by Ross Petras
dialogue from Attack of the Crab Monsters
On Film Roles, Bad Choices Concerning:
Who ever heard of Casablanca? … I don’t want to star opposite an unknown Swedish broad.
George Raft, on the role of Rick in Casablanca (although some say he actually wanted the role and was merely expressing sour grapes)
On Films, Must-See:
Chairman Mao Reviews the Mighty Contingent of the Cultural Revolution for the Fifth and Sixth Times
1967 film, People’s Republic of China
On Fire Extinguishers:
I move, Mr. Chairman, that all fire extinguishers be examined ten days before every fire.
city councilman during debate
On Firm Stands:
[I am] pro-choice with limitations, pro-life with exceptions.
Senator John Warner of Virginia, in a statement kicking off his bid for reelection
On Fish, Strange Habitats of:
The right honorable gentleman has gone to the top of the tree and caught a very big fish.
Sir W. Hart Dyke, Member of Parliament
On Fitness, Role Models and:
If you’re looking for a role model, you can’t have someone who is not physically fit. Margaret Mead was a good role model, but she may not have looked good in a swimsuit.
Leonard Horne, Miss America Pageant director, on why a swimsuit competition is necessary
On Flags:
The new Irish Flag would be Orange and Green, and would in future be known as the Irish tricolor.
Smith O’Brien, Irish revolutionary
On Flexibility:
I’ve lived under situations where every decent man declared war first and I’ve lived under situations where you don’t declare war. We’ve been flexible enough to kill people without declaring war.
Lewis B. Hershey, Lieutenant General and director of the Selective Service System, on the Vietnam War
On Flight Attendants, International:
The stewardesses of Southwest Airlines must go through four steps, such as hardship, tiredment, dirt feeling. Beside the quality of general stewardess.
from the first edition of Chinese airline Southwest Civil Aviation’s Inflight Magazing (sic)
On Fly Balls:
Eric Show will be oh for ten if that pop fly comes down.
Jerry Coleman, San Diego Padres announcer
On Folks, Just Plain:
The witch wants quiet, regular, ordinary good government with everyone happy, plenty of fun and games, all fear of death being taken away.
Gerald Brousseay Gardner, famed British witch, explaining that most witches are actually conservatives
On Food Subsidies for Congressmen, Reasons for:
On the basis that it is essential and economical, economical for the country and for the Congress to have food available around here.
Representative Jamie L. Whitten (D-Miss.) on why food subsidies were being cut for the poor—but kept for the House and Senate restaurants
On Football:
It’s not good for business if you care for a second whether blood is bubbling from a guy’s mouth.
Minnesota Viking Joey Browner
On Football:
Football is one of the highest forms of spiritual exercise.
the Rt. Rev. William T. Manning as reported in the Manhattan press circa 1926
On Football, Flooded Fields In:
If there’s a pileup, they’ll have to give some of the players artificial insemination.
Curt Gowdy, television announcer, during an AFL all-star game marked by heavy rains that flooded the field
On Football, Losses and Mixed Metaphors In:
If you can’t make the putts and can’t get the man in from second on the bottom of the ninth, you’re not going to win enough football games in this league, and that’s the problem we had today.
Sam Rutigliano, Cleveland Browns coach, on why his team lost
On Footwear:
I have no weakness for shoes. I wear very simple shoes which are pump shoes. It is not one of my weaknesses.
Imelda Marcos, former First Lady of the Philippines, and owner of 3,400 pairs of shoes
On Forgetting Things:
I must have had ambrosia.
Milwaukee Brewers Jim Gantner, on why he forgot to appear on a talk show
On Forms, Proper use of:
This form must not be used only in cases previously reported on proper blank.
Cleveland, Ohio, official police form heading
On a 4-4 Win/Loss Record:
It just as easily could have gone the other way.
Chicago Cubs manager Don Zimmer on his team’s 4-4 record on a road trip
On Fractions:
The poor man was absolutely robbed by that accursed system by fully one-tenth of his hard earnings. Nay! he was sometimes deprived of as much as one-twentieth.
Major O’Gorman, Member of Parliament, discussing the Tithe Bill
On Fraternal Organizations, Little-Known Pacts About:
Tolstoy was an unconscious Kiwanian.
Edward Scheve in a speech to the Huntington Park, California, Kiwanis Club, as quoted in the Watts Review
On Free Speech:
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.
movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn, to a young writer
On Freedom:
Man has been given his freedom to a greater extent than ever and that’s quite wrong.
Martha Mitchell, wife of former Attorney General John Mitchell
On Freedom of Speech, Great Moments In:
Freedom of speech of the individual citizen must be based on the four basic principles of insisting on the socialist road, the dictatorship of the proletariat, the leadership of the party, and Marxism-Leninism-Mao Zedong thought. The citizen has only the freedom to support these principles and not the freedom to oppose them….
People’s Republic of China prosecutor, during the Wei Jingsheng case in 1979, in which defendant Wei, a human rights champion, cited the Chinese constitution guaranteeing free speech in his defense. He lost.
On Freudian Slips:
We need laws that protect everyone. Men and women, straights and gays, regardless of sexual perversion … ah, persuasion.
Bella Abzug, New York politician, addressing a rally for the Equal Rights Amendment
On Freudian Slips:
I am speaking of a great man who should have been President and would have been one of the greatest Presidents in history—Hubert Horatio Horn-blower.
Jimmy Carter in a speech at the 1980 Democratic Convention
On Freudian Slips:
For seven and a half years I’ve worked alongside President Reagan. We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex … uh … setbacks.
George Bush
On Freudian Slips:
[I ask you to] work together with me for a better life for oil … I mean all.
Senator Henry Jackson, campaigning in 1976
On Freudian Slips:
The United States has much to offer the third world war.
Ronald Reagan in a speech, on what the United States had to offer the Third World. He repeated this error nine times in the same speech.
On Friendship:
His friends are legend. And I trusted him explicitly.
boxing announcer Harry Balogh, on a famous boxing commissioner
On Fulfillment:
My men grumble that they are frustrated—that there are no good targets left any more. But I always remind them of the plight of the pilots back in the States. “Let’s face it,” I tell them, “Vietnam is the only place in the world today where you can drop real bombs.”
a U. S. Air Force wing commander during the Vietnam War
On Fun, How to Have It:
We have to pursue this subject of fun very seriously if we want to stay competitive in the twenty-first century.
Singapore Minister of State for Finance and World Affairs George
Yeo
On Fun, Innocent:
A jolly bunch of our young people went on a kayaking expedition Sunday that resulted in many exposures and a very enjoyable time.
an item in the Bald Knob (Arizona) Eagle
On the Future:
If we maintain our faith in God, our love of freedom, and superior global air power, I think we can look to the future with confidence.
General Curtis LeMay, in a speech given at Notre Dame’s Washington’s Birthday exercises, February 1956
On the Future:
Our pitching could be better than I think it will be.
Sparky Anderson, then Detroit Tigers manager, on the outlook for the coming year
On the Future:
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.
Vice-President Dan Quayle
On the Future:
We see nothing but increasingly brighter clouds every month.
President Gerald Ford, on the economy, to a group of Michigan businessmen
On the Future:
We are not ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
Vice-President Dan Quayle in an interview with the Cleveland Plain Dealer
On the Future, How to Plan for:
We should not look at the immediate situation in terms of planning a new move in any time frame that is now immediately foreseeable.
Henry Kissinger, Secretary of State, speaking to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee
On the Future, Where It Is:
The Baltimore Colts are a bright young team. It seems as if they have their future ahead of them.
Curt Gowdy, sports announcer
On the Future, Where It Is:
It’s a question of whether we’re going to go forward into the future, or past to the back.
Vice-President Dan Quayle
SPECIAL SECTION:
Yogi Berra
Lorenzo Pietro Berra, or Lawrence Peter Berra, better known as Yogi Berra, is an American institution.
A great New York Yankee catcher and manager of both the New York Yankees and Mets, elected three times as the American League’s most valuable player, Berra was noted on field for his hitting and catching, and off field for his pithy way of saying the wrong thing in a way that made the Yogi-ism wiser and more meaningful than the right way of saying it. For example, there’s a lot of wisdom in Yogi’s:
You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.
Of course, other Yogi-isms are just plain fun. When someone asked Manager Yogi if Don Mattingly’s performance as a first baseman had exceeded his expectations, Yogi answered: “I’d say he’s done more than that.”
Many Yogi-isms may have been attributed to Yogi rather than actually said by him. And some things he said evolved a bit in the retelling. For example, a careful Sports Illustrated survey found that Yogi’s famous “It ain’t over till it’s over” probably began as “We’re not out till we’re out,” referring to a 1974 pennant race. That became “You’re not out of it till you’re out of it” and so on until it became the quintessential Yogi-ism in its final, pithy form.
But no matter. The fun of Yogi-isms is the fun of them, whether he actually said them or not. And he himself admitted he often didn’t remember if he said a specific Yogi-ism or not. So, when reading Yogi, remember what Yogi said:
I could’ve probably said that.
Some of Yogi’s Best:
I want to thank all those who made this night necessary.
(addressing the crowd at a 1947 event in his honor)
You give a hundred percent in the first half of the game, and if it isn’t enough, in the second half you give what’s left.
Mantle’s a switch hitter because he’s amphibious.
How can you say this and that when this and that hasn’t happened yet?
If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.
A nickel ain’t worth a dime any more.
I don’t know, I’m not in shape yet.
(when asked his cap size)
He is a big clog in their machine.
(reportedly talking about Ted Williams)
Slump, I ain’t in no slump. I just ain’t hitting.
I got a touch of pantomime poisoning.
(explaining to his manager, Casey Stengel, why he couldn’t play a game)
If I didn’t wake up, I’d still be sleeping.
How can you think and hit at the same time?
I wish I had an answer to that because I’m getting tired of answering that question.
(in response to a question about the ’84 Yankees’ dismal record)
G
On Gab, the Gift of:
Well, I think that’s a—it’s had some difficult times but I think we have—we, I think, have been able to make some very good progress and it’s—I would say that it’s—it’s—it’s delightful that we’re able to—to share the time and the relationship that we—that we do share.
Senator Edward Kennedy, during a November 4, 1979, on-air interview with Roger Mudd, trying to answer the question “What is the present state of your marriage?”
On Gab, the Gift of:
Well, I’m going to kick that one right into the end zone of the Secretary of Education. But, yes, we have all—he travels a good deal, goes abroad. We have a lot of people in the department that does that. We’re having an international—this is not as much education as dealing with the environment—a big international conference coming up. And we get it all the time—exchanges of ideas.
President George Bush, in February 1990, answering a high school student’s questions about whether the Bush administration was getting ideas on education from other countries
On Gab, the Gift of:
But let me—I better switch over here for some more—and may I—a question—and I don’t mean to offend with regard to follow-up—and I understand why you had them, but we’ve been reduced to the number of questions we get to ask when everybody has a follow-up. So ask them both at once.
President Ronald Reagan during a 1984 press conference
On Gay Rights, L.A.P.D. and:
It’s easier to thump a faggot than an average Joe. Who cares?
a Los Angeles police officer, quoted in the Christopher Commission Report
On Geography:
You mean there are two Koreas?
a U.S. Ambassador-designate to the Far East, after being asked his opinion during congressional hearings on the North Korea-South Korea conflict, as reported by government officials
On Geography:
Ballarat is the fairest city south of the hemisphere.
Edward Murphy, Legislative Assemblyman from Victoria, Australia
On Geography:
The town of Albany contains 500 dwelling houses and 2400 inhabitants, all standing with their gable ends to the street.
Morse’s Geography, the premier geography textbook in the United States during the 1800s
On Geography:
This is the greatest country in America.
Ex-Houston Oiler and Florida State coach Bill Peterson
On Geography:
I favor this irrigation bill in order that we may turn the barren hills of my state into fruitful valleys.
a senator, as reported by Massachusetts State Senator John F. Parker, in support of a pork-barrel bill
On Geography, Politicians’ Knowledge of:
This is morally repugnant to millions of people, not only in the United States, but also in the 24th Congressional District.
Representative Alfred Santangelo of New York, in a debate on setting up a national lottery
On Georgia, Proud Boasts About:
Georgia produces enough fine apples each year for every man, woman and child in the state to have two bushels.
Georgia’s sanitarium for the insane has for the past year every bed occupied and many waiting to be taken in.
&
nbsp; from the Atlanta Constitution, 1924
On Getting Ahead:
It’s not politics, it’s just who you know.
Paul Guanzon, sportscaster, on how to become one
On Getting Ahead:
It’s about 90% strength and 40% technique.
Johnny Walker, world middleweight wrist-wrestling champion, on what it takes to be a champ
On Getting Along with Others:
Contrary to popular belief, I have always had a wonderful repertoire with my players.
Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager
On Gloves, Why One Should Wear:
I’m wearing these gloves for my hands.
Yogi Berra, when asked why he was wearing gloves
On God:
I can’t understand how all this can happen. It’s enough to make one lose one’s faith in God!
Eva Braun, writing to a friend from Hitler’s bunker during the siege and bombing of Berlin in April 1945