Esther looked at him sadly. “Joseph I made it clear from the beginning that I cannot offer more than friendship and that I am not interested in—”
“Stop it, Esther,” Joseph growled, taking off his hat and running his hand through his hair. “You can’t lie to me like that. I know you have feelings for me. I see your eyes light up. I see you blush. You fight it—I will give you that—but you’re losing the battle.” He stepped forward, holding her by the arms.
Esther cringed out of habit but not fear.
“When I danced with you tonight,” Joseph said, his voice low, “I could feel your heart beating fast. I could sense the desire in your body. You are a strong woman Esther, but certain things even you can’t hide.” He loosed his grip, trailing his hands down her arms before releasing her. Esther let out the breath she had been holding. No words came to her mind. As always with Joseph, she felt the tornado of emotions swirling about inside her.
Luckily, Joseph did not press her to speak. He put his hat on for the second time and walked away.
He was about three yards off when he turned around. “Oh, and Esther, Sheriff Ben told me that Toby has given some threats and received some as well. Last time he made a threat the man disappeared.”
“They looked into him but he had an alibi—well, Mary was his alibi. I remember that incident,” Esther said grimly.
“Then I don’t need to explain why I will be going with you to see Mary. Toby is dangerous, and Michael needs his mother.”
Esther nodded, wishing she had something to say, not that it would have done any good. Joseph was already gone.
Esther stayed outside for a few more minutes, hoping that the cold air would clear her mind. She had come to peace with her past, accepted her fears and the consequences. She did not want or need a husband and had thought it was God’s will that she be single. Now, however, everything seemed so muddled and confusing. Surely God would not send Joseph to her when she felt damaged beyond repair? Surely He would not think to give Michael a father who could not love him as his own? Why then did the thought of Joseph leaving fill her with both relief and heartache?
“Dear God, I am sure I weary you with my prayers,” Esther sat on the swing tied to a large oak tree. “What do I feel toward Joseph? What is his purpose in my life and Michael’s life? What would you have me do?” Esther waited in silence. No insight came, only the soft hoot of a barn owl. Sighing and reminding herself that answers came in the Lord’s time, Esther walked inside, but not before looking back, hoping to see Joseph behind her—but the road was empty.
Fifteen
Uncle Tim and Aunt Lily set off for New Orleans early Monday morning before Esther took Michael to school. Sunday had been a blur. Joseph had hardly spoken to her. Abby was pre-occupied. And Esther needed to get home as soon as the service was done to help her uncle and aunt pack. She was somewhat relieved when they left. She needed time alone to think and sort herself out.
Too many feelings were swirling inside of her, and if she were self-consumed she could not help others in their struggles. As a mother and midwife, that was what she needed to do—think of others, right? Why was it so hard this morning? Why did she keep doing her hair over and over, change her dress three or four times? Why was she looking at her figure in the mirror?
“Mom what is for breakfast?” Michael shouted from the kitchen.
“Goodness, Esther, take hold of yourself,” she scolded herself before rushing to the kitchen. This was exactly why she could not have a man in her life. Romance made a woman less of a mother. Esther rolled her eyes: That was not true and she knew it. She need not make up truths in order to justify her choices.
“How about some toast and eggs, Michael?”
Michael nodded. “Joseph told me last night that one time he ate crickets. Can you believe it—crickets?” Michael scrunched up his face in disgusted delight. “What do you think they taste like?”
Esther raised an eyebrow at him. “If you are thinking about eating some crickets, may I advise you to dip them in chocolate first.”
Michael laughed. “Mmm, maybe for Christmas.”
“You want chocolate crickets instead of gingerbread cookies and hot chocolate?”
“No!” Michael shook his head, “Let’s do cookies.”
“Excellent choice,” Esther winked, whipping up a plate of eggs and toast.
Michael’s face suddenly grew serious. “Momma, do you think come Christmas Joseph will be with us?”
Esther sucked in a breath. “What do you mean, Michael?”
“I mean would you have married him by then, and will he live here or will we be in Texas? He said he’d buy me a pony in Texas,” Michael told her hopefully.
Esther sighed and sat down at the table. “You never know Michael.” No, it will never happen. “You never know.”
/
Abby had already stopped two arguments of who would be the Indian and who would be the Pilgrim in between measuring the girls’ heads to make some simple headdresses for them. Will had come early with an awkward smile and hello. Luckily they had a project to distract them, so soon they fell into their easy laughter and conversation.
“I don’t think you can slaughter an actual turkey in the school house,” Will told her during lunchtime.
Abby teased, “If you don’t have the stomach for it, then you are welcome to turn your head at the time.”
“What? I’ve slaughtered more turkeys than you’ve eaten,” he defended himself. “I am just saying that there would be a lot of feathers and blood to clean up. Not to mention you may terrify some of the kids.”
“Yes, but think of how dramatic it would be,” she laughed with a playful shove. “Oh, and I stayed up late making invitations to give to the parents when they pick up their children. They are rather charming, if I say so myself.”
Will looked at her, his eyes softening. “I am sure they are more than charming.”
Abby smiled, biting her tongue to keep from talking. She wanted to talk; oh, she wanted to talk so badly. She wanted to ask what he felt about her. Why was he sending mixed messages? Why did he say he loved her and then on Sunday ignore her? Did he really love her? Why had he not kissed her again? Had he not enjoyed it?
Abby said none of these things. She did not want to scare Will away. She needed to talk to Esther; Esther knew everything. She would know why Will was behaving oddly.
“So Pastor Will, I did want to point out that yesterday when you were talking about Ephesians chapter five and the verse twenty-four where it says: “Let the wives be to their own husbands in everything—”
“Yes?” Will asked eagerly. Perhaps Abby would tell him she was ready to be his wife. That would make things so much easier for him.
Abby giggled. “Well, what you said was: “Wives be on their husbands on everything.”
Will turned so red that Abby had to laugh out loud. “Did I really say that? Is that why everyone kept chuckling?”
“Yes,” Abby hiccuped with laughter. “The whole time men kept making eyes at their wives, and then after they were all saying, “Now remember what the pastor said, my love. You got to be on me on everything.” I wouldn’t be surprised if there are a lot of babies nine months from now.”
Will burst into laughter. “It was probably one of my better sermons then?”
“Oh, most definitely,” Abby agreed, wiping her eyes before picking up her bell. “Well on that note, shall we continue our endeavor?” she asked, beginning to ring the bell.
Will smiled. He would continue with her in whatever she wanted.
/
“Mary, you need to move, walk, stand, anything. This baby needs to be born soon. It is not healthy for you or your child to be pregnant this long.”
“But it hurts to move, and besides, I can’t have Toby seeing me like this. He don’t notice as much when I am covered and laying down,” Mary argued stubbornly.
Esther hung her head, thinking of what to say. She had compassion for Mary, w
ell, was trying to have compassion at least, but right now she wanted to strangle the idle woman. “Mary, listen to me. If you don’t move, your labor will be long and strenuous and the baby could die.”
“I don’t care!” Mary shouted, hitting the bed. “I never wanted a baby. I never wanted to ruin my figure. Toby don’t want a baby either.”
Esther bit her lip. She could not take this woman anymore. Picking up her basket, she began to walk out.
“Wait!” Mary called out, “Ain’t you gonna wash me and put that rose water on my skin. I like to smell nice for Toby.”
Esther stopped at the door. Joseph had filled up the buckets without her asking. Washing would do Mary a little good, but Esther was not sure if she wanted good for Mary at this point. The woman was incapable of thinking past Toby and her own comfort. The higher self of Esther told her to not judge and that washing Mary might relax her, get blood moving, and help the baby come. So gritting her teeth, Esther opened the door, carried in a bucket, and began to wash Mary.
/
Joseph had heard Mary and Esther speaking when he had finished placing the buckets outside the door. Esther had grit, compassion, and strength molded into the fine woman that she was. Yes, he had found her ravishing the other night with her curls and red dress, but even now with her simple hair and dress caring for a woman who didn’t deserve it, working with patience and kindness, she was intoxicating. It made him furious. He was beginning to lose patience. Not with her, but with the whole situation. He loved her, showed it, had done all he could, and still she seemed skittish. Yesterday at church he had been normal with Michael. He loved that kid, but had tried to avoid Esther, afraid that he might spontaneously propose or be too blunt in his affections. He had pushed the limit at the dance and now had to wait, and Joseph did not like to wait. He thought of his mother often scolding him to be patient. What would she tell him? What advice would she give? To pray? That was her answer to everything: pray.
Joseph’s thoughts were suspended as Esther walked out carrying the empty buckets. He rushed over to help her.
“Thank you,” she said, her voice strained.
“Everything alright?” Joseph asked, knowing full well it was not.
Esther shook her head, getting into the wagon quickly without his help. She was eager to leave this place. “The baby needs to come out now. It is overdue—much overdue—and I don’t know how well Mary has eaten. She may not be supplying the proper nutrition for that baby.”
Joseph gave a small snap to the reigns and Lancelot began his slow trot. “Is there anything I can do to help?” Joseph asked. Like marry you? Give you a new life and a husband who adores you?
Esther smiled and shook her head. “No, you already do plenty.”
Joseph didn’t reply, instead he reached over and took Esther’s hand, wrapping his fingers around her palm. At first Esther’s hand stiffened and then slowly, she, too, clasped his hand, but only for a few moments before she gently pulled it away.
/
Michael was bouncing like a Mexican jumping bean. “A picnic! A picnic! We’re going on a picnic!” he sang in a funny tune.
Esther laughed and looked out the window as she packed a basket full of rolls, jam, cold beef, chicken salad, apples, and pie. It had rained straight for the past few days. Today, although cloudy with a slight breeze, the sky looked like it would be giving Tall Pine a break. Joseph had offered to come by and fetch them, but he was closer to the stream that Michael wanted to fish, so Esther had insisted that they go to him. Esther had offered that Abby could come, but she was going to town to meet up with Eliza and Will.
“Michael, make sure you wear a warm coat and your boots,” Esther reminded him. She had already packed an extra coat, and shoes, and trousers because no doubt Michael would find a way of getting wet and dirty.
“Do you think Joseph is excited about our picnic?” Michael asked.
“How could he not be?” Esther grinned at him. “He gets to spend time with the most amazing boy ever.”
“Should I wear my hat?”
Esther chuckled. Michael would wear the hat anyway, but it warmed her heart that he wanted her approval. “Oh, I would definitely wear the hat. You look so handsome in it.”
Pleased, Michael bounded off leaving Esther to finish the basket. She was in a good mood for really no reason at all. She’d woken up with a sense of peace, a tranquility that everything was going to work out fine. Maybe Joseph would be done with his infatuation or whatever it was and would leave without a broken heart. Maybe Esther would finally have insight to her own feelings and be able to communicate them. Whatever happened, she was determined to have a good day with her son and Joseph.
/
Michael knocked loudly on the door, clicking his little cowboy boots with excitement.
The door opened after four knocks. “Well, who is this handsome guy, huh?” Joseph grinned. Michael hugged Joseph’s strong legs, making Joseph grin wider. “You ready for some fishing today?”
“Yes I am, and we brought food—lots of food!”
Joseph looked up at Esther with a wink. “Lots of food? Well, then it will definitely be a good time.” He put on his hat, shut the door, and walked over to the wagon. “The stream isn’t far, walking distance, but let’s go ahead and take the wagon since we have stuff to carry. I imagine Lancelot will enjoy some time in the woods.”
Esther nodded and scooted over to make room for her son and Joseph’s large frame. Joseph took the basket and peaked inside.
He whistled. “Mmm, let me tell you how excited I was for this. Abby’s cooking is getting better, but it isn’t yet up to Miss Esther’s cooking.”
“Oh, she’ll get there. You should have seen my cooking when I started living on my own. Granted, it was only me I cooked for—Michael was still nursing—but still it was pretty bad.”
Joseph told himself to laugh and he did, but his thoughts were focused on what Esther had said about it being just her and Michael. There had been no man around? No husband, possibly? Had Esther become pregnant out of wedlock? For some reason he had assumed she’d been married, and her husband had died. He frowned. Not that he judged her, but for Esther to become involved with a man out of wedlock meant that she must have wanted him so badly that she suspended all her values. The thought disturbed him. He was quiet the rest of the way.
“You two go find a good fishing spot while I set up the picnic, all right?” Esther told Michael and Joseph. They agreed and began hiking up the stream to look for an even better spot than the one they had last time.
“We won’t be gone long. Just scouting,” Joseph called back.
“Yeah, just scouting,” Michael mimicked, taking Joseph’s hand.
The two of them hiked for about five minutes when Joseph couldn’t hold his promise any longer. “Michael, do you remember your father?”
Michael shook his head. “No. Mom says he is no father. He just got her pregnant with me. You see, he did something bad to her and God sent me to make it better.” Michael smiled like a child remembering a good part of a book.
“What did he do bad to her?” Joseph asked, wondering how much Michael knew.
“Well, when my mom’s dad came to visit me, he said I did not have a good father, and that my father was a bad man, but mom had to tell him that the bad man was not really a father,” Michael grinned again.
Joseph smiled patiently thinking it odd that Michael did not use the term “grandpa.” “Did your mom’s father say what this bad man did to your mom?”
Michael nodded. “He said that he…he,” Michael furrowed his eyebrows, trying to remember the word, “he racked her… no rapped her, no…”
Joseph grew still, and his heart skipped a beat. He knew what word Michael was trying to say. “Raped?”
“Yeah, that’s it. I asked mom what that was and she said it meant he hurt her very bad and then she got pregnant, but like I said, I was sent to make things better.”
Joseph nodded. He wanted to
hurt, no kill, the man who had dared to do such a thing to Esther. Every instinct he had screamed at him to take action. Who was this man? Was he dead? Alive? What had happened? No wonder Esther flinched at his touch, or was hesitant with him, and avoided all men. In his line of work, Joseph had met more than his share of rape victims. Some became very loose in their ways, feeling so worthless that they let themselves be handed out. Others became conservative and cloistered. But none that he had met had a child.
Joseph then realized that Esther’s father had told this to Michael, sweet, innocent Michael. What was he thinking? More fury filled Joseph.
“Joseph?” Michael asked, tugging on his hand.
Joseph shook his head. “Sorry Michael, I got distracted.” He looked around, “Well, this spot looks good. We’ll check it out after our picnic. Why don’t we go back and eat?”
Michael nodded and the two started back with Joseph taking deep breaths to calm himself.
Joseph tried to act normal, but it was hard. Every time he looked at Esther, saw her grace, her gentle smile, he wanted to kill the monster who had done such a thing to her. His usually large appetite was hindered by his rage. Esther must have noticed he was out of sorts because after a while she suggested that Michael go look for frogs in the stream.
“Don’t run off though, sweetheart. Stay where I can keep an eye on you, alright?”
“Alright,” Michael chirped, happy that he had permission to look for frogs.
Esther watched him walk off for a moment. “He used to stuff frogs in his pocket as presents for me,” she laughed with soft eyes.
Joseph smiled grimly. Esther had raised him alone with no man in their lives besides an uncle who was very busy with his own life.
“Joseph, what is wrong?” She glanced at Michael, her voice tense. “Did my son say something to you?”
Joseph glanced at her and saw the worry in her eyes. “He told me that you were raped and that your father told him,” Joseph said bluntly.
Esther’s face paled and her shoulders sagged. She looked away and seemed to be holding her breath. “I knew he would tell you eventually. Bribing him with books and treats was probably getting old.” She tried to smile but failed.
Beneath the Heavens Page 27