by Gary Chapman
When I finished my display of emotion, she said to me in the kindest way, “I’m sorry. I should have explained it more fully to you. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with you. That was the only weekend my girlfriend had off from work and she needed my help in purchasing a birthday gift for her mother. I knew that you and I could get together another night. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’d rather be with you any night than go shopping. I hope you will forgive me.” Like a paper towel soaking up water, her speech and apology evaporated all of my hurt. And I was overcome with warm feelings of love. It was over. Our relationship was restored and I never thought of it again. In my mind, that’s what it meant to forgive.
However, after we were married forgiveness seemed much more difficult. One evening about six weeks after our wedding, Karolyn and I were engaged in a full-fledged argument. In the midst of the argument, she went to a closet, got her raincoat, slammed the front door, and walked out into the pouring rain. My first thought was, “Why doesn’t she stay and fight like a man?” But my second thought was, “Oh, no. What if she doesn’t come back?” My tears flowed freely as I wondered, “How could it have come to this so early in our marriage?” I flipped on the TV and tried to forget the ordeal, but there was no forgetting.
After what seemed like an eternity, I heard the door open and I turned to see her crying. “I’m sorry I walked out on you but I just couldn’t take it any longer. I hate arguing. When you yelled at me, I knew I had to get out or it would get worse.” I apologized to her for raising my voice but in my heart, I blamed her for the whole argument. We went to bed with our backs toward each other.
The next day after time to reflect, I apologized more fully to her and she apologized to me. We both said, “I forgive you.” But the hurt did not evaporate, and the warm feelings of love did not return. For the next few weeks, I relived the episode. I could not get out of my mind the picture of her walking into the rain nor could I remove the sound of the slamming of the door. Each time I replayed the scene, the hurt returned.
As a recent college graduate, I had never taken a course on the topic of forgiveness. Nor did I remember ever seeing a book on the topic. I simply knew that our statements of forgiveness to each other had not restored the feeling of love. Now, after more than thirty years as a marriage counselor, I have learned a great deal about forgiveness. In this chapter I want to share those insights. Let’s start at the beginning.
What Forgiveness Is—and Isn’t
Forgiveness presupposes that a wrong has been committed. Irritations do not call for forgiveness; rather, they call for negotiation. However, when one of you speaks or behaves unkindly to the other, it calls for an apology and forgiveness if the relationship is to be restored. There are minor offenses and major offenses but the process is always the same. When one of us offends the other, an emotional barrier is erected between the two of us. The passing of time will never remove the barrier. Barriers are removed by sincere apologies and genuine forgiveness. In the last chapter we talked about how to apologize sincerely. In this chapter, we are talking about what it means to forgive.
In the Jewish and Christian scriptures, there are three Hebrew words and four Greek words that are translated as forgive.
In the Jewish and Christian scriptures, there are three Hebrew words and four Greek words that are translated as forgive. They are synonyms with various shades of meaning. The most basic idea is “to pardon,” or “to take away.” When speaking of God forgiving us, the scriptures say, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has [God] removed our transgressions from us.”1 Forgiveness removes the barrier, and lifts the penalty. No longer does God demand that we pay for our wrongdoing. When we sincerely apologize and request His forgiveness, He pardons us and will never again hold that failure against us.
Forgiveness does not destroy our memory.
We are instructed to forgive each other in the same way that God forgives us. Thus, forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision. It is the decision to offer grace instead of demanding justice. Forgiveness removes the barrier and opens the possibility for the relationship to grow.
Perhaps I could better explain forgiveness by sharing four things that forgiveness does not do.
First, forgiveness does not destroy our memory. I have sometimes heard people say, “If you have not forgotten, you have not forgiven.” That statement is untrue. The human brain records every experience, good and bad, pleasant and unpleasant. Psychologists have explained the human mind as having two compartments. One is called the conscious mind, and the other, the subconscious mind. The conscious mind is composed of those things that you are conscious of in this moment. For example, I am fully aware that at the moment I am sitting in a chair. If I choose, I could share with you the sights and sounds that are around me. The subconscious mind houses past experiences that are stored in mental files.
Some data flows freely from the subconscious to the conscious mind. At a given time, we may choose to bring data from the subconscious to the conscious. For example, if you ask me “What did you eat for breakfast?” I could reach into the subconscious mind and tell you “I had Cheerios with blueberries.” Before you asked the question, I was not consciously thinking of breakfast. But at will, I could retrieve that information.
Other experiences are buried deep in the subconscious and may be difficult to retrieve even with effort. On the other hand, sometimes memories leap from the subconscious to the conscious mind without being requested. This is often true of hurtful memories. Even after you have chosen to pardon their behavior and remove the barrier, the memory of the event may leap back into your conscious mind, and with the memory comes the feeling of hurt and perhaps anger. The memory does not mean that you have not forgiven. It means simply that you are human and remembering a painful experience.
How do we handle these painful memories? My suggestion is that you take them to God and say, “Father, You know what I am remembering and You know the feelings that I have. But I thank You that all of that has been forgiven. Now help me to do something today that will enhance our relationship.” In this prayer, you are affirming the decision to forgive and you are seeking to foster growth in the future.
Second, forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of wrongdoing. For example, a mother has saved money for surgery. Her son steals it and spends it on drugs. If he sincerely apologizes, she can forgive him—but the money is still gone. A father abandons his wife and children. Twenty years later, he comes back to apologize. They can forgive him—but it does not restore the twenty lost years. The husband in anger physically abuses his wife, breaking her jaw. He may sincerely apologize and she may forgive him—but her jaw is still broken.
Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of wrong behavior.
All of our behavior has consequences. Positive behavior has positive consequences. Negative behavior has negative consequences. Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of wrong behavior.
Third, forgiveness does not rebuild trust. A husband who had been sexually unfaithful to his wife later broke off the affair and apologized to his wife. She said to me in the counseling office, “I think I have forgiven him, but I don’t trust him. That makes me wonder if I have really forgiven him.” The fact is, forgiveness does not automatically restore trust. Trust is that gut-level confidence that someone is a person of integrity. Trust in a relationship is destroyed when one partner is unfaithful. When you do not keep your commitments to me, I lose trust in you. I no longer have the confidence that you will treat me fairly and honestly. How then is trust rebuilt? By changing your behavior and by being trustworthy. Over a period of time, if I see you are doing what you say you will do and being open and aboveboard in all of our dealings, I come again to trust you.
When I am counseling a couple in which one of them has been sexually unfaithful and is now seeking to rebuild a marriage, I recommend, after a sincere apology and forgiveness, that the offending party give the spouse permission to exami
ne every area of life. That means that the checkbook, the computer, the iPhone, and all other sources of information are available for the spouse’s examination. With this action you are saying, “I have nothing to hide; I have truly changed my behavior, and I want to be worthy of your trust again.” With this attitude of openness and a consistent pattern of honesty, trust can be restored. Thus, forgiveness does not automatically restore trust, but forgiveness does open the door to the possibility that trust can be regained.
Fourth, forgiveness does not always result in reconciliation. The word reconciliation means “to bring back to harmony.” Reconciliation requires working through differences, finding new ways of doing things, solving the conflicts of the past, and learning how to work together as a team. How long does it take to be reconciled? That depends largely on how long the two of you have been “out of harmony.” For some, it may only take hours; for others, it may take months. For some, it will require the help of a professional counselor because the two of them do not have the skills to rebuild their relationship. What I am saying is that forgiveness does not automatically bring harmony in the relationship. However, it does open the possibility of reconciliation.
I began this chapter by saying that forgiveness is the only healthy response to an apology. If we choose not to forgive, then the barrier remains and the relationship is estranged. Time alone will not heal the relationship. Healing requires the decision to forgive. And forgiveness opens the door to the possibility of growth.
What if the person who has offended you does not apologize?
I want to conclude this chapter by asking one other question. What if the person who has offended you does not apologize? The most positive approach you can take is to lovingly confront them with their offense and hope that they will apologize and you can forgive. If your first attempt fails, I suggest you make a second and third attempt. An apology says, “I value this relationship, and I want to deal with this problem.” The refusal to apologize says, “I do not value this relationship, and it’s okay with me if we continue to be estranged.” We cannot force an apology but we can extend the olive branch and express our willingness to forgive. If, in the final analysis, they are unwilling to restore the relationship, you may then release them to God and release your hurt and anger to Him. Don’t allow their unwillingness to deal with the problem destroy your life. It takes two people to build a positive, healthy relationship.
Had I known what I’ve shared with you in this chapter before I got married, I would have been a much better forgiver. I would have understood and processed my emotions in a healthier manner. I would have understood that forgiveness does not remove all the hurt nor does it automatically restore loving feelings. But forgiveness is the first step in processing hurt and restoring love. There are no healthy marriages without sincere apologies and genuine forgiveness. If you learn how to apologize and forgive, you will have in place two of the major elements for building a successful marriage.
Talking It Over
Is there someone you need to lovingly confront? What keeps you from doing so?
Is there someone you have not yet forgiven? What keeps you from doing so?
What barriers stand between you and someone you love? What will you do to remove the barriers?
When someone apologizes to you, how easy is it for you to forgive? Why?
7
I Wish I Had Known …
That TOILETS are not
SELF-CLEANING
In the home in which I grew up, the toilet was never dirty. It never crossed my mind that someone was cleaning it. To this day, I don’t know whether it was my mother or my father. I never saw anyone cleaning the toilet. Two weeks after Karolyn and I got married, I enrolled in graduate school and we lived in student housing. It was a small apartment but it was clean and nice. About three weeks later, I noticed that the toilet had dark stains. (By this time I knew that toilets had to be cleaned. After all, I was in graduate school.) I mentioned it to Karolyn and she said, “I know. I was wondering when you were going to clean it.” “Clean it?!” I said. “I thought you were going to clean it. I don’t know how to clean a toilet.” “Well then, let me teach you,” she said. “Can’t we get something that will automatically clean it when it flushes?” I asked. “Those things don’t work,” she answered. “They’re a waste of money.”
Before marriage, I never considered the idea that I would someday be a toilet cleaner. Actually, I became so good at it that the second semester, I got a part-time job with a professional toilet cleaning company. And I went from business to business, cleaning toilets. After I got professional training, cleaning our little toilet in our little apartment was a breeze.
Confusion over roles is one of the most stressful aspects of contemporary marriages.
Let me ask you a personal question. If and when you get married, who do you think will clean the toilet in your apartment or house? I have discovered in premarital counseling that most men think the wife will clean it, while most women think their husband will clean it. Without premarital counseling, most couples never even think about who will clean the toilet and three weeks after the wedding, they too discover that toilets are not self-cleaning.
Who Does What?
I raise this issue not because I am overly concerned about who will clean the toilet. However, I am greatly concerned that you will enter marriage never having discussed who is going to do what after you get married. It is what the sociologists call “marital roles.” Confusion over roles is one of the most stressful aspects of contemporary marriages. In earlier generations where the husband was the provider and the wife the homemaker, there was little confusion about who would do what. However, in today’s world, where most young wives have their own careers, they expect their husbands to be majorly involved in household duties. If the two of you do not discuss and agree upon who will do what, you will find this to be a major source of conflict in the early months of marriage.
There are several factors that come into play when you discuss marital roles. First, the two of you grew up with different models. One young wife said, “My father always vacuumed the floors every Saturday morning before he washed the car. Now, my husband expects me to vacuum the floors, and he wants me to run the car through the automatic car wash. I can’t believe I married such a lazy man.” Her husband said, “My mother vacuumed the floors. It never crossed my mind that my wife would ever expect me to do that. And as for the car, it’s a matter of efficiency. Why should I spend two hours washing the car every Saturday when I can run it through a car wash in three minutes for $3? In my family, we never washed a car. Every three months, we would pay $12 and get a thorough washing. I don’t know why this is such a big deal to her.”
It was a big deal for her because, in her mind, he was not being a responsible husband. Her expectations made no sense to him because in the family in which he grew up, he had a different model. One of the learning exercises that I have done in premarital counseling is to have the woman make a list of all the things her father did around the house and all the responsibilities that her mother accepted. I asked the young man to do the same. Once the lists are made, we examine them to see where their parental models are similar and different. Then I challenge the couple to have a lengthy discussion on how they expect their own marriage to be similar and different from their parental models. To ignore or to deny the influence of parental models on your own expectations is a sign of immaturity. The mature couple will openly and honestly share their own expectations and, where they have differences of opinion, will negotiate an agreement about marital roles before they get married.
Where Do These Ideas Come From?
A second influence upon your perception of marital roles is your own philosophy about maleness and femaleness. Your philosophy answers the question, “What does a man do and what does a woman do in a marriage relationship?” Your answer to this question has been greatly influenced by your educational experience. For example, if she attended a university w
here she was exposed to strong feminist professors, then she will likely have very strong opinions about what women do and don’t do in a marriage relationship. On the other hand, if she attended a conservative religious university, she will likely have very different ideas as to the role of a woman in marriage. His education and religious beliefs will also greatly influence his philosophy of the role of the man and the woman in a marriage. To ignore these strongly held philosophies or to think that your love will override their influence is foolish. If you cannot negotiate these differences before marriage, they will greatly inhibit your ability to develop marital unity.
If he feels embarrassed to let his friends know that he washes dishes and she feels that washing dishes is a sign of masculinity, then washing dishes will become an emotional stress on their relationship. If she feels strongly that a wife should not do all the cooking and he, on the other hand, has no expertise in cooking, they need to negotiate an agreement before marriage. Either she changes her opinion or he enrolls in a culinary course at the local community college. Your philosophy of maleness and femaleness greatly influences your expectations of marital roles.
What Are Each of You Good At?
This brings me to the third factor that will influence your opinion on who should do what, and that is the reality that both of you have different skills. When it comes to food preparation, one of you may be skilled at shopping for the best deals while the other may simply buy whatever is necessary to prepare the meal. One of you may be skilled at baking while the other is skilled at grilling. One knows how to dust furniture and the other can’t see dust. One of you may know how to trim shrubbery and landscape the yard and the other may not have a clue. One is a computer whiz and the other simply knows how to send emails.