Confessions of a Demon

by S. L. Wright

  I hadn’t done anything to try to stop him. I was complicit in Vex’s death.

  Ram turned, his expression filled with anguish. “I wish that hadn’t been necessary.”

  He buried his head in his hands, swaying where he sat as if his ears were ringing. He had just absorbed a prodigious amount of energy. Even through his powerful shields, his signature was leaking out. It felt as if I were standing in a wind tunnel.

  He stood up, dragging Vex’s empty clothing off him. Bits of dust and dirt that had been clinging to Vex’s body sifted down—ashes to ashes.…

  Ram was glowing; a pearly luminescence from Vex’s core emanated from him. But there was something more: He was pulsing.

  Pulsing like Shock right before she gave birth.

  No way… “Are you going to split in two?” I blurted out.

  He turned around, with a faint look of surprise, but he was too far gone to reply. Keeping my distance, I watched as he struggled to shake out Vex’s old clothes and pull them on. He shifted his guise to mimic Vex’s persona of Tim Anderson. His sloppy brown hair fell into his eyes, obscuring his vision, and his limbs grew thin and rangy.

  He staggered as he got his legs through the baggy jeans, wincing in disgust at the state of the clothing. But he could hardly leave without clothes on. Frankly, I was surprised the guards hadn’t arrived already. I wondered who Ram had impersonated—buck naked—in order to get inside Vex’s loft without raising the alarm.

  Ram had to stop and grab hold of his stomach, much the same way Shock had done, as if trying to hold himself together. I could feel the cracks in his shields spreading wider, and could feel his deep reserves and the raging torrent that Vex’s energy had created inside of him, as if a horse were about to burst out of him at any second.

  I owed him nothing. In fact, I hated him for trying to kill Shock, for the lies he had told me.

  But I couldn’t let Ram fission in front of the church employees.

  So as he moved toward the door, I went with him. I wasn’t afraid; I doubted he was capable of attacking anyone at the moment. He had never tried to kill me, though he’d had plenty of opportunities.

  Maybe I’d been too useful, like a Trojan horse, letting him get close to his victims.

  He grabbed the skateboard leaning next to the front door, while I took one last look back. I knew what had happened here would rock the demon world to its foundations. For good or ill, Vex was dead.

  I didn’t say a word to him. And he didn’t seem capable of speaking through his clenched jaw. I wanted to sympathize with his pain. But he wasn’t Theo.

  When we reached the door to the vestibule of the private elevator, Ram lifted his face to the camera. But he was struggling too hard to hold his guise and it didn’t recognize him as Tim Anderson. Swearing and nearly overwhelmed, he ducked away, trying to pull himself together.

  I took a chance and lifted my face. The door swung open, indicating that Vex hadn’t rescinded my free pass throughout the complex.

  I couldn’t feel Dread in the room beyond with the cage. The door didn’t have a handle on the outside, so there was no way for me to get in to check on him. After watching Ram absorb Vex, I was sure I had done the right thing. Only a demon could kill that easily.

  I summoned the tiny elevator, as Ram slumped against the wall. He was shaking as if he were suffering from heroin withdrawal, banging the skateboard into his legs. He kept wiping the sweat from his forehead and neck, but he was perspiring so badly that his hair was dripping. It was so undemonlike, I still had a hard time believing he wasn’t human. I remembered how flushed and moistened I’d been after sex with him, after I had absorbed his energy without even knowing it.

  When the elevator came, I punched the basement level, hoping to avoid the guards at the front desk. I hoped my guess was correct and there were no cameras, because I failed completely at acting nonchalant. I jittered around, avoiding Ram, who could hardly stand up himself.

  When we reached the bottom and the elevator dinged open, I was braced to face Montagna and her goons, like last time—or Goad and his horde. Ram held the skateboard ready to use as a weapon. I was prepared to break whatever I had to in order to escape this time.

  But there was nothing but cinderblock walls and the dull roar of a distant furnace burning trash.

  Ram weaved his way toward the glowing red sign of an exit door. I ran ahead and pushed it open with the crossbar, but from the interior of the stairwell it was locked. On the floor above were two doors at right angles to one another. The one directly ahead was a wide, steel double door with an arm at the top that shut it automatically.

  The way out. I ran up and gave a sigh of relief when it opened onto the street. The heavy clouds made it dark; maybe the sun had already set, as well. There were a few people hurrying by in the rain, hunched under umbrellas and hoods. The bridge loomed in the growing darkness at the end of the street.

  It took Ram more time to climb the steps, but I remembered how I had helped him up to my apartment when he was stalking Shock and how good his hard stomach and heavy arm around my shoulders had felt. Now I didn’t want to touch him. I made him climb up alone.

  When he reached the top, he was pulsing even faster. “I can… hardly see, Allay. I have to get to cover now.”

  A guy ran past, his jacket over his head to ward off the rain. There were more running footsteps and exclamations of distress as pedestrians had to leap the growing puddle at the corner of the curb.

  As much as I wanted to let Ram fission right on the church’s doorstep, I couldn’t let my own feelings get in the way. I couldn’t risk Ram outing demons to humanity this way.

  I needed to find someplace private before he made a spectacle of himself. It seemed that I was going to be a demon midwife once again.

  A few blocks down to the edge of the river, I found a long stretch of chain-link fence against the massive stone base of the bridge. The waterfront street ran underneath, along the holding pen for delivery cube trucks. Since the bridge was split into two roadways, rain sluiced down in the middle, as well as on either side.

  Ram reverted to his Theo guise. Hunched over his stomach, he was slogging through the water-filled gutters, holding on as hard as he could. Flashes of pulsing, pearly white light shot out of him. I was sure people could see it, but everyone was rushing to get through the driving rain, their heads mercifully down.

  When we reached the fence under the roadway, I glanced around to check that nobody was nearby. Then I pulled on the gate, straining until the metal bent outward. There was enough of a gap that I could squeeze through. Ram went down on his knees and crawled in after me.

  He didn’t get far from the gate, weaving his way over to lean against a panel truck. We were both soaked to the skin from our dash down to the river, and the sound of pouring rain and wet tires rushing by on the bridge overhead drowned out everything else.

  Now that Ram didn’t have to hold himself together, I could see the ripples of pain spreading through him. Every muscle in his body clenched. He turned and pressed his forehead into the truck, trying to hide the glow in his face and hands. Vex’s clothes damped the light, keeping him from shining like a radioactive man.

  “I hate this.” Ram panted, his teeth clenched in agony. “It’s the last thing I wanted. But taking them both… it was too much.”

  I stayed back, remembering the burst of energy that Shock had released. I wondered if he was thinking about her, that greedy girl and all of her offspring. “Maybe you’re too quick to condemn demons whose only crime is being fertile. Demons like Shock.”

  His anguished blue-gray eyes were so familiar, Theo’s eyes. But he wasn’t Theo.

  His back arched, and suddenly his shields fell. His signature thrummed out, like a deep-throated motorcycle rushing down the highway. Any demons within a few blocks would be able to feel his signature amplified by the fissioning.

  “Maybe you should lie down—,” I started to suggest.

  He clenched hi
s eyes shut against the brightness, stiffening against the side of the truck. Spasming, he let out a strangled cry as his insides tore their way out. Unlike Shock, he fought it every step of the way.

  When the new demon ripped away from him, Ram was thrown back against the truck by the shock wave of expended energy. It rattled the chain- link fence, which I clung to so as not to lose my footing.

  A fully-formed doppelganger staggered away from Ram.

  Ram slid down, bracing himself against the truck. The new demon slipped and fell down in the mud, flailing a bit as it fought to get up. He looked vaguely like Theo, but his features quickly shifted, seemingly out of control. He was expending energy uselessly.

  I eased back through the gate onto the sidewalk, feeling safer with a fence between us. Ram was sitting up but was clearly dazed by the birth.

  It took a few moments for me to realize the new demon had the same signature as Ram; a racing, headlong sensation. It was odd, to say the least, to feel the same signature coming from two demons. But the new demon’s power was only a fraction of Ram’s.

  Ram’s shields snapped back up defensively. It left me in an echoing silence, with only the faint Ram- like signature coming from the new demon. It was a relief not to feel such a blast of sensation.

  Ram looked amazed. “You feel like me.”

  At that moment, the demon’s signature shifted and wavered, becoming something else. I felt as if I were floating in a featureless void, with no reference point to ground me. The demon was Mystify, born of Vex’s utter surprise at Ram’s existence and his own abrupt death.

  “How did you do that?” I asked him through the fence. “You imitated Ram’s signature.”

  Mystify shook his head. “I don’t know.” His signature was fluctuating again, briefly becoming Ram’s. Then it was suddenly mine—a light, buoyant sensation. I knew it was my own because of the way it fit inside me, as if something that was usually a comfortable white noise in the background were suddenly echoing off a cliff. It was disorienting.

  Then his signature returned to his own. I doubted Mystify was doing it on purpose; it was too chaotic, as if he were having trouble retaining a persona. He was a demon chameleon, assuming whoever’s signature was nearby.

  Ram got to his feet, smeared with mud from the ground. He was shaking off the worst of the effects. His shields were so tight that none of his demon energy leaked through. It felt as if I were standing under the bridge with only one other demon—Mystify.

  Mystify took a threatening step toward Ram, his hands up as if wanting to feed off his energy. He took a stance that looked fairly competent, probably drawing on Ram’s memory traces.

  “Don’t even think about it,” Ram ordered. “I’ve reabsorbed every offspring I’ve birthed since I killed Bedlam. That was the only way to keep from revealing my existence. You’d be dead, too, right now but for one thing.”

  He was serious. I was hanging on every word, as was Mystify.

  “My cover’s blown,” Ram said flatly. “Allay knows. And once one person knows, everyone knows. So I don’t have to kill you.”

  “You’ve killed all of your offspring?” I asked in disbelief.

  “There have only been a few. The last one was four hundred years ago, in Tuscany.” He looked thoughtfully at Mystify. “But you’re more fortunate than that.”

  “You’ve killed enough people today,” I agreed, on the edge of hysterical laughter. I addressed Mystify. “Stay away from him, and you might survive.”

  Mystify hesitated, then took a step backward. He looked down at himself, naked and dirty from where he had fallen down on the ground. Then he glanced at the street.

  “Here.” Ram pulled off the long-sleeved, buttoned-down shirt that Vex had worn over a loose tank top. “Don’t even ask about the pants.”

  Mystify snatched the shirt from Ram’s hand and shrugged it on, buttoning it with clumsy fingers. The tails in front and back fell to the middle of his thighs, and as I watched, Mystify’s persona shifted toward the decidedly feminine. I wasn’t sure if it was to pull off the shirt as the lone garment, or if Mystify was going to prefer female personas.

  With a long look at me—I wasn’t sure why—Mystify ducked out of the gate and slipped past me, heading south along the waterfront.

  Ram slowly slid back down to sit next to the truck. “There’s so much I want to explain to you, Allay. I wish I could make you understand why it’s necessary for me to kill. You don’t know how terrible it could be if I didn’t do this.”

  “So you think you’re some kind of god?” I couldn’t wrap my mind around living for four thousand years.

  “No, not me. Never me. But Merge was worshiped as a god. Mithra’s cult endured for thousands of years, through many different cultures. He thought we should cooperate with humans, and it transformed everything. But my own offspring destroyed that dream. Bedlam—” He grimaced and broke off. “Go away, Allay. I don’t want you here if any demons come to investigate.”

  I took a step away, then halted. I cursed my human sensibilities. “Won’t you go into a stupor now? Your shields will drop. You’ll be defenseless.”

  “I can fight it off long enough to get underground, where it’s safe. But it’s too risky for you to come with me.”

  Apparently he had everything under control—as usual.

  I took one step away, then another. Ram was watching me through slit eyes. His fingers gestured as if to urge me to go faster.

  I walked away, turning the corner out of sight. It was so ordinary, even though it felt as if I were crawling out of the mouth of hell. Could everyone see it on me? They should be pointing at me and warning small children to keep away.

  I picked up speed as I headed up the street, bending my head against the rain. What if Zeal was coming this way now with Goad and his horde to investigate that strange, booming signature? Now that I was so close to escape, I couldn’t bear it if a shout rose behind me and Montagna’s guards gave chase, dragging me back to that iron cage.

  I found myself running down the street as if fleeing the scene of a crime. Despite the slippery, wet sidewalk, I sprinted to the on-ramp to the bridge, where I finally had to stop to catch my breath.

  Where can I go? I had no money, and I couldn’t go home. This was it; I was on the run—for whatever amount of time I had left.

  That brought clarity to my thoughts. If I couldn’t kill Dread, I couldn’t kill anyone. So that meant I had two weeks to live. The only thing I had to worry about now was protecting the people I cared about—and that meant protecting Shock.

  I loved Shock; there was no doubt about it. She was my only companion, the only person I trusted who could also trust me. That was reason enough for me to do anything I could to save her.

  But I had to be honest with myself at the end of my life. Shock was the only person who knew me, really knew me. If I died and Shock died, there would be nothing left of my life—nothing but Lolita’s memory of me, and that was only a small part of who I really was. It would be as if I never existed.

  It felt like my entire life would be defined by whether Shock lived or died. It was irrational, but it was the only thing I had left. Shock had to survive.

  To make sure of that, first I needed to get out of Brooklyn.

  I was drenched beyond wet as I walked across the Williamsburg Bridge. There was no roof over the suspended red cage that enclosed the pedestrian walkway. Despite the rain, a few other people were walking or biking across. Some had umbrellas, and a few unprepared souls like me hurried across miserably.

  I was thankful for the darkening twilight, warily eyeing the Prophet’s Center as I passed by high up on the bridge. The multipaned windows stared back at me blankly. There was no telling if anyone inside was watching.

  Had Zeal found Dread? Or Montagna? My heart leaped as I wondered whether Dread’s accomplice had a key. If she touched him, she could become a possessed human like me—or rather, worse than me. Now there was a comforting thought—a demon term
inator waiting to happen.

  I should have killed Dread for that reason alone. Regret stung at me. I only hoped Zeal found him first. She might steal his essence for herself.

  Wasn’t it just as bad to wish someone dead and not lift a hand to save him, rather than kill him outright? Or is it only hypocrisy?

  I wondered if anyone would be looking for Vex tonight. Would Goad continue with the strike force against Glory with Vex missing? Everything could already be set in motion, as they prepared to launch their attack.

  There could be more deaths in store tonight.

  It took me more than twenty minutes to cross the river, loping along as fast as I could on the wet surface. The end of the bridge let me off on Delancey Street, only a few blocks away from the Den. But the bar was off-limits now.

  I went to the subway entrance on Essex and stood at the top of the grimy concrete steps leading underground. Trying to get out of the rain under the metal shutter of a discount shoe store, I held out my hand and asked plaintively, “Could you help me get a ride home? My purse was stolen, and I live uptown.”

  I repeated my lies several times as people passed by without looking at me. But my genuine desperation helped, along with my soaking wet dress clinging to my body, which must have had an impact. Two women gave me change, and another guy donated a dollar bill. I almost had the price of a fare when another man offered, “Come on. I’ll let you in with my metrocard.”

  Gratefully, I followed him downstairs into the station. He swiped his card to let me through the turnstile first, and I thanked him without getting too close. I kept straining to sense if he was a demon. Now that I knew it was possible for a demon to conceal his signature, I would never feel safe again.

  I caught the first F train heading north and got off at Fourteenth Street, where the L line crossed. In the middle of the long platform, a pay phone was bolted to a steel I-beam. If this call went bad and my location was traced, I wanted maximum confusion about my destination; from this station I could literally get anywhere in the city with only one transfer.