“Why baby, why?”
I felt lightheaded and nauseas. My head swam in confusion and every piece of my body ached. I didn’t want to walk, I didn’t want to leave his side. He was my everything and I couldn’t imagine life without him.
But he was gone and I knew that. And as the frigid air blew chills through my bones, I held my dead husband close and drowned my face in tears.
“MJ,” Cynthia called after some time had passed. “We need to go.”
“Go where? We don’t need to go anywhere” I snapped at her.
“Your son MJ. He could still be alive”
I gasped. I felt my heart thump through my chest hard enough to break my ribcage. As much as I didn’t want to, I pulled my arms from around Toby and forced myself to stand. I’d already lost him, I couldn’t bear losing Grayson too.
I stepped away from him and clenched my teeth so hard I thought they were going to crack. “Do…do you know where to start?” I asked in a quivering voice.
Cynthia pointed to a place up ahead. The ground rose about twenty feet then leveled off and disappeared into a swarm of trees. Somewhere up there my son was alone and probably terrified. I knew I had to get to him.
“Be careful,” Cynthia warned. “The ground isn’t very firm.”
Sniffling, I nodded and followed her up the incline. Once we reached the top we followed a trail through broken branches and splintered tree trunks. With every demolished bit of land my heart sank a little more.
Way ahead of me, past a snaking road of discolored snow, was a faint cloud of smoke. I marched toward it, ignoring the pain in my knees and the burning in my chest. Cynthia called out as she fell behind, but I couldn’t’ slow down, I had to find Grayson.
The closer I got the harder my heart punched. Pieces of the demolished plane became more recognizable and I could smell the burning jet fuel in the air. In the distance, I could see the tangled fuselage smashed between two massive trees.
“No, no, no!” I screeched.
Gritting through the pain, I took off running. I crashed through the splintered trees as branches whipped me across the face and slashed my arms like whips.
“Grayson!” I shouted. “Grayson are you in there?”
The right wing was completely torn off. The outer skin over the side that tore away flapped in the wind like sheets on a clothesline.
I slowed up as I approached and swallowed hard. There were dead bodies everywhere and pieces of the plane were still smoldering.
Shaking, I walked around the plane and looked inside of the cabin. The seats were torn from the floor and mangled all about. The metal bad been warped with the impact and twisted together like braids of hair. Wires and broken framing dangled from the ceiling, intertwined with vines and pieces of trees.
The rest of the team was dead. I didn’t see one sign of life and I fought against the panic that was building down in the pit of my stomach. Gritting my teeth, I started into the torn opening.
“MJ!” Cynthia shouted to me.
She was just making her way through the scattered debris at the tail of the plane. She had a bag in her hand that she’d grabbed from the forest floor and every huff she took blew a stream of mist into the air.
“I’ve gotta know,” I replayed.
“I can help.”
She joined me and crawled into the cabin behind me. A smell hit me as soon as I stood up and I turned and vomited all over the floor. It wasn’t the smell of death that made me sick, but the idea that it could be Grayson.
Inside it was dark and the fire had melted the snow, making the floor mushy and wet. I narrowed my eyes trying to see when a light burned behind me, blazing down the aisle.
“I had one in my bag,” Cynthia said as she aimed the flashlight.
I nodded and moved toward the back where Grayson had been sitting. I passed body after body, but there were empty seats that I knew had been occupied. That gave me hope, but the empty faces of my friends and coworkers burned a hole that wouldn’t stop growing.
“Do you see…can you find his seat?” Cynthia asked.
I was staring at the missing section where Toby and I had been sitting. I nodded to the opposite side and hurried toward it.
“Grayson! Grayson!” I screamed as we got closer.
Snatching the light, I shined it over the rows of seats with baited breath. I looked under them and between them and behind them, in places no human could even fit. But they were all empty and in exhaustion I dropped to the ground.
“God please,” I prayed and swallowed gulps of air like I’d just been pulled from the bottom of the ocean.
My heart quivered and I rolled my fingers into fists as I fought against my own doubt. I didn’t know how much more I could take. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Toby and every time I opened them I wanted to see Grayson. They couldn’t both be gone, they just couldn’t be.
“Maybe, maybe some of the survivors went looking like we did,” Cynthia whispered.
Her voice echoed in my head like a whisper sent down an empty well. I felt hollow inside, I felt like I was falling down a dark hole, scaping my fingers against the jagged rocks. I felt helpless.
“MJ,” Cynthia called again.
“How long was I unconscious?” I raised my head and asked.
“I’m not sure. It was all a blur really. I thought Tim and I were the only survivors. We probably spent half an hour looking before we found you. I…I haven’t seen anyone else.”
Sniffling, I Wiped my face and stood up. “Let’s check the cockpit.”
“What about the command room?”
I looked toward the end of the plane at the door that closed off the command station from the rest. I doubted anyone could’ve been alive in there. The roof had caved in and the door bowed outward, but Cynthia was right, we needed to know.
“We’ll check there then the cockpit,” I replied.
It took us ten minutes to pry the doors open. Time that may have well been wasted, but I needed to be sure Grayson wasn’t on the plane before I left. With a final heave, we pulled the door apart enough to squeeze inside.
I went first and had Cynthia pass me the light once I could stand up. It was just like I thought. No one had survived inside.
“You can stay out there. You don’t wanna see this,” I yelled back.
“I’ll be fine, I’m a doctor.”
“Like I said…you don’t wanna see this. But suit yourself.”
I moved forward with the flashlight cutting a beam through the darkness. It would’ve been better if I’d looked without the light.
The DOD had a fifteen-member team staffed in the command station. Not one of them survived. I just hoped they’d died quickly.
“Oh God!” Cynthia gagged as she stood up and started to look around.
The impact of the crash had jarred loose monitors and equipment from nearly every panel. Some of the staff had been bludgeoned right where they sat. Others, were victims of the broken glass and jagged metal that littered the room like flack.
I turned and headed back to the opening. “Let’s go,” I told her. “This place is a cemetery.”
I made my way back into the main part of the cabin. Rubbing my face, I shook my head and tried to clear my mind. I needed to focus and find my son.
I reached out and helped Cynthia to her feet. With a groan, she brushed off her pants and doubled over. She was trying, but she was a frail woman and not made for this.
“Are you okay?” she asked me as she straightened up.
“Not really…who would be?”
“I mean…you’re bleeding.”
“What?”
Cynthia grabbed my shirt and I looked down. There was a darkening wet spot of blood that I hadn’t noticed. I rubbed my hand across it then lifted it up.
My side had a long scrape running across it. It wasn’t bad, but blood was slowly seeping out, staining my clothes.
I lowered my shirt and frowned. “I’ll be okay.”
“
Hello,” a faint voice suddenly called from the front of the plane.
I wheeled around and stormed toward the cockpit. I couldn’t move fast enough and my heart was trying to tear through my throat.
“Hello!” I shouted back. “Grayson!”
Bursting through the cockpit door, I swung my head back and forth. Jack was still strapped in his seat, his face bashed into the control panels in front of him. Abraham however, was groaning as he struggled to free his leg from in between the crumbled metal. He had scratches on his face and dried blood running down the side of his head, but he was alive.
“Abe,” I said and placed my hand on his shoulder. “Where is everyone?”
He looked up at me with tears in his eyes and shook his head from side to side. “I…I don’t know.”
“It’s okay Abe,” Cynthia mumbled.
“Is anyone else alive? I tried…I tried to keep it together,” he groaned in a somber tone.
Sniffling, I grabbed his hand. “I know you did your best Abe. Nobody blames you, it was a crappy deal all the way around. Now, let’s see if we can get you out of here.”
His foot was stuck in between the control panel and the cracked floorboard. It didn’t look like he was injured, but his boot was jammed and he couldn’t free it from his seat.
“One sec,” I said and stomped on the side of the panel.
“Shit MJ!” he hollered in pain.
“Sorry…I’ll try something else. Cynthia, help me lift this.”
I grabbed the sides of the panel and let out an animalistic grunt. Cynthia did the same, but no matter how hard we pulled, it didn’t budge.
“Stop! Just stop it,” Abraham shouted. “This ain’t working.”
“Hello?” someone called from outside. “Somebody alive in there?”
“Craig?” I yelled back. “Is that you?”
No one answered, so I called again. I shared a confused glance with Cynthia then leaned my head out of the cockpit. I could hear someone rustling around outside then footsteps in the cabin.
“Mom!” a very familiar voice screamed.
CHAPTER 20
VAINLY CRAVE THE LIGHT
It felt so good to hold Grayson. I feared if I let him go he might vanish, like he was a dream or a thin wisp of smoke that might slip through my fingers. And losing him meant more than he would ever understand. He was as much me as he was his father, and now that Toby was gone, Grayson was all I had left to remember him by.
“I love you. I love you so much,” I told him over and over.
We were standing outside of the plane in the cold. The wind had picked up, whispering winters frigid touch, but I could’ve stood out there forever. Just standing in the same place, regretting yesterday and fearing tomorrow.
Craig and two other soldiers, Henry and Chris, were inside, freeing Abe’s leg. The entire panel had to be taken apart piece by piece. Cynthia said he might lose the foot, but there was a silver lining, if his foot hadn’t been crushed he would’ve shared Jack’s fate.
“I was so scared I’d lost you,” I told Grayson as I kissed his forehead.
He squeezed me tighter and closed his eyes. Cynthia walked out of the plane and took a seat on the ground next to us. She had her medical kit with her and started rummaging through the contents. I glanced over at her, thinking how lucky we were to have her with us.
“Mom,” Grayson said and lifted his face. “Mom, where’s dad?”
There was a stab in my heart and I swallowed what felt like a cement brick. The world had come tumbling down on top of me and I wasn’t prepared. I couldn’t even deal with Toby’s death, much less explain it to my son.
I looked back at him and took a deep breath. Cynthia grabbed her bag and stumbled back into the plane.
“I’ll let you two talk,” she mumbled on her way.
“Um, your dad,” I started.
Grayson gazed at me with his big brown eyes and I started to implode. My hands shook and my heart beat so hard that I could barely breathe. I wanted to lie to him, but I knew that was a dead end. I also knew the truth would tear Grayson apart.
Toby and Grayson were more friends than father and son. He loved him and wanted to be just like him. They had a bond, a connection that I could never understand, but I was happy it existed.
“Mom,” Grayson said with a bit more urgency in his voice. “Where is dad?”
I could hear the panic building. I could hear the terror in his words that he already knew the truth. It was a rhetorical question and he just needed confirmation, but I didn’t want to give it to him.
“Grayson,” I paused and took another breath. “Your father…he, he didn’t…”
“No mom!” Grayson suddenly shouted. “Don’t say it!”
He shoved me away and glared at me like I was a stranger. I reached out to him, but he slapped my hand and took a step away.
“Grayson,” I cried. “Please.”
“He’s not gone. He’s not gone!” he roared.
“I’m so sorry baby.”
“No!”
Grayson collapsed to the ground in a heap of tears. I rushed to his side and cradled him in my arms, but I knew there was nothing I could do.
“I’m so, so sorry. He loved you so much,” I whispered in his ear.
I pulled his face into my arms and started to cry with him. It was all I could do, all I could feel was the same pain that was tearing his heart apart from the inside. We were together in that, but I’d never felt so far away from him.
Grayson cried and cried and cursed the world. He shook with despair and bellowed like a lone wolf. I held him tighter and matched his tears with my own. There were no words, no prayers that could comfort him. Sometimes, sometimes pain just needed to be felt.
I sat on the ground with him for a while, for a long while. It felt like hours and I didn’t move until I heard someone coming from the plane. It was Cynthia and Craig followed by Abraham.
“Are you okay?” Cynthia asked. “I mean, is there something I can do.”
Sniffling, I wiped my face and sighed. “He just…it’s just gonna take time.”
“I um, I had my men…I had them clean the cabin out,” Craig said then paused and looked away.
“It’s going to get dark soon,” Cynthia added. “We should probably go inside.”
“We can’t!” I said a little louder than I meant.
“Why not?”
“We’re not that far from the Mayflower site. We’ve taken too much time already, but we have to get there. If we don’t, we’re all going to…we’re all going to die.”
Craig looked up to the sky then groaned. “The sun’s going down. We can’t navigate this until day break.”
I wanted to argue, but I knew he was right. Besides that, Grayson was in no shape to go marching through the woods.
Craig and Abraham turned and walked back into the cabin. Cynthia stayed for a while and just watched us. It wasn’t invasive or anything, more like she wanted to make sure we were okay. I appreciated her being there.
After nearly an hour of crying, Grayson started to fall asleep. I nudged him and helped him to his feet.
“Come on let’s go inside,” I told him.
We started to walk toward the plane, but as we neared the door he suddenly tensed up and dug his feet into the ground.
“What’s wrong Grayson?”
“I’m not going in there!” he snapped.
I knew why he felt the way he felt, but the temperature was dropping. We needed to be inside and I needed him to understand that.
Grayson pushed back against me as he started to breathe like he’d run a marathon. His hands were clenched at his side and his face was drenched in anger.
“Grayson, it’s gonna be too cold out here. We need to stay inside.”
“No! You don’t understand. I’m not going back in there. I’m never going back in there. I’d rather die. I want to die, if I died at least I’d be with dad!”
My jaw dropped. I took a few st
eps back and really looked at him. There was an anger there that I didn’t think I’d ever be able to quail. I’d let him down for the last time.
“You don’t mean that,” I said lowly. “You’re just angry Grayson…I am too.”
“You’re not angry!” he snapped at me. “You didn’t care. You didn’t love him, you loved your job. This is all your fault!”
“Grayson!”
“No…I heard him the other day. I heard the both of you. You knew all about this and you lied to him. You could’ve done something. We could’ve left sooner. If we had we wouldn’t have been on this stupid plane. Dad would still be alive. I hate you!” Grayson shouted at the top of his lungs then stormed off.
I started after him, but Cynthia grabbed my arm.
“I’ll get him,” she said.
I nodded and watched her run off after Grayson. I stood there for a few minutes then dropped my head and screamed.
My world was falling apart. Everything I’d ever loved, everything I’d ever worked for was crumbing to pieces.
“You okay?” Craig asked as he stepped outside.
I looked away from him and wiped my face. “Yeah…I’m fine.”
“We can set a tent up out here. There’s sleeping bags and stuff inside.”
I took a few steps away and covered my face as I started to cry. “I, don’t know. I just don’t know.”
I took a deep breath of the cold, winter air and my lungs burned. My hands were trembling and the tears on my face felt like ice cubes running down my cheeks.
“Whatever you need MJ,” Craig said then turned and headed back inside.
He came back out a few minutes later and started to set up a green tarp near the front of the plane. Composing myself, I walked over and helped him then grabbed the sleeping bags and thermal blankets from inside.
“Thanks,” I mumbled.
A branch snapped in the distance and I spun around. Cynthia was walking back with Grayson in her arms. His face was red and smeared with tears and dirt. As he passed me he looked away then vanished in the tent.
I stared at the tent. I wanted to go inside and hug him, but I knew he needed space and time to deal with how he felt. So instead I walked off and stood by myself.
Flight Plan: Deconstruction Book Three (A Post-Apocalyptic Thriller) Page 14