He laughed dryly and shook his head, staring off into the woods near where Annie had disappeared. “Just some kid we found…at the beginning.” He glanced at his sister, his lips curving into a smile filled with regret. “Nessa and me, all we had was each other at first. Then we found Annie, and then my brother showed up…and then we made the mistake of coming down here.” He looked at me.
I tilted my head to the side and searched his guarded eyes. “So, why did you guys come all the way down here?”
Carlos inhaled and opened his mouth.
“To be safe!” Vanessa exclaimed, cutting him off before he could say anything. “Huh, Jesse?” She was staring at a space beyond the end of the picnic table as though somebody were standing there. She cackled for a moment, which seemed to be her go-to response to pretty much anything, then grew serious and started nodding. “It was mean of that guy to shoot you.” Her eyes shifted, and she glared at Carlos. “It’s not nice to shoot people.”
“Uh…” I frowned. “What’s she talking about?”
Carlos heaved a huge sigh. “Jesse, our brother, kept talking about this place in Tahoe where there were a bunch of survivors and shit. So, when we realized there was nothing left for us up in Yakima, we decided to come down here.” He shrugged. “Turned out this guy—Cole—had made Jesse bring us down here…like with mind control.” Carlos cleared his throat, his eyes becoming glassy, his gaze distant. “He shot Jesse when we got here—killed him—and then made me shoot at Nessa, but the bullet barely touched her arm. At least she was able to get away with Annie before I could really hurt her.”
I stared at him and his sister, at a loss for words.
“I know she’s a Crazy,” he said, turning his face to watch Vanessa continue her conversation with a hallucination of their dead brother. “But I have to take care of her.” He returned his gaze to me, his expression sorrowful but determined. “If that means I have to leave the rest of you…”
I reached across the table and took hold of his hand, strip of beef jerky and all. “Don’t be an idiot. You’re family.”
23
ZOE
MAY 22, 1AE
Petaluma, California
With my eyes closed and my fingers playing with the onyx fringe of Shadow’s mane, I turned my face to the sun and basked in its warm rays. I groaned in springtime-euphoria. I’d been impatiently waiting for spring for months, and now, like everything else that seemed to have popped up over the past month, it was finally here.
Amid my impromptu sunbathing, I could hear little blackbirds chirping. I knew from the couple of hours Shadow and I had been standing like sentinels outside the feed store that the blackbirds were hopping around the parking lot, looking for dropped seeds in and around the discarded food bins and perched on the forgotten forklifts behind the store.
Opening my eyes, I watched them, careless and oblivious to all that had happened in the world. One blackbird in particular had decided we weren’t nearly as threatening as the rest of his friends thought, and he was venturing closer and closer…only to fly away when Shadow flicked his tail. Maybe next time I should bring my sketchbook. While what I was doing was important—keeping my feelers open for any approaching danger—it was a good time to sketch, to document and write down what we were finding, what we’d seen, and what we’d learned about surviving.
Typically, being on intruder watch meant I needed to be on high alert, but now I was so in tune with my Ability—a result of all the electrotherapy sessions—that it was easy to multitask, at least so far. It had been over two weeks since we’d left Lake Tahoe, two weeks since I’d told Dani that my Ability felt different, and only now did I know to what extent. Now, as we neared the coast, it seemed that using my Ability had become effortless.
I could cast my feelers out for any unsettling minds that wandered too close. I didn’t need my eyes to know when danger was near because I could sense people—their emotions, their memories…the essence of who they were. I could reach further distances, a solid mile at least, and I didn’t have to worry about learning things others wanted to keep private unless I was purposefully looking. I could separate memories from emotions like they were oil and water. I could turn my Ability on and off at will.
Along with my memory returning, I was able to get back into a routine that felt more…me. I still helped Dani manage the horses each day and helped Ky scout for danger up ahead when we needed to find a place to rest each night, but I’d also earned myself a spot on a scavenging team whenever an extra scout was needed. I’d resumed self-defense and archery training just as intensely as I’d been doing before losing my memory and helping Harper gather and organize medical supplies when the opportunity presented itself. I had a purpose again, but even though I felt useful, something still felt off…
Leaning against Shadow, feeling his coarse mane between my fingers as I idly combed through it, I gazed out at the lowering sun. I’d seen many stunning sunsets over the past few months—traveling through Colorado, Utah, Nevada, and now through Northern California—but this sunset felt different, like it meant something. I figured it was just my antsiness that made it feel different, because tomorrow, I would go home.
Home. It was a place I both longed and loathed to visit. Returning there was one of the most petrifying things I could think of doing, more disturbing than seeing a wall of corpses and more unsettling than having a gun pointed at my face.
And my dreams had returned, haunting me like they used to. Sometimes my mom had a face, but it was distorted and permanently etched in a sneer, her voice cold and flat and menacing. Other times, she resembled herself—Dr. Wesley—but the malevolent gleam in her eyes continued to disturb me, even when I was awake. But none of those dreams were as horrible as the truth. My mom is alive. She created the Virus. She lives with the General. She has a family with him…
I let out a frustrated sigh. I needed to go home. It was all I had left of my dad, and I needed to say goodbye, and somehow I needed to leave all the disquieting memories of my past behind when I closed the front door for the final time.
No matter how honorable my mom’s intentions had been twenty-five years ago, she still killed billions of innocent people to save Jason, Dad, and me. She took Becca from Jake, Grams from Dani, and Dad from me…and I hated her for that. Part of me wondered how I could hate her when she was my mom, but the rest of me wondered how I could possibly forgive her. Was I even supposed to try? The questions looped through my mind, making it impossible to think of much else. Every time I thought I’d come to terms with my feelings toward her, thought I’d settled in to despising her, forgiveness and longing threatened to wash away all my anger and fear.
Shadow turned to me, nudging my belt buckle with his nose. He let out a chuff of air, and his impatience made me smile.
“Uh-oh, was I neglecting you?” His eyes blinked sleepily as I began stroking his sleek, muscled neck. “So sorry. What was I thinking?”
…about Mom and why I can’t forgive her. I had to continuously remind myself that she was a horrible person. I couldn’t just forgive her for what she’d done…what she was still doing. But it was never as simple as black and white, because I couldn’t truly hate her, either. She was also the person who saved me, who helped save Dani…she was my mom.
Diverting my thoughts to something less unsettling, I stretched my feelers a bit and focused on the mood inside the feed store, where Jake, Chris, and Ky were gathering the last of the horse tack, grain, and assorted pet food we needed for the dogs and goats. Inside, the team’s mood seemed pleasant enough, so I let them be, happy to be out in the sunshine on my own.
It was nice to get away from camp every once in a while—mostly because I felt like an ass around Tavis, no matter how nice he was about my momentary fickleness and mixed messages. Nothing had happened between us, not really. But I was kicking myself for putting everyone in an awkward position. And being around Sarah was hard, too. She’d been such a loyal, kind friend, and I’d gone snoop
ing around in her mind, finding nothing to make me feel uneasy, and yet I still did. She wasn’t stupid; she knew I was acting differently around her, and I hated that I couldn’t tell her why.
Wiping the moisture from my brow, I glanced down at Shadow. “Is it just me or is it getting too hot in the sun?” He simply stared ahead, his head hanging languorously as his eyelids grew heavier. “Come on,” I said. “Let’s park it in the shade.”
Welcoming any form of movement, Shadow perked right up as we headed to the shade of a few eucalyptus trees lining the side of the lot. I loosened Shadow’s reins so he could graze on a small patch of weeds growing beneath the trees.
At the sound of a dull thump behind me, I glanced over my shoulder to find Jake loading two large bags of dog food into the cart.
“Is that the last of it?” I asked. It was his ninth trip to the cart, and I wasn’t sure how much more we could really carry.
Jake grunted. “Close, I hope. They’re picking out a pair of chaps to take back to Harper.”
I pouted my bottom lip. “And they didn’t invite me?”
Wiping his hands off on his jeans, Jake walked toward me, a heart-stopping smile curving his lips. I liked the appraising way he studied me now—my old boots donned, my tank top and jeans, my new haircut. He acted like he was still trying to get used to me being back to me, even though it had been a couple weeks.
“It’s going to be a beautiful sunset tonight,” I said, trying to stay in the moment.
“Yeah?” Jake came around behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.
“You smell like a barn,” I said, wiping away the loose alfalfa flakes and grain dust from his arms.
He squeezed me more tightly. “Is that good or bad?” It was so wonderful to feel him again…not the Jake who’d accepted the other me and loved me the best he could, but my Jake.
“Oh, it’s good,” I said, a devious lilt to my voice. I craned my neck so I could see him.
“You’re so weird.”
I shrugged. “I can’t help it. It’s true. It’s nostalgic, I think…it reminds me of when we were back at the ghost town.” I eyed him, waiting for the memory of the morning we first made love to click into place in his mind.
Shaking his head, he let out a soft chuckle.
“Wanna sit down and watch the sun sink behind the hills with me?” I asked.
His amber eyes met mine again. They looked molten in the dying sunlight. He grinned wryly. “Aren’t you supposed to be working?”
“Ha. Ha. You’re so funny. I can do two things at once, you know. Watching a sunset isn’t overly exerting.”
“Only two things, huh?” His smile broadened. “Can you do more than two things at once?” he asked, his voice holding a seductive edge that made it impossible not to smile back. He kissed the side of my neck.
“I’m determined to,” I said, closing my eyes and wishing we could be alone for a few hours. “Ky will feel anything I miss…” I lost my train of thought as Jake brushed my hair away from the back of my neck, trailing his lips up and down my skin, bringing chills to its surface. I felt him smile against my neck, and I shivered.
“I wouldn’t want to risk your spot on the scavenging team,” he said with feigned seriousness. “You’re in a probation period right now, and you’re already failing miserably.”
I barked a laugh. “Entrapment, huh?” Prying his hands from around me, I stepped away and turned to face him completely. Jake’s response was a mere wink, and I shook my head. “You’re a horrible tease,” I said and dropped his hands.
Entwining my fingers with Jake’s, I plopped down against one of the tree trunks, tugging him down with me. Only, he resisted.
I looked up at him. “You joining me?” I asked, tucking my hair behind my ear.
He raised an eyebrow and gave me a sidelong glance. “You’re gonna get me fired from the scavenging team. I’m supposed to be working.”
I rolled my eyes. “Doing what? Shopping for chaps to wear with Harper?” I let out a tiny laugh at the thought. “We can enjoy a sunset while they’re doing that. Besides…” I patted the space next to me. “We can consider this research.”
“Research?” he asked, lowering himself down beside me. The scent of him filled my senses again, leather and hay and something minty.
“We can experiment,” I said, letting my voice drop to a seductive purr.
Jake positioned himself behind me, leaning back against the tree trunk and urging me to rest against him.
With one of his arms across my middle and the other draped casually over his bent knee, I twisted around to see the face that made my insides burn with welcomed desire. “We can test the multitasking facet of my Ability…see how much I can exert myself while staying focused and alert.”
He chuckled, a low, easy sound that made it impossible not to swoon. It was so good to hear him laugh.
“You don’t think so?” I let out a soft chuckle of my own and leaned back against him again.
“I think it’s a great idea…when we don’t have an audience.”
“If you say so,” I said, only partially dejected. “Maybe next time.” There was something thrilling about flirting with Jake. He was so strong and serious most of the time that goading him was like tempting a lion; beneath his rugged beauty was a physical prowess and hunger that made him dangerously alluring.
Refocusing on the lowering sun, I marveled at the bright orange already streaking across the sky, at the clouds cast in a rosy hue. “Look at that,” I said, gazing up at the frosted sky that looked good enough to eat. “I couldn’t sketch something so beautiful if I tried.”
I rested my head back against his shoulder, losing myself in the sound of his deep, even breathing and the strong, thrumming bass of his heartbeat. I sighed in contentment and closed my eyes.
Jake lowered his lips to my ear. “What are you thinking about?” he whispered. Before I could answer, his mouth gently brushed the side of my neck again, sending another wave of shivers rushing over my skin.
“Is that so,” he said, his voice light with amusement.
I could never get tired of this… Opening my eyes briefly, I saw the sky was glowing poppy red, and I closed them again.
“You’re tired.” Tenderly, Jake brushed a stray wisp of hair from my face.
I yawned in answer, and snuggled up closer to him.
Abruptly, his body tensed against me, and I opened my eyes to peer up at him.
“Is it the dreams?” he asked.
Righting myself, I let out a dallying breath and glanced around at the parking lot—the blackbirds had gone for the night, and Chris and Ky were still inside, Chris’s laughter carrying on the light breeze. “I’m fine. It’s just taking some time to acclimate, I think.”
Jake remained quiet, thoughtful, which meant he didn’t buy it. He knew about my dreams about my mom; he’d been the one to comfort me almost every night since my memory returned, despite his own feelings about her.
The longer Jake was quiet, leaving me with only the slightly increased thumping of his heart against my palm flattened on his chest, the more desperate and terrified I was to know what he was thinking. But I didn’t pry…I didn’t peek. I already knew how he felt, and as much as I could understand his resentment toward my mom, I couldn’t bear feeling it.
Finally, he broke the silence. “We haven’t talked about anything since your memory’s come back.” His fingers brushed the exposed skin on my arm.
Lifting my palm from his chest, I studied the dirt on both of my hands, uncertain what to say. Every topic would lead back to my mom, back to more reasons for him to hate her.
“We need to,” he said, a hint of frustration in his voice. “Something’s upsetting you…is it her?”
Sitting up, I turned to face him. “The shit I’m going through now is nothing you can help me with. I’m sorry, Jake, but it’s…it’s complicated.”
“Your mom…” He frowned. “I know—”
“I can�
��t hate her Jake, she’s my mom. I’ve barely even talked to her…”
Jake’s eyebrows drew together, and he leaned forward, his muscles straining as he pivoted me completely around to face him. “You’d be surprised how easy it is.” For a brief moment I saw the images of his own mother, a woman with a classic beauty that was washed out by years of drug use.
Jake’s features relaxed, and his eyes turned pleading. “But I don’t expect you to, Zoe. I know what it means to you to have her back.”
Of its own accord, my mind opened itself to his, searching for the truth in his words.
“But you hate her,” I said hollowly.
Jake didn’t have to say anything, I already knew it was true.
“What happens if I can’t hate her for what she did?” I asked, bitterness riddling my voice…bitterness at my mom for putting me in this fucking situation, and bitterness with myself for seeking what, deep down, I knew I would never have: a real mom. “What if I never can?” I’d finally asked him the single most important question I’d been obsessing over for the past week, but I didn’t avert my gaze, and I didn’t close myself off from him. I needed to feel the truth, to know if things were going to change between us because of her.
Our faces only inches apart, Jake asked me very softly, “What are you afraid of?”
A dark, loitering doubt harbored in my heart refused to go away.
“That I’ll leave? That I’ll resent you? Why can’t you trust me—us?” His voice was gentler than I’d expected.
“Is it so hard to believe that I would worry about you resenting me because of who I am? What happens if I forgive her? What happens if I want her to be in my life?”
Jake shook his head. “That won’t happen.”
“And how do you know?”
“You could never truly forgive her, not after what she’s done to you, to your family,” he said. “I know you’re scared, this is all new and confusing for you…I get that. But you won’t forgive her. You won’t choose her.”
Out Of The Ashes (The Ending Series, #3) Page 28