“I finished just before I came to Whidbey.”
He eased off her. “You’re probably going to be okay.”
“What are you, a freaking obstetrician?” She slid away from him, furious at herself. At him. “What was I thinking? It’s not just the terrifying possibility of getting pregnant. You could have God knows what kind of STD.”
He stared at her. Hard. There was a different kind of heat in his eyes now—one driven by anger instead of passion. She watched the small tic in his jaw.
“Well, that sure as hell didn’t seem to bother you last night. I might’ve pulled out, but that doesn’t always mean anything,” he said tersely. “I’m clean. If you want me to get a new test to show you, I will. And I sure as hell don’t want any kids, so you can be assured this isn’t exactly sitting well with me either.”
She placed her fingers on her temples and shook her head, feeling as if she wanted to throw up. Her heart screamed how much she hated him. And again, hated herself. Why had she brought him back into her life? Her body?
She was the queen of bad decisions. That would always be a given in her life. Especially when it came to him.
“Get out,” she whispered.
“Sarah, look, there’s no—”
“Get out, Ian.” She should’ve said it fifteen minutes ago, but better late than never. Climbing off the bed, she strode to the bathroom. “I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want you in my life anymore. Got it?”
There was no reply, and she turned at the door to the bathroom. He sat on the edge of the bed, watching her. His expression was unreadable.
“Yeah. I got it.”
Then he slid out of bed and reached to grab the clothes on the ground. Her gaze unwittingly slid over the green Celtic knot tattoo that covered half his back and shoulder blades. She watched the muscles of his body ripple as he tugged on his clothes.
He truly had an extraordinary body. Was good in bed. And she was a sucker for it. That was the only way she could possibly rationalize what’d happened in the last twenty-four hours. Her complete lapse of sanity.
Whatever helps you sleep at night, her mind whispered, not buying the excuses.
“Well thanks for the fun, doll.” His tone was flat. “Be sure to let me know if I knocked you up.”
A hysterical laugh bubbled in her throat, but she swallowed it back down. Just like eleven years ago, her words had hit their mark and Ian was pissed.
Without a backward glance, Ian left the bedroom and a few minutes later she heard the front door click shut.
Tears blurred her eyes as she moved back into the bedroom to find her cell phone. It might be barely six here, but her mom was three hours ahead. Unfortunately it went straight to voicemail.
She left a message anyway. “I need to borrow some money, Mom. Maybe five hundred until I get paid again. I’m having Gran’s car repaired. Call me back and let me know if you can afford it.”
Once she disconnected the call, she curled up into a ball and let the tears fall. She must’ve fallen back asleep at some point, because her phone ringing woke her up. A quick glance at the caller ID showed it was her mom.
Sarah picked up with a groggy hello.
“Sorry I missed your call, Sarah. We’re out and about. Sure I can lend you money.” Her mom sounded distracted. “Are you all right? You sound…a little awful, actually.”
“I’m just stressed.” And heartbroken. “I really miss Em.” That much wasn’t a lie.
“I know. She misses you too. Hang on a second.” There was a pause as her mother seemed to be speaking to someone else. “Okay, I’m back.”
Tears fell silently down her cheeks. She tried to keep it together. “So you can send the money online?”
“I can mail you a check or something. I don’t do that online thing. One second—” There was another muffled silence. “Look, I must run…I’ll talk to you later, okay? I just didn’t want you to think I was ignoring your call.”
A little disappointed her mom was brushing her off, she said, “Sure. No problem.”
“And pull yourself together, Sarah.” Her mother’s voice dropped an octave. “Whatever it is, it’ll get better.”
“I know.” But what if it didn’t? What if it got worse?
*
“Boss, you got a—”
“I said no phone calls,” Ian snarled when someone popped their head into his office.
“Ugh, yeah. Sorry about that. I forgot.” Looking chagrined, and a little stunned, Carl backed out of the office at the garage and shut the door.
Fuck.
Ian thrust a hand through his hair and closed his eyes. He was in a shitty mood, no doubt about it. Anyone who came too close this morning was likely to get his head bitten off. It’d already happened a handful of times. Which made him wonder why people kept approaching him.
After leaving Sarah’s this morning, he’d gone home to shower and change, and then showed up late to work.
Maybe he should’ve just called in sick. Because he sure as hell felt pretty crappy now.
Which was ironic, because he’d woken up happy as a clam.
Happy was pretty much an understatement. This morning he’d felt like the hero in some animated love story. It was all sunshine and roses. He could’ve been using the toilet and birds would’ve been singing a love song in the background.
Life was amazing. He’d woken up next to Sarah, and he’d been content. Almost relieved to have her back in his arms again. It had felt so right. As if Sarah were his destiny and always had been. They’d just taken a wrong turn down the road of their relationship.
When he’d woken and found himself touching her, he’d almost said I want to make love to you again. The words had been on the tip of his tongue. And then his mind had overridden all the nonsense his heart was trying to convince him of.
Their relationship never was and never would be a fairy tale. Sarah being back on the island was temporary. Maybe the sex between them was awesome, and he could make her orgasm with barely any effort, but the bottom line was she still didn’t like him much. Maybe once they’d had that emotional connection, but now it was nothing more than a physical thing for them both.
So instead of the sappy love-filled words he’d wanted to say, he’d kept it crude. Had said he wanted to fuck her again, half-expecting her to push him away. To climb out of bed and tell him to go to hell.
But she hadn’t. There’d been a flash of shock in her eyes, and maybe something deeper. Hurt? No, that would mean she gave two shits about him.
So he’d nudged her thighs apart and sank into her. He’d found her wet and ready for him. Her body eager to accept him, even as he could see her mind was probably trying to talk her out of it.
And he’d hated himself at that moment. So much. He’d just lost himself in her body. With her nails leaving tracks on his back, he’d completely lost his mind. He’d taken her until the only thing he could think of was claiming her completely again. Until she’d cried out his name and he’d emptied himself into her.
She’d had every right to freak out. While he hadn’t lied about being STD-free, getting pregnant was obviously on her Do Not Do list. She was probably overwhelmed with Emily alone.
Hell, it wasn’t like he wanted a kid either, did he?
Christ. He’d fucked up, but good.
The door to his office burst open and he lifted his head, ready with another snarl of rage.
It died on his tongue when he spotted Kenzie in the doorway, eyes blazing.
“You’re not answering my calls. Sarah’s not answering my calls.” She slammed the door. “You’d better start talking, and now. What happened last night?”
Crap. His sister couldn’t help but shove her nose in everyone else’s business. Especially his and Sarah’s. Though it shouldn’t surprise him. She’d always been protective of him—more so in the last few years, and Sarah would always be her close friend.
It was only a given that Kenzie would t
ry and get in the middle of his and Sarah’s clusterfuck and try and fix things. But some things weren’t fixable.
With his irritation completely erased at Kenzie’s presence, wariness took its place.
“Look, Kenzie, I mean this in the most loving way, but stay out of my damn business. I’d rather not have to say it again.”
“Oh, Ian…I told you not to hurt her.” Disappointment flickered in his sister’s eyes as she sat on the edge of the desk.
And he had. But then she’d done a damn good job at hurting him right back, hadn’t she?
“Whatever you did wrong, can you fix it?” she asked hopefully.
“I don’t think so, kid. Not this time.”
This morning had been eerily similar to that morning eleven years ago. Only without the bit where he’d been caught cheating.
Just running that thought through his head made him a little nauseous with self-disgust. How was it he still couldn’t remember that night, and yet felt such shame?
Kenzie shook her head. “I don’t get you two. You’re clearly meant to be together—”
“No. Don’t make this all romantic, Kenzie. If there’s anything between us, it’s good old-fashioned lust. Pure and simple.”
His sister stared at him. “Why don’t you think you’re good enough for her?”
“Because I’m not.” Christ. In a moment Kenzie had cut to the heart of the matter. To confront the reality he couldn’t face.
“You are.” Her words were soft, but strong. “Why do you think you’re not? Because you’re a felon?”
He didn’t answer. Because again, she’d nailed a part of it.
“We both know that’s bullshit.”
“It’s not bullshit, it’s my reality.”
Pain flashed in Kenzie’s eyes. “If I could go back to that night—”
“I wouldn’t change a thing.”
“I would,” she said huskily. “You can’t let that label define you. You’re an amazing man.”
Not even close. An amazing arsehole, perhaps.
“Does Sarah know about…?”
“Yes.”
“Did you tell her why?”
“It doesn’t matter. Once Sarah leaves this island, she’s gone from my life again.” He didn’t bother to soften his words. “And honestly it’s better that way.”
“Oh, bullshit.” Kenzie slapped his desk and got right in his face. “Ian, you can’t bury your head in your job and spend your days fixing cars all the time. That’s no kind of life.” She jammed her finger into his chest. “And you need to stop sleeping with various bimbos in hopes they’ll erase Sarah from your mind. No one is ever going to replace her.”
Unfortunately he’d already come to that painful realization himself. Since she’d returned to the island, Sarah was all he’d thought about. All he’d ever wanted, and everything he would never have.
“You’re still a romantic, dear sister.” He stood and cupped her face, kissing the top of her forehead. “It’s what I love about you. Don’t ever change.”
“I’m a realist. Even if you’re both too blind to see the truth, someone has to.” Kenzie slid off his desk and pulled her keys from the pocket of her jeans. “I’m off to drop by Sarah’s house and make sure she’s okay.”
She wasn’t. He knew it instinctively. He recalled the way she’d ordered him to leave. The way she’d emotionally shut down on him. And after the way he’d treated her, he’d deserved it.
Heaviness settled on his heart and regret became a bitter taste on his tongue.
Later tonight he’d drop by Sarah’s and apologize. He wouldn’t try to seduce her. Wouldn’t invite himself in for a drink.
Perhaps he’d screwed up more times than he could count where Sarah was concerned, but there was one thing left he could do to make things right between them.
That was to finally let her go.
Chapter Twelve
Not again.
Sarah sighed, reluctant to open the door to the insistent knock. But she did so anyway, and faced her guest.
“I’m not really good company right now, Kenzie.”
“I gathered, seeing as you didn’t answer my call. Or my texts.” Kenzie stepped in through the doorway. “You know that’s going to make me worry, right?”
“I’m sorry. Honestly, I’m not even sure where my phone is.”
“Not a problem. I can simply help you find it.”
Kenzie wasn’t going to leave, but then she hadn’t really expected her friend to go so easily.
“Don’t you have to work at the pub or something?” Sarah closed the door and followed Kenzie into the house.
“Actually, I’m off today. Lucky for you.” Kenzie crossed to the counter in the kitchen. “Oh, look. Here’s your phone.”
Crap.
“It’s always in the most obvious place, isn’t it?” Sarah murmured with a slight shrug.
Kenzie shifted the phone from one hand to another, staring hard at Sarah.
“You look just as awful as he does.”
Sarah’s mouth fell open and she blinked in dismay. “Excuse me? I’ve showered—”
“Okay, props for not stinking. But you both look like you’ve gone through an emotional hurricane.”
Sarah’s chest tightened and she was thankful there were no more tears to cry.
“Oh, Kenzie… I know you mean well. But you’ve got to let it go.”
“What’s keeping you two from being together?”
“What’s not?” Sarah hesitated. “There’s just so much. We don’t stand a chance.”
“You guys have an amazing chemistry.”
“Yes, well so do Mentos and diet soda, but they don’t last forever. In the end you’re just left with a complete mess.”
Kenzie nodded slowly. “Is it what happened with him and Hailey back then? I’m not going to argue that he messed up, big time. I’ll give you that.”
“It’s part of it,” she agreed softly.
How could someone you loved, who claimed to love you more than anything, go and sleep with one of your best friends? How did you ever get past that?
“He was only eighteen. I know it doesn’t excuse it, but he was probably like every other teenage guy thinking with his dick.” Kenzie’s face scrunched. “And from what I understand, Hailey came on to him. Which still shocks the hell out of me. I never expected her to play such a blatant slut card.”
Ouch. She winced at the harsh words for the woman they’d once considered a close friend.
“Maybe it was the alcohol?” Sarah suggested, not sure why she was defending either of them. “But they both made the decision that night.”
“It was so long ago.” Kenzie hesitated. “If Ian means as much to you as I think he does, maybe you could try forgiveness?”
Would it ever be that easy? “Would you be able to if you were in my place?”
“I don’t know, honestly.” Kenzie hesitated, seeming to think on it. “But if I loved someone…or thought I did, I think I would truly try.”
Sarah closed her eyes. If only it were that easy. If only things weren’t such an absolute mess. Coming back to the island had been a mistake. She shouldn’t have opened a door that had been sealed shut. It risked the life she’d gone on to build without Ian.
Bringing him back into it at this point… A chill swept through her and she shook her head.
“It can’t work, Kenzie. Ian and I are too different.”
Kenzie looked as if she wanted to say something, and then bit her lip. She shook her head instead.
“Maybe you’re different, but you’re also alike in more ways than you think. You need each other.” She set Sarah’s cell phone on the counter again and walked to the living room window. “Maybe I’m the only one who can see it, but I know the man my brother is beneath the badass exterior. Even if he’s so determined to present that hard, intimidating side to the world.”
Sarah didn’t try to argue, because even though she knew Ian still had a dark side,
he also had a good side. She’d seen it. She’d fallen in love with it. But it wasn’t enough anymore. Even if she could forgive what had happened eleven years ago, she still had to think about Emily.
Ian was a felon, and apparently he still ran with the criminal sort. What kind of mom willingly exposed her child to that?
Again she thought of the man in his shop the other day, the one Ian had warned her to stay away from. Kenzie couldn’t possibly know about the type of business her brother did or she wouldn’t be so supportive of setting them up again.
But even if there wasn’t the felony, there was more. There was always more.
I sure as hell don’t want any kids. His words from this morning rang sharp in her mind again. Had been resonating all day.
She’d made the right choice in not trying to stay eleven years ago. And she was making the right choice now. This wasn’t about forgiveness; this was about common sense.
Maybe Ian was the type of guy you slept with, but you sure didn’t keep him in your life. Unfortunately her heart was really bad at keeping that line drawn in the sand.
Sarah touched her friend’s shoulder gently. “Look, this topic is kind of heavy. Why don’t we go walk into town? Get an early dinner on the dock? It’s gorgeous outside.”
Kenzie stared out the window for a bit longer, seeming lost in her own thoughts. Almost unhappy.
Finally she turned and nodded. “Yeah, sure. That sounds good.”
They left the house and made the short walk into the adorable town of Coupeville where most of the businesses were on Front Street, right along the water.
Fortunately, their conversation stayed away from Ian now, and on light and neutral topics. Like the fact that Kenzie was taking online classes to get her paralegal degree. That little fact was somewhat of a surprise to Sarah. She’d never realized her friend harbored any interest in the legal field whatsoever.
They turned onto the wharf and walked out onto the structure that was over a century old. The historical wharf with the red building at the end was a well-recognized landmark of the town. So beautiful, rustic and with a fascinating history.
She remembered the locals telling how once, before the Deception Pass Bridge had been built, there had been a steamboat service from Seattle to the Coupeville wharf that had brought people to the island.
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