Shawna always thought that her nudging and pushing made Rev’s life better, that her friend was happier for it. What if that wasn’t the case? What if she was wrong this whole time? Cass was immediately enthusiastic about the endeavor, but Rev always hung back about everything. Even the nickname “Rev” took a long time and a lot of insisting from Shawna for her to accept.
“I still don’t believe it,” Shawna says, not even convincing herself.
“She’s dead weight,” Cass says. “If we ever want this band to go anywhere, we gotta ditch her.”
Shawna doesn’t answer for a moment.
“Fine, then.”
Shawna freezes. That voice wasn’t hers or Cass’s. She turns back to see Rev glaring at them.
“Rev, I—” Shawna tries to say.
“Pull the van over,” Rev interrupts her.
“Rev, don’t be so—” Cass tries to say.
“I said, pull the van over!” Rev shouts over her.
Cass finally does just before they enter a small town. Rev practically kicks the door open and slams it shut behind her. She starts marching away, taking nothing with her.
Shawna scrambles out of the van after her. “Rev! No, don’t go!”
“Why?” Rev snaps, turning to face her. “Why shouldn’t I go? I’m just dead weight, right? And you”—she points at Cass—“never liked me! So why should I stick around?”
“You’re being ridiculous,” Cass says, rolling her eyes.
“You can go screw yourself, Cass! You both can! I’m leaving.” She turns around again and continues to walk.
“Rev, please, it’s not like that!” Shawna runs up and grabs Rev’s arm.
“Stop trying to convince me of things!” Rev says, jerking her arm away, “You’re not always right! Sometimes, you’re just delusional!” She keeps walking.
Shawna isn’t sure what to do or say. It feels like the world as she knows is has been torn apart. She’s doubting her instinct, which is to run after Rev and convince her to stay. She hesitates and questions herself long enough to lose sight of the girl she thought was her best friend.
“Good riddance, then!” Cass shouts after her.
Shawna clenches her fists and turns on Cass. After all this time, the tears have finally taken over. “What is wrong with you?” she says.
“What’s wrong with me?” Cass spits back.
“You couldn’t have at least waited until she was somewhere she couldn’t hear you? Or until after the show? Or not said it at all because it was awful and mean?”
“It was the truth!” Cass is shouting now. “She hates this band! She hates me! She hates you! She doesn’t want us to be able to do anything because she’s stupid and pathetic and worthless, and she wants everyone else to feel like she does!” Cass is crying now, too. Shawna has never seen her cry before. She feels like she should care and try to comfort her, but she’s too upset. Things have gone too far for her to stop now.
“Well, why don’t you go do something on your own, then!” Shawna shouts. “Go ahead and drive away and be your own band! I’m going to go find my friend.” She turns and runs after Rev.
SHAWNA RUNS INTO EVERY STORE AND STOPS EVERY pedestrian she finds, asking about Rev. The small town gives her more places to hide than if she had just been walking down the highway. What if something happens to her? What if someone kidnaps her or hurts her, or something worse? It would be all Shawna’s fault for even thinking that way about her friend, for letting Cas say things like that, for pushing Rev past what she was comfortable with. Rev has been like the sister she never had. Sisters don’t do this to one another, do they?
Finally, Shawna finds her in the corner booth of a ma-and-pa diner, head buried in her arms on the table. She lets out a breath, glad that Rev is at least safe, and works on building up the courage to walk up to her.
“Rev?” Shawna says once she enters the diner.
No answer.
“Rev, I’m so sorry. I didn’t . . . I didn’t want any of this to happen.”
Rev lets out an audible sob, and Shawna notices that her shoulders are shaking.
“Rev?” One of her hands hovers over Rev’s back, hesitating to touch her.
“I’m sorry I said all that stuff to you,” Rev says, the words muffled by her arms and her tears. “Do you hate me?”
“No!” Shawna wraps her arms around her best friend who, despite everything, seems to still be her best friend. “I could never hate you. Never, never, never!”
Rev turns into the hug, wrapping her arms around Shawna, as well. She buries her face in her shoulder, breath hitching on sobs. Shawna buries her face in Rev’s shoulder, in turn. She can feel the tears in her eyes, but doesn’t let herself cry this time.
“Do you think Cass hates me?” Rev asks after a few minutes.
“Cass . . . I think Cass had her own issues to sort out,” Shawna says.
“She was right, though,” Rev mutters.
Shawna pulls away, concern and unease hitting her again. “What?”
“This always happens,” Rev says, not looking up at Shawna. “Every time something fun comes up or something that I want to do happens, I always just . . . I don’t know.”
“I don’t understand,” Shawna says, shaking her head. Is she saying that she still wants to do this or that she’s sabotaging them? Or both?
“I don’t either!” Rev says, looking up. “I’m just . . . I’m so scared. All the time. Sometimes, I don’t even know what it is I’m scared of, I just know that I’m scared. Making plans with friends is unsettling enough, but big things like this? Joining a band, running away to go to a gig? It’s terrifying. It’s like . . . a part of my mind knows that I really want to go and do these things, but a bigger part is just crushing that down and telling me I should stay at home, where nothing bad can happen.”
“But nothing good can happen, then, either.”
“I know! But it’s like it doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad. So long as I stay at home, I can just . . . not have to worry about it. I make a lot of excuses. And convince myself that they’re rational excuses. Like, ‘I can’t play an instrument, so I can’t join the band’ or ‘I forgot my guitar at home.’ It’s like I’m just sabotaging myself, and it’s just . . . it’s awful ’cause I always, always regret it, no matter how many times I tell myself I don’t.”
Shawna pulls her into another hug.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks.
“Because it’s stupid,” Rev mutters into Shawna’s shoulder. “It’s stupid and pathetic.”
“No, no it’s not that.” Shawna squeezes her a little tighter. “It sounds a lot like anxiety and stuff, you know?”
Rev nods. “I . . . I usually take, like, medicine for it . . . ” she admits.
“Did you bring any with you?”
Rev’s breath hitches on another sob.
Shawna takes that as a “no.” “That, um, that’s probably not good,” she says.
Rev mutters something ending in “stupid.”
“You’re not stupid, Rev. You’re my best friend, and I don’t make friends with stupid people.”
Rev lets out something between a chuckle and a sob.
“Seriously, girl, I love you. You’re dealing with some tough stuff, but it’s okay. And, I mean, you got this far! Like, you started the band with me! We did that charity gig! That was fun! And we drove all the way out here, and you came with us! You didn’t just stay at home.”
Rev sniffles. “Yeah. I guess,” she says.
“Yeah! You’re awesome! And you did all that even with that whole big part of your brain telling you not to. You kicked its butt!”
“This time . . . ” Rev mumbles.
Shawna pauses. “Yeah, we should really get those meds back. But still! Let’s take the win.”
“But I still didn’t bring my guitar. And I got us lost. And lost us time . . . ”
“Yeah, but Cass is driving now, and she drives like a maniac on a good day
.”
Rev chuckles, then frowns. “I can’t face her,” she says.
“You totally can. I’ll help. If this . . . if the Beauty School Dropouts are going to end up going down, I—we—can’t let it end like this. Besides, we left all our stuff in the van.”
Rev chuckles again. She squeezes Shawna a little tighter and Shawna squeezes back.
“I love you so much,” Rev says.
“I love you, too,” Shawna says.
Cass is sitting alone in the van, wiping away angry tears. She has the steering wheel in one hand, her grip vice-like. Her other hand is on the gas. All she needs to do is hit it and keep moving, go and do her own thing, like Shawna said.
She doesn’t need those girls. She doesn’t. She can do things on her own. She doesn’t need to be wheeled around like some invalid. She doesn’t need anyone.
Rev never liked her, anyway. She was always arguing and making a fuss about things. Cass was right to say that she was dragging them down.
She doesn’t need Rev.
And Shawna probably only wanted her in the band out of pity. Cass is the only one in their high school with such a visible disability, after all. She wouldn’t have asked her, otherwise. There’s no other possible reason. Cass hates being pitied.
She doesn’t need Shawna, either.
She can make it fine without those two. Even though Rev is the only person willing to fight with her like an equal. Even though she knows Shawna heard her playing in the band room, first. Even though both girls back off when Cass tells them to and help when Cass needs them to. Even though Shawna has hip-checked people who’ve grabbed the back of her wheelchair more than once. Even though she loves arguing with Rev and loves every piece of music Rev writes and loves that she makes sure they each get a spotlight in every song. Even though she loves Shawna’s attitude and ambition and excitement. Even though they’re the only friends she’s ever had.
She doesn’t need them.
She screams and slams her fists on the steering wheel, making the car’s horn scream along with her.
She doesn’t need them.
She doesn’t.
SHE DOESN’T!
She starts to cry again because the van they all learned to drive together feels empty. She wants to throw something or punch something, but she just keeps crying. She got along fine without friends before she met Rev and Shawna, so why does it feel so important that they’re around now? Why can’t she just hit the gas and drive off? They’re both idiots! Idiots!
Cass is an idiot.
She hits the gas and starts driving in the direction she saw Rev and Shawna go, glaring out the windshield.
She hates them.
She loves them.
She hates that she loves them.
She slows down and searches the town for signs of her two stupid best friends.
Rev and Shawna jump when they hear a car horn blare as they walk out of the little diner. They’re so startled, they nearly drop the greasiest sandwiches they have ever seen in their lives (apparently, Ma and Pa don’t take kindly to loiterers and insisted that the girls buy something). They look up and see Cass parked on the side of the road, glaring at them out the driver’s side window.
“You two gonna climb in or what? We’ve only got eight hours to get there and two whole states to cross,” Cass says, looking away from the girls.
Rev and Shawna look at one another, then head over to the van. Rev climbs into the passenger’s seat and hands Cass a sandwich, looking down at her own. Shawna leans over from the back seat, looking between the two in concern.
Cass looks down at the sandwich, then picks it up and starts picking at the tape holding the wrapping on. “I’m sorry,” she says, focusing fully on the sandwich. “I . . . shouldn’t have said all that stuff about you. You’re an important part of the band. You do a lot.”
“I’m sorry I ran off,” Rev says, also focusing on her sandwich, tossing it between her hands, “and that I caused so many delays.”
“Yeah, well, stupid stuff happens.” Cass lowers her voice and stops picking at the tape, but doesn’t look up. “And I’d rather deal with your stupid stuff than anyone else’s, I guess.”
Rev looks up from her sandwich, a small smile on her face.
Shawna reaches over the back of the seats and pulls them both into a hug. “I love you guys! I really, really do!” she says.
“We love you too, Shawna,” Rev says with a little chuckle.
“Get off!” Cass says.
“Not until you say you love me!” Shawna says, a hint of a smirk hiding in her expression.
“I’ll die first!” Cass says.
“Oh, just say you love her, you stubborn jerk,” Rev says, the smile not fading from her face.
“Oh, fine. I love you. Happy?” Cass says.
“Yes!” Shawna gives her a big, loud kiss on the cheek.
“Disgusting!” Cass says, pulling away, but a smile is starting to creep across her face.
Shawna and Rev both laugh.
Cass finally rips open the sandwich paper, forgetting the tape. She tears a bite out of it and things feel like they’re back to the way they’re supposed to be.
SHAWNA TAPS HER FOOT ANXIOUSLY, FEELING LIKE there isn’t time to be filling up the gas tank. Cass taps the steering wheel in tandem, eager to get going. Rev went inside to get snacks for everyone.
“Is that thing working yet?” Cass asks.
“I’ve pressed the button twenty times, and it still hasn’t started!” Shawna says.
Cass groans and bangs her head against the steering wheel. “The universe is plotting against us.”
“It’s going to work,” Shawna says, pressing the button again. It beeps and refuses to pump gas.
“Hey guys,” Rev says, walking back, carrying two bags. “We all filled up?”
Both Cass and Shawna groan.
“What’s wrong?” Rev asks.
“It won’t. Fill. Up,” Cass says, punctuating each pause with a bang of her head on the steering wheel. Shawna hits the button again and, again, it does nothing.
Cass slams on the horn, making Shawna and Rev jump. “Hey! Give someone else a chance, will ya!” she shouts at the person filling up in front of them. There are only two pumps at this station, and the guy in front of them has spent the entire time on his phone and not filling up his tank. He throws a rude hand gesture their way without taking his focus off of his phone.
“I’m going to murder him,” Cass says, gripping the steering wheel.
“I’m gonna go talk to whoever is in that store,” Shawna says. She walks in, leaving Rev to climb into the van and Cass to glare at her newfound enemy.
“Excuse me?” Shawna asks the cashier.
“What can I do you for?” she asks. She’s an older woman. Her name tag says “Irma” and her smile is kind, if missing a few teeth.
“I was just wondering if you know what’s up with the second pump out there? It’s not really working for us.”
Irma looks out the window at the pump Shawna indicated and her smile turns apologetic. “Honey, those pumps ain’t worked in ten years,” she says.
“Come again?”
“They’re dead. Been dead a long time. I’m really sorry.”
Shawna is taken aback by this new information. She just can’t accept it. It’s not possible that they’ve gotten this far, through all the delays and emotional turmoil, only to be stopped by a lack of gas.
“Where’s the . . . where’s the next pump?” Shawna asks, sounding almost in a daze.
“Bout . . . twenty miles from here?” Irma says.
“T-twe—” She can’t bring herself to say the rest of the number. There is no way the van is going to make it that far. “Any other place we can get gas? Anywhere at all?”
“Not that I know of.”
“But there has to be!”
“I’m sorry. There’s just not.” Irma looks out the window again. “Maybe you can ask Cal for help.” She indicate
s the man at the other gas pump.
Shawna’s shoulders slump. This man might be the last person they can get gas from in the next twenty miles, and Cass has already made an enemy of him. Just their luck.
She starts walking out, dejected. “Thanks,” she murmurs as she pushes the door open.
“Sorry I couldn’t be more help,” Irma says.
Shawna tries to think of the positives of this interaction. The cashier was nice and seemed willing to help them out. She knows the man by name, which means he’s a regular. If she and her friends can’t convince him to help them out, maybe she can recruit the cashier to.
“Well?” Rev asks, looking at her nervously.
“The pumps don’t work,” Shawna says.
Cass lets out a string of expletives, punching the steering wheel a few times.
“Calm down! What did that steering wheel ever do to you?” Rev says, sounding just as tense if not as furious.
“Don’t test me right now!” Cass shouts.
“However,” Shawna says, trying to break into the tension, “Cal, over there, might be able to help us. Maybe.” She nods at the man, whose attention has not moved from his phone once.
Cass pauses banging her head against the wheel to stare up at the man, her jaw hanging open. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” she says.
“We don’t have a lot of options, Cass,” Shawna says.
“You’ve got to be kidding me!”
“I don’t think he’s gonna accept an apology, I really don’t,” Rev says, shaking a little. “He seemed pretty upset about the horn thing and the shouting, and he’s a strange guy at some random gas station and—”
Shawna reaches through the window and takes Rev’s hand.
“We’ve got to try, Rev, we’ve got to. Me and Cass, we’re both here for you, but it’s time to Rev it up again,” she says.
Rocky Road Page 7