by Lindsey Iler
I scoot the chair closer to his bed and take his hand in mine. The rise and fall of his chest is the only thing reminding me I haven’t lost him. The rest of his body is completely still. My head slinks down until my cheek rests on our joined hands.
“I told Betty to hand me the clicker before she left, but she put it over there.” Graham’s voice, muffled by the mask, startles me. “Says it’s the least I deserve for scaring the shit out of her.”
“Scaring the shit out of us,” I correct him, sitting up. He blink’s slow, showing how weak he is. “What did you do?” I whisper, running my trembling hand over his cheek. “What did you do?”
My chest burns from the pain he endures as his coughs rattle his chest. My hand covers his heart, and I sense the unseen struggle his body is putting him through.
“Want to tell me why you’re dumb enough to run into a burning building?” I swipe at the tears on my face. The thought of losing him muddles my mind.
“I got the call about the fire almost immediately. When I showed up, Betty was out of her mind frantic. They couldn’t find Ben. After two separate head counts, they knew he was missing. One of the other boys said he ran back into the building.”
“Is he … is Ben okay?” My heart lurches in my chest.
“He’s okay. He’s being treated downstairs.” The clear relief he feels shines in his eyes. “Do you think you could do me a favor?” Graham pulls my hand to his mouth and kisses my palm.
“Anything.” I dry the tears on my cheeks, a failure at pretending to be strong.
Graham turns his face from me. “Will you go sit with him? I don’t want him to be alone.” His breath hitches and his voice quivers.
At this moment, when his mouth struggles to produce words, I know I’ve been right all along about Graham’s intentions with Ben.
“It’s okay to love someone that much, you know? You don’t need to hide the vastness of your heart from me.” I stand and press my lips against his forehead.
He clutches my forearm. When he turns his head to me, he slips the mask away from his mouth. “When I look at you, Kennedy Conrad, my world stands still. It always has.”
“I’ll be back, and Graham, I love you, too.” I kiss him quickly and slide the mask back over his mouth.
My back hits the wall outside his room, and I slump to the ground. My knees are too weak to hold the weight of my body. To get my breath under control, my head slumps between my legs. A nurse walking by asks if I’m okay, and I nod as I stand. Hallway signs direct me until I find myself, again, fearing what waits for me on the other side of the door.
I knock twice before a nurse ushers me inside. Her easy going smile erases a sliver of my anxiety. When Graham asked me to come down to check on Ben, I wasn’t aware of how nervous I would be. I wipe the sweat from my hands before finally looking up. The hospital bed sits against the wall. The thick metal bars along the side swallow Ben’s small frame.
“Can I help you?” An older woman stands from the window seat, dropping her People Magazine to the table.
“She can be here,” Ben explains. His voice is strained, much like Graham’s.
“And who is she?” The gray hair of the woman makes me think of the nasty leftover snow after cars have driven over it for weeks and weeks. She has the personality to match it as well.
“She’s Graham’s future wife.” Ben smiles at me.
At his announcement, her eyes soften, and her shoulders fall slack. “Well then, do you mind sitting with him for a while? I could really use some coffee.”
“I can stay as long as you need.” I pull up the chair as she leaves. When I turn back to Ben, he leans back against his pillow. “How you holding up, kid?”
He shrugs. “Is Graham okay?”
“He’s fine. He’ll be taking you to the batting cages in no time.” I pat his leg to comfort him. He’s worried.
“It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have run back in.” Ben punches at the mattress. His silent berating of himself makes my heart break. To him, Graham’s at hero status, and to think, even for a second, he’s caused him any pain is unbearable for Ben.
I rest my forearms on my thighs. “Can I ask why you went back in?”
Ben reaches under the muted, tan blanket. “For this.” He holds out a worn out baseball and the photo book I made him. I take them both in my hands. He takes the ball back and tucks it under the cover where he believes it will be safe as I look through the photobook. The pages worn from the smoke of the fire. When I reach the end of the book, I tuck it under the blanket where it belongs.
Instead of talking, I flip through the channels until I come across cartoons. Ben instantly perks up, sitting with his legs crossed over each other. A scrape under his eye. A bruise on his arm. Ben’s minor injuries will heal in time.
“You saved Graham’s life once.” Unsure where Ben is going with the simple statement, my response is a nod. “And now he’s saved mine.”
I nod again, resting my head on his arm as we both fall silent, enjoying a cartoon moose chasing after other woodland creatures.
Something once again shifts in my chest. My heart stretches, making a little more room for those I love. The ache opens me up, and my mind runs wild. For the longest time, my heart’s only belonged to Graham. Now all of a sudden, he isn’t the only one who takes up residency. Ben’s somehow wrapped his little fingers into my world. Somewhere between the moose learning he holds some magical power, and nightfall, I’ve given into the slumber I so desperately need.
After Kennedy leaves, the nurses allow me to remove my oxygen mask. I still feel a small wheezing in my chest, but I ignore the dull ache. Swinging my legs off the side of the bed, I push on the mattress to stand. Outside the windows, it’s dark. Where the hell did she go? The hall’s empty, and I sneak by, holding the back of my hospital gown shut.
The elevator ride to the second floor is quiet. When I asked Kennedy to check on Ben, I didn’t expect her to disappear all day. The young brunette at the nurses’ station leans around the counter and catches me. She doesn’t ask any questions, only shakes her head and grins as I stride by her to Ben’s room. A dry erase board gives his name and other important information. My eyes search the boards of the other children. Every one lists the name of the patient’s parents. Not Ben’s. Where their names should be, his is empty.
That’s not fair.
I ease the door open and walk inside. Kennedy gives me a questioning glance, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
“Are you supposed to be out of bed?” She stands from the chair she’s clearly been using as a bed, and stretches.
“Technically no.” I shrug. “The nurses were taking too long to ask them permission, so I took it upon myself.”
Kennedy waves a finger in the air, circling my face. “You’re off the oxygen.” Her eyes widen. “Oh god, Graham, please tell me they gave you permission.”
“Do I look like a total idiot?” I ask. “You know what, never mind. Don’t answer that. How’s he doing?” I nod my chin to a sleeping Ben.
“He’s okay. He told me why he ran back in the building.”
My eyes fall to Ben. He looks so helpless and tiny in the hospital bed. If anything would’ve happened to him, I don’t know what I would’ve done. “All for the photos and a stupid baseball. I told him I could’ve bought him new ones.”
“That’s not the point, though, is it?” Kennedy’s gaze falls to Ben.
“No, it’s not.”
Back in her chair, she picks up the remote and flips through the channels. I take the other seat beside his bed.
“Hey, little man,” I whisper to Ben.
“Let him sleep.” Kennedy waves in the air between us.
Her motherly tone makes me laugh. “So, what are we going to watch?”
“How about this?” She stops on some VH1 reality show, and when I immediately shake my head no, she tosses the remote to me. “Why don’t you pick?”
An action movie catches my eye. Instea
d of paying attention, Kennedy examines me out the corner of her eye. She doesn’t think I notice her, but I do. Every few minutes, I search Ben’s face and reassure myself he’s okay. Then I allow myself the pleasure of taking a detailed inventory of Kennedy’s profile.
When I return to the TV screen, Kennedy blurts out, “Have you ever thought of adoption?”
I sit up a little straighter at the word and turn to her. “Excuse me? What?”
“When I watch you with him, it makes me wonder what would happen if he was adopted by another family. You might never be able to see him again.” Kennedy shrugs. “How does that make you feel?”
“Scared.” I scrub my hands down my face, swallowing the frustrating lump in my throat.
“And why do you think that is?” Kennedy smiles, nudging me in the direction she knows we’ll end up anyway.
“Because he somehow has buried his little ass in the slivers of my heart.”
Kennedy laughs. “There’s that, and also because, for the first time, you see your life how it’s supposed to be, Graham.”
“Growing up the way I did, being a father was never in my plans.”
“Maybe because you’re afraid you can’t be the father you always deserved?”
“How would I even go about trying to adopt Ben? Could I even? I’m in college.”
“My guess is you talk to Betty. She’d probably be able to point you in the right direction.”
I sit back, my eyes on the television, but I have no idea what’s on the screen. When did this little boy come to mean so much to me? What kind of father would I be? My eyes turn to Kennedy, and I realize none of those questions matter. I take a deep breath, tears burning my eyes.
“Are we doing this?”
At the mention of we, Kennedy understands I won’t be doing this monumental thing alone. She’s part of the equation. The decision to adopt doesn’t just lay in my hands. She has a large say in whether or not this happens.
Kennedy’s eyes drop to Ben. His bottom lip quivers, and she laughs through the tears she’s trying to hold back. All I need to know is right here in front of me. Through her eyelashes, she peers at me. All the questions pour from her eyes. They’re the same ones I’m asking myself.
Can we afford to give him the life he deserves? What will our life look like? What will we be giving up?
And then her smile widens, and I realize we won’t be giving up anything.
“Marry me,” I whisper.
“What?” Kennedy’s eyes widen. She clutches her hand to her chest.
“You heard me.” I stand and circle the bed. “I know it’s not going to be easy, and at times we’re going to want to utterly kill each other, but the one thing I’ve always been sure of is, you and I are meant to be together. Until the end of time, Kennedy Lucille Conrad, I will be yours. Please, marry me.”
She trembles as she stands, throws herself into my chest, and wraps her arms around my waist.
“Is that a yes?” Ben’s small voice breaks us apart. The smirk on his face makes Kennedy and me take a deep breath.
“We’re doing this, then? The whole white picket fence, two dogs, and hundreds of children?” Kennedy asks.
“We’re doing this, if you say yes.” I eagerly nod, pulling her flush against me.
“Yes, of course, I’ll marry you.” Kennedy pulls me close, her hands on the sides of my face. Her fingers ruffle my hair.
Her mouth slams against mine. I skim my tongue over her bottom lip as she jumps into my arms. My hands roam up the back of her shirt until I hear someone’s throat clearing. We are slow to break the kiss. Ben is pointing at the door with an amused smirk on his face.
“Did we interrupt something?” Mr. Conrad’s familiar voice has us twisting around. “You might want to cover up, son.” He aims his attention to the back of my hospital gown. Ben’s giggle has the rest of us smirking.
Kennedy squeals, jumps down, and wraps her parents in a hug. Mrs. Conrad ducks out from her daughter and husband, and wraps her arms around me.
“Is my mom with you?” I ask.
“Of course, I came with them. My only son, the idiot who runs into burning buildings.” She waltzes into the room, her big personality swallowing up most of the space. Since my father’s incarceration, she’s gotten her groove back, for lack of a better word.
“They’re getting married,” Ben’s sweet, tender voice breaks the second of silence, unaware of the bomb he had dropped on our parents.
I turn to him and whisper, “Thanks a lot, little man.”
He shrugs unapologetically.
“What?” my mom screeches, pulling Kennedy’s hand to her face. She runs her finger over Kennedy’s bare finger. “It’s usually customary to give a ring, son.” She shoots me a disapproving glare. “Where’s the ring?”
“Mr. Conrad, do you have a second to talk?” Their gazes settle on me. “In the hallway, alone.” Passing Kennedy, I whisper, “I love you,” and wink to damper her worries as I follow her dad into the empty hallway.
“I know what you’re thinking, and before you kick my ass, let me explain to you why I love your daughter.”
“I’m listening,” he offers, leaning against the wall. His eyes scream he’s smiling, but his face hasn’t exactly caught up.
“You probably already know this, but your daughter is the most selfless, compassionate person on this planet. Somehow she’s complicated and predictable, all at the same time.” I take a long deep breath. My eyes burn when Mr. Conrad lays a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Mr. Conrad, your daughter has this ability to make me want to be a better man, and I know it’s because you and Mrs. Conrad raised her right. So thank you for creating this person who has the capacity to love someone like me.”
“If you could watch yourself through her eyes, you’d know that it has nothing to do with the capacity of her heart, Graham.” He pokes me in the chest. “It does, though, have everything to do with what’s in here. If you’re asking for permission to marry my daughter, you don’t need to. You had my permission the minute you allowed her to heal, even when it tore you apart to step away.”
“Thank you, sir.” I turn to walk back into the room.
“Graham,” Mr. Conrad calls out. I turn, my hand on the door knob. “You’ve grown to be quite the man. None of this has been easy, but I need you to know my wife and I would be honored to have you as our son.” He wraps his arms around me and pulls me in for a hug. In his embrace, my mind tries to remember the last time my own father hugged me.
Ben’s hospital room door swings open. Mrs. Conrad walks out and replaces her husband’s arms around me with her own. “Are you positive you want to marry our daughter? She can be a pain in the ass.”
“Mom,” Kennedy shrieks from behind us.
I release my hold on her mom and wrap an arm around Kennedy’s waist. “I’ve grown immune to her pain-in-the-ass-ness.” She smiles when my lips graze her temple. Her nose scrunches up, and she playfully smacks my stomach.
“We should probably get you back to your room. I’m sure the nurses are losing their mind right now,” Kennedy explains.
The parents leave to eat dinner, and Kennedy and I duck back into Ben’s room.
“Will I be able to be at the wedding?” He bounces up and down on the bed.
“We wouldn’t get married without you,” she whispers. Ben notices the tears fighting for their escape.
“Why are you crying?” Ben looks to me for an answer, and I shrug.
She kisses him on the forehead. “I just need some air is all. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” I see the struggle she’s having to hold her emotions inside. “Ben, I love you.” And then she runs from the room.
“Why is she so sad?” Ben asks. I sit down on the mattress beside him. “Did I do something?”
“You didn’t do anything, buddy. A lot has happened tonight, and I think it’s all hitting her right now,” I explain.
“Like you guys getting married?”
“Yeah,
that, and some other things, but it’s nothing you need to worry about right now.” I pat his leg.
“It was weird that she said I love you to me.” He crinkles his nose.
“You thought it was weird?”
“You’ve said it to me before.” Ben finds my hand and squeezes.
“I have.”
“Can you tell her I love her, too?”
“If that’s what you want.” His bright smile makes my heart soar. “I better go find her.”
Ben slinks down onto his pillow, barely able to keep his eyes open. When they finally shut, I creep the rest of the way out of the room. Kennedy sits, her head between her knees.
“You okay?” I crouch down in front of her, resting my hands on her knees.
She looks up at me, excitement flooding her eyes. “We’re really doing this? The marriage and trying to adopt him?” She tilts her head toward Ben’s door.
“I love you, Kennedy, and tomorrow, even if Betty tells us we’re misplaced in the idea of adopting Ben, I will still want to make you my wife and have hundreds of children and the white picket fence.”
She wraps her arms around my neck. “Okay, then, we’re doing this.”
Two Years Later
My eyes scan the vibrant grass of the stadium. The loud thunder of the crowd causes my stomach to somersault, and I swallow the lump in my throat. My eyes close, and I’m releasing a long breath when there’s a soft tug on my sleeve. I glance down at a mop of curly, brown hair.
“Did Nana Conrad get you something good?” I raise an eyebrow in warning at my mother. I know her. She doesn’t know how to say no to him.
“She did.” She hands me a cup, which is hopefully laced with something to calm my nerves. I take a gulp, but find it’s only Coca-Cola. At my audible groan, Will reaches from behind me with a flask in his hand, and gives me a questioning glance. I laugh, but brush him off.
“You’re an idiot,” Amanda scolds him. I don’t even understand why they’re sitting next to each other. At the wedding, they nearly ripped each other’s throats out. Their bickering behind me is evidence enough to why they never worked out.