by Wendy Louise
She is staring out the window in to the courtyard, focused on something outside. Her brows are drawn and the creases on her face look more pronounced. I hate to see her looking like this.
“Hey Nanny.”
She turns her head and gives me a tight smile, certainly not her usual greeting. She’s wringing her hands nervously in her lap.
After placing a light kiss on her cheek, I take the seat opposite her and lean forward to take one of her hands.
“Nanny what is it? Talk to me.”
“Ethan sweetheart there is so much that I want to tell you, that I need to tell you. I am so sorry that I’ve kept this to myself for so long but I was legally bound to. After what I’ve been through I know I can’t leave this world without telling you everything that you need to know. I need you to listen carefully to what I need to say. Okay?”
I nod warily, nervous about what is about to be revealed.
“You have brought me so much joy. You are the light of my life.” She says with a smile.
“I’ve held on to this information because I was asked to do so by your mother. I signed legally binding documents when you were born to ensure that I didn’t divulge this to anyone. I’m doing this now because I love you and you deserve the truth.” Nanny takes a deep breath, readying herself to continue.
I sit back in the chair and take a deep breath to ready myself for whatever is coming.
“I met your mother when she was filming The Eternal Bargain, it was twelve months or so before you were born. She co-starred in that film with Grant…”
“…Martin.” I finish. “Yes I know that Nanny.”
Grant Martin has had a long career as a film actor in Hollywood, but he’s moved more to the theatre in recent years.
“What you don’t know is that Grant and your mother had a very passionate affair during filming. I think your mother fell madly in love with him, but Grant was married and wouldn’t leave his wife at the time, so the affair couldn’t possibly go anywhere. Grant cared deeply for your mother but he didn’t want to create a scandal at the time by divorcing his wife. Things were a little different in those days. Your mother found out that she was pregnant just as filming was about to wrap. She was terrified, sweetheart. Scared to tell Grant and scared of what she was going to do. Her career was everything to her.”
“Still is,” I mutter under my breath. Nanny gives me a small smile and continues.
“Grant was over the moon when your mother eventually told him about the pregnancy. He said he would help her through all of it and take responsibility for the baby. Of course this meant that he had to come clean to his wife about what he had done, and of course that was the end of his marriage. He managed to keep most of it out of the papers, and they thankfully only reported about the demise of his marriage and not the reason behind it.”
My heart is beating furiously and despite my determination to know the truth, my voice comes out as a breathless whisper. “So are you telling me that Grant Martin is my father?”
“Please sweetheart, let me continue and then we can talk about it. I know this is a lot for you to take in but you need to know.”
I nod and shut my mouth waiting for Nanny to continue.
“Your mother and Grant tried to pick up their relationship once his wife had left but they were too different; or maybe too alike. As you can imagine, they both had huge egos, they were both big stars, they were stubborn and always arguing. It wasn’t a healthy relationship for either of them, especially for Elizabeth given the state she was in. She became difficult once she hit the twenty week mark of the pregnancy. She stopped talking to Grant, stopped taking his calls altogether, and all but disappeared from the spotlight. Grant tried desperately to get hold of her and eventually he went to her house and beat on the door until she agreed to see him. He found out that day that your mother was expecting twins.”
I feel the blood drain from my face, while at the same time the air leaves my lungs in one loud breath. I stand abruptly, running my hands through my hair and start to pace in Nanny’s small room.
“Ethan, please sit down.”
“I’m sorry Nanny but I’m having a hard time here. I think you’re telling me that Grant is my father and that I have a sibling out there… unless, Oh God, did the other baby die?”
She reaches her hand back to me. “Come sit back down and allow me to finish.” It’s the same tone she used to use on me when I was younger and misbehaving. I don’t like hearing it on her now.
I stay near the window, peering outside and crossing my arms defensively across my chest. I can’t look at Nanny right now, there are too many thoughts going through my head. “Please just keep going Nanny.”
“You need to understand that your mother was so scared about what a pregnancy outside marriage would do to her career. She was Hollywood’s golden girl. She hid out at the house throughout so no one could photograph her. She allowed Grant to come and go once she told him about the fact that she was expecting twins, but she was difficult.”
Nanny takes a sip of water from the glass that sits beside her before continuing. “She talked about adoption, thinking two babies would be too much for her to handle. After speaking with Grant, her Manager and her Agent, she decided that one baby was all she was willing and able to raise. A selfish decision I know, but it was hers. She thought she could play it out well with the media and sure enough she did.”
That’s the understatement of the year but I keep that to myself. This is hard enough as it is.
“Grant was devastated. He begged and pleaded with her to keep both babies together. He offered to take both and let her see them whenever she wanted to but she had already made up her mind. After much discussion and pleading on Grant’s behalf they decided that Elizabeth would raise one baby and Grant would raise the other.”
Tears sting the back of my eyes. I take a deep cleansing breath. I will not cry. I won’t let my mother’s selfish actions continue to hurt me. I run my hand roughly down my face trying to erase the ache that is taking over my body.
I turn to Nanny and see love, hurt, betrayal and pain in her wearied features. I know this has been difficult for her to keep from me. I know she is having a hard time telling me all of this, but right now all I feel is numb.
“I’m nearly there,” she says in a soft voice. She has always been able to see when I’m close to breaking down, and I know she can sense it now; she is treading carefully with me.
I run my hands back through my hair in frustration. I take another deep breath and lower myself back in to the chair, keeping my gaze on Nanny.
She takes a sip of the tea that also sits beside her and places the cup back on to the saucer with shaky hands. The china clatters together as they make contact, betraying her.
“They decided that they would each raise a baby, totally independent of the other. No contact, no responsibility for the baby that each was leaving behind. Legal documents were drawn up stipulating the details. The few medical staff that were involved with the delivery all had to sign non-disclosure agreements so that the birth of twins would not be leaked to the world press. They were all also paid handsomely for their discretion. Grant’s name was not included on the Birth Certificates and Elizabeth did not allow him to be present at the birth so no one could link the fact that the babies were his.”
“Babies?” I ask.
“Yes, Babies. Your mother had non-identical twins, a boy and a girl. Sweetheart you have a sister.”
My body feels like it is slumping in to the chair with the weight of everything that Nanny has just told me. I cannot fucking believe that I’ve never been told any of this, but at the same time, a small thrill goes through me at the fact that I have a family, a father and a sister. It has always just been my mother and I and she was never maternal. Family has always been something that I craved. Now it could be a reality for me.
“Nanny, how did you come to know all of this? Why did my mother confide in you?” I can’t understand how Nann
y fits in to this entangled mess.
“Your mother didn’t confide in me darling, your father did. Grant Martin is my son Ethan, and you my darling are my grandson.”
The continual rush of blood that is pounding through my body now congregates to my head, resulting in a splitting headache. This is all too much for me to take in at once. I can feel my blood pressure rising as I process everything that Nanny is telling me.
She is staring at me with scared eyes, worried that this latest revelation has pushed me over the edge, and I think it just may have.
I find my voice but again it comes out as a quiet stutter, “So... so you’re my grandmother, my real grandmother?”
Nanny nods. “Ethan sweetheart, I have always cared for you, I love you with all my heart. All these years I knew what we were to each other but I couldn’t tell you. I shouldn’t be telling you now. This can get me in to a lot of trouble. I’ve broken every promise I made to your mother and my son, you have to swear to me that you will keep this to yourself.”
“How can I do that Nanny? I want to meet my father; I want to meet my sister.”
Nanny’s brow creases and she starts to wring her hands nervously again. “All in good time. You need to process what I’ve told you, keep it confidential and together we can decide how best to move forward. You can’t tell anyone, do you understand, no one, not Ava, not Grayson, definitely not your mother, no one.”
I feel like stamping my fists and feet and having a full blown tantrum like I did when I was younger. How can Nanny expect me to keep it to myself? This is life changing information. I feel like the tornado of emotions I’m experiencing is going to burst out of my body and manifest itself as a scream.
I want to scream and punch and yell.
I want Ava.
“So let me get this clear. Grant Martin is my father and you are my grandmother?”
“Yes sweetheart.” Nanny looks nervous again, like she knows what my next question is going to be.
“So Grant is raising my sister?” I ask. Nanny nods and I continue, “…she’s my twin sister?”
Nanny nods again. “Non-identical sweetheart, but your twin sister all the same.”
“Do you see her Nanny?”
“Only in passing, she has no idea who I am to her. Even though you aren’t identical darling, I see your mannerisms in her too. In other ways you are both very different,” she states.
My hands start to shake knowing that I’m so close to knowing more about my family. Something that I’ve always dreamed of but never ever thought could be my reality.
“When your parents decided on the split custody arrangement my son came to me. He was devastated that he wouldn’t be a part of one of his children’s lives. He begged me to talk to Elizabeth. I called her and we met. Your mother was young and scared and I felt for her too. I may not have agreed with her decision but I didn’t want her to be alone. We had a big discussion and I offered my help with raising you. Not only was this going to assist Elizabeth, who had a number of movies lined up to film following your birth, but it also ensured that your father had a direct line to you.”
I can’t believe that this is my life.
It feels surreal.
Like I’m on set, filming a scene in a movie.
This kind of shit isn’t supposed to happen in real life.
Nanny continues. “All these years I’ve kept him updated on your progress, your achievements. The office in his home is full of scrap books with your pictures and newspaper clippings in them, safely tucked away of course. He’s extremely proud of you Ethan; you’ve followed in his footsteps.”
Tears burn the back of my eyes. I take a deep breath to try and calm my raging heart and rub my hand roughly over my head to try and take a minute to comprehend all this.
Breathe Ethan, just breathe.
How different my life could’ve been if my parents had stayed together, or if my father had raised me. What I would have given to have been raised by a parent that showed their pride in me.
“Your mother and I reached an agreement where I would be your Nanny until you turned eighteen. The years I’ve spent with you have been the best of my life. I understand if this betrayal is something that you can’t get past with me sweetheart, but just know that I love you more than anything.” Nanny’s voice breaks and tears cloud her vision as she reaches to the table beside her for a tissue.
I can’t stand to see her so upset.
I’m devastated that this has all been kept from me, but Nanny has been the only constant in my life. She’s the only person to have loved me unconditionally since birth. She has cared for me where both my parents have failed. She loves me enough to ensure that I know the truth now, and I love her for that.
I move to the chair and wrap my arms around her. She sobs in to my shirt, her tears soaking the fabric. “Please don’t cry. I know this must have been hard for you to keep from me all this time. You’ve always been here for me. I love you so much. I’m trying to process what you’ve told me, and I can tell you one thing. I’ve never been so happy to find out who my real grandmother is; I’m so damn proud that it is you.”
I pull back and Nanny looks up at me through her tear soaked eyes.
“Nanny, you’ve given up your life to raise me. I’m sure it’s had its toll on your relationship with my father, and you’ve missed out on being there for my sister too. You spent every moment with me as I was growing up, every holiday, every special occasion. They missed out on that with you.”
She gives me a watery smile. The first since I arrived.
“I know that living with my mother has not been an easy life for you, so in my book you’ve sacrificed so much for me. You’re my rock Nanny and my life would’ve been nothing without you in it.”
She places her shaky hands on either side of my face and places a kiss on my forehead. “I love you Ethan. No time spent with you was ever a sacrifice to me, I wouldn’t change anything about my life. We’ll get through this together. We just need to take it one step at a time. There are other people’s lives that this affects. Okay?”
I nod in acceptance, “Okay.”
“Wait Nanny, you need to tell me about my sister.”
Nanny sucks in a sharp breath and takes my hand.
“Ethan sweetheart, this is the part that will take you most by surprise. I know that probably doesn’t seem possible after what I’ve told you. You’ve already met your sister sweetie.”
There goes the blood draining from my face again as my mind begins to spin. I start replaying all the females I’ve ever met in my life to try and pinpoint who it could be. I place my hands between my knees as they visibly begin to shake. I can’t think of anyone I know with the surname Martin.
“Who is she Nanny?”
Nanny looks to the floor and then her head comes up, placing her eyes directly in front of mine, and then she drops the bomb…
“Ethan sweetheart, Madeline Rose is your sister. Rose is her middle name; her full name is Madeline Rose Martin.”
The first thought in my mind is…. Fuck!
Jason Derulo
I’m adding the final touches to my make-up when I hear Ethan talking to Liv in the kitchen. My heart speeds up just from the sound of his deep, gravelly voice floating down the hallway. I grab my clutch and my sweater and make my way out to him.
My breath catches in my throat when I see him. He looks amazing in his dark jeans and black shirt. His dirty blonde hair styled in that perfect way. He is so gorgeous.
I walk towards him and wrap my arms around his waist, getting as close as I can.
“Hey you,” he says as he wraps his arm around my shoulders and leans down to kiss me hello. “You look stunning.”
I’m wearing my new grey jersey dress that I bought for tonight. It drapes across my body and hangs to just above my knees. It’s elegant, but edgy. I don’t know where we are headed, but Liv does, and she thinks this dress is perfect, so I’m going with it. I’ve teamed it with high bla
ck ankle boots.
I run my hands in to Ethan’s irresistible hair, tugging slightly just as he likes, and deepen our kiss, welcoming him to me.
“You two are too much,” Liv says, as she leaves the room.
I giggle in to Ethan’s mouth and pull back to see those baby blues. I notice the tension around his eyes first and then the stiff set of his shoulders.
Something’s wrong.
“Babe, what’s up?” I ask, my brow crinkling with my concern.
He fixes his face in the same way that he does before he is about to film a scene. I hate that he is doing that with me to hide whatever it is that’s going on.
“Nothing. I’m good. Just a bit tired from the heavy shooting schedule. I don’t want to worry about that tonight though; we have a surprise to get to.”
He smiles a genuine smile, which helps to erase some of the fear that is seeping in to my bones. I know something is bothering him but I don’t want to add to the tension he is feeling by pushing him. I’ll let it go tonight and revisit the conversation with him tomorrow if I need to.
Mum, Dad and Liv round the corner and come in to the kitchen, ready to go. After kisses and handshakes between Ethan and my folks, we head out to Ethan’s jeep.
After buckling in I turn to Ethan as he starts the ignition. “Do I get to know where we are going yet?”
He smiles and shakes his head. “Nope, still a surprise.”
Mum, Dad and Liv are in on it and they all laugh at my impatience from the back seat. “You’ll love it Sis, stop worrying,” Olivia says.
“I’m not worried, I’m excited, and I want to know where we are headed.”
Ethan turns his eyes towards me for a moment before looking back to the road ahead. “All I’ll tell you is that we’re going to the Nokia Theatre.”
All the big artists in the world play at the Nokia Theatre; I wonder who we are going to see. Ethan did mention getting Beyoncé tickets for Joshua the other day, perhaps that’s who we are seeing. I’d love that, she’s fantastic.