ON A SCALE FROM
IDIOT TO
COMPLETE JERK
A Highly Scientific Study
of Annoying Behavior
Science Project by J.J. Murphy*
*with
Alison Hughes
Copyright © 2014 Alison Hughes
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted
in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying,
recording or by any information storage and retrieval system now known
or to be invented, without permission in writing from the publisher.
Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Hughes, Alison, 1966-, author
On a scale from idiot to complete jerk / Alison Hughes.
Issued in print and electronic formats.
ISBN 978-1-4598-0484-5 (pbk.).--ISBN 978-1-4598-0485-2 (pdf).-
ISBN 978-1-4598-0486-9 (epub)
I. Title.
PS8615.U3165O5 2014 jC813’.6 C2013-906648-9
C2013-906649-7
First published in the United States, 2014
Library of Congress Control Number: 2013954114
Summary: J.J.’s science report has everything: graphs, charts, case studies,
a quiz and the best subject matter of all time—jerks (and a few idiots).
Orca Book Publishers gratefully acknowledges the support for its publishing
programs provided by the following agencies: the Government of Canada through
the Canada Book Fund and the Canada Council for the Arts, and the Province of British
Columbia through the BC Arts Council and the Book Publishing Tax Credit.
Design and illustrations by Jenn Playford
Cover image by Dreamstime; Cover illustrations by Jenn Playford
Author photo by Barbara Heintzman
ORCA BOOK PUBLISHERS ORCA BOOK PUBLISHERS
PO BOX 5626, Stn. B PO BOX 468
Victoria, BC Canada CUSTER, WA USA
V8R 6S4 98240-0468
www.orcabook.com
17 16 15 14 • 4 3 2 1
To M, for everything.
And to Gig, for somehow making us love him
despite being a bit of a jerk.
On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk
A Highly Scientific Study of Annoying Behavior
Science Project by J.J. Murphy
CONTENTS
Chapter 1: The Dawn of the Jerk
Chapter 2: A Long History of Jerks
Chapter 3: Organization, the Sciencey Way, Lame Definitions and the First Two of Many Scientific Illustrations
A) Organization
B) The Sciencey Way
C) Lame Definitions
1) Scientific Illustration #1: The Phases of a Jerk’s Behavior
D) A Jerk by Any Other Name: A Note on Language
E) A Truly Scientific Analysis
1) Scientific Illustration #2: On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk
Chapter 4: Can Young Children Be Jerks?
A) Case Study #1: The Cranky Toddlers and the Big Plastic Car
B) Case Study #2: Mayhem in the Mudroom
1) Scientific Illustration #3: The Path to Complete Jerkdom
Chapter 5: Can Really, Really Old People Be Jerks?
A) Case Study #3: The Nursing Home Manly Man
Chapter 6: Jerks in the Family
A) Case Study #4: Rebecca’s Confusing and Alarming Family
1) Scientific Illustration #4: Rebecca’s Family Tree
Chapter 7: Jerks in Sports
A) Players
B) Coaches
C) Fans
1) Case Study #5: The Fan Who Cost Us the Game
D) Referees
Chapter 8: Jerks in a Crisis
A) Case Study #6: The Fire-Drill Drama
B) Case Study #7: Sanjiv’s Hideous Injury
Chapter 9: Jerks at School
A) Students
1) Case Study #8: The Arc of Jerkish Behavior
(a) Scientific Illustration #5: Bell Graph of a Jerk
2) Case Study #9: Graphing Solo Jerks and Groups of Jerks
(a) Scientific Illustration #6: Graphing How Jerks Respond to Jerkish Events
(b) Scientific Illustration #7: Quadrants of Jerkish Behavior
B) Teachers and Principals
1) Teachers
(a) Scientific Illustration #8: Rating Annoying Teacher Behavior
2) Principals
Chapter 10: Miscellaneous Jerks
A) Nurses
B) Doctors and Dentists
C) Bus Drivers
D) Store Clerks
E) Neighbors
F) Servers
G) Internet Trolls
Chapter 11: Once a Jerk, Always a Jerk?
A) Case Study #10: Interview with a Former Jerk (My Uncle Dave)
Chapter 12: Can Animals Be Jerks?
A) Pets
1) Case Study #11: The Flyer-Route Monster
2) Case Study #12: The Four-Pound Ankle-Biter
3) Case Study #13: The Night Screamer
B) Wild Animals
1) Case Study #14: The Garbage Thieves
Chapter 13: You Be the Jerk!
Chapter 14: Drawing Some Conclusions (and a Cool Pie Chart)
Scientific Illustration #9: The Very Last One
CHAPTER 1
The Dawn of the Jerk
Imagine a very different world, billions of years ago. Okay, probably more like millions. Millions of years ago, nothing was as we now know it. There were no buildings, cars, airplanes, roads or electric lights. There was no pizza, and even if there had been, there were no ovens to cook it in. There were no wheels, paper, clothes or shoes, let alone computers, TVs or cell phones. There were no science projects, because there was no science class (or schools or grades or paper).
Earth was a wild, creepy place. There were oceans practically everywhere, and only one big, really weird-looking piece of land. Roaring volcanoes spewed lava and fossilized all the things that died. Monster birdlike thingies screeched and soared over the vast ocean and the forests of enormous ferns. Strange animals scrabbled out a living on land. It was a tough life, one where a creature didn’t know if it would be alive that night to sleep with one eye open for predators. The animals with flattish teeth grazed on plants. Those with pointy teeth ate the plant grazers. It was all pretty logical.
But all of a sudden one millennium, strange humanlike animals appeared, loping gorilla-style on all fours. These animals were pretty smart compared to the bacteria and algae that came before them. They started grunting at each other, using rocks for tools, and drawing on cave walls. And instead of all the humanlike things fending for themselves, they figured in their smallish, flat heads, Hey, if we all stick together, we’ll be harder to kill. And they were.
Problem time. Even if you don’t become some prehistoric monster’s lunch, living together sometimes sucks. Because not all people, even those early, grunting, ape-walking humans, are nice. Newly discovered cave scratchings show us this. (They can’t really be called drawings because they’re pretty bad. Think of your two-year-old cousin holding up a paper and screaming, “IT’S A CAT!” which you would never have figured out ever without her telling you.)
These cave scratchings were found in a cave, obviously, in remote Bmugwanaland in June of this year. All the best cave-scratch experts say they tell an important story, rather than just being random doodles by a bored early human stuck in the cave on a long rainy day.
It’s been in all the papers. Here’s a bit from one of the articles:
The rec
ent discovery in the Bmugwanaland caves of Central Africa continues to provoke discussion and debate among scientists.
“Yes, yes, they may look like the rudimentary scratchings of a demented two-year-old,” said an irritated Professor Basil Worthington-Smythe, lead archaeologist of the scientific expedition.
“But,” he added, “they very likely were scratched by an adolescent early human, possibly twelve to fourteen years old. And they clearly, unmistakably, paint a picture of a crucially important historical event.”
Here’s the story the cave scratchings tell. Once upon a time, a very long time ago, there was a small humanlike animal. He was all excited because he had found a really big, sturdy stick. You’d be pretty excited, too, if you’d seen the teeth on some of those monster predators. Anyway, so this little guy has a stick he’s all proud of. He walks around with it. He props it against a rock. He shows off a bit with it. It’s probably his only possession, other than possibly the rock.
But wait! A bigger humanlike animal struts over and swipes the little guy’s stick! Just like that, he grabs it before the little guy even has a chance to crack him a good one with it. The bigger guy, with a weird, scratched “ha-ha!” kind of smile, ape-runs off with the stick to his bigger cave. He’s got lots of sticks stacked in a pile, a whole hoard of them, all probably stolen. He looks back in a gloating way, rubbing this new stick against another stick. I don’t know if that was primitive-style trash-talking or what, but that’s what he does. And what do you know? He starts a fire. Whoosh! Little guy’s stick goes up in flames. End of stick.
Big guy is now being hailed by people like Professor Basil Blahbitty-Blahblah as this wonderful, supersmart early human—the first one to discover fire.
But we know better.
We know he was really the first jerk.
CHAPTER 2
A Long History of Jerks
That big early-human stick stealer may have been the first jerk in history—or at least the first documented jerk—but he sure wasn’t the last. History is so loaded with jerks that it would be impossible to name them all, even just in loose categories like “military jerks” or “artistic jerks” or “political jerks.” It would take way, way too long, be very boring and involve looking up dates and facts. Also, this is a science project, so there is important groundbreaking research to dive into.
Just trust me on this one: jerks can be found in every era of history, in any event, big or small. War brings out a lot of jerkishness in many people, but even beyond violence, there have always been jerks in all walks of life.
For example, in ancient Greece, when everyone wore long robes, there was probably a jerk who deliberately stepped on someone else’s robe when they were heading out to buy olives or invent philosophy or something. In medieval times, when knights were going out to battle in their armor, I guarantee you there was some jerk who kept clanging other knights’ visors down and laughing as they fumbled with their iron mitts to get them up again. And there was probably some jerk kid in the Middle Ages who would touch less popular kids and scream about having “plague cooties.”
We teach kids early about jerks and idiots. You can find them all over nursery rhymes, fairy tales and children’s stories. The Big Bad Wolf in “The Three Little Pigs”? Complete jerk, obviously. I mean, even though two of those pigs weren’t the sharpest tools in the shed (a wolf-proof house out of straw? Sticks? Seriously?), blowing down houses is just a jerkish thing to do. Actually, come to think of it, the Big Bad Wolf also ate Little Red Riding Hood, didn’t he? Or am I confusing wolves? Anyway, eating people will generally launch you off the idiot-to-jerk scale into a whole different territory involving police, courts and jails. But I guarantee that everyone will agree you’re also a complete jerk.
Or take “Cinderella.” Hard to find bigger, more complete jerks than that wicked stepmother and her two hag daughters. Look, I’m sorry you’re really ugly and crabby and have superhuge feet and all, but you think you can just lock Cinderella up and keep using her as slave labor? Uh-uh, girls.
The witch in “Hansel and Gretel”? Cree-py. Hmmm, a sinister gingerbread house in the middle of a dark forest in Nowheresville…Anyone but an idiot, or a pair of idiots, would have run away. Anyway, she’s a witch, okay? And she apparently eats children. What is it with the eating people thing in children’s books? Anyway, two important jerk clues. Most witches in children’s stories are complete jerks, as are trolls, ogres and giants. And anyone with “wicked” or “evil” added to their name is a safe bet to be a total jerk.
It’s also almost always safe to assume that any character who’s supposed to be mean or evil is a complete jerk as well. Like Voldemort or Darth Vader. Complete jerks, obviously. But sometimes the superbad characters aren’t supposed to be complete jerks. Sometimes they’ve been misunderstood, or they have a core of goodness deep down inside. Like that’s believable. But think about it. In some really heavy-moral stories, the main character is a jerk who learns to become less jerkish and even sort of nice by the end of the story. Take Scrooge. He’s this old, miserable guy—a complete jerk—who gets dragged around by some ghosts who show him what a jerk he’s been in the past, how jerkish he is now and the jerk he might become in the future. He finally—finally—figures “Hey, I’ve been a complete jerk!” and becomes nice. Kind of. Only, if he has to have people spell out with flashbacks and hand puppets and things how he’s a complete jerk, I’m not sure I wouldn’t classify him as still being an idiot.
Anyway, on a similar theme we have the Grinch, who actually steals everything in a whole little town (gifts, trees, furniture, food) because he hates Christmas and wants to ruin it for everybody else. “What a complete jerk!” we’re supposed to think. But then the Grinch sees that his plan didn’t work, because the normal, non-jerkish little Who folks held Who hands, sang and refused to let him ruin things, and so he becomes nice. In fact, his heart grows two sizes that day. Believable? Hmmm…(See Chapter 11 for a scientific look at jerks and behavior change.)
But you know what I’ve noticed in my scientific survey of kids’ stories? That for every complete jerk, there’s an idiot around. We’ve already mentioned Hansel and Gretel. But Goldilocks is another perfect example. Goldilocks was a total idiot. Breaking into the bears’ house? Eating their porridge (all three bowls)? Sleeping in all of their beds? I mean, come on! How idiotic. In my scientific opinion, she deserved to run all the way home with three bears on her heels.
Goldilocks leads nicely into my final observation in this chapter. It’s about what I call “hidden jerks.” I’m not just talking about monsters under the bed, although they might qualify. Hidden jerks are jerky characters who sort of fly under the radar, because their jerkishness is not immediately obvious.
The Cat in the Hat is a perfect example. Most people would go all “No way! Not the Cat! He gives those two pale kids some fun on that wet, wet, wet day!” So we’re supposed to think. But what does he actually do?
He breaks into the house. Criminal behavior usually qualifies you as a jerk, as I mentioned before. But if that isn’t enough for you, he brings in those two completely destructive and eerily silent little jerks, Thing One and Thing Two.
He trashes the place and annoys the kids. Anyway, sure, he cleans up his messes, but not until the mom’s leg appears in one picture, like she’s just coming around the corner and will be home in seconds, which stresses out the frantic kids completely. So really, even though the book has some pounding rhymes that you’ll never get out of your head, it’s all about a jerk.
The song “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” gives us another example of hidden jerks. Eight of them, to be exact, because all of the reindeer except Rudolph were complete jerks. Ever heard the song? Rudolph’s all shy and embarrassed about his freakishly un-reindeerlike bright red nose, and all of the other reindeer / used to laugh and call him names / They never let poor Rudolph / join in any reindeer games. Need I say more? Sure, when he became the rock-star reindeer Santa handpicked to
guide the old sleigh, they loved him, but when it really mattered they were complete and utter jerks. Bullies, even. Yet people happily sing this song every year, as if it’s just another heartwarming holiday song.
These examples clearly show the need for some scientific research about jerks. That’s where I come in (as a researcher, not a jerk).
CHAPTER 3
Organization, the Sciencey Way, Lame Definitions
and the First Two of Many Scientific Illustrations
I have, in the previous two chapters, scientifically established that jerks have been around since humans began, well, being human. But as far as I can tell, no one has ever done a scientific study of what makes a jerk a jerk, identifying and studying jerkish behavior and plotting it all on very important-looking graphs and charts that should fill up some pages and earn me extra marks.
Jerks are a very large, difficult group to study. There’s a lot of them, they can be found anywhere, in any situation, and they don’t exactly wear I’m A Jerk! badges. Let’s face it—the baking-soda-and-vinegar volcano (of which there will be many handed in for this assignment) would have been an easier, flashier choice for a science project.
But difficulty never stopped my scientific colleagues, like Galileo and Einstein, from discovering whatever it was they discovered. Nope, even without Google they figured out some very serious stuff.
The following sections describe how I will proceed in researching this very difficult topic.
A) Organization
Organization is the key to all serious scientific study. In this science project, I will:
1) use A) for the first things in my scientific lists, then
2) use 1) if I need to say more scientific things about A), and then
3) start with the small letters (a) for more detail about 1), then
4) use tiny roman numbers for more (i) and even more (ii) detail, but only up to maybe (iii), which is three, because it starts getting confusing with the v’s, so don’t get attached to the roman numerals.
On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk Page 1