Tomorrow night, I told myself. I’ll try to sleep tomorrow night.
“Red…”
Startled, I jumped and spun around, only to find Jason standing a few feet away, watching me. His eyes were tight with concern.
“Yeah?” I said, skirting eye contact. I wasn’t sure if he’d seen me gulp down the pill.
“Take a walk with me?” he said, holding out his hand.
I looked over my shoulder at Wings. “But I have to—”
“Carlos’ll take care of her.”
“Yeah,” Carlos said, walking up and coaxing Wings’s attention away from me with the promise of an apple. “She’s an easy one.”
“But…” I trailed off as I realized that only a few horses remained in the area near the paddock we were using to store the tack for the night while the rest roamed around, unburdened as they grazed. A glance off to my left told me the tents were already up in the corner of a tiny farm’s parched hay field, and the fire was well on its way to roaring. “How…?”
“You must’ve zoned out,” Jason said, reaching for my good hand and linking our fingers when I showed no sign of intending to meet him halfway. “You were just standing there, staring at your saddlebag.”
I closed my eyes in a prolonged blink, letting Jason lead me away from Wings and Carlos and our camp. He headed for the solitary, one-story farmhouse located on the other side of the almost nonexistent creek. A single row of tall, skinny trees covered in scraggly new growth lined the property as a windbreak. Jason led me around the house on a lawn that was so brown and patchy it blended in almost seamlessly with the barren desert floor surrounding it, only stopping once we reached the opposite side. He stared down at me, looming unintentionally.
Sighing, I rubbed my eyes; they felt grainy from lack of sleep. “What are we doing out here? I still have to check in with all of the horses and set up scouts for—”
“You’re off scouting duty,” he said quietly, calmly. “We can do it the old-fashioned way for a few days.” And still, he stared down at me. I felt like a preserved specimen in a jar.
“What?” I blurted, first widening, then narrowing my eyes. “Why?”
Jason stepped closer, his usually stony face finally showing some emotion. And his emotional displays were a lot like the desert climate we’d grown used to over nearly a month of travel: when it rained—especially when Tavis made it happen—it poured. “You’re exhausted.” Jason raised a hand and placed the crook of his index finger under my chin, angling my face upward. “Have you slept at all since Ben…since Ray—”
I pulled my hand from his, taking several steps backward, and crossed my arms over my chest. It was a gesture of protection more than a gesture of defiance. I looked away—at the farmhouse behind him, at the dirt and dead grass beneath our boots, at the trees surrounding the yard—anywhere but at him. I couldn’t let him see the tears stinging my tired eyes. “Not really,” I said softly. Not at all.
“You’re not eating, not sleeping…you’ve got to take better care of yourself.”
I shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant, but inside I was screaming, I’m trying! I don’t want to lose my humanity! I’m trying to fix me! I both wanted and refused to tell him about my current predicament…about my apparent addiction to drifting. Having his support would mean everything, but he had enough on his plate without having to deal with my problems, especially when they were problems I practically dove into headfirst.
“You don’t understand,” I said.
Jason sighed. “But I do understand. Losing first the horses, then Ray, and now Ben…it’s hard. And then with those drifters, and what you did…you’re dealing with a lot.”
“A lot?” I scoffed, a harsh, ugly sound. “Jesus, Jason…” I shook my head. “You couldn’t possibly understand.”
“Then why don’t you explain it to me,” he said, his tone level.
If he thought me sharing my feelings would help me move on, then fine—we could talk about Ray, and drifting, and…not about my soul-sucking addiction to it.
I started pacing, the caffeine pill making me jittery. “When I drift, it’s like…like…” I threw my arms up in the air. Explaining the connection I shared with the animals—the connection I’d shared with Ray, that I’d been sharing with her at her moment of death—seemed impossible.
“When I merge with them,” I said, “it’s like I’m a part of them and they’re a part of me…like the essence of who we are—our souls, or whatever—join together, and when I’m just me again, a piece of my soul is still with them, and a piece of theirs is with me.”
I paused and looked down at the ground. “Ray was more than a pet, more than a friend…she was part of me, and when she died, I lost that part of me completely. It’s just…gone. And killing Scott didn’t bring her back…didn’t make the hurt go away. So now I have to deal with crushing guilt, too.” I raised my eyes to meet Jason’s. “So tell me again about how you get it, about how you understand.”
Jason’s jaw clenched, and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “I care about you more than I’ve ever cared about anyone,” he said, his voice low and cold despite the heartfelt words. “And when you were gone, you took a piece of me—my soul—with you.” He moved closer, his strides consuming the distance separating us. “So yeah, Red, I get it.”
I stared at him, slack-jawed and slack-brained. “What?”
“I didn’t mean to fall in love with you,” he said, as though that explained anything.
“Fall in love…with me?”
He let out a harsh laugh and ran his fingers through his short, dark curls. “It was never something I wanted—with anyone.” He looked at me, his eyes aflame with too many intense emotions: accusation—desire—anger—fear—love…
He loves me?
“I thought if I just got a taste of you, had my fill…” He shook his head, staring down at me with eyes of luminous blue fire. “I never wanted to fall in love, because I’ve seen what it does to a person when it’s taken away.” His eyes widened, like he’d just realized that I was both the monster in the dark and the hero who could chase it away. “And now I’ve felt it.” He squeezed his hand into a fist, then stretched out his fingers. His hand was shaking. “So don’t tell me I don’t get it.” His gaze hardened. “I get it.”
Turning, he started to walk back toward camp.
My arms slipped lower until they hung at my sides. “Jason…wait.”
He stopped, his back to me and his body flush with the corner of the house. He turned his head, showing me his profile…his perfect, strong profile.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
Everything about him relaxed noticeably.
I took a step toward him. Another. And another. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess, and I’m sorry that you have to deal with it, but I’m not sorry that you fell in love with me. I will never be sorry about that.” I stopped a foot or two behind him, making no move to touch him. “Please turn around.”
He did so, slowly. When he finally faced me, he gazed down at me with familiar, guarded eyes. Somehow, the red in his scar only intensified the blue in his eyes.
I couldn’t help but smile. I felt drunk and giddy and muddle-brained, and I couldn’t believe any of this was really happening, that he’d really just told me he loved me. It was the best possible thing at the worst possible time.
“I thought I was in love with you when I was younger,” I said. I felt my smile grow, and I glanced away, embarrassed. I had to force myself to meet his eyes again. “And then when I got older, when I was with Cam, I convinced myself that I’d only fallen in love with the idea of you…that it had only been a crush, and that I’d barely known you, and that my feelings only seemed so strong because I was a teenager and everything is so extreme then.” I laughed softly and shook my head. “I convinced myself that I barely knew the real you.”
Jason clenched and unclenched his jaw repeatedly.
“But I was lying to myself. I think I wa
s the only one besides Zo and your dad who you let catch even a glimpse of the real you.” I took a shaky breath. “I love you, Jason…so much. I’ve loved you for a very long time.”
I watched as his guarded mask cracked, fragmented, and fell away, baring the full force of his emotions to me. His eyes were so full of hope and wonder and desperation, his lips of promise, and his entire face was softened by what could only be called adoration…and love. He searched my eyes, back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. The intensity of him stole my breath.
Wait…wait…wait…there’s something else…something I have to tell him…
Before I knew what was happening, Jason’s hands were cradling the back of my skull, his fingers unintentionally tugging pieces of my hair from my braid, and his lips were on mine. His kiss was not patient, not kind. It envied and boasted and was proud…so damn proud. His kiss sought to dishonor me, and I sought for it to dishonor me and would have been angered beyond reason had it stopped. A cessation of the kiss would have been unforgivable. This, these lips on mine, this tongue dancing with mine…this was the first real, honest kiss Jason and I had shared.
Except that it’s not an honest kiss, the very tiny coherent voice in the back of my mind said. You’re still lying to him, about yourself and about his past…his mom.
Jason pressed me back against the house’s weathered siding, and I placed my palms on his chest. With a groan, I pushed, but instead of breaking the contact between our lips, Jason kissed me harder, deeper, more urgently. And damn it all to hell if I didn’t want him to stop. His hands were everywhere, and he felt so good, so strong and real and all mine…
Again, I pushed against his chest. He froze, pulling back just enough for me to gasp, “Wait…stop…just wait.”
Tension was a living thing vibrating along every tendon, through every muscle in his body. “Red…” Pain—desire unfulfilled—made the word a desperate groan.
I squeezed my eyes shut, loathing myself for what I was about to do. “Before this goes any further, I have to tell you something.” I didn’t know why—maybe it was the lack of sleep, or maybe it was a desperate need to save face—but suddenly my knowledge of his mom didn’t seem like the biggest secret standing between us.
Jason lowered his head and grazed his lips over the side of my neck. “Later…”
“No, Jason, now. It has to be now.” Because I wouldn’t forgive myself if I started this new phase of our relationship with that lie hanging over us, and I doubted that he would forgive me either. As it was, I didn’t know if he would feel the same about me after I told him—but I wouldn’t trade the chance to have a lifetime of love for a few moments of bliss. I wouldn’t.
With a rough, knowing noise, Jason wedged his leg between my knees and slid his hands down to my hips. He moved against me, taunting me. Damn him for knowing exactly how to please my greedy body.
My head fell back against the side of the house, and I moaned.
“What were you saying?” Jason whispered against my neck.
I swallowed, cleared my throat, whimpered. “Your mom…she’s alive.”
He stilled instantly, a new kind of tension humming through him.
“I met her,” I said, breathing hard. “In the Colony.”
Ever so slowly, Jason raised his head and met my eyes. “What?” His voice was cold…so very cold.
“It’s not what you think,” I rushed to say before he could draw false conclusions…or any conclusions. Pretty much any conclusion would be a bad one. “She really didn’t want you to know about her, and I thought about telling you…so many times—”
“Then why didn’t you?” That tone…that tone could freeze the sun.
“Because I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“And how, exactly, would telling me that my mom was alive and within reach have hurt me?” His eyes narrowed, spearing me with accusation. “Or was it just that you’d have to admit to lying all this time?”
“What? No!” I pushed against his chest again, and this time he lifted off me enough that I could duck under his arm and slip out from between him and the side of the house. “Do you really think that little of me?”
With a roar, Jason punched his palm against the wood siding. “Then tell me, because right now I don’t know what to think. What possible reason could you have for not telling me?”
“She created the Virus,” I said, my voice barely audible.
Jason turned his head, looking at me with eyes filled with utter revulsion. “Why would you say that?”
My arms itched to wrap around my middle, but I held them rigid at my sides, my hands in shaking fists. “Because it’s true.”
Jason’s eyes slid off me. “You’re wrong. It wasn’t her. You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
Indignant, I straightened my back and held my head high. “I’m going to ignore the fact that you’re being a huge asshole, because I know this is a shock.” I inhaled harshly. “Your mom was at the Colony, and she did create the Virus.”
Jason was shaking his head. “Then she didn’t know. It was an accident.”
“No, Jason, it wasn’t.”
“So what are you saying?” He pushed away from the side of the house and started stalking toward me. “What the fuck are you saying—that my mom’s evil? That she’s some sort of evil genius working with that—that fucking General…to what? To take over the world?” He stopped less than a foot from me, all hard muscle and menace and anger towering over me.
I refused to look away, refused to back up. “No,” I said, expending every ounce of control I had to keep my voice even. “I’m saying that it wasn’t an accident, and that she knew exactly what she was doing.” I took a deep breath, and before Jason could launch into another tirade, said, “She did it to protect you, because if she hadn’t helped Herodson create the Virus, he would have killed you and Zo.”
Jason staggered back as though I’d punched him. In seconds, his expression transformed from irate man to lost little boy. “What?”
My chin quivered, and I blinked rapidly, refusing to cry. “After your mom left you guys, General Herodson stationed watchers around you and Zo. You were collateral in case his mind control failed on her, except—” I wanted to look away so badly, to not bear witness to Jason having one of the pillars of his childhood ripped out from beneath him. But I couldn’t leave him to face this alone, not when I was the one who’d landed the first blow. “He didn’t know—still doesn’t—about the other half of her Ability.”
“I don’t…” Jason shook his head. “I don’t understand.”
“Your mom’s just like you, able to increase, decrease, or block other people’s Abilities, but Herodson only knows about the boosting part. She was never under his mind control. The only control he ever had over her was you…you and Zo and your Dad. And then she fell in love with him.” I blinked, and a tear snuck out from between my lashes. I swiped it away before it could start its journey down my cheek and took another deep breath. “There’s something you should see,” I said, walking past him. When I didn’t hear footsteps behind me, I paused and looked back at Jason.
He was standing exactly where he’d been for the last few minutes, exactly as he’d been.
“It’s from your mom—a letter.”
His head snapped around, his eyes seeking mine, eagerness and terror making them too bright, too wide.
“Come on,” I said, continuing back toward camp. It wasn’t immediate, but I finally heard Jason’s footsteps behind me and exhaled in relief. If he was following me, it meant he believed me. It meant there was hope that he could accept this…and possibly not hate me for all eternity.
We walked in silence, Jason always a few steps behind me. When we reached our tent, I quickly dug through my saddlebags until I found the manila envelope containing the letters and documents from Dr. Wesley. I fished out the smaller envelope with “Jason and Zoe” written on its face in Dr. Wesley’s elegant but barely legible handwritin
g. Inside, it contained a letter from a mother to her children…and the confession of a mass murderer.
“Here,” I said, handing the sealed envelope to Jason. “I haven’t read it, so I don’t know how much she explains.”
Jason sat carefully on his sleeping bag. His face was washed out, and his hands were shaking as he flipped the envelope over to look at the unbroken seal. He peered up at me, his eyes unfocused. “Zoe?”
“She hasn’t seen it. She doesn’t actually know about the letter—not that it would do her much good as she is right now.” I shrugged uncomfortably. “But, um, she does know about your mom.”
“What?” His gaze sharpened. “How?”
“Dr. Wesley—your mom—she’s the one who saved Zo from Clara and left her at the house for us to find, as per Becca’s instructions.” I waved my hand weakly. “It’s all very confusing…everything with Becca is confusing…”
Staring down at the envelope, Jason said, “All her life, Zoe’s been searching for clues about our mom, and now she knows…and she doesn’t even care.” He chuckled hollowly. “It’s all such a fucking mess.”
Hysteria bubbled up from my chest in the form of a laugh that turned into a desolate sob. I dropped to my knees before Jason, taking one of his hands in both of mine. “I’m so, so sorry, Jason. If I could spare you this…” I shook my head. “You’re pissed. You should be pissed. I screwed up. I should have told you sooner…when I first found out…I should have—but I didn’t want to tell you. I never wanted you to know, because some things really are worse than death. I thought…I don’t know. I guess I thought I could protect you from that.” I laughed bitterly. “I can’t do much, but I thought I could do that…”
“I’m not pissed—not at you.” Jason chuckled again, the sound devoid of all emotion. “Most of my life, I was miserable because I thought she was dead. Then I found out about the accident—that it was all crap—and I hated her for leaving us…for leaving me. And now this?” He blinked slowly. “Now I wish she really had died in that car accident.” For seconds, he said nothing, simply stared at the envelope. “I can’t be mad at you, not when I know I’d have done the same thing if our roles were reversed.”
Out Of The Ashes (The Ending Series, #3) Page 20