by Floyd, Susan
“I’m sorry, Dexter. I didn’t mean to—”
“Yes, Clem,” he said, his voice a hard staccato. “Every morning when I get up I wonder what I could have done to prevent Joanna from dying. And if she’d decided not to go out, she would still be alive.”
Then he swallowed hard and started to leave.
She reached a hand out and held on. “Don’t go, Dexter. Talk to me.”
He stopped but wouldn’t look at her.
“What happened?”
“I killed her, Clem.”
Her throat was dry. She took his hands in hers and squeezed as hard as she could. “No, Dex. It was an accident.”
He shook his head. “No. I killed her.”
“How can you think that?” Clem wanted to shake him. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“I’ve never told anyone this. No one,” he whispered.
“What?”
“She didn’t want to go.”
Clem could barely hear the words. “What?” She bent her head close to his.
“She didn’t want to go.” The words came out flat, toneless. He cleared his throat. “She didn’t want to go.”
“But I thought she was having a good time.” Clem made her voice as soothing as she could.
“She always did once she got out, but she never wanted to go.” Dexter gave a short laugh, his mind left in the past. “I always had to push her out the door.”
“So you did it that time?”
His eyes were dry with unshed tears. “Yes. She wasn’t feeling well. She had her period and she wanted to stay home. But I bugged her until she went.”
“Did she have to go?” Clem asked.
Dexter nodded. “I needed her. She was a good hand, plus I knew Randy wanted to get her alone so he could ask her to marry him.”
“Then she couldn’t have stayed home.”
“Randy could have asked her to marry him at home. Hell, he could have gotten home a little early or taken her out behind the barn after dinner. He didn’t have to do it while we were working. But he wanted to.”
“So she never knew Randy was going to propose? That he wanted to marry her?” Clem found that inexplicably sad.
Dexter shrugged. “Joanna was a highly intuitive person. I think she knew it was only a matter of time. Randy was hooked. But no, she didn’t know it was going to be that day.” He pressed his lips tightly together. “I killed her, Clem.”
Clem shook her head, tears forming in her eyes. “No, you didn’t. You did what you needed to do. You couldn’t have known. No one could have known.” A tear fell and dropped on his arm.
He looked at it in surprise. “Why are you crying?”
“Because you can’t,” Clem said with a helpless laugh. “I’m crying your tears.”
DEXTER PUT A GENTLE HAND on Clem’s face and traced the scar in her eyebrow where the stitches had just been taken out. He’d never seen such a beautiful woman in his life, red, puffy eyes and all. “No one’s ever done that for me,” he said quietly.
Clem brushed away her tears. “It’s just so sad. I’m so sorry that Joanna never knew she was about to be engaged.”
“She knew. I think deep down she knew.”
“Do you think she knew she was going to die?” Clem asked.
Dexter shook his head. “I don’t think so. I hope not. I hope it was a complete surprise to her.”
Clem wrapped her arms around his neck and she kissed his cheek. He could feel her tears on his face and he hugged her close.
“You don’t have to go, Clem,” he whispered. “I’ll respect whatever decision you make. We all will.”
She sniffed. “Thank you.” She looked around. “Do you happen to have another hankie on you?”
He fished it out of his back pocket. “I’m going to need to stock up on these.”
“I’ve washed the others,” Clem hiccuped.
He put his arm around her as she blew her nose.
She gave him a watery smile.
“See?” she said. “That’s growth.”
“What?”
“You’re able to just let me cry.”
“Since you’re crying my tears, I thought it might be for the best.”
She laughed.
“You are beautiful,” he said, wondering where all his breath had gone.
She looked down at the handkerchief in her hands.
He kissed her cheek and she closed her eyes.
CLEM COULD FEEL THE WARMTH of his breath on her temple, then her ear, and then the nape of her neck. His hands went through her hair and he leaned in for a kiss. It was just a bare brush against her lips.
She moaned in protest as he pulled away. But he wasn’t gone for long, as he settled his lips on hers more thoroughly. Clem felt heady as she moved closer. But almost before the kiss had started, it was over. This time he pulled away for good.
“I’ve got to go.”
She shook her head. “You don’t have to go.”
He nodded with a small smile. “Yes, I do.”
She held out her hand to him and indicated the stairs behind her. “Come with me.”
He gave her quick peck on her forehead. “As tempting as your offer is, I’m very aware that I’m in your parents’ house, with your parents upstairs.”
She frowned. “They don’t care.”
“I care. I care too much about what they think of me to do anything that would—”
Clem smiled. “I’m thirty-two, not eighteen. My virtue would hardly be compromised.” Still, she was touched by the reluctance in his face, the regret in the second kiss he placed on her forehead.
He shook his head. “We’ll save it for later—once the cows are in. We have a lot to talk about.”
She smiled as he walked out.
They did have a lot to talk about.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CLEM COULD ONLY PICK at her food, but the others at the table were feeling triumphant. As her father had predicted, they’d brought in the magic four hundred, and Ryan was already on the trail of the other two hundred. They’d put in a good week’s worth of work. Clem knew because she watched their comings and goings from the porch.
Randy always motioned for her to join them, but she’d shaken her head and patted her ribs. The truth was that her body had healed a lot quicker than her mind. She could barely feel her injuries, and her face had just a shadow of a bruise. She’d have a permanent scar on her eyebrow, though, where the doctor had put in six stitches.
“I think we’re close to finding that smaller herd. Your dad, here, had some good ideas where to look,” Ryan was saying, bringing her back to the conversation.
“I am ready for a long night’s sleep,” Jim Wells declared. “You young fellows are ready to go party, I know, but I’m ready to collapse. I haven’t worked this hard in years. Don’t know where you get the stamina, day after day.”
Claire shook her head. “I warned you about trying to keep up.”
“Oh, he kept up, Mrs. Wells,” Randy said. “He even outdid us a couple of times. I think he prevented a stampede this morning. We also know we’re almost done and that makes us move a little faster.”
Clem forced herself to smile. She knew what her father was feeling; the excitement of being part of such a knowledgeable crew was heady. She’d felt it right up until the moment she went into the ravine. She wouldn’t ever do anything to put herself in that position again.
Claire Wells began to clear the table.
Clem stood up and took the dishes from her mother’s hands. “Don’t do that. I think you’re going to have to help Dad up those stairs,” she said, throwing a teasing glance at her dad.
“Oh, no.” Her mother put her hands on her hips and stared with affection at her husband. “If he can ride with the cowboys, he can climb his own stairs.”
“But I can’t run my own bath,” he hinted to his wife.
“A grown man and he can’t get himself into the tub.”
“I can get myself in the tub,
” Jim corrected her. With a sidelong look at the cowboys, he grinned as he reached out and patted Claire Wells’s bottom. “I just want a shot at getting you in there with me.”
Claire laughed and pulled herself out of his grasp. “In front of the children!”
Jim grinned and stood up suddenly, then groaned. Claire became concerned and slipped her shoulder under his arm. “Come on, old man. Let’s get you out of here while you still have your dignity left.”
They all watched her mother help her father. Clem smiled when Jim goosed Claire halfway up the stairs.
Ryan began to help Clem clear the table.
“So, Clem,” Randy said after her parents were out of sight. “When are you going to get out there with us again?”
Clem shook her head with a wry smile. She leaned over the table to gather up the salad bowls. “I think my cowboy days are over. I’ll tend to the home fires while you men do the work. Don’t you think the supper was good?”
“Excellent,” Ryan put in.
Randy stared hard at her and she began to squirm. “Don’t tell me that little spill made you chicken or something.”
Clem stiffened, but then remembered the talk she’d had with Dexter. He agreed with her decision. In fact, he seemed relieved.
“Lay off,” Dexter growled.
Clem covered her discomfort by clucking. “I’m so chicken that you could fry me up for a Fourth of July picnic.”
“Haven’t you ever heard of getting back on the horse that threw you?” Randy asked, his tone serious. “Everyone takes spills.”
“It wasn’t just the spill,” Clem said, wondering why he wasn’t accepting her explanation as easily as Dexter had. “It just made me realize that I was am really out of my league.”
Randy rolled his eyes. “Excuses, excuses.”
“Miller, that’s enough,” Dexter said. “If Clem doesn’t want to go out, she doesn’t have to.”
“But that’s just the problem, Dex. I think she wants to but is too scared.”
Clem didn’t like that he echoed her mother’s words, but she agreed with him, anyway. “You’re right. I am scared. But I’m also smart and I know that I would just slow you all down.”
Randy pushed his plate aside. “That’s bull. Tell her, Dex. Tell her that she’s shoveling it faster than the cows can make it.”
“I’m not going to tell her anything,” Dex said. “She knows what I think.”
Clem noticed he wouldn’t look at her, but that didn’t matter. She did know what he thought. Now that her father was back, he could take her place and there wasn’t much more to discuss. Despite this evening’s fatigue Clem could tell how good the exercise was for her father. It had also given him a lot of fun.
She cleared her throat. “Dex and I talked and we agreed that it would probably be safer if I stayed behind.”
“Really, now.” Randy eyed Dexter. “And whose idea was that, exactly?”
Clem didn’t understand the exchange that was going on. She saw Ryan shake his head slightly at Randy, but Randy ignored him and waited for her answer.
“Was it yours, Scott?” The words shot across the table to Dexter, who didn’t flinch.
He just stared down Randy.
“No!” Clem jumped to Dexter’s defense. “It wasn’t his suggestion. I made it, and he agreed. I think it’s for the best.”
Randy opened his mouth, but then shut it. He threw his napkin on the table and walked out.
Ryan started to clear the table. “He’ll get over it,” he assured her. “But, Clem, I think he’s right. I think you should get in there for this hunt. They’re the last, and if they are where we think they are, it’s going to be a piece of cake getting them in.”
“If it’s a piece of cake,” Clem said, her voice tart, “then you can do it just fine without me.”
“Sure we could.” Ryan gave her a full smile. “But it’s a lot more fun with you.” He shot a sidelong look at Dexter who was staring at the wall. “Dexter behaves a lot better when you’re around.”
RANDY WAS SITTING on the bunk when Dexter entered the room.
“What do you want?” Randy’s voice was rude.
“I want to know why you won’t lay off Clem,” Dexter said mildly. “If she doesn’t want to go, she doesn’t want to go.”
Randy’s eyes glittered, his emotions barely controlled. “Especially since that’s what you want, too, right?”
“What do you mean by that?” Dexter felt himself become more defensive. He didn’t like the fact that he and Randy seemed to be arguing a lot these days. It seemed as if all the hurt and anger that had been buried after Joanna’s death was destined to resurface here at the Wellses’ ranch.
Randy stood up and poked Dexter in the chest. “I mean you’d be happy if Clem were just half a woman.”
Dexter looked down at the finger in his chest. “If you want to keep that finger, I suggest you remove it. You’d have a heck a time drawing with four fingers.”
Randy didn’t laugh. His voice was bitter. “You’re using your fear to cripple her as much as if you broke her leg.”
“What is this about?” Dexter asked. “Is this about Clem? If it is, I think it’s really none of your business.”
“I’m not going to watch you do that to her.”
“Do what?”
“Encourage her fear.”
“I’m not encouraging her fear. She’s an adult. This is her decision.” Dexter felt a little twinge, almost as if deep down, he didn’t even believe the words.
“You know that’s not true. You know it.” Randy sat down and shook his head, his eyes sad. “You need to encourage the people you love to do as much as they can, even if they’re not necessarily making the safest choices. Your job is to help the one you love grow. You’re holding Clem back by encouraging her fear. You’re giving her every reason not to ride.”
“What am I supposed to do?” Dexter asked. “Put her on the horse? Make her ride if she doesn’t want to? If she doesn’t want to go, she doesn’t have to go.”
“She won’t go because she’s frightened, not because she doesn’t want to go. She loved being in those hills. You saw her face. You saw what she was like. Even when she was scared, she loved it.”
Dexter was silent. Since her accident, he hadn’t seen the smile that caused his heart to stop because of the sheer happiness in it.
“But…” Dexter’s voice trailed off.
“I know her spill scared you just as much as it scared her. I know you were thinking about Joanna all over again. But Clem’s all right. A couple of bruised ribs and a few stitches as a souvenir. But that’s not all she’s carrying around. She scared. And that’s a life-changing burden.”
“What if it happens again?” Dexter could barely get the words out. He stared at his friend. “I can’t lose Clem.”
“You can’t live your life as if you’re going to lose her,” Randy said. “What are you going to do? Wrap her up in bubble wrap and hope that she doesn’t get nicked? The only thing you can do is love her, man. And if you love her it means that you have to let her grow even if it’s scary.”
“Like you did with Joanna.”
Randy wiped away a tear. He nodded. “Yes, like I did with Joanna. I wouldn’t have changed a minute of what I had with her. I don’t have regrets. I just miss her.”
DEXTER FOUND CLEM in the stable brushing Archie later that evening.
“Sorry, it’s been a while, boy,” she was saying. “Soon we’ll go for a trot around the property. You’ll like that.”
“I think he’d like going on the hunt for the other herd better,” Dexter said.
Clem smiled at him. “You want to take him? He’d really appreciate the exercise.”
He shook his head and crossed over toward her. “No.”
Clem’s eyebrows came together. “Then I don’t know how he can join the hunt.”
“If you ride him.”
Clem laughed and brushed harder. “I thought we had this set
tled. You haven’t been talking to Randy, have you?”
“I have been talking to Randy.”
“And you set him straight, right?”
He was silent.
Clem stopped what she was doing and stared at Dexter. “You set him straight, didn’t you?” she asked. For some reason her voice rose an octave.
He shook his head. “No, Clem. I think he finally set me straight.”
“About what?”
“About you.”
Clem sucked in air, making her ribs ache. “We’ve covered this. I’m not going.”
“And I need to tell you for the record that you should go. Randy’s right. If it’s the fear that’s stopping you, then that’s not acceptable.”
That’s not acceptable.
Clem remembered those were the exact words she’d said to him when he’d told her he was retired.
“Why are you making me do this?” she asked.
He shook his head, lifting a hand to her face. “I’m not making you do anything.” He ran a finger down her cheek. “You need to do this.”
He dug around in his pocket, his movements awkward. “I have something for you.”
“I’m not going with you tomorrow,” she said stubbornly.
“This doesn’t have anything to do with whether you’re going or not. It’s something I want you to have.”
He held something that glittered.
“My locket!” Clem exclaimed. “Where did you find it?”
Dexter shook his head. “It’s not yours. But I want you to have it.”
She was inexplicably touched. “You shouldn’t have bought me a new locket. It was just something my father gave me.”
He was silent for a long time. Then he whispered, “I didn’t buy this for you. It’s Joanna’s.”
Clem stared at the locket. Joanna had died in a riding accident.
“Joanna loved life. She never let being afraid stop her from doing anything. She was so alive.” Dexter’s voice was so low she had to listen very carefully to catch all the words. “That’s how I want you to be alive.”
Clem shook her head. “I’m not brave like Joanna was. I’m not Joanna.”