by TJWEST
When he kissed me I felt the past sneak up on me. I felt his passion. I felt his heat. Oh God, his body! His spectacular body. Seeing him wear those faded blue jeans, that tight t-shirt- the way it revealed his biceps - Holy shit, he was HOT!
My body was reacting, not my heart. My heart was broken. I can't trust him. How can I after he left me and never responded to any of my letters or any hope of him returning? For so long I thought he died or something. His parents didn't like me so of course they wouldn't tell me if he came back, or if he was killed. I had no idea how to move on. My parents didn't know how to help me either. I became a shell that moved, talked, laughed, and smiled, but didn't feel any of those damn emotions. I was a fake. I might as well had been dead. A ghost. A shell.
I'm not sure how I fell asleep; having the windows open, hearing the waves crashing upon the shore, was a soothing therapy. It brought peace as I closed my eyes.
I awoke to the cool ocean breeze, hitting my face like a sweet kiss. It felt wonderful. The summer had been scorching, so waking up to the dull humidity with fog was a nice change.
Change.
Speaking of change, my life has turned upside down overnight. My head feels as foggy as it does outside. I hate when I feel out of control. I hate when I can't control a situation. My body takes over and I forget to think with my head. I can't. I won't let Matt take that control away from me. I can't let him control my heart. I'm too damaged. I'm no good for him.
Should I still see him today? Should I take back my ‘yes’ and forget about him?
Such bullshit. I would be lying to myself if I said I could forget about him. He's been hiding in my heart this whole time. I need to see him. I need to see him to close that secret space he has invaded since I was sixteen.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
What the hell? I hear my door being pounded on as I was getting out of the shower.
“Marty! It's Amy! Open up!” Bang Bang Bang!!
“HOLD ON!” I shouted.
I put on my bathrobe. My hair is dripping and making a puddle on the floor. If I slip and fall Amy will be sent away in a straight jacket. Running down the stairs I'm yelling, “I'm coming! Stop banging on the door, I'm coming!”
I open the door. Amy comes rushing in - frantic. “Why the hell have you not answered my texts, Marty! I've been trying to get a hold of you for hours!! Don't you know what it means when someone calls or texts, you answer the goddamned phone!”
This lady is a freak! Literally a fucking freak!
“Amy! Calm the hell down already!” I stagger into the kitchen and start a pot of coffee. “Will you please sit your ass down before I force you to myself! Take a fucking breath and sit down!”
That should shut her up.
“I will not take a breath because you scared the living daylights out of me by not answering my calls. I was worried about you!” Okay, I was wrong about the shutting up part. Damn.
She pulls out a bar chair and finally lands her ass down.
I plant my hands on the kitchen island, where she is sitting, “Amy,” I say calmly, “I'm fine. I had my phone turned off and didn't realize that it was still off this morning. I'm sorry if I worried you, but I'm fine.”
Amy takes a quick breath, “Well, you didn't seem fine last night. You ran out of Reds like you were on fire and then Matt was going after you. What the hell, Marty? How on earth do you know that guy? It was like you saw a ghost! I wanted to go after you but Mitch and his friend, Chuck, told me not to. I don't understand, Marty. What is going on? Why did you turn off your phone?”
“Can you please stop asking twenty questions? Please?” I'm gonna lose my cool if she doesn't stop. Control, breathe, control.
“Okay. Fine. You may begin.”
Am I on some kind of 'Real Housewives' episode or something because I'd really like to fire myself from the show. This is crazy!
Rubbing my head, “Amy, Amy, Amy.... First of all, again, I'm sorry I worried you. I turned off my phone because I needed time to myself. I was upset and confused and pretty much feeling
overwhelmed. I was not in a good place last night, okay? Second, yes, I know Matt -”
“How do you know him?!” Interrupting me.
Holding up my hand, “Amy!” I snap.
“Sorry.” She muttered.
Breathe, Marty, just breathe…
“Matt and I go way back. Way, way back...high school, way back.” I grab two mugs and pour us a cup of coffee. I need some Bailey's. Too bad I don't have any.
“Wow, high school? Were you guys a couple?”
“Yes.” I take a sip of my coffee.
“So, like, what happened?”
Not wanting to give her too many details I reply, “He went away to the Air Force. I hadn't seen him since.” Good, I hope that shuts her up. I can't give her anymore BFF moments.
“Sooo, this was a pretty serious relationship huh? Not being in contact all this time and then
winding up in the same city? That's amazing! What happened? Why haven't you kept in touch?”
I'm gonna snap. I can feel it. “Amy! Stop right there. I'm not going to go into detail about my past with you.”
“Why? I thought we were friends?”
“Because it's none of your business, Amy, that's why!” Snap..... I think this time I really shut her up.
The room was beginning to feel very stuffy. Stuffy with bad attitudes. My bad attitude. Ugh, I'm such a bitch! The look on Amy's face said it all. I guess her hopes of me being her BFF have gone down the toilet. “Ugh!” I trudged away out onto the deck. Where is that Bailey's when I need it!
Breathe......Exhale.....Breathe.......
After a couple minutes Amy came outside. She spoke somberly. “I am so sorry you can't confide in me, Marty. I thought we were beginning to be good friends.”
I turn around. “It's not about you, Amy. It's about me and my ugly baggage. It's about me finding out who I am and what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life. I don't enjoy talking about my past. It's not something I'm willing to share with anyone. And now with Matt?” I chuckle,“My God, it makes things even more difficult! I am so sorry for blowing up on you. I know you want to get close, but right now, Amy? I can't....I. Just. Can't. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings. But this is my life. My life, Amy.”
I leave it at that.
She nods her head. “Well. When you're ready to tell me about 'your baggage' you know how to reach me.” She gives me a big hug. Why is she doing this? I don't deserve her friendship. I don't deserve her kindness when I've been such a mean spirited person. “Take care of yourself, sweetie. I'll be back in a couple months or so. Maybe by then things will be different. I'll let you be.”
“You really have been a good friend, Amy. I'm just sorry I can't return that goodness. Right now anyway.”
“Sugar, I'm always a phone call away. My ears are willing to listen, okay? Don't forget that. I'll be goin' now.” She picks up her purse, and slowly walks out my door.
I face the ocean and dwell in my own selfishness.
That's me. Selfish.
CHAPTER 9
MATT
Why did I think she was really gonna show up? Why would she want to see me anyways? The way I ignored her all those years ago? Fuck, I wouldn't want to see me again either. But the way she responded to our kiss makes me think she wants to see me. I'll wait here all day if I have to.
I have the shop closed on Sunday's so having Marty here, when nobody is around, is a good thing. A very good thing. That way we can be alone and hopefully talk about.....stuff.
Chuck and Mitch have known about Marty - they know what she means to me. Chuck woke me up this morning. I didn't get much sleep - scratch that.... I didn't get any sleep last night. He phoned to ask if everything was okay. I told him I had no clue. He then grumbled to make things right with Marty. He said she 'may be the one.' Hell, I already knew that, but the old man had to have his say in the matter. Always butting in my love life.
&
nbsp; Mitch texted me late last night saying he couldn't believe he didn't put two and two together. He couldn't believe that she was 'The Marty' that I told him about. He said he hoped we could work things out. He may be a smart-ass, but he was my best bud. My best brother. I was sitting in the corner of the front store, strumming my guitar, right leg up on a table, eyes closed trying to stay cool. Trying not to get anxious.
A tap on the glass door got my attention.
Christ, she's here. She's at the door. My heart starts racing the moment I see her. That slight grin on her face and that shy wave she gives me.
Holy shit! I'm dead.
*****
MARTY
Oh, my God, look at him. He looks so hot playing his guitar. All the same feelings from when we were young are coming back. I used to love watching him play. He was so into his music. So focused; the way he has his eyes closed. The intense look on his face. His fingers - rough, and calloused. Holy crap help me!
Breath, exhale, breathe. Remember everything you promised yourself not to feel. Think with your head not with your heart. Don't let him in!
I tap on the door. He jolts from his seat and rushes over to me. The clink of unlocking the door was terrifying. Once that door is unlocked, then what? What kind of unlocking is going to happen? Can I keep my heart locked? I'm so scared.
He smiles. Oh God his smile! “Hey, I'm so glad you came. Please, come in.” He takes me by my elbow and leads me into his shop.
His shop. Wow! It's amazing!
I'm in awe! “This is truly amazing, Matt. Truly amazing.” My eyes wander around the store.
“Yeah. Thanks. I'm pretty proud of it” His hand slides around my waist. It brings me chills.
He shows me the back of the shop where he and Mitch do their crafting. It smells like wood.
Smells like Matt - rough, sweet and woodsy.
Shit! Get a grip!
I lightly rub my fingers on one of the unfinished guitars. “You have such talent.” I look him in the eyes.
He's got his arms crossed over his chest. He just smiles with pride and nods his head. He says to me, “Thank you. I really appreciate it. You have no idea how long I've waited for you to see this - to see what I love doing.”
For that I just want to kiss him.
Of course I can't do that though, right?
Right?!
“Ummm” I clear my throat. Enough staring into his eyes already! Don't melt again!
“Marty”-
I cut him off, “Can we, um, go sit down somewhere?”
We go into his office; It's small. No windows. A couch against one wall, a desk on the other. More guitars are displayed above the love seat. Very cozy. We sit down on the couch. Oh boy. He's awful close to me. I'm feeling some body heat at the moment.
Stop! Focus!
I really have no idea what to say. He just looks at me - he's so intense. He takes a strand of my hair and places it behind my ear. I can't do anything except close my eyes and sigh. His touch does wonders to me. I'm so out of control when it comes to his touch. I'm out of control - period.
“Marty.” He whispers.
I look at him. I clear my throat, again. He just makes me so nervous!
“Matt, we need to talk. When you touch me, I can't think. I can't form my words. Please stop
touching me.”
“Yeah. Sorry. I just can't help myself. I'm so afraid this is a dream and I'm gonna wake up and you won't be here. I love knowing you are really here. It's so fucking unbelievable.”
“I know. I know.. but......”
“Okay. You're right. We need to talk” He stops touching me even though my body is screaming for more.
*****
MATT
I can't stand being this close to her and not being able to touch her; the way her hair looks, braided and draping over her left shoulder. The fine strands of hair around her face. I want to keep touching them. I want to feel the softness in my hands.
That little white summer dress she is wearing, revealing her legs. Holy shit, I wanted to rub my hands up and down her legs and in between the fabric of her panties. If I had my choice I'd also rip that dress in two with my bare hands.
Fuck, what the hell is wrong me? I need to get my head out of the gutter. Stay cool, man, stay cool.
“Matt!” She snaps at me, interrupting my erotic thoughts.
“Yeah,” I clear my throat, put my left arm behind her on the back of the couch and bring my left leg - foot on top of my right thigh. “Sorry, I'm just a little nervous.”
She crosses her legs. Damn, those legs.
“I know, me too.”
We hit a pause, not knowing where to start.
“Matt, I-”
“Marty, I'm so-” We both say at the same time. This is so fuckin' awkward. We both chuckle.
“Please, ladies first.”
*****
MARTY
Here goes nothing.
“Okay, um, I guess I'll just come right out and say it then.” Taking a deep breath I state, “I am deeply hurt and way beyond pissed off that you left me hanging without any letters - any reach of hope that you were okay - do you realize what you put me through? Do you understand the meaning when I say that I hated you?.... For years!....You destroyed me, Matt! You destroyed my heart! I had no way of knowing if you were alive or dead! Your parents wouldn't help me! They gave me no information on your whereabouts. If I had just one letter from you, just ONE, goddamned it, I might have felt some hope! But no! You. Left. Me.”
Whew! By then I was out of breath. Sweat formed on my back. I didn't shed one tear.
Matt looked completely at loss of words. He brought his hands together, put his elbows on his knees and placed his forehead on his knuckles. “I fucked up, Marty. What I put you through is something I’ll never forgive myself for…...” He responded. His voice was full of deep regret. I could hear it. I could feel it. I could see it. He looked up at me; his eyes were deep with remorse. It was almost as if he was going to cry, but I wasn't sure. “....but I knew, once I got into the service, my father would cut all ties that had anything to do with you and me. He had control over everything. He knew what was coming in and what was going out. He wanted us to be over, so I had to make myself think it was okay not writing back. I had to try to erase any feelings that I felt for you. I know it's a lame ass excuse, and I'm not giving you any excuses, but it's the truth. You have no idea how controlling my father was. He knew people, Marty. He knew things. Things, I still don't understand today. I wanted you to forget me because I knew he wasn't going to allow us to be together - inside and out of the service.”
Oh, my God, I believed him. I wanted to cry. I felt those tears forming again but I sucked them back in.
“I still can't trust you.” That sucked a breath out of him. It sucked a breath out of me as well.
“And I don't blame you for that, but I'm asking you to give me another chance - damn, Marty, we were so young back then. Time and years have been wasted because of my dad. Don't let his faults and mine keep us from trying again. There has to be some reason we were brought back together. Some reason beyond anyone's beliefs. I don't care how, or why, but I'm just so fucking grateful that we have another chance.”
I got up from the couch, turned my back on him and put my hands on his desk. I felt stiff. I felt drained. I should just walk right out of the store and never come back. I thought I had all the information I needed to close that part of my past, but our connection was so strong, I couldn't leave.
“Why did your father hate me so much?” I asked.
I could feel his body heat pressed against my back. His hands on my waist. Oh, God how I loved those hands. He began trailing his hands on the back of my neck - so light it was almost ticklish. “He didn’t hate you, but I want to believe it was because of my music. You encouraged me. You inspired me. He hated that.” His breath against my ear. Oh. My. Lord. “I was the only son who didn't want to be his spawn - his legacy.” His gr
ip was still there. I couldn't move. And he kept talking. The huskiness was coming back. Oh shit, I was in trouble!“I am so sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry my father was such a jackass. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to fight him - to fight for us.” And that's when I felt his lips land on the back of my neck.
Melting.
“Marty.” His huskiness, whisper. “Please. Give us another chance. Please.” Another kiss. This time with a little tongue.
Fucking, melting.
Then I asked breathlessly, “Why did you not ever marry?” I had to keep the conversation rolling in order to keep myself from turning around and jumping his bones. That just can't happen.
More huskiness. More little kisses. More little kisses with tongue. I think he covered my entire neck. “Why do you think, baby? You have been the only woman I've ever loved. Will love.”
Wrong question to ask.
He's got me pressed against his desk. His mouth still connected to my neck. His hands moving their way around my neck. My hair. My waist. My back. He's got some great techniques going on. My breathing is rapid.
“Turn around, baby. I need to see your eyes. I need to see that you're feeling exactly how I'm feeling.”
That huskiness is like a drug. Damn. He's good. Real Good. And I believe every word that is coming out of his husky mouth. As much as I told myself I wouldn't show him my heart, I turn around. He sees my eyes. My eyes are the true source to my heart; I feel vulnerable. How can someone do that? How can I feel this way towards anyone? But he's just not anyone - he's Matt. He's the boy who I once loved. He was once my best friend. He was once my entire heart.
*****
MATT
Her skin felt so good along my tongue. I could taste her perfume - so sweet. I could feel her
breathing. It's fast. It's sexy. My God I've never wanted anyone so badly. She turns around for me. Her eyes are glassy. She's scared. Hell, I'm scared.I can't stop this feeling so I grab her waist, pull her even closer to my body, put my other hand behind her head and kiss her. I kiss her deeply. Tongues collide together. Moving together - I sweetly suck it. She moans and that drives me hard. She brings her hands into my hair - Holy shit it feels so good. She tugs at it. It makes me groan. She reacts to my groaning and kisses me harder. I walk us backwards, lips and tongues still working, towards the couch. I turn us around and lay her body down while mine goes on top of hers. My mouth goes to her throat. My hands work their way inside her dress. I feel her ass. Her panties - soft and silky.