“Why?” So very, very cold.
“He was a yellow-band.” I shook my head again. “You don’t know what it’s like, to have no control over your actions, but to believe everything you’re doing is your own idea, that it’s what you want, your choice. The guilt once you remember…he was only doing what the General commanded him to do.”
“So you spared him.”
I didn’t have a response to that, so I simply stood there. I’d spared a man who’d had every intention of forcing me to have sex with him, but I hadn’t hesitated to shoot—to kill—a little girl to protect Zoe. She was a Crazy, I told myself. She was going to attack Zo…
Seconds passed in handfuls until, finally, Jason said, “Tell me what it’s like.”
I blinked several times. “What what’s like?”
“Having no control over your actions…being mind-controlled.”
“I—it—” Mouth still open as though the words might form at any moment, I shook my head. “I don’t know how to explain it. It doesn’t seem bad until you’re awake, really awake, and you realize what you’ve done. When I was under—” I pressed my lips together and squeezed my eyes shut. Panic was a living thing inside my chest, a trapped bird flitting around, making my heart skip beats and stealing the space my lungs so desperately needed.
I took several steps and knelt on the rock-strewn ground before Jason. Resting my chin on his knee, I met his eyes. His face softened minutely, and he brought his right hand to my head, smoothing back the flyaway curls that had escaped from my French braid and running the backs of his fingers over my unbruised jawline. His body, however, was humming with tension.
Turning my head, I rested my cheek on his knee. “The General made me forget everything that happened once I got sick,” I said softly. “I thought I had amnesia, and since I was told I’d been found alone—other than the Crazies who’d supposedly been attacking me—I assumed that everyone I knew was dead. I didn’t remember the journey from Seattle to Bodega Bay, or the one from there to Colorado, and I didn’t remember us ever being…us.”
The soft brush of Jason’s knuckles against my skin stilled, but I couldn’t bring myself to look up at him. I didn’t think I would be able to continue if I saw his expression, and I had to keep going. Things wouldn’t be right with us until I’d shed at least some of my secrets.
I took a deep breath. “Gabe”—Jason’s tense body stiffened further—“was the only person I knew. He was the only familiar thing in a terrifying world, and I was so, so lonely.”
“Did you—did he…”
I shut my eyes. “No. I—we kissed, that’s all. He stopped things before it could go any further than that.” Trembling, I pulled away so I could look up at Jason.
He was staring at the opposite side of the ravine, jaw clenched and nostrils flaring.
“Jason, I swear that whatever I felt for him when my mind was twisted to hell and back, it pales in comparison to what I feel for you. It means nothing.”
“It means something to me,” he said quietly. “Is there anything else?”
I met your mom, she’s in the Colony, and she created the Virus.
“No,” I whispered.
With a gentleness born of great strength and intensive training, Jason pushed me away from him and rose, not even looking down at me before walking away.
I wanted to call after him so badly, to stand and chase him down and beg him to stay and talk to me, to help me fix things between us. But I couldn’t. I watched him go, grief silencing my voice, paralyzing my limbs. I watched him walk further downstream, my heart crushed in his fist, and I couldn’t even fight for us, for what we could be.
This is what I deserve…to be alone. Jason, Zoe, Camille, even Gabe…I only hurt whoever gets close to me. I was wrong; my secrets aren’t poison. I am poison.
But there was one thing I could do that wouldn’t hurt anyone, one place I could go where I wouldn’t feel the waves of desperation caused by having my heart torn out, and where neither Ky nor Zoe would have to feel the reverberations, either. There was only one way I could escape.
“Jack,” I said in my dog’s mind. He was on the other side of camp, frolicking over the barren land with Cooper. I crawled one-handed closer to the ravine wall and, leaning my back against the rocky surface, pulled my knees up to my chest. “Please, Sweet Boy, let me in. Let me run with you.”
“Yes, Mother. Run. Chase. Hunt.”
With a sigh, I slipped out of my shivering body.
~~~~~
I was Jack.
The moon was high and bright, and the night was filled with promise. My prey ran ahead, its heartbeat rapid. I could taste its terror on my tongue.
Abruptly, it changed direction, heading upward. It was climbing a tree. No!
I lunged at the tree’s trunk, standing on my back legs and scratching at the rough bark with my front claws. I opened my mouth and barked, begging my prey to come back down and play some more.
“Dani!”
“What?” I blurted, sitting bolt upright and jostling my broken arm. “Ow!” I curled in on myself, clutching my sling with my good hand. My eyes were shut tightly as though that act alone could block the pain.
“Dani—Red…”
That voice. My eyes snapped open. “Jason?” He came back?
His hand was clasping my shoulder, and his face, which I could barely see in the darkness, was mere inches from mine. “You’re shivering.”
“I’m cold,” I said, with an extra big shiver that made my teeth chatter. “What time is it?”
“Late…everyone’s asleep back at camp.” His hand moved up my neck, and the pad of his thumb brushed across my lips. “We missed dinner.”
My pulse was suddenly racing, and I shivered for another reason entirely. It took me a moment to speak. When I did, it wasn’t much. “We?”
“Yeah.”
So he’s been gone all this time? I took a shaky breath, a byproduct of the nighttime chill and my anxiety. At first, I couldn’t believe that nobody had come looking for us, but then I realized they probably thought we’d snuck off for some amorous alone time. Boy, were they wrong.
I cleared my throat. “Where’d you go after I, um—earlier?”
Ever so carefully, Jason nudged me forward, wedging himself between my back and the rock wall, and my God did he feel good—so warm and firm and there. He cocooned me with his body, his chest to my back and his legs propped up on either side of me. His left arm slid around my middle, just under my sling, and he raised his right arm, tracing a slow line along my collarbone, up my neck, and along my jawline with his fingertips.
“Walking,” he said. “I just walked around. I couldn’t be here.”
“Why?” I whispered.
Jason held me, kindling a gentle, sizzling promise I hadn’t felt in weeks. Warmth blossomed in my lower abdomen, his touch arousing my desire with embarrassing ease.
“Needed a breather.” His fingers clasped my jaw tenderly, and he turned my head so the side of my face was pressed against the worn brown leather of his coat. He lowered his head and nuzzled my neck, and when he next spoke, his breath tickled skin made overly sensitive by weeks of neglect. “I need to know one thing. Why didn’t you tell me earlier…and why now?”
“That’s two things,” I managed to say, though the words were breathy.
He chuckled, the sound fanning the flames of desire. He was doing a really good job of warming me up, inside and out. “Tell me,” he said against my neck.
I sighed. “I was afraid.”
“Of…?”
“You.” I felt Jason tense, his lips stilling on my neck, and rushed to explain. “I mean, saying ‘do whatever you need to do to survive’ and actually being cool with me making out with some other guy so I could steal his gun are two entirely different things. And then the thing with Gabe, I—it terrified me every time I thought about telling you.”
“But you did tell me.”
I laughed, a dry, bitter so
und. “I had to. I—the secrets, the guilt—I couldn’t be around you without thinking about the things I wasn’t telling you.” Like about your mom. I took a deep breath, still not sure I would ever tell him about her, because despite how understanding Jason was being about the other secrets I’d divulged, I wasn’t worried the one about his mom would break us; I feared it would break him. “At first, I thought you were pulling away. I thought you’d changed your mind, that you didn’t want to be us. But it wasn’t you; it was me.” I tried to sit up, intending to turn around so I could see his face, but his arms tensed, holding me in place.
I had no choice but to relax back against him. “I was distancing myself from you without realizing what I was doing, and once I did realize it, I knew I had to, you know, confess…because I missed you. I miss you.”
Jason made a rough noise low in his throat. He raised his head, and the hand holding my jaw moved lower, his strong fingers dancing along the side of my neck. “Did either of them touch you here?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
His lips replaced his fingers, a searing brand on that sensitive skin. His hand moved lower, dipping under the collar of my sweater. His fingertips traced the edge of my bra. “And here?”
“Just a”—my voice hitched as he pushed the thin fabric out of the way, his fingertips trailing a blaze of pleasure—“just a little…bit.”
His lips, still on my neck, curved, and imagining his possessive smile was like lighter fluid on my burning desire. The arm he’d wrapped around my middle shifted lower, his hand slipping under the hem of my sweater. He ran charged fingertips up and down my side, from my hip up to my bra and back. “And here?”
“I—I don’t—”
That hand, those fingertips, moved to my stomach, sliding ever so lightly over the skin of my lower abdomen, just above the waistband of my jeans, and I whimpered. Jason’s responding chuckle was so knowing, so male, so heated. “Here?”
Breaths coming faster, I shook my head. My hand clutched his thigh in an effort to stave off my mounting, needy ache.
Jason popped the top button on my pants, then drew the zipper down more slowly than I would have thought possible. My hips lifted off the ground, seeking, wanting.
He tsked me. “Patience, Red.”
With a low groan, I moved my hand higher up on his thigh. His arousal showed in the unmistakable hardness pressed against my lower back.
My hand was just below his pocket when he stopped unzipping. “No, Red.”
The fingers on my breast pinched in a way that would have hurt had I not been so painfully aroused. The pleasure-pain earned another whimper from me.
“Just feel.” He lowered the zipper the rest of the way with a quick jerk. “Close your eyes and just feel.”
Thankfully, he stopped teasing. He thrust his hand into my pants, and I groaned, and again my hips lifted off the ground. I shifted my hand closer to his knee, my fingertips digging into his jeans. To say my body ached for him would be a gross understatement.
“Jason…please. I need…”
He laughed, low and rough, then shoved that final barrier out of the way. “Tell me if I’m hurting you,” he said as he finally gave me what I craved. Remotely, I registered that he had to be talking about my arm, but at that moment, with his fingers doing such tantalizing things between my legs, I really didn’t care. His fingers were everywhere in the most delicious ways. Mounting pleasure was my whole world.
I gasped as Jason’s touch hurtled me off the top of a mountain of bliss, and I was free-falling into heaven, or maybe into hell.
I lay in his arms for minutes, breathing hard and basking in the afterglow. Craning my neck, I peered up at his shadowed face. “So you’re not mad?”
“No, Red,” Jason laughed. “All the proof I need that you’re still mine is right here.” His forearm flexed, and he did something with his fingers that sent echoes of pleasure through my body.
I moaned and arched against him, but in my chest, a very different ache blossomed. I want more than this…more than lust, I didn’t say. I want you to love me, because I love you, I didn’t say, despite feeling it in my every cell.
With a satisfied exhale, Jason withdrew his hands from my pants and shirt and quickly refastened my jeans. His powerful arms wrapped around my middle, and he rose, bringing me up with him.
Once I was on my feet, I turned and slipped my hand under the hem of his t-shirt, tracing the outline of his abs. I moved my hand lower, fully intending to return the pleasure he’d just lavished upon my body.
He caught my wrist in an iron grip before I reached the top button of his jeans. Shaking his head, he said, “Let’s go to bed.”
My eyebrows drew together. “But…don’t you want”—I glanced lower on his body—“you know…?”
Leaning down so his lips brushed my ear, he laughed huskily. “More than anything. But we can’t risk me nulling everyone; it’s too dangerous. Ky’s keeping watch, but without his Ability…” I felt him shake his head. “After what happened last time, I’m not willing to risk it for anything…not until I know we’re safe.”
I flushed. Last time we’d really been together, he’d lost control of his Ability—nulling the general area, as usual—and I’d been abducted. “Oh, right. If you’re sure…”
He shifted, trailing his lips along my jawline until he pressed a gentle, almost chaste kiss against my lips. “I am. And trust me, Red—it’ll be worth the wait.”
I’m sure, I thought. But I want more than that, too.
Jason captured my hand and led me back to camp. We retreated into our tent, where Jack was already waiting for us, and settled into our sleeping bags—closer to each other now, but still far enough apart that Jason wouldn’t accidentally hurt my arm while we slept. Jason was asleep within minutes, his breathing deep and even, and not long after, Jack snuggled close on my other side. He inhaled deeply, exhaled in a sigh, and was out.
I watched Jason, studied the way the moon shadows played over the sharp angles and planes of his face and softened the harshness of his scar, until sleep tugged my eyelids closed. But my mind refused to give in to the coaxing pull, despite my body being utterly exhausted and more relaxed than it had been in weeks. I lay there, willing myself to fall asleep.
After an hour or two of trying, I gave up. I opened my mind, seeking out a companion for the wee hours of the morning. Wings was napping in the pasture, and thousands of other creatures were slinking and scurrying through the field around camp, but none of them were the mind I sought.
Finally, I found Ray, perched on one of the top branches of a lodgepole pine a few miles away. The falcon fluffed her feathers in anticipation as I relaxed into her mind. She spread her wings and launched into the night before I was fully detached from my own body, and I felt myself exhale a sigh of relief.
Yes! This is what I need.
9
ZOE
MARCH 31, 1AE
Great Basin Desert, Utah
My heart raced, and my body trembled with a thrilling sort of panic; an aria of desire and excitement and fear sung through me, sensations so raw and real it was as if I was feeling them for the first time.
He braced me up against a wall, a woolen blanket the only thing sparing me from the hard surface of the rough, wooden slats. Momentarily, my eyes flitted open. I was in a barn washed in the pale dawn light seeping in between wood planks.
A low, possessive groan preceded his hot breath, burning against my neck. I shuddered as instinct took over, and my eyes closed again. He trailed urgent kisses along my jaw before finding my mouth, his lips both soft and bruising. His hot body against mine sent a curling ribbon of anticipation spiraling through me.
How could something so wild feel so right?
A throbbing need flooded my insides, filling even my deepest, most forgotten hollows. It was nearly too much to bear as his strong fingers knotted in my hair, his silken tongue burning against my skin, and I could feel his muscles flexing with every
determined thrust of his body. His fingertips explored my curves, leaving fire trails in their wake and setting my body ablaze with an appetite for something I didn’t understand but desperately wanted to fulfill.
A devastatingly greedy hunger rippled through me, and my immediate fears and uncertainties vanished as I let all my inhibitions go. Feeling so full and overwhelmed with lust, I gripped him closer and struggled to catch my breath…
He thrust, and I cried out.
Feeling awakened and near bursting with a coiling, aching fever I thought might bring me to my knees if I didn’t give in, I shuddered against him, holding on for dear life as the world dissolved around me. And as though my body couldn’t contain the roiling sensations a moment longer, my insides swelled with a pulsating intoxication that left me near tears.
I was falling…losing myself in a swirling blackness of passion.
“Jake…”
Starting awake, my insides still clenched in wanting and my heart nearly jumping out of my sweat-dampened chest, I looked around the tent’s interior. I took a deep breath, steadying my nerves. I’d expected to see Becca still asleep beside me, but thankfully, I was alone. Did I oversleep?
Hearing hushed whispers outside by the campfire, and with only dim light filling the tent, I assumed it was still early morning. I sighed in relief. This dream, like the many I’d been having as of late, seemed so real that I felt like I was losing my mind—or, rather, like I might be finding it again. I ran my fingers through my hair and lay back down, heaving a sigh of relief that I was alone in the tent. I couldn’t imagine what Becca might’ve overheard had she been asleep beside me. Get a grip, Zoe.
I unzipped my sleeping bag and let the cool air assault my exposed skin. Although my arms were covered by long sleeves, I’d been growing too warm most nights, and had decided shorts were a better option. As I sat there in the brisk spring chill, I realized the dreams were most likely the cause of my body’s confusion. I shivered, welcoming the distraction, and I hoped it would help stir me awake and out of my apparent sex fog.
Out Of The Ashes (The Ending Series, #3) Page 10