Gabe dipped his head in gratitude. “That’s all I ask…and that if you accidentally see something, you’ll keep it to yourself.” His eyes bored into me, a silent demand.
I gave him a quick nod to reassure him and lifted the reins, commanding the cart horses, Clyde and Percy, into motion. With a jerk, the cart creaked and began to roll forward. “I guess that makes us riding buddies for the day,” I said, thinking it was going to be an interesting ride.
“Indeed.” He was quiet for a moment. “There have been some new developments”—he shot me a sideways glance—“that could prove very relevant to your current situation.”
Intrigued, I looked away from the stretch of highway in front of our caravan and up at his knowing blue eyes. “Developments?”
He nodded. “Of course, the last thing I want is to get your hopes up only to fail miserably, but…” He drew the word out, increasing my curiosity. “We don’t really have a choice. You’re an integral part of the hypothesis I’ll be testing…and more or less the reason I’ll be testing it.” He leaned in a little closer and whispered, “So let’s hope I don’t fail.”
I couldn’t help but smile as I resituated myself on the padded bench so my knees were angled toward him, anxiously awaiting his explanation. “Fail…just what every test subject wants to hear.” The cart creaked and swayed beneath us. “So, are you going to tell me what it is we’re testing, or am I just supposed to comply and hope for the best?”
“Oh, right—I may have found a way for you to regain access to your memory.”
My heart skipped several beats, and I opened my mouth to unleash a barrage of questions.
Gabe held up a hand, cutting me off before I could ask any of them. “But we won’t know anything until we get a chance to try a few things out. It’s far from a sure thing.”
It’s far from a sure thing. I understood that, but I couldn’t help the hope his words summoned. At first, we’d all hoped that my memory would eventually come back, but after weeks of waiting, I’d begun to assume that who I was now was who I would always be. Suddenly, the day—my future—seemed a little bit brighter.
“How…what do we need to do?”
“I won’t bore you with all the neurology babble,” he said with a kind smile. “Basically, we’re going to immerse your mind in an electric field and slowly increase the intensity while Chris keeps an eye on how the, uh, treatment is stimulating the memory centers in your brain.”
“An electric field? Is it going to hurt?” I wasn’t sure I cared so much, as long as I could be me again. Once more, hope swelled inside me. Everything would be so much easier…
Gabe’s smile returned, but this time, it had a distinctly apologetic edge. “At the lowest intensity it’ll feel odd—sort of tingly and fuzzy—but as we increase the intensity, it could become quite painful.”
Given that there was no electricity to make such a process possible, I knew it was ridiculous, but I couldn’t help the image my mind conjured—me, hooked up to a horrifying contraption with electrodes stuck all over my body. I cringed. “And how exactly are you going to create this electric field?”
“You’re aware that Carlos has some control over electricity?” When I nodded, Gabe continued. “He’s recently developed the ability to create and manipulate an electric charge with enough precision that he can actually surround anything—a stick, a house, a person, your brain—with an electric field.” The side of his mouth tensed. “We just have to work on his control a bit, make sure he doesn’t accidentally fry any of us…”
I took a steadying breath. “I see.” I sat there a moment, wading through the dozens of questions I wanted answers to. “I know you’re smart and this sort of thing is your specialty, but I have to ask—what makes you think it will even work?”
Gabe glanced over his shoulder, and I followed his line of sight to Camille, who was riding in the wagon with Sarah. “There’s a marked correlation between Camille regaining memories of her former life and her extensive exposure to electric fields, so it’s not too great of a leap to hypothesize that the same result would occur in a non-Re-gen mind. I’ve spoken to Wes—”
“Wait, you talked to Dr. Wesley—my mom?” It took me a moment to remember that Gabe could visit people in their dreams.
Gabe shut his mouth and stared at me for a few seconds. “I forget sometimes…that you’re her daughter.” He raised one shoulder. “How it’s possible for me to forget is beyond me, considering the resemblance, but…somehow I do.”
“So, she thinks it will work, too?”
“She agrees that if Chris monitors the neurological response and guides Carlos to direct the point charge…” He shook his head. “The point is—Wes agrees that with Chris and Carlos working together, we might have a shot.” He shrugged. “And we’ll at least be able to tell fairly quickly whether or not this ‘treatment’ will even work on you. And, even if it doesn’t restore your memories, at least it should increase your Ability enough that you’ll have better control over it.”
It was clear Gabe’s “might” served as another warning that failure could be a likely outcome, but I was stuck on the fact that it also might work. Optimism and elation trumped my apprehension that Gabe’s theory wouldn’t work.
“Have you already talked to Chris and Carlos? Are they willing to try?”
“Yep,” he said.
My mind reeled with gratitude, hope, and fear. I glanced at Gabe, who was leaning forward with his elbows on his knees as he stared out ahead.
“Thank you,” I said. “When the transfusion didn’t work, I sorta lost hope…” I cleared my throat, trying to rid my voice of unwanted emotion. “You have no idea what this means to me. I—I know it may not work, but the fact that you’re going to try, that you care even a little, means a lot to me.”
Gabe nodded.
“And…” I was torn to say the next words. “I don’t think we should tell anyone, not until we know if it’s really even possible.”
Gabe glanced at me again, eyebrows raised.
“I wouldn’t want anyone to get their hopes up and then have it not work…” I pictured the look of disappointment on Dani’s and Jason’s faces, then on Jake’s. I would be disappointed enough; I didn’t want to have to feel their disappointment as well.
With a curt nod, Gabe turned his attention back to the road.
For a few minutes we sat there, the sound of distant chatter, clomping horse hooves against the asphalt, and the creaking wagon and cart filling our silence. We were both lost in thought, which was a bad thing; with his mind wandering while he was sitting so close to me, it was difficult to prevent myself from seeing too much. It was going to be a long ride, and if I was going to honor his request to stay out of his head, I needed to keep myself busy.
I cleared my throat. “Can I ask you something?”
“Hmmm…?”
“What’s she like?”
“Who?” Gabe asked absently.
I swallowed, uncertain he would want to talk about her. “My…my mom.”
Gabe looked at me, his eyebrows raised. His mouth curved in a thoughtful frown, and he straightened, extending his arms over his head and arching his back in a stretch. After a deep breath, he settled back in the bench seat. “Wes is…” He scanned the way ahead. “To say she’s complicated would be an understatement. I worked fairly closely with her for a few years, but sometimes I still think I barely know her.” He shook his head. “I’ve never met somebody with as many secrets as her. How she manages to juggle them all without falling flat on her face is beyond me.”
“I’m assuming Jason and I were one of her secrets…”
“Ah…no. At least, not one of the secrets she kept from me.” He laughed wryly. “When I first figured out the Virus’s origins—her, essentially—I was not happy.” With a meaningful look, he said, “We had words. But, when I found out the reason she’d done it, the reason she’d worked so diligently to help Herodson with his ‘Great Transformation’…” For
a long moment, he simply stared out at the road in front of us and shook his head. “I couldn’t really blame her. I can’t say I’d have done the same thing in her place, but I also can’t say I wouldn’t have.”
I wondered what my reaction to the truth about her and the Virus would’ve been a month ago. “It’s difficult to wrap my mind around it,” I thought aloud. “She did all of this…for us.” And Jason still doesn’t know.
Gabe nodded. “Which tells you quite a bit about her right there. She’s protective of those she loves, and arguably loyal to a fault.” He smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling the barest amount. “She’s the most intelligent person I’ve ever met, and more than a little uptight—the woman can’t take a joke to save her life.” He rolled his eyes. “But considering everything Herodson’s put her through, it’s impressive that she can even manage a smile now and again.”
I remembered her kindness the night she found me with Clara, and it upset me to think what the General might’ve done to her, especially as I recalled how he’d tortured Becca, Mase, Camille, Dani… “Is he unkind to her?” I asked tentatively.
Gabe eyed me, his expression guarded. “If you consider forcing her to play house for two decades, forcing her to pretend to love him, unkind, then yeah”—he laughed bitterly—“he’s unkind to her.” Gabe’s coiling hatred settled in the pit of my stomach, and after a moment, he added, “Maybe it wouldn’t seem so bad if his mind control actually worked on her and she was blissfully unaware…” He sighed. “But she’s not.”
I still had questions, tons of them, but I wasn’t sure I was ready for the answers, so I kept them to myself. We rode in affable silence for a while, my thoughts lingering on the possibility that soon I might have all my memories back.
14
JAKE
APRIL 28, 1AE
Humboldt-Toiyabe National Forest, Nevada
Unwilling to mill around by the campfire, watching Tavis and Zoe act like lifelong friends or more, Jake decided to walk the perimeter of their camp in the hopes of clearing his head. With Cooper tagging along, Jake made his way down to a small, stagnant pond in a gulch that dipped below their camp. The further away he drew from the sound of everyone meandering around camp with routine and purpose, the clearer the truth became. Jake knew he’d been grasping at straws, trying to hold onto something—to someone—that hadn’t been his for weeks.
The headway he’d been making with Zoe simply wasn’t enough. She’d needed a shoulder to cry on after Dani’s breakdown, and she’d gone to Tavis. But if he was being honest with himself, things with Zoe had been strained since the moment they’d found her in her altered state. It seemed like every time they were alone together, she would pull away from him, just like she’d done on the ledge overlooking the canyon…just like she’d done the night of the rainstorm.
Whether she pulled away from Jake because she was scared, torn between him and Tavis, or simply not interested, Jake had no idea. Regardless, it was time for him to stop living in his dream world of what-ifs and maybes.
He crouched by the pond’s edge and stared out at its glassy surface. Zoe had woken up in a world she didn’t understand. There was uneasiness in her eyes when she was around Dani, her supposed best friend, and hesitation when she was around Jake. Everything about her was different.
Grabbing a few rocks from the edge of the pond, Jake rose and chucked one off into the water as far as he could. Zoe had admitted herself that being around Tavis was easier. It was a difficult truth to swallow, but Jake knew, deep down, that whatever had been between him and Zoe before, Tavis and Zoe were more compatible now.
Jake heaved another rock. His stomach churned with an aching longing as he realized that she was no longer his and accepted that she might never be again.
How exactly he’d fallen so absolutely in love with his Zoe, he didn’t know. From the first moment he’d seen her, something had stirred inside him—a purpose…a curiosity…a desire. And as he’d come to know her better, her stubbornness had challenged him and her determination had inspired him. But she was different now.
With the burning sting of acceptance, Jake knew he had to let her go. He tossed the last rock further than the rest, and anger hardened inside him. Turning on his heel, he headed back toward camp.
His jaw ached and his teeth clenched as he considered how often he would have to watch her with Tavis. His heart tightened at the mere thought of her never sleeping in his arms again. It would be easier to leave, to run away like the coward he’d been so many times in his life. But he couldn’t do that, he couldn’t very well leave, not with his sister carving out a place for herself in the group.
Running his hands over his head, Jake let out a despondent groan.
After too many resentful thoughts, he reached camp. As he approached the campfire, Cooper left Jake’s side and pranced over to the Re-gens, who were sitting in a tight circle around Ben. He was gesturing wildly, no doubt dramatizing some story about him and Ky in their youth.
With a few hours to kill before his watch started, Jake left Cooper to be fussed over by Camille and Becca and headed past the group toward his tent. The little voice inside his head wondered where Zoe was, causing his hands to clench into fists. He needed to stop seeking her out.
Rubbing the tension from the back of his neck, he glanced up and froze.
Zoe was pacing back and forth in front of his tent. Her hair was braided, trailing down her back, the ends just brushing the waist of her jeans. One arm was wrapped around her middle, the other raised so that her hand clasped the back of her neck.
She continued to pace, giving him no indication that she’d even realized he’d approached. She looked just like she always had, statuesque and thoughtful with each long stride, but inside she was fractured—pieces of her old self clinging to the new, unwilling to let go. He saw glimpses of her old self every now and again, and that made it all the more difficult to accept that everything had changed, that he’d lost her.
When she finally looked up to see him standing there, she stopped mid-step. “Something’s changed, hasn’t it?” she asked.
Jake remained silent, her urgency catching him off guard and the tremble in her voice thawing his anger and frustration.
She took a step toward him, her eyes searching his. “You’ve been keeping your distance, and I can’t tell why.”
What could he tell her? Their long, heavy silence only echoed the distance that had been growing between them.
Jake took a deep breath. “I have to let you go” was all he could say, but the words tasted ashen on his tongue. He hated how confused he felt around her. “This isn’t right. You’re different now—”
“Yes,” she said and took another step forward. Finally her brilliant teal eyes met his, and she stared back at him with an injured gaze. “I’m fully aware that I’m different.”
“You can’t be something you’re not.” He hoped speaking the words would make it easier to accept the truth, but when her eyes gleamed and her features hardened, he felt deplorable for saying them at all. “We’re not the same as we were before. I have to accept that—”
“Do you still care about me?” she blurted. “The way I am now…do you still want to be with me, at all?”
Jake’s heart began to race, and he was about to open his mouth when she continued.
“Because after what happened with Dani…” She shook her head. “I’ve felt more pain and regret and loneliness today than I ever want to feel again.” Tucking a loose hair behind her ear, she took another, more fortifying step toward him. “I’ve lost more in the last few weeks than I may ever be able to fully comprehend, but I don’t want to have any regrets in this new life.” She said each word pointedly, that strong will and resolve he admired so much flaring to life. “You don’t get to make choices for me,” she said.
Questions thrashed around in Jake’s mind.
In his long, pregnant silence, she added more tentatively, “But, if it’s too difficult for you
to be with me, if it’s not what you want, then that’s your choice…and I understand.”
“No you don’t,” he muttered, shaking his head.
Her eyes narrowed. “Excuse me?”
“You don’t understand.” His tone was harsher than he’d meant, but he needed to speak the truth. “You have no idea how difficult this is.”
She straightened, her head shaking and her glare boring into him. “Difficult…for you? Every time I think we’re taking a step closer together you think of her. I’m not her, I’m—”
“I think about you.”
“No, it’s different.” Zoe’s hands fisted at her side and she took two more obstinate steps closer. “You know it is. I can’t be her, Jake. I can’t live up to that. I can’t be someone I’m not.”
“Which is why I should let you go,” he said. The words hung, suspended in the quiet that followed. After a few steadying breaths, he continued, “This is torture, Zoe. I love you so much, and it’s killing me that I can’t have you.” He slumped his shoulders and cursed. “I can’t do this anymore.”
“Does what I want matter at all?”
Jake let out a bitter laugh. “I know what you want.”
“Obviously not.”
He was growing impatient. “Tell me then, what is it that you want, exactly, because I’m confused. Tavis is always around—”
“So you’re ‘letting me go’ because of Tavis?” She looked shell-shocked. “It’s not what you think,” she said, pointing vehemently toward the campfire. “It’s easier to be with him, but—”
“Exactly.” Jake’s voice was a low growl, and he was on the verge of walking away so he didn’t say something else, something he would regret. “That’s why this isn’t going to work.”
Zoe recoiled.
Jake’s heart was pounding violently, and his hands began to shake. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want her to hate him, but it was too much to keep locked inside anymore.
“Despite what you may think,” she started, “I didn’t go to him this morning—it just happened that way.” Her voice cracked. “I wanted him to be you.” She closed the distance between them, her eyes shimmering and her heaving chest mirroring his. “If you don’t want to be with me, I understand,” she said. “But I don’t want to waste any more time sidestepping everything because I’m scared that I won’t live up to her memory. I don’t want to feel the kind of regret that’s simmering inside you…that’s consuming Dani. I don’t want to be the reason I’m not happy.”
Out Of The Ashes (The Ending Series, #3) Page 16