by stan graham
Pamela slipped and fell at the beginning of November and went into hospital, she has only just come back home. It seems that the hospital wanted to send her home weeks ago but she liked it there so much that she wanted to stay. You might think I am uncharitable but at least she had free heating and free food, unlike the rest of us. She had even started talking about forming a hospital tarot group and giving regular advice to patients and nurses about their conditions. It appears that that had set the cat among the pigeons and the doctors had ganged up to put her out.
Anyway that was what Pamela said. But Julia told me on the quiet that Pamela had foretold the death of one patient in the cards and nearly scared the poor woman to death.
Put the gas fire on for an hour to warm the place up. Slip a blanket over my shoulders and heat a hot water bottle. I shall have to dig out that horrible pink shawl that Jane sent me, if I wear it indoors nobody will know.
I do so wish that god would take me.
I've served my time. Ever since Arthur left me things haven't gone well. Do you know I almost forgot Arthur’s birthday at the beginning of the month? Sagittarius the Archer believes in fairness and justice. Expansive, well Arthur certainly put a few pounds on in later years but when he was young he was very sporty. Anyway I had a quiet drink on my own and thought about him and how much I missed him. It nearly made me cry, silly old woman.
I certainly was not overweight. Solid maybe but a man needs a bit of gravitas as he gets older. I wish she wouldn’t go on about me abandoning her and wanting to die. If she only realised what it is really like being dead she wouldn’t be so keen. Jane and Peter could have spent a bit more time with her. Still she will see them a Christmas that should cheer her up.
The Electric and Gas bills have arrived this morning, both together. I must be more frugal. It’s frightening how they mount up.
I'm actually missing Smythe; he used to keep me on my toes. It turns out that he discovered that he had an uncle living in Scotland and had moved up there to live with him. I heard that he left behind a host of debts that could not be sent on to him, as nobody would admit to knowing his new address.
Its five days to Christmas. They are having a party in the Common Room for those who haven't got anybody to spend Christmas with, poor sad people.
I'm going to spend mine at Peter's. He's coming down to pick me up on Christmas Eve. I'll be seeing Jacob and Kristin I've bought them all presents. A book token for Peter. A Boots voucher for Jane, ditto for Peter's wife Laura. Book tokens for their two, Kristin and Jacob. I am also taking two bottles of my Elderberry wine. I bottled it up two weeks ago and have got ten bottles altogether so I can easily spare two. I have cleaned the place from top to bottom, won't want to be doing it when I get back, if I do come back. They might ask me to stay. I’m all excited.
Two days to Christmas. Apparently there is a family crisis. I'm not too clear about it but Peter was in tears when he called to say that Christmas is cancelled.
“Don’t be silly boy, you can’t cancel Christmas.”
"Laura has left me mum. The kids and I are devastated, well actually that’s not quite true, Kristin seems to think that she is right. No I didn't have any idea. She said she was fed up with Christmas, that nobody appreciated her and that she needed her own space."
"There was none of that nonsense in my day. You should tell her to buckle down and get on with things."
"I can't mum, she's gone off and Kristin is saying that that I have taken her for granted for years. Kristin is still in touch with her but she won't tell me where she's gone or when she's coming back. That’s if she ever does. I keep trying to call her but she won’t answer her mobile."
"I'll get the next train up and come and look after you until it all gets sorted out."
"No mum, don't do that whatever you do. If you come up here I might never see her again."
"But."
"No mother, I’ve spoken to Jane and she agrees with me. Part of the trouble is you coming up. Laura thinks you take advantage of her and run her down all the time. I am sorry but you mustn't come. You will be aright won't you?"
"Yes don't worry about me. After all being a mother is for life not just for Christmas. I know Laura and I have had a rocky relationship at times, but if I ever said anything to upset her it was with the best of intentions.
I will be able to go to the Christmas party here now if it's not to late to get my name down. They are having Harry Saunders playing some old time music on the piano and we shall all have a good singsong. Mr Pope has even organised a talent contest. I shall look forward to it. I was regretting missing it. All my friends will be there. Julia was asking only the other day if they would be seeing me and I could tell they were disappointed when I told them I was needed elsewhere."
“That’s a relief Mum, I’m sorry if we put you out but you will probably be happier down there with people your own age than up here feeling left out of it.”
I certainly shall not be telling anyone that I am staying at home. I'll get myself a chicken dinner from Marks and Spencer’s and spend Christmas on my own. I don't need that lot taking pity on me. I shall pop down to the shops before they close as I don’t want to go tomorrow in case someone spots me and starts asking why I haven’t gone away.
It’s Christmas day but I have to keep quiet in case the neighbours hear. Luckily I have got some chicken thighs out of the fridge and had a nice dinner with some potato’s, Brussels, Arthur always called them Boy Scouts, and a glass of sherry.
At 3pm I listened to the Queen. Poor dear she has such a lot to put up with but does she complain?
No, even when Phillip says something inappropriate, the silly man, she just smiles and gets on with her job. She is an example to us all. I drank a toast to her with my Elderberry wine, Peter and Jane certainly are not getting any of it now. My, I’m feeling a little squiffy after that. It must be stronger than I thought.
She never could take her alcohol. I remember one Christmas she had a couple of glasses of my Elderberry wine, well I let her make it but it’s to my recipe, and she was waltzing round the house singing while she served up Christmas dinner and made herself sick. She tried to blame it on the chicken but I know what I know.
I am certainly glad that I did not go to the community centre. Julia came knocking on the door several times during the holiday. It was almost as if she knew I was home. After a few days I decided that I could pretend that I had just got home, so I answered her knock.
“Hallo Julia, you just caught me I only got back last night.”
“Oh, I thought you had got back earlier as Joan said that she thought she had heard noises coming from your flat. The te4levision or something. I told her she couldn’t have but she was so sure. It was such a pity that you had missed all the excitement. Did you have a good time at your son’s house? I can’t wait to hear all about it.”
“Yes we had a marvellous time. They all liked the presents I bought them and gave me some nice ones in return. Peter and his wife had both insisted that I stay for another week but I prefer to be home.”
“Yes there’s no place like it is there.”
“So how was the party?”
“A total fiasco. Everybody got drunk. Dave Tontine disgraced himself by reciting vulgar poems. Anne fainted when he told a limerick about a young lady from Hitchen. Really I’ve never heard such language.”
“Oh I know that one, my Arthur told me it.”
“Really! Well I never have and I don’t care if I never hear it again. Young ladies scratching themselves. Disgusting. Anyway you probably realise that Jack Pope has been keeping a low profile since his court appearance but he came with his fancy woman.
She is ever such a nice woman, not a bit like one would expect. She said that she knew you when you were an assistant at her shop but that she had to let you go because you were unreliable.”
“Oh I know her aright, I had to leave because she was giving the place a bad name with her tarty ways.”
&nbs
p; “That’s not what she said, well anyway Pippa Chiefly turned up uninvited from the nursing home where she now lives and nobody minded until she got drunk and tried to perform a striptease. The ambulance was called when old Harry Atkins had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. He’s ninety three years old you know. Anyway they kept him in overnight but he came home the next morning grumbling and complaining about how everyone spoilt his fun so he must be all right. Pippa had to be helped down from the table that she was performing on. Dave phoned the nursing home and asked them to collect her.
Apparently they had thought she was still in her room. Never realised that she had gone out. The man who came to collect her was furious, complained that she had spoilt things for the other residents. Never mind that she spoilt it for us what with the ambulance and suchlike. He said she would be grounded in future. Well Dave started getting annoyed about this and told him that if Pippa suffered any trouble at all he would ground him with his fist. Really men!”
“Have you decided on your New Year resolutions?”
“No I don’t need to as I don’t believe in waiting for the New Year before I do any. Why are you?”
“No I haven’t yet like you I can’t see the need to.”
I saw the New Year in on my own. Stayed up until midnight and saw the new year in with a glass of sherry while watching the celebrations on the television.
Nothing new there. Arthur was always one for going to bed early. Said he couldn’t see the point of celebrating a Scottish holiday.
Julia asked me if I was going to the Centre but I told her I wasn’t observing foreign celebrations, I am after all an Englishwoman always have been and always will be I told her. She stalked off in a fit of pique. I could hear the noise and laughter from the community centre. I suppose they were behaving disgracefully again. Then just after midnight they all got in a long line and wound round the gardens singing Auld Lang Syne at the top of their voices. Then they seemed to collapse in a giggling heap.
I only noticed because I happened to be sitting by the window appreciating the full moon. I am surprised they didn’t all catch there death of cold because there was a touch of frost. I had to wear a blanket around my shoulders.
I still haven’t heard from Peter or Jane. Don’t know what is happening with Laura. One can only surmise that she is going through the change, it affects some people that way more than others. She seemed so settled with the children and Peter has been ever so good to her letting her go to night school so that she could learn things. Never saw the point of it myself. I told him that nothing good would come of it and that she would get ideas above her station. They never listen, children do they? Never learn. Well as they say ‘As you sow so shall you reap.’
He has made his bed and now he must lie on it. I don’t know what the world is coming to. Alone at Christmas and now at the New Year. It shouldn’t happen to a dog. I get so angry at times. They say that depression is just repressed anger, well I have a lot to get angry about.
I have only had two Christmas cards this year and they were from Peter and Jane. When Arthur was alive we used to get loads. The mantelpiece would be full of them, but over the years they have just dwindled. People dying off I suppose, and of course they don’t know my new address, that must be it.
I would have expected some from my friends here and at the church but no nothing from anybody. I have taken them down and put them away. I never put up any decorations anyway because I wasn’t expecting to be here for Christmas.
Of course they have totally overdone the decorations at the centre. The place is a fire hazard if you ask me. Paper chains everywhere. They have somehow obtained a life size Father Christmas who keeps going ‘Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas..’ You can here it from here it’s so loud. The first time it was quite unusual but after about an hour with that Dave Tontine walking backwards and forwards past it I thought I would scream.
Luckily it broke down before Christmas or I swear murder would have been done.
I saw Jack Pope walk by pointing his index finger at the thing, went pow and then blow the tip as if he was blowing the smoke away from the end of a gun barrel. Make of that what you will. But the next day all was quiet.
I wonder …… No he wouldn’t, he’s too nice a person.
***********
Chapter 11. JANUARY.
Well I hope they are truly satisfied with all their rowdiness I never slept a wink last night. Hollering and shouting to all hours.
I have been thinking about what New Year resolutions I should make and after a great deal of thought I have come up with some. I had asked Jane what she was doing as I thought it might give me some ideas but as usual she was no help at all.
“Only you can decide what you need to do Mum. I’m going to cut down on my drinking and be more tolerant of people,” she said.
Well I ask you how can that help me. I barely drink and you couldn’t find a more tolerant person than myself. Don’t I give a nod every week to the Big Issue seller even if he is only a vagrant and didn’t I put up with all that racket last night. No my resolutions need to be more purposeful than that.
Anyway in the dark hours I came up with three, they are only provisional you understand, after all if one lives a good life then there is no need to make special resolutions just once a year. Here they are.
1..Sort out my finances. I have been pestered by the bank manager to visit and I received a letter from the bank manager asking me to go in and see him. It seems he has reservations about how I am handling my account. I shall go and visit him this afternoon.
2.Find myself new accommodation. I never liked it here and think I can probably find somewhere better quite easily. I shall start to make positive steps.
3.Haven’t decided yet but will keep this as a backup if one of my other two fail. Not that I expect them too. I am very good at sticking to things once my mind is made up.
I have written them down here so that I can go back to them from time to time and make sure I am on course.
I have just got back from my visit to the bank. I have never been so humiliated in my life. There is no money in my account. I am still suffering from shock. It seems that the pension that I thought Arthur was to get has not been paid, so all I was getting was my widow’s pension. He suggested that I contacted the Citizens Advice Bureau and ask them to help sort my financial affairs.
I told him that I had received several letters from the pension company but had not understood them so I had just put them into a drawer until I felt like dealing with them.
He told me off for doing this and said that these things had to be dealt with at once and that I should take everything that I had received with me. I was in tears.
So much for my resolution of fiscal stability.
Upon leaving I came straight home and got all my letters and papers and took them to the CAB; that’s what we call the Citizens Advice Bureau. There I met a really nice man called Brian who listened to my story then read through all my letters and papers. The upshot is that the pension that Arthur had earned no longer exists.
Apparently as his widow I was allowed either a portion of the pension or I could turn it into a lump sum. It seems that I had turned it into a lump sum and now that money was nearly all gone. I don’t really understand but he said it was all legal and above board and that I should throw myself on the mercy of the Pensions and Social Services. He said that it also appeared that my rent was in arrears and suggested that I contact the council and get help from them.
“I don’t want to live on charity,” I said.
“Mrs Bond I don’t think you have much choice in the matter. You are destitute. Besides it is not charity. You are entitled to this help.”
He sat there and helped me to fill in several forms, it must have taken us at least an hour. I felt naked exposing how silly I had been.
“You should have contacted us months ago but its not too late for us to help you as best we can. I have phoned the Social Services and they will be
sending a lady to see you tomorrow and she will go through everything and explain what you are entitled to and help you to get it.
The lady from Social Services called. Her name is Helen. She was really nice and helped to explain what I could claim. I told her that her name mean Star and she was ever so impressed. So young but she had everything at her fingertips. She checked the forms that I had filled in with the help of the man at the CAB and said that I would hear within a few days. She seemed quite sure that I would qualify for any number of benefits. She asked me if I paid for my prescriptions and I told her that I did, so she said that as a pensioner I did not need to pay. Why didn’t somebody tell me this before? Helen suggested that I contact one of the charities for old people but I told her I would feel to embarrassed to do that. I feel terrible doing this as it is. It feels like charity but what can I do. Jane should have told me all this.
Final Demand bills have arrived for the Gas and Electricity. I can’t imagine what I am going to do. The bank has cancelled my direct debits and I now have to pay the bills myself £152.39p for electricity and £94.81p for gas. I am using the gas central heating less than I would normally in this weather. Where am I going to get that sort of money?