Dear Ryan,
I’m so not telling you anything else about the books I’m reading. That topic of conversation is off the table.
Thanks for believing in me. You have no idea how much it means to hear you say that. I’ve made so many mistakes, it makes it hard to have faith in myself, but you give me that. I appreciate it.
Love,
Anna
Ryan Jacobs: Whatcha reading?
Anna Romano: Can it, Jacobs.
Ryan Jacobs: No can do.
Anna Romano: I’m not telling you anything.
Ryan Jacobs: I knew it!
Anna Romano: Knew what?
Ryan Jacobs: You are reading the sexy books.
Ryan Jacobs: I bet you did read the one with the whips.
Ryan Jacobs: Anna?
Ryan Jacobs: Hello?
Anna Romano: Goodbye, Ryan.
Ryan Jacobs: I’m like a dog with a bone, Anna, I’m not giving up.
Anna Romano: You’re going to be greatly disappointed.
Ryan Jacobs: Doubt that.
Anna Romano: What makes you so confident?
Ryan Jacobs: Because I know I’m right.
Anna Romano: Hate to tell you this, but you’re wrong. I haven’t read that book.
Anna Romano: Yet…
Ryan Jacobs: *groans*
Anna Romano: lol
~ 18 ~
Ryan
As the weeks progressed, it was more of the same. Anna and I would exchange emails, and I’d send her instant messages when we were online at the same time, which wasn’t too often given the time difference and the odd hours I kept.
We talked about everything—day-to-day stuff, music, movies, her therapy sessions, and the past. Ever since that first night on messenger, we opened up to one another more, but I felt like shit because I still hadn’t told her about Charlotte.
Kelsey asked me about it the last time we talked on Skype. She asked why I hadn’t told Anna. I didn’t have an answer for her.
Maybe I wasn’t ready to pop the new bubble Anna and I were living in. Maybe I didn’t want to hurt her or stress her out. While we’d been opening up to each other more and more, we hadn’t discussed any of the relationships we’d had in the years we were apart. I had a feeling Anna wouldn’t have much—if anything—to contribute to that conversation. Anna was making progress in her therapy, she’d done a complete one-eighty from the girl who tossed me out of her house and her life years ago.
I didn’t want to set her back. Charlotte was an unexpected blessing in my life, and I wanted to share her with Anna when I knew Anna could handle it.
So I kept Charlotte to myself, which meant I kept Kelsey to myself as well.
I hadn’t told Anna about my orders yet either. It would be great if she ended up at art school in San Diego, because then we’d be in the same city. Telling Anna about San Diego would be much easier than telling her about Charlotte. I knew I had to share both pieces of information with her, and soon. I just hoped it wouldn’t blow up in my face. A lie of omission was still a lie, wasn’t that how the saying went? Shit.
Glancing at the sheet of paper before me, I realized that for the first time in a long time, I missed home. I had just received another sketch from Anna in the mail. The first one she sent me was gorgeous—the view from the top of the hiking trail. I loved seeing it through her eyes. The one in my hands was of the creek. She’d taken my advice, and she and Ronnie traveled the bike trail often. In her note, she said that they had some warmer days, so she sat on a bench and sketched while Ronnie read. The image came to life as I pictured the exact place she’d drawn it. There was only one bench on the trail, after all, and I’d sat in that same place more than once.
Clearing my head, I opened up a new email and began to type.
To: Anna Romano
From: Ryan Jacobs
Subject: Happy St. Patrick’s Day
Dear Anna,
Do you and Ronnie have anything fun planned for St. Patrick’s Day? I remember the two of you used to go all out for holidays. Used to drive me crazy. In a good way, of course. Is the house all decorated? Ha, I guess you guys got it from your mom. I never really thought about that. It’s cool though, it’s cool you guys have those traditions. I wish my parents had been a little more traditional sometimes.
We’ve got some training exercises over the next few days, so I may not be able to get on my email. It’s routine stuff we do periodically while we’re out here, but they tend to be long days, and by the end I’m pretty wiped out. I’ll message you if I can though.
I can’t believe you want to go on a cruise! No offense, babe, but that’s the last kind of vacation I want to go on. I love my job, no doubt about that, but I get my share of ships at work. And water. My ideal vacation these days would be a cabin in the mountains with snow or something. As far inland as I can get. But…if you wanted to go on a cruise, I’d take you. I’m beginning to think I’d do anything you asked me to do.
I love the new sketch. You are so talented. I knew you’d get your muse back if you just tried. I hope everything works out with school and Mrs. Martin is able to pull some strings. It’s cool that she’s still looking out for you after all these years. I always liked her. Of course, it was in her class where we met, so room 105 will always hold a special place in my heart.
You know…if you end up at Braddock, you’ll be awfully close to me. I got my orders and I’ll be heading to San Diego, too, after this tour. It would be nice to be able to see you anytime I want.
I’ve been thinking about taking some online classes for my bachelor’s degree. If I ever want to go to OCS, officer’s school, then I’ll need a bachelor’s degree. I don’t know if I want to or not, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about. Even if I don’t choose to make a career out of the Navy, I’ll need a degree to get a good job anyway, so it’s not like it’ll hurt anything. Too bad I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I love the Navy, so it seems like the logical choice.
I’d better get going. I need to get some rest because the next few days are going to be brutal. Talk to you soon.
Ryan
~ 19 ~
Anna
Staring at the piles of paper on my desk, I realized that this was it. Everything I needed to complete the application process for Braddock Art Institute lay before me. I’d just gotten my GED test results and passed with flying colors. I even received a fancy certificate saying my scores were ranked with the top scores of the state. The entire state!
I couldn’t wait to share the news with Ryan. After the happy bomb he dropped on me in his last email, I knew he’d be excited, too.
He was heading to San Diego; I was headed to San Diego (hopefully!).
Our teenage dreams were coming true. We always knew we’d spend four years apart, then start the rest of our lives together. It didn’t happen exactly how we’d planned, but it was still happening. That had to count for something…right?
To: Ryan Jacobs
From: Anna Romano
Subject: Exciting News!
Dear Ryan,
First of all, I can’t believe you were holding out on me. San Diego!? That’s wonderful news.
I have some great news to share, too. I passed the GED! Not to brag, but I did really well on it, too. Mom, Dad, Ronnie, and I all went out for dinner and ice cream, kind of like how we used to when we got good report cards as kids. It was a lot of fun. Reminded me of some real happy times. The only thing missing was you, but you were there in my mind.
So I’m sitting here with a stack of papers on my desk, everything I need to get started on my Braddock application. I hope Mrs. Martin will be able to pull some strings and get me accepted sooner rather than later. I’m not holding my breath, but I am hopeful. Dr. Matson thinks this will be good for me. She tells me all the time how pleased she is with my progress and all the positive changes I’ve been making. My family, too. It’s nice. It makes me feel awful for not allowing her to help me years ago.
; Anyway, I better start sifting through this stuff. I’ll talk to you soon.
Love,
Anna
Working diligently, it took me a few hours to complete the forms and type up my admissions essay. Speaking of my love of art was easy, but putting myself out there was not. I was used to my art being on display, not my words. I plowed through though, leaving my heart and soul on those pages…pouring all my passion into one thousand words. When I was finished, I re-read the piece and let out a contented sigh. That essay and my portfolio made me a shoe-in for art school.
I opened my email one more time before I shutdown my computer for the night. There was a response from Ryan.
To: Anna Romano
From: Ryan Jacobs
Subject: RE: Exciting News
Dear Anna,
Congratulations. I’m so proud of you. Even if you don’t get into Braddock this fall, you’ll get in for next year. I have faith in you. Your work is nothing short of amazing and they’d be fools not to see that. Fools or blind. If they don’t want you, there are schools out there bigger and better than BAI, and they’d be lucky to have you.
You’ve got me craving ice cream, thank you very much. There’s some on the ship, but it’s not as good as the stuff we used to get from Scoops. That place was amazing. Is that where you went with your family? I remember all the times we went there, you always ended up with ice cream on the tip of your nose and I always ended up licking it off. You’d taste like butter pecan for hours after one of those trips. I miss that. I miss you. I don’t know what’s going on here, Anna, but I kind of like it. It feels like old times, like something I lost has been returned to me, and it feels good.
I’m glad things are going well in therapy. Don’t beat yourself up about not completing therapy the first time. You weren’t ready then, but you are now. That’s the difference. That’s why it’s working. You’re ready for change. Will Dr. Matson be referring you to someone in San Diego when you move? (Because you will be moving.) I know you’re doing well, but moving and starting school can be stressful and you need to make sure you’re taken care of. I don’t want anything to happen to you. I have absolute faith in you and your progress, but I don’t want something to set you back, you know? Please don’t get upset with me for saying that. I care about you, that’s all.
I watched a movie with some of the guys last night, Captain America. Remember when we saw that in the theater? It was a double date with Ronnie and Derek the douche. Ronnie was so bored, but you loved it. When I get back to the States, I want to take you to the movies. We’ll find whatever superhero flick is in the theaters and see it. If there isn’t one, I guess we’ll just have to rent one. Something new that neither of us have seen before. We can cuddle up on the couch with a blanket and some popcorn and chocolate…actually, screw the movie theater…we’ll just find something to rent. ;)
I gotta get going, but I wanted to respond quickly and tell you congrats. I’m proud of you. I knew you had it in you. You can do anything you want to do, A. Anything.
Ryan
My heart soared and my body heated at the memories he’d shared. What he left out of his email was that we made out like the teenagers we were when we watched Captain America. We had to stay for the next showing because we missed most of the first. Oh…and the part about the ice cream…I had to fan myself. Literally, fan myself. I hadn’t been with anyone since Ryan. Not a date, not a kiss, nothing…and his reminiscence left me hot and bothered.
What was I going to do with him?
What was I doing with him?
I don’t know what’s going on here, Anna, but I kind of like it. It feels like old times, like something I lost has been returned, and it feels good.
Me, too, Ryan. Me, too.
~ 20 ~
Anna
“Welcome to Braddock Art Institute’s Class of 2021.”
I hadn’t stopped smiling since I left the meeting with Mrs. Martin. The dean's words replayed themselves on repeat in my mind. We had a video conference with her colleague at the college, along with the Dean of the College of Fine Arts and the Dean of Admissions. They were all so impressed with my portfolio, which Mrs. Martin helped me get ready. I couldn’t thank her enough. I hugged her with tears streaming down my face for a solid five minutes before I ran out of her studio and met my mom in the parking lot. Mom and I bounced and laughed and cried, celebrating the achievement.
I couldn’t wait to tell Ryan, but I kind of wanted to surprise him, thinking it would be fun to meet him in San Diego when his flight came in. He would have no idea I was in San Diego, and I was certain I’d be able to get the details of his flight out of him. After months of emailing and messaging, we’d gotten closer, reminiscing about old times. I just knew he’d be excited to see me.
I logged onto my computer and opened my email, hoping for a message from him. I wanted to get my fill before Ronnie and I headed out to our favorite Mexican restaurant for Cinco de Mayo.
I frowned at the lack of email, but smiled when an instant message popped up.
Ryan Jacobs: Can you talk?
Anna Romano: Of course, what’s up?
I loved being able to chat with him in real time on messenger. It lessened the distance between us…mentally at least.
Ryan Jacobs: Do you have Skype?
Anna Romano: Yeah, Ronnie made me get it so we could video chat.
Ryan Jacobs: You and Ronnie video chat from inside the same house?
Anna Romano: What’s wrong with that?
Ryan Jacobs: You two are so lazy.
Anna Romano: Well, maybe I don’t want to video chat with you.
Lie! Lie!! I totally wanted to video chat with him. I hadn’t seen his face in months, and I was having withdrawals. Pictures just didn’t cut it. They weren’t the same.
Ryan Jacobs: Please, Anna. I need you.
That sobered me up. He needed me? Was something wrong?
Anna Romano: Is everything okay?
Ryan Jacobs: It will be. What’s your user name?
Anna Romano: AnnaBanana1201. Don’t laugh…Ronnie created it.
I opened Skype, logged in, and immediately had an incoming video call. I clicked to accept, and then he was there. My smile spread so far across my face, my cheeks hurt.
“Hey,” I said, giving a little wave.
“Hey,” he said. His return smile was brief.
“What’s going on?” I asked, concerned by the rigid set of his posture.
He looked over his shoulder, then moved closer to the computer screen.
Weird.
“We had some training exercises today. More routine stuff. It should have been routine.” His brows creased and his voice was low, but frantic. “Something went wrong with one of the jets. The pilot had to eject. The plane…it crashed.”
I gasped, raising my hand to my mouth. “Is he okay? Was anyone hurt?”
He exhaled a gust of breath and shook his head. “He was fine. He got out just in time. The jet hit the water a couple hundred yards away. It just…it scared the hell out of me, you know? We were lucky, so lucky.”
“Do you know what went wrong?”
He scowled, his brows still knitted. “A dive team is working on retrieving the wreckage. The pilot reported some smoke in the cockpit before he ejected. I wasn’t on the radio, so I don’t know what all he said, that’s just what was told to me. It was probably something mechanical.”
“That must have been horrifying.”
“It was. Everyone is safe, and I didn’t do anything wrong, but it still shook me up real good.” He lifted up a hand, and I watched it shake through the screen. I wanted to reach through and hug him. He curled his fingers into a fist, then spread them out…over and over again, as if expecting the digits to stop trembling.
“I’m so sorry, Ryan. Is there anything I can do?” He appeared so dejected, so exhausted.
“Just talk to me. I don’t have long, but I love hearing your voice.”
My heart melted
into a puddle right there on the floor of my bedroom.
“I’m going for my road test tomorrow,” I told him excitedly.
“It’s about time,” he said flatly.
“Hey! Be nice. I’m conquering one little thing at a time.”
“I’m just teasing you. I’m proud of you, Anna. You’re doing great.”
“Thanks.” Smiling shyly, I imagined how proud he would be if he knew I was going to Braddock. My smile spread into a grin as I thought about my plan to surprise him.
“What are you smiling about?”
“Nothing, I’m just happy to be talking to you.”
“What else have you been up to?”
I told him what I did over the last few days. Nothing too exciting…more hiking, biking, and volunteering with mom. He smiled, nodded, and laughed in all the appropriate places.
Then he had to go.
“I’m sorry to cut this short, but I shouldn’t even be in here. I just wanted to talk to you. I needed to see you.”
“I’m here for you, Ryan. Anytime.”
“Thanks, A.”
“Bye,” I waved, and he waved back before disconnecting the call.
I got up, walked over to my bed, and fell onto my back with a smile the size of Alaska on my face. I got to talk to him…I saw him! Rolling over, I tucked my face into my pillow and squealed.
Butterflies!
Butterflies had taken flight in my belly. That was the only way I could describe the feeling.
Here Without You Page 9