“It’s primitive,” Eliza whispered one last comment.
In only a few seconds the door swung open. Toby stood in front of them, his shirt opened. He grinned widely, his lips spreading thickly over his straight teeth.
“Well, well, Miss Esther,” he smacked her name on his tongue, not bothering to acknowledge Eliza. “I didn’t know that all I had to do was impregnate some woman in order to get you inside my home.” He winked suggestively and looked her up and down.
Esther swallowed, feeling exposed. Toby had a way of undressing a woman with his eyes that made her feel dirty. He barely stepped aside as Esther moved past him, forcing her to brush against him. By some power greater than herself she was able to stand strong. Eliza followed her, escaping the crude gaze of Toby. Esther gripped the sides of her skirt. There had been a time when she had purposely forgone vanity. No shiny hair done up, no beautiful clothing or even a dab of rouge. It wasn’t until Michael was three months old that she realized she needed to look good for him. People tended to treat him better, talk of him better, if Esther was well dressed and done up. After that she made a special effort to appear beautiful even though for quite a while she was afraid to walk in public looking nice. Soon, however, it became habit and then it became something she enjoyed. Not, however, with Toby licking his lips at her. She longed for a cloak of invisibility.
“Where is Mary?” Esther asked with firmness and more strength than she felt.
Toby nodded in the direction of a closed door. “She’s lying in there like some swollen pig. Says everything hurts.” He suddenly stepped in front of Esther, his hot breath covering her like a suffocating blanket. “She can’t do what a wife is supposed to for a husband, if you get my meaning.”
Esther braced herself for the wave of anxiety, but instead she lifted an eyebrow as a thought crashed through her fears. Joseph would strangle you if he knew what you were saying to me. Esther felt her mouth twitch with a hint of a smile. For some reason the thought gave her courage and drowned her usual fears. Why would the thought of Joseph comfort her? she wondered. He’s not my knight in shining armor, and I do not need him or any other man to fight my battles. Yet, she couldn’t deny the calm that had come with the thought of Joseph.
“Step aside Toby,” she said calmly, “and let me do my job.”
Toby smirked and stepped aside. Not knowing what to expect, Esther opened the door and walked into the dark room. Eliza gasped behind her, covering her mouth.
“Lord have mercy,” Eliza whispered through her hand. Esther glanced swiftly around, not wanting to embarrass Mary who lay on a small bed covered in gray blankets and dirty sheets. Empty whiskey bottles littered the floor as well as limp clothing. The walls were covered with nailed-up pictures of obscene women in compromising positions. With her lips parting slightly Esther put on her midwife smile and walked over to Mary.
“Good afternoon, Mary; I appreciate you letting me come,” she said gently as if talking to a wounded animal.
Mary barely returned the smile. It was more of a grimace mixed with a small moan. “Toby don’t like people coming in and out. I try not to need a lot—don’t want Toby thinking I take too much work,” she explained with a grunt as she tried to lift up her body.
“I see,” Esther said, helping Mary sit up a little higher. “Well, I will just examine you and make sure the baby is in the right position and that both you and your baby are healthy.” She nodded towards the sheets, “May I?”
Mary hesitated then finally nodded. Esther began to remove the scratchy blanket. Eliza sucked in a breath as Esther took off the cover and pulled up Mary’s skirt. Huge blue veins in oddly twisted shapes bulged through the white skin. There was no shape between the knee and foot, only swelling flesh. The smell that escaped made bile rise in Esther’s throat. She clenched her muscles forcing it to stay down. She heard Eliza gulp and quickly glanced in her direction. Eliza was looking away, her fingers pressing lightly on her lips also trying to keep down the urge to vomit.
“I used to have me such pretty legs,” Mary moaned, tears springing to her eyes. “Nice long legs, slender and white. Toby liked them.”
Esther nodded and began to take some cooling lotion and rubbed it lightly on the legs and then massaged her ankles. Mary sighed with pleasure.
“Your legs will go back as they were before, Mary. This is rather common, especially when women are in their last month as you are,” Esther said, trying to smile brightly.
Mary guffawed bitterly. “Toby don’t like me being pregnant…wish I wasn’t. This baby has ruined everything. I can’t be giving Toby what he wants because of it, and I ain’t pretty because of it. Honestly, I don’t want this here baby,” Mary scowled and crossed her arms like a child.
Esther made no reply, merely pressing her lips together and biting her tongue. Eliza on the other hand let out a gasp, her own eyes brimming with tears, “How can you say that Mary Higgins?” she hissed. Esther snapped a look at Eliza trying to silence her. Eliza ignored her. “A child is a blessing and a privilege.”
Mary snorted. “You don’t know. You don’t have no children. It ain’t a blessing and it ain’t no privilege.”
Eliza gaped at Mary, shaking her head; she looked away and held up her hands in surrender. “I… I’m sorry Esther I can’t,” she turned and ran towards the door. “I just can’t.” Esther heard the front door slam. Her own heart ached for Eliza, as well as Mary. To Mary, Toby was the world, and without him, she was nothing. All in all Mary, was a baby and was not ready to have a baby herself.
“Silly woman,” Mary muttered, referring to Eliza. “That’s why she ain’t married—don’t know how to take care of a man.”
Esther gave a non-committal smile and raised Mary’s blouse. Shiny stretch marks danced across the taunt belly like shooting starts testifying to a miracle. Esther grinned, tracing them with her finger before moving her skilled hands around the belly.
“Your baby is in the right position, Mary. Hopefully you will have a fairly easy labor,” she said optimistically with a smile that she hoped hid her clouded eyes. She finished her inspection and then pulled out a bottle of rose water and muslin squares.
“You gonna wash me?” Mary asked excitedly. Esther nodded and began bathing down Mary, determined that the unborn child would have a clean mother. “I’m gonna be smelling real pretty after, huh?” She leaned back grinning and wiggled her puffy toes. “I ever tell you about the time when Toby proposed to me?” she asked, lighting up.
Esther shook her head. “No, but I would love to hear it,” she said before holding her breath to clean Mary.
After some time, Esther pulled out a clean blanket from her basket. She had felt to take it without knowing why, but through the years she’d learned to follow promptings from the heart. Now she was glad as she laid the soft blanket on Mary who stroked the “pretty thing” like a kitten. Esther bit her lip. She did not know what orders to give to Mary. The intense swelling in her legs was not good. She needed rest and lots of water. On the other hand, some movement might help get the blood moving and usher in the labor.
“Mary, I need you to drink lots of water,” she finally said, “and I will be visiting you every morning.” Esther decided that was best. In this way she could gauge how Mary was doing on a daily basis.
“I don’t know if that be a good idea,” Mary said, a line of worry wrinkling her forehead. “Like I said, Toby don’t like it when people be coming over.”
A shadow fell across the room sending an involuntary shiver down Esther’s spine.
“Well, it depends on who is coming,” Toby laughed and again licked his lips at Esther.
Disgusting! Why can’t this man keep his slug-like tongue in his mouth?
Mary’s countenance fell; she held the blanket close as if it would protect her from dark thoughts and fears.
Esther stood up and felt something she had not felt for a long time: Rage. Feeling fearless, she picked up her basket and strode over to Toby. “Mr.
Higgins, a word please,” she demanded, walking past him.
Joseph really would strangle him, a fragmented part of her brain brought up again. Esther bit her cheek with annoyance. Why was she thinking about Joseph? But again, courage and calm welled up inside of her.
“You want a word, Miss Esther?” Toby smiled and stepped close to her. Too close. “I can give you a lot more than a word,” he winked.
Esther fought the urge to step back, instinct told her Toby would translate it as fear and fear would excite him, possibly encourage him.
Sick man.
Esther lifted her chin and pinned Toby with a gaze so sharp that his smile fell. “Mr. Higgins, as soon as Mary shows signs of labor, no matter how early, I am taking her to my home where she will deliver the baby. Understood?” Her voice was full of resolve. Toby scowled in confusion. He wasn’t used to being told what to do.
“I say what goes on here,” he finally snapped through slurred speech. “That’s my woman and I say what she does, where she goes, and how she does it. You understand me?”
Esther stared down the insipid man. With a sigh of disgust she pulled out a bag jingling with coins. She watched as Toby’s greedy face lit up. “That there sounds like a lot,” he commented with sickening glee.
“It is, and it is yours if and when you allow me to take Mary to my home,” she bargained. Bribery may not be godly, but a baby’s life was at stake and God loved babies more than anything. That she knew for sure.
Toby huffed, knowing he was defeated. “Fine. You can take my pregnant pig to your house. Honestly, I didn’t want no baby junk on my bed.” He scowled as Esther put the coins away.
“Well then, we have a deal. Good day, Mr. Higgins,” Esther spun around and left the musty house. She shut the door behind her and took a deep breath of the fresh air. It felt like pure deliverance. She had seen many rough things; Tall Pine in general was a good town with well-meaning people, but like everywhere it had its dark corners and troublemakers. Men like Toby Higgins though were just plain ol’ wicked. He delighted in evil and Esther knew that no innocent baby under her watch would be born in that home.
Eliza was waiting in the cart, her elbows on her knees and her chin resting on her hands. “I’m sorry,” she blurted out before Esther could pull herself up. “I don’t know what came over me.” Her eyes were still glistening with tears.
Esther shook her head. “Don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for,” Esther assured her, flicking the reigns. She wanted to drop Eliza off and get to Michael as soon as possible.
Eliza was silent for only a minute before a sob escaped her lips. “It’s just so damn unfair, Esther,” she cried out and immediately lowered her eyes. “Excuse the language.”
Esther smiled. “I took no offense Eliza,” she said with a twinkle in her eye.
Eliza sighed and wiped the tears away. “Why are you so strong, Esther? Tell me how you live your life without bitterness, because I can’t do it. I used to ask God for a child, but now I know it is too late.” She hesitated, “Even if I were to marry,” she continued not wanting to think of Kyle Lampton but unable to help herself, “I am no longer young.”
“You’re not old,” Esther objected.
“Yes, but I am not young,” Eliza cried. “Who knows if I will ever be able to have a child? Now I ask God why. Why when I have tried my whole life to be a good Christian, to follow God’s will, tried to be Christ-like and serve others, why am I denied the one thing I want more than anything in the world? While scum like the Higgins are expecting a child that they don’t even want?” Her voice was broken in between sobs as tears soaked her skirt.
Esther was silent for a moment listening to Eliza’s heartbreaking words. Words that she understood all too well. She herself had been angry at God, had cursed His name and had shaken her fist at heaven. How could He have abandoned her when she had been faithful to Him? What kind of Heavenly Father allowed a daughter to experience such grief? She’d had to fight demons in order to see that He had kept angels around her. She’d had to experience hell in order to have heaven. Growing up, her life had been one of encouraged naivety. But now she was strong and had compassion, which opened her up to more understanding and joy. Above all, she had Michael. She would go through any pain and suffering again to have Michael. He was proof of God’s eternal and incomprehensible love.
“Eliza,” she said softly, “I wish I could give you the answer, but God’s plan for everyone and His relationship with them is so individual that answers only come when you are willing to bruise your knees with prayer and weary yourself with faith. You will have the answer one day. It may not be at the time you want, but it will be in the Lord’s time, which is always best.” She paused, studying Eliza’s face to make sure that she was not hurting a wound. Eliza nodded and looked at her hopefully, encouraging Esther to continue. “God loves you more than you can imagine. He does not always stop bad things from happening to us, and I don’t know why. But I do know every hardship we have, when we remain faithful, God sanctifies and turns into a blessing. I like to think of our trials as stinging nettle, and beside every stinging nettle there is a horsetail plant that has a liquid to sooth the rash. God does not keep us from getting stung, but He always gives us our own horsetail. Look at Michael—he is my world. What happened to me was horrible, but what God gave me was wonderful… perfect even. Besides, my sorrow and anger forced me to turn to God where I have found peace and true happiness.” She smiled softly, “As humans we have a tendency to turn to God only when dark clouds are in our life.” Esther bit her lip, she didn’t want to preach to Eliza, merely comfort her, but she also knew that God’s love and ways could not be described, only felt and experienced.
Eliza smiled. “Michael is a miracle isn’t he?”
Esther nodded. “A living, breathing miracle.”
“Well, Esther, I thank you. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.” Eliza leaned over as Esther pulled to a stop and embraced her. “Now, I will go inside and have some chocolate cake that was left at my shop by some stranger,” she laughed shakily. Esther smiled in delight, knowing full well who left the cake even though Eliza found it difficult to speak of Kyle Lampton, as if speaking of him would bring bad luck. She watched the slight figure of Eliza walk away then turned the horse towards the direction of the schoolhouse. She was now hungry, very hungry, and missing her son. No doubt Michael was thrilled beyond measure as he played with Joseph.
Without thinking Esther smiled. “Joseph,” she muttered softly before shaking her head and singing a song to keep her mind clear.
Ten
Michael’s face hovered an inch above a pile of fish bones and eyes, fascinated with the gore.
“Take a bite Michael; I am sure it is delicious,” Joseph prodded teasingly. Michael scrunched up his face and shook his head as he made a “yuck” sound. Joseph laughed, casting a warm smile at the boy. Michael was at the age where he found everything amazing; his wonder was contagious and Joseph saw himself seeing things through Michael’s eyes: the fishing was amazing, the fish guts were awe-inspiring, the freezing cold stream was hilarious. All in all, Joseph couldn’t remember the last time he’d had such fun.
A memory flashed back at him when he himself was sixteen; his stepfather had nervously asked to take him fishing, then hunting, riding, many things. Each time Joseph refused. Jefferson had treated him awkwardly for the first few years of being a stepfather. Joseph had interpreted that awkwardness as a lack of caring; after all, how could Jefferson care for a boy who was not his own? Now here he was feeling tenderness toward Michael and even a protectiveness, jumping any time Michael slipped in the stream or walked out of his sight. He wondered if Jefferson had cared for him. Maybe it took a while to know what to do with a young boy still mourning for his father. Joseph had not been like Michael, quick to love and accept a man who was not his father. No, Joseph had been reserved and standoffish. Perhaps Jefferson was being delicate with him, not wanting to rush Josep
h or scare him. Perhaps that was why it had taken a few years before Jefferson tried active bonding, but by then, Joseph had already formed a strong opinion about their relationship and would not let it change.
I must write to Jeff, Joseph told himself as these thoughts paraded through his mind. He had been putting it off, unsure of what to say. Still, he needed to ask about the ranch and maybe express some sort of gratitude… not a lot. Joseph was a grown man after all. Even so, Jefferson deserved some form of thanks for what he had done.
“Are we going to cook these?” Michael asked, wandering over to Joseph’s side. “I hardly ever have fish,” he said with a contemplative flex in his voice as if the fact just occurred to him.
“Your momma doesn’t cook fish often?” Joseph asked. Maybe she didn’t like it.
“No, she prefers beef I think.”
Joseph smiled; he knew he liked the woman. “Beef, huh, but no fish?”
“She tried to take me fishing one time, but it didn’t work out so well.”
Joseph cut open the last trout. “What happened?”
“I didn’t listen to my momma and went too far out in the water. Momma had to swim out and get me before I drowned.”
“She saved you?” Joseph was now much more interested in the story.
Michael nodded. “I told her I would never go near the water again, so the next day she took me back and taught me how to swim. She took me every day until I could swim as well as her,” Michael said with pride. “Now I am no longer afraid of the water.”
Joseph smiled: Esther was a good mother. He imagined her in the water, laughing and letting down her long hair, wet and carefree. Joseph suddenly shifted, feeling mighty warm. He quickly stood and nodded to the basket of fish.
“You want to carry the rods or the fish?” he asked Michael.
Michael took the fish and fell in step with Joseph who was wondering if Esther would be back soon. Not that he minded spending time with Michael; in fact, he realized he loved spending time with Michael. As if reading his thoughts, Joseph suddenly felt a warm little hand slide into his own. He looked down to see Michael’s smile beaming up at him. A lump formed in Joseph’s throat. He smiled back and squeezed Michael’s hand gently.
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