Chapter 33
Ross directs us to a strip mall not too far from the high school. Just like most places these days, it sits vacant and abandoned. This place though screams its discernment like a banner of helplessness.
Store windows are covered in thick layers of dirt. The grime shields whatever items the stores may hide within. The parking lot holds random forsaken cars, forming yet another frozen moment of time.
Ruined newspapers and other forms of litter from spilled containers left unchecked lay spread throughout the area by winds. I almost expect to see a tumbleweed roll by with the lack of life surrounding us. Instead, a shopping cart rolls by when a strong gust of winter wind sends its wheels screeching with anger over the movement.
As we watch it roll across the lot, the comedy is not lost on us. Small sounds of our mirth slip from us when it rolls into a parked car. I can’t imagine anything is left to be found in this place, much less a whole list of needs to be fulfilled.
Perhaps Ross is having those same concerns. His nervousness has grown with each roaring motorcycle pulling in beside my truck. Motorcycles bare of a redheaded thorn in my side. Did the sun just peek out or did the sudden lift of my mood just make it seem so?
The men don’t seem as surprised as I am over our location. They almost seem to be amused at what is surrounding us as if it is exactly what they expected to see. Only Marxx looks as annoyed as I feel by what we are seeing. Chapel’s eyes go dark and it worries me I may be the only one not catching on to what is happening.
“Well this looks like a big pile of nada,” Aimes says to me, more than to Ross reassuring me I am not the only one.
Ross has lost his ability to form words. He just head nods like a dashboard bobble toy with too loose of a spring. His smile is still with us though. Lucky us.
J.D. opens my door, holding out his hand for me to take. He is staring into the empty shopping center as he waits for me. His inability to look at me bares his weakness in this moment. I know he is covering his fear of my refusal for his help with the act of scouting the area ahead of us and I am tempted to slide past him. I am tempted until I see the many faces watching us, waiting to see my reaction. J.D. is attempting to cross the many spider webs of cracks he has escalated between us with this simple gesture. The option to allow him is now up to me, making me the heroine or the villain. Well-played J.D. I lift my arm and reach for him, hoping what is left of our foundation still has the strength to support us both.
“Well, Smiley,” J.D. says, still holding on to my hand, more tightly than necessary as I stand beside him, “what’s the plan here?”
“The items should be in the stores. I’ll stay here with the girls and help keep an eye out. I’m not feeling all that exploratory after the last excursion,” Ross says. He seems almost ill with his nerves.
Something Ross has said makes all the men look toward him. Their faces slide to their blank looks and I now know he is hiding something. Something the men have already figured out. Something I should have figured out, but I haven’t yet.
J.D. drops my hand, reaching past me into the truck. Grasping a firm hold of Ross, he pulls the man from the truck with such force Ross stumbles as he violently spills forth into the parking lot. Ross falls into the waiting arms of Marxx. He may have kept Ross from falling, but Marxx does not allow the action to be friendly as Ross is spun around to face J.D.
The men crowd around Ross with their blank faces and stances of male posturing. Ross has seen this before and panic settles over him, making his smile return. I feel myself heading towards their cluster without being aware of the decision. I may not be a fan of Ross, with his toothpaste-commercial-worthy-smile, but I cannot stand by and watch them terrorize such an easy target. Dolph or Simon, yes, maybe even Richard. I would even grab some snacks to watch their show, but not Ross. I hear Aimes falling in step behind me with the same determination, my little, constant Chihuahua.
Rhett smiles at us as we head towards them. He slides through their circle, coming to block us from their game of “Toss the Ross.” He stands in front of us, using his body to keep us from going and seeing around him. He stands playfully here with his “look at how harmless I am” smile, but he is ready to stop us if we force him. I have seen them go from this laid-back state to full brawl without a second to spare and something inside me just can’t let it happen.
“Move, Rhett.” I try to match my voice to his stance.
His smirk tells me I have failed as he says, “Nope.” He and I both know I am not a threat to him no matter how many emotions I put into my voice. “They are just having a friendly chat. Nothing will happen to him.”
“Nothing will happen to him as long as he does what?” Aimes asks him, letting him know we are both well versed in their games.
Rhett graces us with a true smile as she catches him off guard. “Nothing, Sweetheart. Truly.”
“Then move.” She places her palms against his chest and pushes him to further to prove the lies of his words.
“Nope,” Rhett says, without even a sway from her shove.
We both sigh at him and over the lack of options really left to us. Thumb wrestle?
“If they are just talking and nothing is going to happen to him, then why not? Why won’t you let us go over there?” Aimes gestures around him.
I am pretty sure though he knows where “there” is without the help she provides pointing behind him. Then again, maybe not.
“Because quite frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Rhett’s smile is in full bloom. He has fully recovered from being knocked off guard by her first comment and he is ready to play again.
“You totally did not just “Gone With the Wind” me!” Aimes shouts at him with shock and annoyance over his barb.
Rhett and I laugh together at her outrage. I can’t help but wonder how long Rhett has been holding on to that little gem. Sometimes life gives us these perfect moments for our one-liners. Life has finally granted Rhett his moment and he is completely enjoying it.
Lawless walks from behind Rhett, patting him on the shoulder and releasing us from being watched. Rhett did his job well because we still have no idea what their anger is over. Marxx is leading Ross into the strip mall with blatant shoves. Every time Ross tries to turn around and protest, the rest of the men file in behind them with laughing jests about his bravery.
Lawless falls back from the group. He is waiting for us to catch up to him, signaling it is now his turn to watch us. Did I mention how the day just keeps getting better and better?
Aimes and I catch up to Lawless with our minds racing over what is going on. Rhett has taken a too invested interest in us today with his flirting smiles. J.D. is actually trying to mend our many shattered fences. Now Lawless, to whom we have been invisible, walks with us through the area. He is wordless and on edge, but he is here. My tongue is pressing tight against my teeth to keep the many words I want to say from flowing out. With how silent Aimes is, I imagine she is chewing hers clean off. I know it’s only a matter of time before she gets her stick out. This time, it won’t be J.D. she sets her sights on.
Lawless stays with Aimes and I as the men go into the stores to begin gathering the items on the list. He keeps his back to us, using himself as a shield for any threats which may occur. He must be seeing some small detail of this place differently than I am. Unless dust and litter are going to combine forces to take us out, I think we are rather safe. Nonetheless, here we three stands in silent formation. Unfortunately for one of us, Aimes has reached her breaking point. Her glances and the faces she is making speak of her frustrations. I can only shrug with her, unsure of anything more to do about Ross’ predicament or ours. The swooning over Lawless has passed for both of us. It should sadden me, but it doesn’t. I feel nothing in this moment as I stare at his back. A part of me knows it is a lie. I have a room shoved full of feelings for this man. I have just shut the door, keeping them locked safely away. A heart can only take so many scars before the soul turns i
ts back.
He is doing his best to appear he is not aware of us, but Aimes has found a new game to prove just how very aware he is actually. She will slide her foot to the far side of him, making his head come down to see behind him without having to fully turn to look at us. She can make a noise directly behind him and his shoulders will pull back as his head tilts just enough to take notice of her. When we are walking, she walks away from me to leave a larger space between us than normal. He will automatically adjust his pace to fall into the gap to keep us both in his sight, and as she pulls in, he will readjust his pace to allow her back beside me. She is proving he will not ignore her, and she doesn’t have to use words to make him aware of her. Like the men’s silent game of stares, she is playing a version of the game just as well as they have over the years. For me, it’s just incredibly amusing to watch.
Standing outside the fourth store, Lawless finally grows tired of her game.
“Really?” he asks her, when she is on her third round of “guess which side of you I made the noise” game.
“Really, what?” I can hear her sharpening her stick. I wish I had popcorn.
“Give it a rest,” he snaps at her. His voice holds none of the warmth from our playful days.
“Or you’ll what? Go tell Daddy I am being naughty?” Her voice is dripping with her sarcastic charm. “Gee Lawless, will you spank me, or just go back to pretending we aren’t alive while you sneak off with Leslie?”
She has found the pointy end of her wooden dagger and his head tilts back and forth stretching his neck with the jab.
“It wasn’t like that.” His voice is flat and fighting to stay neutral while he keeps his back to us.
“Not like what?” Aimes asks him. Her tone hints she already knows his answer.
He says nothing while staring off into the distance. His eyes roll between the details of the shops before us, busy with his thoughts and not what he is seeing.
“Go on Law,” Aimes presses, “tell us what it wasn’t like?”
I’m not sure where their conversation is going, but the beat of my heart hastens just the same.
“Noooo, of course not. You’re just “friends”?” Aimes asks him, daring him to speak.
“We aren’t friends,” Lawless says bitterly.
“You and her, or you and us?” Aimes asks, as she tilts her head with her cheerful smile beaming at him.
Lawless rolls his eyes to her direction and the heat in those amber pools would singe lesser people. Aimes just smiles wider.
“Come on Lawly, “she whispers to him, “sniff for me.”
She has pushed his final button. His body slowly turns dangerously toward her. My mind is racing with how I’m going to come between them and to whose side I am going to stand. Aimes isn’t finished yet, nor is she frightened of the man before her.
“No, you’re not “just friends” are you Laws? Which explains exactly how she knows about the nice lower tattoo of yours she was giggling over this morning. It explains why Shelia saw her in your bed and why I caught the two of you creeping around last night,” Aimes says. She braces herself against the wall behind her dramatically, tilting her head back and starts to mockingly shout, “Ohhh Law. Ooohh Law. Don’t stop! Don’t stop!”
Lawless flinches as if she has hit him. His anger melts from his posture as shock fills the void left behind.
“Best friends forever now or just until the sheets grow cold?” she asks him so bitterly I can taste her acid.
Aimes has dragged every truth from him forward. I am now face-to-face with the lies I have been telling myself. Lawless stares at me as the shock of it starts to climb into my throat.
My amusement fades as I feel my heart drop. My breath catches as I wait for his answer with our eyes locked. The door from behind which I have tried to keep my emotions for him vibrates my heart. It skips beats with its thundering force.
I held him and Leslie in just speculation up to this point. It might have been there, but without confirmation, I have been able to ignore them. Now as his head tilts back to stare up into the blue sky with her words, my heart breaks with every moment of his silence that passes between us. He can’t look at me and I can’t be near him.
I turn from them. One step at a time, I leave them behind me where my heart lays, still fighting to beat. He calls for me, shouting my name, but I will not stand there and let him see the damage he has done to me. I will not allow him to see the last piece of me break.
He will not see the last fragment of a world I have been trying to convince myself is still there fall away from me. I stood up to
J.D. to keep us all together and all this time he has been throwing us away behind my back. It’s not his cheating which is shredding me. It’s the blind betrayal.
Even Aimes’ voice calling my name does not turn me around. She knew the pain the truth would hold for me. She was there every moment I fought against it. She knows how the sight of them together strips me. She knows my silent denial is all which has kept my hope whole. Lost in her own bitterness, and the need to wound Lawless, she has wounded me. Something I never thought would happen between us. I hear her shouts of apologies and it does nothing to soothe the ache.
“Helena,” Lawless is catching up to me, calling my name to stop me.
I refuse to slow for him. I am fighting to rebuild the walls they have demolished. He grabs for my arm to turn to him, but I pull free with the strength of my anguish. I know his strength well and the fact I was able to so easily escape his hold proves how worried he is to face my reaction.
“It’s not what you think,” he says to my back. His voice is pleading for me to listen to him.
“It doesn’t matter anymore. None of it matters.” It’s not to him I am giving an answer. I am telling it to myself because what is the point to keep fighting for someone who is no longer fighting for you?
I pull open the door to the store nearest to me, feeling too exposed to feel this weak in the open area. I hold the hope the narrow store will help me collect myself. I did, until I hear him behind me again.
“Talk to me. Please,” his voice is fragile with his pleading. “Leave me alone,” I tell him, refusing to give in to my pain.
“You know I won’t.” I feel his fingertips gently touch my hair, carefully coaxing me to turn to him.
“You already did,” I answer him, with the full poison I have been storing for him in pretty mental bottles. I feel his touch fade with my words, and he gives me my desire.
The door shuts and the hinges seem to be connected to my knees. I sink down with the closed door under the weight of my pain. Alone, finally, I can allow my grief to escape. It pours forth from every locked door I have kept shut. I relive every moment he and I have spent together through the years; from our laughter to our pain, our first touch, our first kiss, and our whispered shared dreams.
I feel his arms around me from when I was scared and alone. I know his scent from when he would shelter me from the world. The songs he used to sing me to sleep with now haunt me with their melodies. The loss of my Angels devastated my soul. Losing my lighthouse is devouring it.
I am broken all the way down as I kneel here on my knees. My tears leaving wet marks on the dirt-covered floor better than any blood I could spill for him. I know he will be my last failure as I feel my soul retreating into the safety of the darkness. I can’t fight to keep what doesn’t want to be collected. As I tell myself this, I know it wasn’t to them I was throwing the life preserver to that day. It was to me and now I am throwing it away.
Chapter 34
They are all waiting for me when I leave the store. Their faces show different levels of concerns and I know Aimes has filled everyone in on what has happened. Lawless and Aimes sit together on the ledge of a store window watching my exit. Their faces mirror the others with their sorrow, and I cannot help to bitterly think how wonderful it is for my pain to bring them together like this with my salt-filled ocean of bitterness. Aimes stands as I exit the s
tore, heading towards me with her face covered in her dried tears and fear over the words she let fall like acidic rain. I turn my back to her, turning to face the man we have all turned to at some point in time to lead us when we are in our darkest hour. No one understands the internal darkness better than J.D. “What’s left?” I ask him. My voice is rock bottom with emotional weight. I am wasting no energy to fill it with anything less than nothing.
“Just one store left.” J.D. stands, placing his arm around me, leading us away from the group and their peering eyes.
He does not leave me stranded as my fire is going out. I have come full circle from needing him, to hating him, to needing him again. He doesn’t gloat or acknowledge it as the rest of the group weakly falls in behind us. I have come home to him in my hour of need just like he always knew I would. I am the daughter he never had and all I want right now is my daddy’s arms to hide me. The last store is worse than the rest. Its windows are covered in a thick film from being exposed to the elements for so long. No care has been put into this place as trash is piled so high in front of the door J.D. has to kick it away to clear a path for us. He holds the door open as we enter until Lawless walks toward him.
J.D. walks in front of Lawless and Aimes, blocking their en- trance as he lets the door close behind him. I don’t want to smile at the act, but I do. The look Chapel gives me for my smile tells me I should be filled with shame, but I am not. J.D. pats my arm as he walks by, further demonstrating his support for me and my smile widens.
“Nice vest,” I whisper to Chapel, letting him feel the irony with his judgment of me.
“Should be in the back,” Ross’ voice fills the store, distracting Chapel and me. “I’ll just wait here with Helena.”
Yes, because my day has been so wonderful so far. I completely want to finish what is left of the morning alone with Colgate here. I let J.D. see my opinion of his offer with my face. He chuckles, turning to Ross with a wide smile.
Dawning (The Risen Series Book 1) Page 24