“And does he have a chance?” Aunt Lily asked unabashedly.
Esther looked up with surprise. How could Aunt Lily even ask that question? She knew what Esther had gone through. “No, of course not—I—you know I can’t marry!”
“Can’t?” Aunt Lily asked.
“Yes, I can’t. There are too many complications and too many changes that would have to happen.”
“Change is not always bad, Esther,” Aunt Lily paused setting the table and turned to face her niece.
“It is if you have worked hard to make a life—a happy life.”
Aunt Lily bit her lip, pondering the conversation for a few seconds. “You know Esther, your mother and I did not have the most, well, supportive of mothers. She allowed our father to be harsh with us in both word and in body. I still remember going to school trying to cover the bruises on my arms and occasionally my face. Your mother learned to be quiet. She learned to be submissive so as to not anger our father and mother. Her outcome was marrying a man exactly like our parents. I, on the other hand, became aggressive—wild in word and morals.” Aunt Lily’s usually bright eyes clouded over. “My body was no longer my own. I am not saying my experience was as awful as yours, but at least you have the dignity to know that your values were intact. Mine, on the other hand, were handed out with my consent. It created a horrible self-loathing.”
Esther froze, shocked by her aunt’s revelation.
“Finally, I found God. I got my life cleaned up, took a job as a waitress, and paid my way through school to become a nurse. I never looked back. I kept going and eventually met your uncle.”
Esther had had no idea about her aunt’s past. Her own mother had said Aunt Lily was wild, but Esther had assumed that she was simply referring to Aunt Lily’s wild ideas of women voting, having equal rights, working outside the home, and such, not that Aunt Lily had lived a wild life.
“Aunt Lily, my goodness, I had no idea. You are such a godly and good woman.”
Aunt Lily shrugged nonchalantly, “That is because the past is the past. I figured if God could forgive it then I should, too. We are taught to forgive others and that includes ourselves. I tell you this Esther because had I held on to my past, my mistakes, my bitterness and fears, I would not have had the full life that I’ve experienced. One thing I have learned as a nurse is that every human being has a past—they have scars and traumatic experiences. Those who can move on become happy and those who don’t eventually become empty like.”
Esther nodded. “Do you not think though, that some things are just too hard to move past?”
Aunt Lily began setting the table again. “I think some wounds take longer to heal than others. And it is not our job to tell God when to heal them or how.”
Esther poured the sauce over the pork. “Wise words from a wise woman.”
Aunt Lily laughed and shook her head. “No, experienced words from an experienced woman.”
/
Joseph had no idea what was wrong with his sister. She’d changed her outfit six times yesterday, redone her hair three times this morning, burnt rolls and dropped a pan of buttery pancakes for breakfast.
“Stupid pancakes! I should just cancel dinner with Esther. I’ll only make a fool out of myself.”
Now it was getting serious. “You can’t cancel with Esther. Michael will be so disappointed,” he argued, walking into the kitchen to help her.
“Well, Michael has a good mother so he will be fine. A good mother who everybody likes and respects and a mother who even my own brother wants to marry,” Abby blurted out and tossed down the wet rag, putting her hand over her face with a shaky sigh.
Joseph sighed and sat down on the kitchen floor with her. “This isn’t about the pancakes is it?” he asked. He did not know a whole lot of women, but he did know that they were a confusing species.
“No,” Abby whimpered.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked hesitantly.
“No!” Abby cried.
Joseph nodded, relieved, and began to help her silently.
“You don’t want to know why?” Abby asked as if he had done something wrong.
Joseph looked down. “Alright Abby, what is wrong?” He sat down again. “I want to hear.”
“Will asked another girl to the barn dance and,” she bit her lip, “I like him—really like him—possibly love him.”
Joseph blinked. His socialite sister had fallen for the poor pastor? Life was indeed grand. “Have you told him that?”
Abby looked shocked. “Of course not! How can I tell him I love him if I don’t even know how he feels about me?”
Joseph shrugged, “Abby, he either does not know you are interested and so is pursuing other women, or he’s just not interested in you.” Joseph said, pleased that he could help.
Abby’s bottom lip quivered. “I knew it! He doesn’t like me. He thinks me a foolish, silly girl—no, worse, he thinks me amusing.”
Joseph stood up abruptly. “Abby, stop please. I think you should talk to Esther. I am sure she will know what to say.”
Abby made a frustrating growl, “I love Esther, but why is she so right all the time and so desirable.”
Joseph smiled. Esther was indeed desirable. “Because, Esther knows exactly who Esther is,” he said, thinking of her gracious movements, her constant smile, and her almond-shaped eyes. “And as far as I know, Esther does not whine. Remember this, little sister, men every now and then like a damsel in distress, but they don’t want an insecure girl. There is a big difference.”
Abby rolled her eyes as Joseph left to go fetch the beautiful cowboy hat with the snakeskin band, which matched his own, for Michael. He found himself looking forward to Michael’s reaction and wondering if Esther would approve. Curiosity had him in a tight grip when it came to Esther and her past. He had promised Abby not to write to the detective in New York, and he promised Esther he would not pry and ask either her or Michael, and yet he doubted Esther would ever tell him voluntarily. Abby said things would take care of themselves and to have faith.
Joseph sighed. Faith was such an ambiguous term. Besides, he was an action-oriented man. Simply waiting and hoping was something he had never been able to do well.
“Joseph, you ready?” Abby’s voice halted his thoughts.
He shook his head and ran a hand through his thick hair. “Yes, I am ready.”
Ready for Esther to shun me and Michael to embrace me.
/
Esther was having a hard time concentrating on the Sunday sermon. Her mind was filled with concern for the people she’d personally taken under her care. Her eyes drifted to new mothers, and mothers to be. Melissa had attended with her gurgling baby who already looked a bit plumper. She seemed better, more rosy and bright-eyed with her husband’s arm around her. Suzanne Gable was there, sitting very tightly cross-legged. Esther had to smile knowing that she was trying to keep the baby in. Still, her skin was sun kissed and glowing. She had taken Esther’s advice and had been tending to her garden. Not losing the baby had given her courage to move about and come to church.
Esther then glanced at the three non-pregnant people giving her concern: Will, Abby, and Joseph. Will’s sermons had improved dramatically in the past few weeks. His actions had always been kind and serving, but his sermons had been rough and harsh. After the arrival of Abby, his Sunday message had grown softer, portraying God as a loving father. Today, however, his words were slightly jumbled and unfocused. He kept glancing at the smiling Rachel and then at the grim-faced Abby who looked like a woman slighted. Then Esther glanced under lowered eyelashes at Joseph. His jaw was set tightly and his lips pressed into a thin line. She could not tell if he was focused on the sermon or upset about something.
Michael fidgeted next to Uncle Tim and Aunt Lily. “This is a long sermon,” Michael whispered impatiently.
Esther gave a single nod. “I’m sure it’s almost over. You are being very patient.” She glanced over at Joseph who looked extremely pens
ive… no, more agitated than pensive. The right side of his jaw twitched repeatedly and his eyes narrowed. Despite looking like a frustrated bull he was very handsome. Especially handsome. Esther looked away. She could appreciate a fine face and figure, but that did not mean she should linger on it.
Michael sighed loudly. He was no longer patient. “Can I go sit with Joseph?” he begged.
/
Joseph caught Esther’s attention while she tried to keep her fidgeting son from rocking the bench back and forth. Goodness, he liked that woman. Who was he kidding? He loved her. Much to his delight Esther gave him a friendly little wave with her fingers. When he motioned silently for Michael to come over to him, Esther nodded her head. She bent over and whispered to Michael, instructing him to walk quietly. Michael gleefully stood up and tiptoed through the congregation over to Joseph.
“Did you bring me the present you ordered?” he whispered. Several heads turned to stare Michael into silence. When they met Joseph’s challenging look, they decided it was better to ignore the boy’s chatter.
Joseph picked up Michael. “I sure did,” he said softly. “I’ll give it to you when the sermon is over.”
Michael sighed, covering the side of his mouth to whisper into Joseph’s ear. “Are you going to the barn dance?”
“Sure am,” he replied in a whisper. “Are you?”
Michael nodded. “Will you be asking my mom to dance?”
Joseph smiled. “I will ask her, but I just don’t know if she’ll say yes.”
Michael furrowed his eyebrows trying to look like a hard thinking man. “She never dances with men. At least, I’ve never seen her dance with one.” Looking back at his mom, Michael held up his hand again and leaned toward Joseph’s ear. “She was hurt by a man you know.” Then as if worried what Joseph would think he added, “but all men aren’t bad.”
Joseph glanced at Esther while putting the pieces of Michael’s words together. Esther had been hurt? Physically? Emotionally? The thought of a man hurting her body made Joseph angry. Yet the thought of her loving a man and him abandoning her with a child also enraged him. Had she loved another? Had he left? Did she still love him?
/
Will finally closed the sermon with a relieved sigh. He had not practiced. He had not even written a sermon. Yesterday’s events had him in a conundrum. He had been a fool to ask Rachel to the barn dance, but it was too late to take back the invitation. When he realized he’d fallen for Abby, he of course convinced himself that she would not be interested in him, and then acting on impulse, he asked Rachel to accompany him. She was always after him and would be a boost to his self-shattered ego. Yet Abby’s obvious disappointment when she found out that Will would be taking Rachel made him re-think the possibility of courting her. Yet she had done nothing to indicate her interest in him. Maybe he’d only imagined her disappointment yesterday. Either way, the whole event had ruined his sermon—all in all, he was in a sour mood. Rachel’s batting eyelashes and Abby’s ignoring him was doing nothing to help it. Abby was still polite to him, but there had been no announcement of the Thanksgiving play as Abby explained that there were several tests the children had to complete, and so the announcement was to be postponed. But Will wondered if she simply did not want him around. Whatever she was feeling, he needed to talk to her.
/
Abby thought her fingers would spring out claws when Rachel practically draped herself on Will. Had the girl no shame? Relentlessly showing off her bosom and trailing her finger along the hem of the neckline? The scene made Abby want to gag. Will seemed to be heading toward her now, but she avoided him. She would not be his little pet, his little amusement. Instead, she threw herself into a frantic conversation with Sheriff Ben and his wife Lucinda.
/
Joseph grinned as Esther approached. He liked how her eyes smiled as much as her mouth.
“Your sister seems bent on avoiding our starry-eyed pastor it seems,” she noted with a laugh.
Joseph shrugged. “Yep. She said something about him being confusing, or was it her being confusing. Frankly, Miss Esther, I have no idea what she was talking about.”
Esther laughed, “And that is why women need women.”
“I am in full agreement there,” he chuckled. “So Michael was telling me your aunt and uncle are leaving for an anniversary trip, correct?”
“Yes, they leave after the Harvest Festival. I’m happy for them. They could use a real holiday.”
Joseph nodded. “Have you traveled outside of Tall Pine?”
Esther shook her head, “No, I am afraid not. I’ve been feeling a little itch for—not necessarily a change, but maybe doing something adventurous. I’ve been thinking of taking Michael somewhere for Christmas, but I don’t know where.”
I don’t know where because I am feeling that something needs to change in my life, but I don’t want change. I don’t trust change. Esther cast her eyes downward. What a confusing mess she was.
Michael tugged on Esther’s arm. “Joseph brought the present,” he told her. He turned to Joseph, “Can I have it now?”
Joseph looked at Esther for permission. There was a difference in her today, not just towards him, but in general. Her eyes seemed brighter, less weighed down, and she moved with a spring added to her usual grace.
Was it because of him?
Or was the change due to someone else?
He didn’t like that thought at all. Joseph grunted, quietly crossing his arms.
“We are staying for dinner after the church picnic to help Abby cook. You can have the present then.”
Michael looked as if Esther was asking him to wait an eternity. He began to protest when Joseph surprised him by swinging him up and behind his back. Michael squealed in delight, giggling loudly. Joseph nodded towards the entrance.
“You want to accompany me and my deputy here for some pie?” he asked.
Esther looked at the two incredulously. “Michael is your deputy now is he?”
Joseph caught a mix of conflicting emotions on Esther’s face between disapproving of his closeness to Michael while also being pleased with it. He decided to ignore the disapproval. “He sure is. Every man needs his own deputy to help him out,” Joseph grinned. He did in fact feel that he needed Michael. At first, he wanted Esther and felt the need to help Michael. Now he loved the kid, and he needed the boy in his life as much as he desired and needed Esther. Joseph offered his arm; Esther seemed not to notice.
She simply turned away and began walking before turning back. “Well then, let’s go get some pie. I would be glad to dish up a piece for you two boys,” she said cheerfully.”
Joseph bounded after her. Had she ignored his arm or had she just not noticed? What was it with this woman and his touch? Would she not like his touch were he to kiss her, caress her, make love to her? The thought worried Joseph. He was willing to work through anything, but how could he if he didn’t even know what the problem was.
/
Abby would not look at Will, and he couldn’t shake off Rachel without being hurtful to her. During the course of the picnic he tried to maneuver over to Abby, but every time he did, Rachel either started a new conversation, or someone stopped him to say they needed help with a fence, branding cows, harvesting, repairing the roof, and so on. When he finally reached the spot Abby had been, he would find that she had evaded him. The picnic ended and Abby, who was always the last one to say goodbye, was the first to leave, practically running to her little home. Will grunted. He’d have to talk to her tomorrow at school where she could not escape.
Twelve
Esther listened patiently to Abby’s woes as she related her story about Will and his asking Rachel to the Harvest Festival. Then Abby railed about how she was nothing more than amusement to him. “Will clearly doesn’t like me, and I am a fool to have even entertained the thought,” Abby huffed.
Esther caught Joseph’s eye and he winked as if the two shared a funny secret. Esther found herself smiling at th
e sight of him playing cards with her son.
“Abby, I personally think that Will does like you very much. It is just that Will is considered quite the catch here in Tall Pine. He is handsome, strong, hardworking, and kind.”
Joseph made a disgusted grunt from the corner. Esther’s lips twitched; his annoyance was tangible. Did she like his jealousy?
No, of course she didn’t. Then why was she fighting a smile?
“Anyway, with him being so sought after,” Esther continued, “he has never had to pursue a woman. They all chase him like flies to honey.”
“He pursued you. He courted you, and quite strongly for a season if what I have heard is true,” Abby pointed out with a pout.
“Well maybe, but—”
Abby shook her head interrupting Esther, “And why not? You have every man after you, and I can’t even get Will to look at me seriously. Maybe I do need to be more quiet and composed. I am awfully talkative—that’s probably irritating. If I’m to get any husband, especially Will,” she looked down at her hands, “I will have to learn to be more mature.”
Esther let a few seconds of silence pass, making sure that Abby had finished. “What I was going to say is that men, in my experience, like women who joyfully live and not simply pine. No matter what Will does, go and dance, eat, meet new people. You can’t force Will to do anything, but you can learn to have a good time independent of men.”
Abby nodded. “You’re right, but what if I go and no one asks me to dance?” She bit her lip. “I may not have any other men interested in me.”
“Oh, you have plenty,” Esther corrected. “You get more smiles and sighs at church than all the single girls put together. You’ve just only had eyes for Will since you arrived here so you haven’t noticed. Your entire focus is on a rather handsome pastor.”
“You find him handsome?” Abby asked.
“Objectively handsome—as would any woman. Am I interested? Absolutely not!” Esther said with a reassuring smile.
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