by Dalia Wright
Jessica could feel her pulse quicken as she realized what was about to come next.
“Mary,” Jessica headed towards the sink, dishes in her hand. “Why were you worried about me when I was out with Kevin?”
“Jessica…” Mary sounded so hurt. “You have to understand, that boy has grown us here all his life…. I know it may be hard for you to trust me when I tell you this, but he is no gut. It would be best, safest, for you to avoid him at all costs.”
Jessica turned to see Mary blushing as she helped clear off the table.
“Why?”
She didn’t understand. Mary hadn’t lost her temper since Jessica had been living here.
“He’s a cruel man,” Mary stared down at the table. “He’ll take advantage of you. Like he has others.”
“Others?” Jessica’s mind raced to process what Mary was saying. Kevin isn’t cruel. He’s nice… he’s one of the nicest people I’ve met. He understands what I’m going through.
Mary nodded, letting out a soft sigh. “You’re not the first girl from our community he’s tried to take advantage of.”
Jessica’s heart skipped a beat. There were other girls? So he did actually try to take advantage of girls? Her gut knotted and for a split second she felt like she might be sick.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to have to tell you… I just… I can’t stand the idea of you getting hurt by him when I could protect you. That’s what a mother is supposed to do.”
Mother.
The word shook her. Not because she didn’t like it, but because for all rights, Mary had become her stepmother.
“No, don’t be sorry. Danka for telling me.” Jessica could feel emotion overwhelming her. She knew now that he was no good, but that didn’t take away how happy he’d made her. She took a deep breath and forced a smile over her lips before turning to the counter, and the stack of dishes that sat there waiting for her.
“Promise me you won’t see him again.”
When she finished the dishes, Jessica joined the family outside, although she didn’t have a smile on her face like the rest of them. She couldn’t stop thinking about what Mary had told her. How could Kevin take advantage of someone? She wished she knew the whole story, but didn’t dare ask for it.
Jessica closed her eyes.
Gott, please guide me. I have no clue what to do… I’m so torn. I liked Kevin so much. It was the first time in a long time that I actually wanted to see someone else again, but now finding this out about him… I’m not sure what to do. It’s not that I don’t believe Mary- it’s just…
She had this urge to see him. Just the thought of seeing him made her heart skip a beat. Then, she’d remember that he wasn’t who he’d tried to tell her he was, and she’d fell for it. Gott, I don’t want to admit that he would do something like that… I… I just thought… She blew out a deep breath. Was it really so wrong to think that he was honestly just a nice person?
Clearly, it was.
Jessica stood, giving up hope on humanity for the night. She headed to bed, despite the fact that she wasn’t very tired. When her head hit the pillow. she didn’t fall asleep- no it took her hours before she finally fell asleep, and when she did it was a restless night.
Glass broke all around them. Jessica could feel it dig into her skin but that didn’t matter. That wasn’t why she was screaming.
She forced her eyes shut but that didn’t help. The car tipped over, again and again, rolling. Jessica held onto the door as tightly as she could, as if her life depended on it- because it did.
Please, don’t let me die. Don’t let us die. She prayed.
Prayers that weren’t answered.
She felt someone touch her, someone wrap their arms around her, pulling her out of the car wreck.
Jessica’s eyes snapped open as she gasped for breath. Her heart raced as she remembered that night.
They’d said she got off lucky. That she was lucky. Those words had made her want to hit something. They’d made her want to scream, but she hadn’t been able to waste the energy. She hadn’t even been able to move. Not because of the cuts or scrapes, they were right. If she’d been worried about coming out of the crash with major injuries she had been lucky, but she wasn’t worried about that. She’d been worried about living without the only two people she had ever counted on.
Jessica lay there in bed, still breathing deep as she tried to calm her nerves.
Chapter Four
The next day passed in slow motion, and when Kevin arrived at lunch Jessica thought she might actually be sick. She couldn’t make eye contact with him. Both anger and hurt boiling up inside her.
“Hi,” he said with a wicked smile.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to see if you were free for lunch.” His utter honesty made her heart skip a beat.
“Sorry, no.” She said, maybe a little too quickly as she turned away from him.
“No worries,” he said. He didn’t sound mad at all, “I guess I’ll see you after closing then?”
“Actually, that won’t work either,” she said, glancing over at John, who was watching the entire thing with stiff shoulders. “Something came up.”
She knew it was bad to lie, but she didn’t know what else to say. She couldn’t tell him that her foster parents had told her that he was no good.
So she just walked away without saying another word.
Jessica’s heart sank into the pit of her stomach as she walked away from the man she’d been planning to hang out with. No, not just planning – excited to hang out with. It took everything she had to walk out of the building without looking back, but she knew she wouldn’t want to see the look on his face.
Jessica didn’t really remember the entire walk home. Her mind wandered aimlessly, and for the first time in a long time, she was lost. She felt alone, despite the fact that she had an entire family waiting for her at the house. When she entered the small house, the scent of apple pie filled her lungs.
Mary was at the counter, getting lunch ready. “We’ll have to make more bread tonight. With the rate we’ve been going through it, we won’t have any left in a couple days.”
Jessica still didn’t fully understand why they didn’t just buy bread if they were running low – it took hours to make it, but she never asked. She figured it was none of her business if they wanted to make or buy it. She knew it was part of the lifestyle, she just didn’t understand why.
Anna gave Jessica a soft smile. “You look… out of it.”
“I… I guess I’m just not feeling well.” She said tentatively. She didn’t want to admit what was actually wrong.
Mary glanced over at her. “Is everything alright?”
“Jah,” Jessica nodded as quickly as she could. But the family eyed her, clearly not believing her.
She turned away from them, guilty twisting at the pit of her stomach. As the day went on she just kept feeling like more of a bad person.
Gott, what am I supposed to do? She prayed.
Praying had never been big on Jessica’s to-do list, until she started staying here. She wasn’t sure what it was about it, because really all she did was kind of have a conversation with herself, but it left her feeling better. It left her feeling… heard. It made her feel like someone had listened to her, and someone cared about her.
It hadn’t been something Jessica ever thought of doing before she came here, but praying had been more therapeutic then she ever realized it would be, or would have believed.
Everyone gathered around the table except John, who was still working. They ate lunch in silence. The entire time Jessica dreaded going back to that store, where she could run into Kevin again and where she would have to come up with another excuse to stay away from him. As she stood up and took her plate to the sink, Mary cleared her throat.
“Katie,” she turned to the second oldest daughter, “why don’t you go help your father in the shop?”
“Really? You’ll let me?”
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“Jah.”
The girl jumped to her feet so quickly that the chair she’d been sitting on fell to the ground. Quickly, she picked it up and rushed her plate over to the sink. Jessica held her hand out for it with a smile, silently offering to rinse it off for her.
“Danka,” the girl muttered quickly, before almost sprinting out of the house.
Jessica couldn’t help smiling as she watched the girl, overly excited, rush to help her father. Katie was a bit of a daddy’s girl and always wanted to help out in the shop, but their parents said she was too young to deal with the customers. After all, sometimes they got rather rude English men in there. Jessica’s brow furrowed as the youngest daughter stood, padded to the counter where Jessica took her plate and headed outside. Why did she send Katie? Jessica was sure Mary had a reason for it, she just wasn’t sure what it was.
When it was just Mary, Anna and Jessica, Mary finally spoke.
“Are you sure you’re feeling alright, Jessica?”
“Jah, I guess it must just be the heat.” The dresses, although thin, were hotter than she was used to. Booty shorts was something she had to admit she missed about the English world, at least to herself. But never to anyone else.
“You should stay home, then. I’m sure John will be able to manage with Katie.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want-” She didn’t want to disappoint him after everything that the family had done for her.
“Katie will love it,” Anna said, cutting her off.
Jessica smiled softly. She knew that was true, but she still felt bad. She wanted the family to feel like they could count on her.
“Would you two mind going out to keep an eye on Grace?”
Both girls knew it wasn’t actually a question. They nodded, heading outside and sitting down on the front porch, watching as the little girl’s friends headed towards her. Although the girls were, young they still had to contribute to the house, and that often meant helping to clean, or in Grace’s case, weeding the garden. She and her friends often had a lot of fun with it, which made everything even better as far as Jessica was concerned. Anna agreed that letting the little ones learn to enjoy doing chores would be best overall, considering they would have to be doing them for a long time.
“Jessica, are you sure you’re okay?” Anna asked softly.
“Nee, to be honest, I’m not sure I’m close to okay,” Jessica admitted.
“What is it that you’re struggling with?”
“It’s… Kevin.” She could feel her cheeks burn as she said his name.
“Ach.”
“Please, don’t tell your parents. I know they are only trying to protect me; I don’t want them to feel like I am angry with them.” She knew they would never try to hurt her; she was just having a hard time separating herself from him.
“What is it about him?”
What wasn’t it? The way he made her heart skip a beat, the hurt on his face when she turned him down, the way he’d made her so happy yesterday. The way he knows what I’m going through.
Jessica shook her head.
“I’m not sure… just this… pull to him.”
When she said it, the words shocked her but she realized she was totally right. It was this pull that made her want to be close to him.
“Is that what you truly feel?”
There was no judgment in Anna’s voice as she said it, just a simple question.
“I think so, jah.”
Anna nodded, listening.
“But I know, he’s not a gut mann. I know that he’s hurt people, I know… he’s wrong.”
“It is not my place to judge, but perhaps he’s not wrong. Maybe that pull you feel is Gott pushing you two together.”
Jessica bit her lip. How could that be the case? If Kevin was bad news why would Gott send him to her?
“Tell me something, I know it is none of my business, but your maemm said that he’d taken advantage of girls from the community before… what did she mean?”
“She means Sarah, probably. Though any girl who goes to the shop while he’s there often feels stared at. After what happened with Sarah, a lot of the girls stopped coming to the shop.”
“What happened with Sarah?”
Anna looked around, as if to me sure they weren’t being listened to. “Please, don’t tell her I told you this,” Jessica nodded. This was for her to know what kind of man Kevin was, not to use against someone or ever bring up again, “When we were little, Sarah used to spend a lot of time at the shop with myself and Katie. We’d play house, and he would come in with his grandma. We’d let him play with us, and he grew close to Sarah. No one knows what happened, but one time they were alone… no one knows what happened but… she burst into tears once he and his grandma had left. Deatt rushed her home, and when he came back he was mad as could be about something. He told us then and here that Kevin couldn’t play with us anymore.”
Jessica’s stomach knotted and for a second she thought she’d be sick. How could I have spent an afternoon with someone like that?
“And that’s not all… when we were younger, about 14, he’d flirt with Julia, a girl that worked at the shop for a while to help pay for her mother’s medicine. One day he asked her to go out on a walk… the next day, she quit the job at the shop without giving a reason.”
Jessica sat there dumbfounded. How could this be so?
Emotion overwhelmed her body, threatening to burst through. She took a deep breath controlling herself. She’d had so much hope for Kevin. She wanted to get to know him; she’d wanted to be his friend.
Jessica stood, straightening herself. “I’d like to go for a walk. Please let your maemm know for me.”
“Are you-?”
Jessica didn’t let Anna finish asking if she was okay before she walked away, as fast as she could without running.
She didn’t really realize where she was going until she stood outside the door of the big white building. Although the Amish community she lived in was simple, it did have a beautiful church. Amish were not supposed to behave vainly, but it seemed everyone took at least a little pride in how beautiful their church was. As she made her way up the steps she remembered the first time she’d been. She had been speechless as the family led her through the doors she now stepped through.
Comfort washed over her.
She walked up the red carpet.
“Jessica,” Dave’s voice was soft, surprised, as she turned from where he was wiping down the benches.
“Hi…” Jessica looked around, unsure of why she was really here. It’s like my feet just moved without my body thinking about it.
“What’s wrong, child?”
“I…” Jessica took a deep breath. What would he say if she told him the truth? “I’m not sure how I got here.” She confessed.
This seemed to get his attention. He stepped away from the pew that he’d been cleaning and padded towards her.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean… I intended to go for a walk to clear my head, but I didn’t realize I was here until I stepped outside the door.”
“Maybe the Lord has guided you to somewhere you can clear your head. Come, sit. Tell me what is on your mind.”
Jessica moved towards the pastor, sitting down beside him. She folded her hands over her lap and stared downwards.
“I… I want to spend time with someone… who might not be a gut person. When I’m with them, it’s like… I’m happy.”
“Are you not normally happy?”
“Nee, I am! It’s just… different.” When she was with Kevin, she smiled like she had before her parents died.
The pastor was quiet for a couple of seconds as he thought about what she had just said. “And you’ve prayed about this?”
“Yes.”
“What did the Lord say?”
“He… I’m not sure he answered me.”
“Pray again and you will find your answer. Gott wants happiness for everyone, he will show you the w
ay and he will keep you safe.”
Will he really? She didn’t dare voice it. “Danka.”
“Mary says you will be staying with us.”
“Jah, I… I know it will be a long process but I’m committed to it. I’d like to spend my life here, after all the peace it has given me, and the support.”
Dave smiled. “We will be happy to have you. And I am sure that you will become a model member of community.”
The words lifted Jessica’s heart in a way she never thought they would. “Danka. For listening, and for your kind words but I do not want to keep you from your tasks at hand.” Jessica stood. She gave the pastor a smile and he walked her to the door.
Back to walking, Jessica was left to her own thoughts. Gott, will you really keep me safe? She asked. Am I really worth your attention? Is the pastor right? Will you lead me to happiness, or are you testing me? Jessica was sure that if Gott were to test her strongly enough she would fail. She hated admitting it even to herself, but she knew that she did not have the faith. Yet. That will change.
“Jessica! Anna said you’d gone for a walk. We were worried.”
“I’m sorry to worry you again, I just… needed to speak to Pastor Dave.”
Mary raised an eyebrow, concern written over her face. Jessica’s smile widened, trying to let the woman know that everything was okay. “I’ve been thinking long and hard about my path in life, that is all.”
“Does this mean you have doubts about joining us?” Anna asked.
“Nee, that more than ever is something I know will be best for me.” Maybe it had been Gott who led her to the church, maybe not but it had been exactly what she needed. Whether it had been Gott or not, Jessica had come to find faith in the church, and that was something that was helping her get through the day. She sat down beside Anna and Mary.
Mom, dad, I hope you can hear me. She closed her eyes tightly. I hope you can hear my prayers because I need help. I don’t know what to do, I need guidance. Mom you used to help me with any trouble I had. You used to be there for me all the time, and I believe you’re still there for me. She opened her eyes, letting out a deep breath. She knew praying to her parents would only keep them in her memory and make it harder for her to move on, but she still found herself doing it often. A sense of calm overcame her, her heart rate lowering.