stay. She could have, if she’d admitted what she did was wrong. When you’re shunned it’s not that you’re not allowed to be there, you are. You just… there are things the others can’t do. They can’t eat with you, or do business with you, they can’t even accept things from you.”
“Wow,” the girls said in unison.
“I never realized that,” Jamie whispered. “I always thought when she was shunned…”
“She was kicked out or something.” Natasha finished her sentence. “When I was little I used to get nightmares about them being chased by a bunch of Amish people with pitchforks.” She said it so seriously Ruth stopped in her tracks.
She spun to look at her cousin. The look on her face must have conveyed what she was thinking.
“What? I was little.” Natasha said quickly. “And mom and grandma didn’t talk about it a lot.”
Ruth didn’t say anything. She couldn’t help smiling a little as she herself got the mental image. “Deatt was broken up over it. He missed them so much, but he couldn’t bring himself to go with them when they asked him to. He had to stay with his deatt.”
It must have been so hard on everyone.
What could Maemmi have done that was so bad she decided to leave? What could have been worth it?
“Do you know why she did it?” Ruth asked, hoping her cousins might have some idea.
“No.” They both shook their heads.
I guess I will never know. She thought. Not that it was her place to know.
“So, if you and Dean got together. Jamie brought her back to reality as they made their way up the driveway. “You wouldn’t be shunned?”
“Nee.”
“Then what’s stopping you?” Na
tasha asked.
Just because I won’t be shunned doesn’t mean no one's heart will be broken.
But Ruth didn’t answer. Her fingers curled around the handle and she opened the door.
Her parents and Grace turned to stare at her and her cousins.
“Joshua is on his way to pick us up,” her father said.
Ruth’s heart dropped, aching as if it had shattered. She felt her knees go weak.
“Nee,” she whispered. Her hand jumped to her lips the second she realized she’d spoken.
Everyone turned to her.
“Nee?” Her father raised an eyebrow.
Without another word Ruth rushed from the room.
“Ruth!” Natasha called after her. She heard Grace tell everyone to let her go.
The door slammed behind Ruth as she flopped down onto the bed, tears rolling down her eyes. I shouldn’t be upset. She knew it was the truth. She’d seen it coming. She knew she would have to go back home. But a small part of her had been hoping that they would stay a little longer at least. As long as she could really. Ruth gasped for breath as more tears ran down her cheeks. She stared down at her dress. She pulled it off her, tossing it onto the ground. There was so much she wanted to do still. No. Not a lot, just one thing. She wanted to spend time with Dean.
Ruth pulled the dress off her. There she stood in English clothes when the door opened. Ruth looked up, for a split second wondering if she should try to cover herself or not.
Her mother stood in the doorway. Above all else, she didn’t look surprised.
She closed the door behind her and walked into the room.
Ruth sat there, frozen. What is going to happen now? She may not be able to be shunned but that didn’t mean her parents couldn’t punish her.
Her mother carefully picked up the dress, folded it and set it down on the back of the bed before sitting down beside. Katherine looked at her daughter, a tight smile over her lips. Her eyes looked sad.
“You’ve been borrowing your cousins clothing, I see.” Ruth opened her mouth to protest, to defend her cousins. They hadn’t forced her into anything. They shouldn’t be given trouble. “And I’m guessing it would be a safe bet that you’ve met a boy?”