I pick up the phone to call Landon, but I set it back down on my bed. I can’t talk to him right now. I’m afraid of what I’d say. I’d probably do something stupid like ask him to give up college and move here to Cliff Ridge and get a job at a fast food restaurant. He deserves to go to college and get his degree…become of lawyer if that’s what he wants to do, and I can’t be the one to stand in his way. I have to accept that and hope like hell we can be together someday in some way.
I sift through his texts. There are many of them. He’s thinking about me. He loves me. He wants to talk to me. He wants me to hang in there. He loves me like crazy. That last one sends a jagged blade through my heart.
I text him back I’m tired and need to go to bed, that I’ll talk to him tomorrow. I have to buy some time while I figure out what I’m going to do next.
A full day has passed since I’ve talked to Landon. I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about everything, but mainly about how I break things off. I’m so afraid he’s going to come up here and ditch his test, though I’d love nothing more than to see him. I can’t let him do that. I have to be the responsible one…the sensible one.
But there’s nothing sensible about love.
I hit his number, and my heart pounds as I listen to the phone ring.
“Hey,” he says with a tempered excitement in his voice that shreds my heart into bits.
“Hey.”
“How’d it go yesterday?” he asks.
“It went fine.” My voice is weird. I know it is, but I can’t be normal right now when I’m being ripped apart like this.
“Is he in jail?”
“For now,” I say, “but I think he’ll probably get out on probation.”
“I want to come up there and kill him.”
I close my eyes and drink in his protection, his passion for what’s right. My stomach sickens at the idea that I’m going to lose this part of him. “Thanks, but I’d rather you not. It might be hard to wrestle from prison.”
“Look, Chloe, about that.”
My heart seizes at what I suspect he’s about to say. I can’t let him say it. I can’t let him tell me he’s decided to ditch everything. I can’t handle being the one who ended his wrestling scholarship, his college career, his entire life path.
Monica can help him stay in school. Like she said, with her in his life he thrives, with me in his life, he shuts down. I love him, and I’m trying so hard to do the right thing, but I so selfishly want to do the wrong thing. I can’t keep going back and forth with this. I’m so afraid of the choice I’m going to make, and it’s so important right now…today…that I make the right one. I’ve screwed up enough already. It’s time to make things right.
“I need to talk to you about something,” I blurt out.
“What is it, baby?”
A shiver runs up my spine at his first pet name for me, and then a sickening resolve consumes me. “I’m not coming back.”
Silence blasts between us.
“What do you mean you’re not coming back?” he finally asks.
I clench my eyes shut. “My mom needs me here. She’s really upset about what’s happened, and she doesn’t want to be away from me.”
“Okay, then I’m coming there.”
My eyes fly open. “No, you can’t come here.”
“The hell I can’t.”
“You’ve got your online class you’re taking. Don’t you have to finish that soon?”
“I don’t care about that. It’s not important to me anymore.”
I grip a handful of my comforter in frustration. “Yes it is, Landon. You can’t give up on your class just to be here with me.”
“Yes, I can. I can do whatever the hell I want. And I want to be with you…especially right now. That’s all that matters.”
I brace my whole body for what I’m about to do, my stomach clenching, heart stinging like it’s being attacked with a million tiny lasers.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week. I didn’t really sleep last night.”
He pauses. “What were you thinking about?”
“Us, mainly.”
Silence, and then a hesitant, “Okay.”
My lip curls upward in disgust as I try to form words. “I think this is a good time to make the break.”
“What break?” he says like he’s chewing on screws.
I attempt to shut down my heart altogether. “Come on. We knew it had to end. We can’t date and be brother and sister.”
“Seems to have worked fine this summer.”
“Because nobody knew. You said yourself your mother would be so pissed if she found out.”
“She’ll have to get over it.”
I want so bad to tell him the real reason—he has to finish that summer course, and then he has to go to school. But I don’t think that’s going to be a good enough reason at this point. I’ve already screwed things up so badly by ignoring his learning disability. I should have been encouraging him to study not helping him blow her off. I’m the reason he’s giving in to the challenges he faces. He’s got people supporting and encouraging him. And then he’s got me tempting him to take a path opposite of what’s best for him.
I take a deep breath and swallow down the frog of emotion that’s climbing my throat. “I’m ending this, Landon. I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t respond, just lets the silence wail between us.
“I need to go.” I give no further explanation and hang up the phone.
Landon
I probably got myself fired today. I got lost several times taking people home and once going to the beach stop I make about a zillion times a day. I even had GPS calling out directions. One guy asked if I slept with my eyes open. I forgot to set my alarm to tell me when to stop working, so when the cart wasn’t back on time for the next shift, I started getting frantic texts from my boss wondering if I was at the bottom of the lake, and pissed off texts from Jordan who said he’d been waiting an hour to start his shift.
It’s been a week now since Chloe’s been gone. I was bummed when Ashley and I split. What I’m feeling now is more like a dull ache in my throat and chest that doesn’t even hint at letting up as the days pass. Food sucks. People suck. Running even sucks. It’s misery on a level I didn’t know existed.
At first, I spent every second consumed with trying to figure out what went wrong. I know Chloe went through a huge deal back home at the police station, but she was distant before that. She bolted that night after Monica came over…before her mom called with the news about her having to come home to give a statement.
I kept trying to replay what could have happened. What she could have overheard between Monica and me. We were working the whole time. Sure, we were playing around. I was in a great mood because Chloe was right there in the next room. I can’t imagine I said anything to Monica that Chloe overheard that would have pissed her off enough to be so cold to me. I even grilled Monica to see if she could unfold the mystery with me, but she was just as clueless as I was.
But now, after several unanswered and unreturned calls and text messages, I’m starting to move into the pissed off stage. I’m pissed that she won’t even talk to me—like I don’t have a say in our feelings for one another. Who goes from madly in love to shutting someone off in a matter of days? I’m especially pissed since I don’t have a clue what I’ve done.
My anger always manifests into rage over the asshole that she’s having to deal with at home, and the fact that I can’t be there to help her through what must be the most difficult time in her life. She’s come so far this summer, and then this asshole had to do this and set her back, not to mention the girl that did get raped. My body burns with fury over this entitled idiot.
I’ve dropped off the cart and am walking toward home when my phone rings. Every time I hear the noise, I imagine it’s
Chloe, and I grapple with whether or not I’ll answer it, but it’s never her, which digs the humiliation in even further.
My dad’s number flashes across the screen. I toss the phone back in my pocket. A couple of minutes later my text alert dings.
Tryouts this Saturday. Georgia Tech.
I’m nowhere near that zone right now. I’m not even motivated to go take this test so I can wrestle at North Florida State, much less tackle the barriers that come with a wide receiver position at Georgia Tech.
The will to move forward academically has been draining from my mind all summer, and now it’s all but dwindled to an insignificant droplet. I’ll always have books I can read, more history to soak up, though I don’t even want to do that right now. I just want a break from my brain. The easy way out calls my name, inviting me down its path, consequences be damned.
When I get home, I sit in front of my computer. Reaching for a Hail Mary, I sign on to my support group. I’m pretty quiet on here, but I do sign in and read about everyone pretty often. I usually don’t do more than hit the “sending my support” button. Nobody’s live right now, but their messages from the past few days and weeks linger. I start to read the most recent entry from two days ago from Angus who says he’s just failed his summer math makeup course and is going to have to take it for the third time during his senior year. He’s not sure he’s going to graduate now. I’m the thirteenth person to “send him my support.” A lot of damn good that does him.
I sign off and lay on my bed, staring at the stars on my ceiling. If I fail that test tomorrow, I lose my wrestling scholarship. Would they even still let me start school without a high school diploma? I’m no better than Angus. Who’s to say it’s not going to be me tomorrow, telling my story on the support group site, people leaving emoji hearts for comments and telling me to hang in there.
Passing the test gets me into college, but it only leads me to more math…more tests…more stress and degradation as I fail on a whole new college level.
I’m not sure I’m up for either option.
Chapter Forty-Eight
Chloe
Landon has quit trying to contact me. I got paranoid he might be trying to come here, so I found Monica on Facebook. She confirmed he was still there. She keeps telling me I did the right thing. We talked a little, and she thanked me for what I’m doing. I want to hate her so bad, but she’s really making it hard.
I can’t get out of bed. I’m so sick over all of it. I just want to fix it all, figure out a way to make everything okay…a way we could be together and he could stay in school. But that’s the problem. It is fixed. I remedied the problem. I successfully broke it off with him. And a serrated knife grinds at my heart every hour of every day because of it.
Jenna came by yesterday, but I wouldn’t tell her anything. I told her I ended it with Landon because I was back home, and he was leaving for college. She didn’t buy it, but she eventually stopped asking me questions about all of it.
My parents are paying for her and her dad to fly back to Florida, get the rest of our stuff, and then drive my car back. Jenna’s all excited. She’s gotten her dad an invite to the corporate party she’s working tonight in Pensacola. She can’t wait for him to see her do a gig. Cynthia has invited them to stay with her for the night before driving back tomorrow.
I picked at my lunch yesterday, and I skipped supper last night, but it’s hard to tell if the empty feeling in my stomach is hunger or the sick void I feel without Landon in my life. I push the covers back and head to the kitchen where I find my mom at the table with her laptop open. She’s working from home this week. She thinks I’m upset over the crap with Trevor. She has no idea he’s not even a blip on my radar anymore.
She shuts her laptop. “Hey, sweetie. I was just heading up to see you. Wanted to see if I could take you out to breakfast. What do you say?”
I sit at the table. “Sure.”
She takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. “I’m glad to see you up on your own. I didn’t have to pluck you out of bed today.”
I nod, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.
“Listen, hun. I need to tell you. The detective called today. She’s building her case against Trevor, and she has a few more questions for you. She wants to come by later. Do you think you’re up for it?”
“Yeah, of course.”
My mom knits her eyebrows together. “Really? Because if you’re not, I can put her off for a few days.”
“No, it’s fine. I’m fine…to talk to her. I want to help any way I can.”
“Great. Hey, this is kind of cool. She wants you and Kayla to go through a self-defense course they give at the police academy. I’m invited and so is Kayla’s mom. What do you think?”
Memories of the class I took with Landon flood my brain. That was before we kissed, and the vibe between us was so uncertain but thrilling all at once. That wave of sick longing moves through my chest like it’s done so many times these past few days.
I huff, staring off at a spot on our wallpaper. “I’ve already taken one. It was on my list.”
“Your list?”
I realize I said that last part out loud and shake my head. “Nothing.”
My mom eyes me. “Sweetie, this is going to sound strange, but is there something else bothering you?”
I look up at her, wanting desperately to talk to someone about everything. What does it matter at this point if she knows I fell in love with my future stepbrother? It’s over. And maybe this will help her understand why I will never want to spend Christmas or Thanksgiving with my dad again.
“Yeah, there’s something else.”
“Wow,” my mom says.
Not really the response I was expecting, but I’ll take it. It didn’t involve yelling or guilt…yet.
“So he’s really all that?” she asks.
I close my eyes and imagine Landon’s deep blue eyes, his little freckles over his nose, his shaggy hair, how thoughtful and kind he is, the lengths he went to in order to make me feel comfortable with him, his vulnerability that just made me love him more, how much he cares about his mom, and how passionate he gets when people threaten the ones he loves.
I let out an exhaustive breath. “He really is.”
“His mom talks that way about him, but I just assumed—”
“You’ve talked to Cynthia?” I ask.
“Of course I did. You were going to spend the summer with her in her house. I talked to her a few times before you left, and a few times while you were down there.”
The idea of Cynthia and my mom chatting each other up is weird on levels I can’t even conceive of. “Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
“Was that weird?” I ask.
“A little, but it would be even weirder if I didn’t know her at all. She’s caring for my child. I knew you’d be with her probably more than him, and I wanted to know a little about the person who you’d be getting to know. What’d you think about her?”
I shrug. “She’s kind. She’s a little overbearing at times, but I don’t know that she means to be. She does love Landon though, that’s for sure.” A thought occurs to me. “Don’t you think it’s weird that Dad found a woman who only had one kid that was around my age?”
“I think that was part of what drew them together, talking about you kids.”
That’s even weirder than Mom and Cynthia. “Really? God, what would Dad even have to say about me?”
She gives me a half smile from across the table. “Sweetie, we both know how your dad is. It’s really tough for him to show emotion. It’s part of the reason we divorced. I decided I wanted more, and he wasn’t willing to give it. But I don’t blame him for that. That’s just how he is, and at our age, I don’t think there’s any changing him at this point. But know this. He loves you more than anything in the world. He might not know how to tal
k to you, but he would lay his life down for yours.”
I blink, trying to process her words, my dad laying his life down for me. Until his weird reaction about Trevor during the phone call, I couldn’t have imagined him giving me a French fry off his plate. “I don’t know about that.”
“I do. I thought he was going to lose his mind when I told him about that night you had me pick you up from the boat dock. He wanted to come home, but I begged him not to. I knew you were freaked out about whatever had happened and his being here out of nowhere would make things so much worse.”
Oh my god. I wanted him here…desperately, but my mom thought I wouldn’t. He wanted to be here, though. He wanted to be with me. My heart warms like one of the missing pieces has been reattached.
She chuckles. “Do you know he called me every day this summer, updating me on your daily moods? Brad was starting to get jealous.”
Ugh. Brad. I almost forgot he existed. He’s been M.I.A., which has been nice, come to think of it. Like my old mom is back.
“He had no reason to be, of course. But what I’m trying to tell you is, if you think your dad doesn’t care about you, you’ve got it all wrong.” She sits back in her chair. “It all makes sense now.”
“What does?”
“As the summer went on, your dad said you were the happiest he’d ever seen you. He thought it was living at the beach.”
I smile. “That was good, too.”
The Summer Before Forever Page 26