by Dalia Wright
“Yes,” said Martha, looking down, feeling embarrassed although she didn’t know exactly why. She just hadn’t planned on talking to anyone about being Amish. She’d thought she’d just come and observe the whole night without getting into any deep conversations, yet here she was, talking to a gorgeous man who probably knew her whole story.
Jack seemed to read Martha’s thoughts, and quickly jumped in, “Can I get you a drink? I’ll take you on a tour of the house, too. I live here with my family. My parents are out of town, though,” he added with a grin. Martha marveled at his perfectly straight, white smile.
“Yes please, that sounds nice,” she said, relaxing a little bit, and followed Jack toward the kitchen, where he handed her a beer. Martha had never drank alcohol before, but was pleasantly surprised to find that she liked it.
That was how it all started; just the drink and the tour of the house. But as they strolled around and chatted, Martha couldn’t believe how natural it felt, how easily the conversation flowed. Soon they found themselves sitting outside in the backyard by a small fire, with Jack sharing more about his life. He was finishing his last year of high school, and planned on going to trade school afterwards to become an electrician. That was how he knew Mark; Mark was an electrician at his high school and Jack had become sort of an apprentice. Although Martha knew nothing about this or even about high school, she found herself opening up to Jack, telling him what she loved about her community, and what she struggled with. They discovered that they were both religious and had similar values, despite leading such different lives.
Time flew by talking to Jack, and Martha hadn’t even noticed how late it was until Sadie walked into the backyard and sat down next to her. “I don’t want to interrupt, but it’s late and Mark is ready to go home,” Sadie said, smiling kindly at Martha.
“Of course,” said Martha, just now looking around outside and into the house and seeing that almost all of the other party guests had already left. She felt as if she’d been in a trance. She didn’t know if she had been talking to Jack for minutes or hours, but she knew she wouldn’t mind gazing into his eyes forever. She stood up, and Jack stood too. “It was lovely meeting you,” she said, not quite knowing how to part with this man she had only just met.
Jack wrapped his arms around Martha, pulling her into his warm embrace. She could feel his lean, muscular body through his shirt, and couldn’t help but picture him without it. “You’re spending the night at Mark’s house?” he asked her. “You’ll still be staying with him tomorrow, right?”
“Yes,” said Martha, feeling extremely thankful that her parents had granted her some freedom.
“Good,” said Jack, his beautiful smile spreading across his face again. “May I call you at Mark’s tomorrow, then? I’d love to spend some more time together and take you out.”
Martha barely knew anything about dating in the English world; in her Amish community courtship mostly took place at church events. But she knew for sure that she wanted to see Jack again, and she nodded excitedly. “I would love that,” she said, smiling.
Chapter 3
The next few days were like something out of a dream, too perfect to be real. Jack took Martha out to dinner, to lunch, and to a movie, all new experiences for her, but mostly they spent the days just walking around and talking. Martha had never felt so compatible or understood by someone, which was odd because there was so much of Jack’s world, the English world, which she didn’t understand. Still, Jack was so kind, funny, caring, and handsome that her different background didn’t seem to affect their relationship.
For their first date, Jack took Martha out for a walk around town before taking her to dinner. As they strolled around, Jack pointed out his favorite places: parks he played at as a child, fields where he played soccer with his friends, his past and present school. These places offered Martha insight into Jack’s life and some understanding of growing up in the English world. While they walked, Jack also asked Martha questions about her life: what games she’d played as a child, what growing up with three younger siblings was like, and she could tell that he truly cared about getting to know her too.
At dinner, Jack was polite, pulling out Martha’s chair and patiently explaining what different foods were that she hadn’t heard of before. Their conversations flowed and Jack made Martha laugh in a way she hadn’t laughed before. It was so easy being happy and carefree around Jack, and she loved the way it felt.
Growing up in her Amish community, Martha had never thought much about the way she looked. The community cared about faith, values, and hard work, not about beauty and other seemingly frivolous things. So the night after their first day together, when Jack embraced Martha again, but kissed her gently on the lips as he pulled away, she was surprised at first.
“You’re so beautiful,” he had whispered to her.
Martha had blushed, but it felt surprisingly good to be complimented in that way, to feel desired. They shared more passionate kisses later that night and in the days that followed. There was such a spark between them, a chemistry that made Martha bold and confident, ready to explore a physical and emotional relationship as she never had before.
But as much as Martha was starting to fall in love with Jack, she didn’t exactly feel the same about the English world in general. Even though Mark lived in a fairly quiet area, the cars going by annoyed and sometimes frightened Martha, and the lights in the streets kept her up at night even when she closed the curtains. If it wasn’t for Jack, she would have gone home after a couple of nights. All the modern technologies and amenities seemed like more trouble than they were worth, and seemed to add an extra layer of stress onto everyone’s lives. She missed the simplicity of her Amish life.
After talking to Mark’s girlfriend, Jessica, Martha realized that she probably couldn’t fit in in the English world, even if she wanted to. Jessica had recently graduated from a university, and she still was struggling to find a job. She went on her computer and phone frequently, always looking worried and stressed out. Martha didn’t know what job she could get with her lack of higher education and inexperience. Back at home, she helped her family with their farm and did most of the housework, cooking, and some sewing and mending clothes. She doubted that she could get by doing that in the English world.
Martha also missed her church. Her faith was extremely important to her and the English world just didn’t seem to value faith as much. Martha always wanted to do right by Gott, and she prayed for guidance in her new dilemma. She felt so conflicted. In many ways, she longed for home, but she couldn’t bear to think about parting with Jack. The more time she spent with him, the more she wanted to continue being around him.
Being around Jack felt so right, so comfortable and so electrifying at the same time. It was this pure joy and bliss she felt that led Martha to spending the night with Jack.
Chapter 4
So that morning, when she awoke to Jack lying next to her, Martha’s heart began to race. She was confident that she loved Jack and he loved her; in fact, they had told each other they felt this way the previous night, and Martha knew that they would not have done what they did if it wasn’t love.
But at the same time, she knew she couldn’t stay. She missed her parents, her younger brothers and sisters, their home, their church, and their whole community. She missed her peaceful, stress-free life where she felt much closer to Gott. Martha knew that if she stayed, finding a job would be a struggle, and that the fast-paced lifestyle would stress her out. Plus, if she stayed, the community would never have her back. She would be shunned, and it hurt her to even imagine never being able to return.
It broke her heart to leave Jack, but she knew that she had to. She couldn’t bear to tell him, to see the disappointment on his face. Martha didn’t think he would understand her need to leave, to return to her home. And she didn’t think she could explain it. It would be too sad to say goodbye; it would only make it harder. So while Jack still slept, Martha picked up her
coat, slipped on her shoes, and snuck away.
She felt terrible, and tears rolled down her cheeks as she walked the long walk back to Mark’s house. When she got there, Sadie was outside on the porch. She began to ask Martha where she had been, but seeing Martha’s tearful face, stopped talking and simply hugged her friend. Then she called out to Mark, who fetched his keys and came outside to drive them home.
Martha was quiet during the ride home. She thanked Mark for letting them stay with him and politely added to his and Sadie’s conversation a few times, but she wasn’t ready to talk to anyone about Jack. She already missed him terribly, and knew she would cry again if she even said his name aloud.
Mark dropped them off at the edge of the community again in the same spot where he’d picked them up less than a week ago. Even though it hadn’t been long, Martha felt like a completely different person. She had never been in love or anywhere close ever before, and now her heart ached thinking of her true love that could never be.
Chapter 5
As the days and weeks passed by, things got easier for Martha. She was truly happy to be back with her family and back in her routine of doing housework, taking care of her younger siblings, and attending church and the church’s many events. She could tell that her parents were relieved to have her home; as much as they trusted her, she knew they must have worried at least a little bit that she would want to leave the Amish community.
Still, she continued to think of Jack and when she did, the pain was so intense it felt like a physical blow to her chest. In her darkest moments, Martha would imagine Jack waking up, seeing that she was no longer lying next to him, and calling Mark to find out that he had already driven her home. She knew how hurt and betrayed he would feel, how confused as to how she could leave after they told each other they were in love. She felt guilty, and mostly very sad that she would probably never see Jack again.
Martha tried to keep herself busy to take her mind off of her heartache. Luckily, it was well into spring and there were many social events going on in the community to help distract her. A lot of the events were geared towards the young adults like Martha as many of them began to court each other. There were also many weddings, which Martha had always loved attending in the past. She was still moved by the ceremonies, by the couples’ devotion to each other and to Gott, but now weddings just reminded her of Jack.
The other events and gatherings were more fun and lighthearted for Martha. There were weekly gatherings for the young adults to sing at church, dance, and socialize. Several Amish communities would come together for these events, so Martha met some new friends from the neighboring towns. She met several young women who she became close to, but there was also a young man, Isaac, who would always try to sit near her and make conversation.
At first, Martha didn’t read too much into Isaac’s attention. Since several communities were joining together and many of the young people were meeting each other for the first time, most of them made an effort to be friendly and sociable. She thought he was very nice, and always found that she was happy to see him at the weekly gatherings. Their conversations were always pleasant, and they shared many of the same interests. Martha grew to think of Isaac as one of her closest new friends.
It was Martha’s new girlfriends who told her that Isaac fancied her. “My family’s farm is next to him, and we went to school together, and in my whole life knowing him he’s never been like this,” said her friend Katie. Her other friends agreed. Isaac seemed to light up as he never had before when he was around Martha.
Martha didn’t quite know what to think. Although she enjoyed Isaac’s company and was flattered that he was interested in her, she couldn’t imagine being romantic with him. Isaac was tall with blonde hair and light freckles across his face, and was definitely an attractive man, but his looks didn’t affect her the way that Jack’s did. Martha couldn’t deny it; her heart still belonged to Jack.
She decided to talk to Sadie about it. Martha hadn’t been able to bring herself to talk about Jack since that morning when they left Mark’s house, when Sadie had seen her crying. But now she let herself open up to her friend, trying to hold back tears again. “You made your choice for a reason,” Sadie said consolingly. “You wanted to return to your home. It must be Gott’s plan for you.”
“What about you?” Martha asked. “With Mark leaving the community, do you ever think of doing the same?”
“Of course I think about it sometimes,” said Sadie, thoughtful, “and I will continue to visit Mark from time to time. But he and I are so different. He was never really happy with the Amish way of life. I’m like you, I feel more at home here. Besides,” she added, “Thomas invited me to ride in his buggy over to the Miller wedding next week. I definitely want to stay around for that,” she smiled.
Martha smiled back, and they happily discussed Sadie’s courtship with Thomas. Although she was happy for her friend, Martha couldn’t help but to feel a little jealous of Sadie, and everyone else who seemed to easily be falling in love all around her. Why couldn’t it be that simple for her, too? Here she was, happy in her community and with a kind man interested in her, and all she could do was think about Jack and wish things were different.
Chapter 6
With Martha’s busy social calendar, new and old friends, and work at home, the weeks soon turned into months. The weather grew hotter, and Martha realized that it was almost the summer. She suddenly felt an uneasy, creeping feeling that something wasn’t right. She felt paranoid for a few days without knowing why, until one night as she was drifting off to sleep she jerked awake, knowing exactly what was wrong. She sat up and grabbed the calendar she kept on her night table. She hadn’t had her period since before she and Sadie had visited Mark, and it had now been nearly three months.
Martha panicked. She couldn’t quite come to terms with the fact that she must be pregnant, and obviously with Jack’s baby. To be pregnant before marriage was looked down upon by the church, and Martha knew that she couldn’t risk telling anyone, even her friends. She tossed and turned all night, trying to think of what she could do. She thought of running away and leaving the community to join the English world, but what would she do there? She thought Jack probably did not want to be a father yet. She knew that in the English world, people usually waited longer to have children, and besides, Jack had only just graduated from high school and had his goals of going to trade school and becoming an electrician. Without jobs or the support of their families, how would they raise a child? Martha didn’t want to find Jack and tell him only to either be rejected by him, or to make him give up on his dreams.
After a long, sleepless night, Martha knew what she must do. Although she didn’t love Isaac, she cared for him and knew that he would make a good father and husband. Martha would hide her pregnancy and allow Isaac to court her.
As if he could read her mind, at the next church gathering, Isaac asked Martha if she would ride with him to the Fisher wedding the following week, and Martha said yes. Isaac beamed at her, and Martha forced a smile back. She already felt as if she were betraying Jack, but she knew that she had to make this work for the good of her baby.
Her friends were all excited when they heard that Martha was going to the wedding with Isaac, and Martha put on a positive attitude. She truly did enjoy Isaac’s company, but being around him was nothing like being with Jack. Still, she thought it was the right thing to do and vowed to make the best of it.
And the wedding was quite enjoyable; Isaac was a respectful date, picking Martha up at her home, shaking hands with her parents, and putting a blanket down to make the seat of his buggy more comfortable. At the wedding, he danced with her while keeping the appropriate distance and made friendly conversation. As he took her back to her home afterwards, Isaac asked Martha if she would like to attend the next dance in his town with him, and Martha agreed. Isaac was a good dancer and pleasant to spend time with, so accepting his invitation was easy.
As the weeks pa
ssed by, Martha went to several dances, socials, and even another wedding with Isaac. They became known as a couple throughout the community, although they hadn’t even kissed yet. Martha’s parents began inviting Isaac to eat dinner with them at their home every other week or so, and Martha was comfortable and even content in his company.
But she soon began to worry about her pregnancy. She was beginning to show, and in the heat of the summer, it was awkward to cover up with coats and shawls. Martha knew that her relationship with Isaac was bound to grow more physical soon, and he would be able to feel her baby bump even just by embracing her. She would soon have to tell him, and a doctor, that she was pregnant. Isaac would know that it was definitely not his baby, and Martha didn’t know how he would feel about this. He was such a kind man, and very devout. Would he be willing to forgive her, or would he want nothing more to do with her? Although Martha still didn’t love Isaac or feel the chemistry and emotional bond as she had with Jack, she didn’t want to lose him. She saw Isaac as her one chance to do right by Gott and continue her life in the Amish community as she had chosen to do.
Chapter 7
So when Martha felt that she could not keep her secret any longer, she sat down with Isaac alone to tell him. She had ridden home with him after church service, and when all of his family members had either left the room or gone outside, Martha let Isaac know she had something serious she needed to talk to him about. She was so nervous that she could feel her stomach churning.
“I’m not sure if you know this about me, but before I met you, I went with Sadie to visit her brother, who left the Amish community a few years ago and lives in the English world,” she began.
“Yes, I have heard that,” said Isaac. “That is fine, I have friends who did the same, who experimented with a different lifestyle for weeks or even months during Rumspringa before returning home.”