by Wendy Louise
I place my hand over my mouth to muffle the sob that rises from my throat. I don’t want to wake Kristy. “Ethan?” I ask.
“He’s in a bad way Ava. You know what Nanny meant to him. I’m not sure how he’s going to get through this.”
“I need to come back.” I state. There is no doubt in my mind. No matter what happened, I need to see him through this.
“I’m glad to hear it Ava. He was on his way to catch a flight to you when he got the call.”
“What?” I whisper.
“Grayson was driving him to the airport. They were halfway there when they had to turn around and rush back to the hospital.”
Thank God that he got the call when he did. I would never have forgiven myself if he was here with me and a world away. Tears are free falling down my face now. I’m crying for Ethan, but I’m also crying for myself. I loved Nanny and a world without her in it is incomprehensible.
“Are you still there Sis?”
I rub the tears from my face and force my voice to work. “Sorry Liv. I’m here. I’ll be on the first flight out. When is the funeral?”
“Day after tomorrow. If you can hop on an early flight then you’ll make it. He needs you Ava.”
“I’m coming. Just let him know that I’m coming.” I say, my tearstained voice betraying me.
“I will. Love you Sis.”
“Love you too Liv.”
I hang up and lie back on to my pillows allowing the grief to overtake me. I remember the first time I met Nanny and she told me, “….every so often someone special comes in to your life, and it’s so monumental that it marks time. It’s like a date is forever imprinted on your heart. After that, everything before pales in comparison and you wonder what you did without them. That Ava - is love.”
Knowing that Ethan is going through this without me is heartbreaking. I need to get to him and fast. I don’t care that it is the middle of the night. I grab my case from the wardrobe and start to pack. I will be at the small island airport at first light, making my way back to him.
I’m exhausted when I arrive back at LAX.
I’ve had three separate stop-overs to get back here, and I wasn’t able to sleep on the plane. My mind is full of Ethan, and Nanny, and I’m terrified of what he is going to say to me. Fear and doubt has crept back in to my veins and I’m scared that he wants Madeline and not me. I don’t think I would cope if that’s the case.
I hail a cab as I pull my large black sunglasses from my bag. I flop in to the back seat and give the driver my address. I have about three hours before the funeral and I’m in desperate need of a shower.
I punch Olivia’s number in to my phone and wait as it rings.
“Hey Sis,” she answers brightly, “Are you back?”
“I just landed; I’m on my way to the apartment now.”
“Great. I’m here so I’ll see you once you get here. We can go to the funeral together.”
Thank god for that. I don’t think I could walk in there by myself; I need my confident sister to act as my armour for the day.
“You okay Ava?”
“Not yet, but I will be.”
“He misses you like crazy Sis, just keep an open mind. Today is going to be a hard one for him.”
My heart clenches as I think of Ethan and all he will need to go through today. His pain is my pain and right now it is pretty unbearable.
“Thanks Liv. I’ll be there soon.”
“Okay, bye.”
I start to type out a text to Ethan, telling him how sorry I am, how much I adored Nanny and how much I love him.
As I go to press send, I hesitate.
I’m probably the last person he wants to hear from today. He has enough to deal with without adding the drama I bring to the mix. I delete the message and throw my phone back in to my bag.
I lay my head back on the seat and close my eyes. I take a deep breath and try to put on my brave face. Today is going to be difficult, and I worry about the outcome. I don’t think I can bear to be without him, but he may have already made up his mind.
He may have already moved on.
I turn my head to stare out the windows where palm trees and cars fly past.
I get a feeling of peace settle over me.
I’m home.
It’s funny how I now consider LA home. I’ve lived my entire life half a world away, but this is now my home.
Realisation dawns on me, that wherever Ethan is, that’s my home.
He’s my home.
I take another cleansing breath and drop my head back again, closing my eyes and praying to God that he still wants me.
Liv and I make our way down the aisle of the impressive cathedral. It’s modern from the outside and vast inside. It’s located near the Walt Disney Concert Hall in downtown LA and is very impressive. My nerves are heightened with every step closer to the front that we take, knowing that I will see Ethan soon. I feel jittery, so I shove my hands across my chest to try and stop them from shaking.
There are a large number of people here but nowhere near enough to fill this space. Everyone is congregating in the pews closest to the front so we have no choice but to head that way. I was hoping to hide out in the back for a while.
A white coffin sits at the front of the church covered in stunning pink roses, Nanny’s favourite. A gorgeous photo of Nanny sits atop a gold easel next to the coffin. Her smiling face is gazing at all of us, as if she is giving her silent thanks for our presence.
My heart hurts just looking at it.
My eyes scan the pews. Many of the people here are from Nanny’s Nursing Home; I recognise a few of the faces after our many visits there.
Liv and I reach the pew that Josh and Chelsea are in and slide in beside them. Josh looks up at me and smiles. “I’m so glad you’re here Ava.” He leans over and gives me a tight hug. “He needs you,” he whispers in my ear.
I pull back and we both have tears glistening in our eyes. Josh loves Ethan as much as I do and I can tell he must be doing it hard. I lean over Josh and grab Chelsea’s hand, giving it a squeeze. She gives me a sad smile and turns her head towards the front.
My eyes follow her gaze and that’s when I see him.
I take in every inch of him slowly.
He is so painstakingly beautiful that my breath falters.
He has on an impeccable black suit with a pink tie that matches the roses on Nanny’s casket.
It’s a fitting tribute to her.
His gorgeous face looks so sad, lines etched around his mouth, and his eyes are so clouded that I find it hard to look at them without my heart breaking. His gorgeous mane of hair is still perfectly tousled, and his beauty is still breathtaking, but he is wearing his grief like a beacon.
He is standing next to his mother, talking to a very good looking older gentleman. I recognise him and assume he is an actor. In fact I’m sure he is. I’ve seen his movies before. His name escapes me though.
He doesn’t see me sitting at the end of the pew so I keep my head down. I don’t want our reunion to be in front of this crowd of people.
His mother makes her way in to the front pew, followed by the gentleman that they were talking to. He must be her new flavour of the month. Ethan follows behind him and then I glimpse Madeline.
She looks elegant and stunning in a black, tight-fitting designer dress, her long blonde hair pulled back in to a sleek ponytail. She takes her place next to Ethan at the end of their pew and I immediately feel sick. Looking at them standing together makes my eyes hurt. They both look so gorgeous standing there. The perfectly matched couple.
I need to get out of here.
How stupid could I be to think that he wanted me over her?
Olivia senses my rising panic and clasps my hand, tight. She’s not letting me go anywhere. I look in to her eyes pleading for her to let me go. She leans in towards me and whispers, “Have faith Ava, he’s not with her.” Tears prick my eyes and I take a deep breath to try and calm my raging nerves.
I will stay, for Nanny. I need to say a proper goodbye to her. I am sure I can sneak out without Ethan and Madeline even seeing me after the service.
At that moment, Grayson arrives and sits next to me, pulling me in to a tight hug. “Glad you’re back hon. Have you spoken to him yet?” I shake my head no. Grayson looks so handsome in his black suit and dark tie. He really is gorgeous. He grabs my hand tightly in to his. “Make sure you talk to him today okay?”
With Liv and Gray holding on to me, I have nowhere to go, and nothing to do but sit here and watch Ethan with Madeline from a distance.
It’s my worst nightmare come true.
We sit through some stunningly beautiful hymns sung by the choir. The Reverend has said some lovely things about Nanny and we have just watched a slideshow of photos depicting Nanny from when she was very young to more recently. Many of the photos showed her with Ethan over the years. My tears couldn’t be held back through that part, and I sobbed in to my tissue. Ethan chose the Eva Cassidy song, Songbird, to play during the photos and it was so hauntingly beautiful that I doubt there is a dry eye left in the church.
I can see Ethan’s shoulders shaking from where I’m sitting so I know he is crying too. My heart is breaking for him. My need to comfort him is overwhelming. The gentleman beside him places a hand on Ethan’s shoulder in comfort. Ethan turns to him and gives him a tight smile. His face in profile is agonising to look at.
Grayson notices my sharp intake of breath and places his hand around my shoulders, drawing me closer to him and soothing me. He has tears tracking down his cheeks too.
The Reverend announces that Ethan is going to speak and my heart stops.
How can I sit here and just watch him going through this?
My overwhelming urge is to run to the front of the church and hold his hand but I can’t. I stay put, sitting close to Grayson and take a deep breath, ready to listen to the love of my life, as a piece of his heart is lying in the coffin in the front.
Final Goodbyes
I make my way from the pew to the podium at the front of the church, right in front of Nanny’s coffin. The florist has done an amazing job with the roses. They are Nanny’s favourite and a few of them are from her own garden at the Nursing Home.
My spirit is broken and my heart is pounding a sad tattoo.
Gray and I made it to the hospital before Nanny passed away but she never actually woke up so I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye. That will haunt me as long as I live. That’s why I was insistent on speaking today; I need to say a proper goodbye to the one person that has stood by me my entire life.
I sat in the hospital room and just stroked Nanny’s hand, whispering to her. My mother and father and Madeline all made an appearance too, and as a family we all said goodbye to the person that finally broke down our walls and brought us all back together. I will be eternally grateful to Nanny for that, but more so for the selfless way that she gave her life to raise me.
I take a deep breath and ready myself to speak.
I know that Ava is here, Olivia told me she would be, but besides that, I can feel her presence in the room. It’s like my body is so attuned to hers that instinctively it recognises that she is here. I’m too scared to look in to her eyes yet. The emotion will kill me. I look out at the crowd and train my eyes above their heads so I can’t see any of the grieving faces. I rub my finger absently over the tattoo of Ava’s name on my wrist, seeking silent comfort from it.
I take a deep heaving breath to keep the tears at bay and begin.
“Nanny Grace was my life. She raised me from the moment I was born and stayed by my side until the day she died. She was selfless, loving and kind, and if I can measure up to her in any way then I am a lucky man. She once said that it’s not the person you love the longest, but the person you love the deepest that forever stays in your heart. Nanny has always been the one that I have loved the longest and the deepest throughout my life. She will forever be with me. I love you Nanny, always will, and I will miss you more than I can express. Thank you for everything you did for me, thank you for loving me unconditionally and thank you for being my Nanny. The blessings you brought to my life are endless and I will do my best to remember everything that you taught me. Your spirit will forever live on in me. I love you. Goodbye.”
Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I make my way down the stairs in front of the pew. I stand in front of Nanny’s coffin and place a pink origami rose that I folded for her on top of it. With my palm flat on the lid of the coffin I whisper, “Good bye Nanny, I love you. Thank you… for everything.”
I turn to make my way back to my seat when my eyes lock on to Ava’s. She is sitting with Liv and Gray and tears are pouring from her gorgeous big eyes. My eyes are locked to hers and I can’t look away. I want to run to her and take her in my arms to ease her pain, and mine.
It hurts to look at her.
Not only because of the pain in her eyes, but because I have missed her so damn much that it physically aches.
I see her love for me, I see her grief, I see her fear, but most of all I see her longing. Her expression mirrors everything that I’m feeling in this moment too. I give her a faint smile, which she returns, and I turn towards the pew that my family is sitting in. I want so damn much to go to her, but I can’t now, I need time with her, and I need to get through today first.
Today is Nanny’s day.
Madeline and Grant both give me small smiles as I sit back down and my mother leans across Grant to take my hand. She gives it a gentle squeeze and says “I’m proud of you Ethan.” She’s never said that to me before, so that starts my tears anew.
We sit through the remainder of the service in silence, sharing our grief and remembering the wonderful person that was Nanny Grace. As the service concludes, Grant and I make our way to the front. We are acting as pallbearers to take Nanny out of the church, along with some other friends. We slowly make our way back down the aisle.
As I near Ava’s pew, I see her looking straight in to my eyes. I silently mouth I love you to her as I pass. I don’t stop to see if she responds, because right now if she doesn’t, it will kill me.
The sun is shining brightly as we place the coffin in the back of the car, ready to make its way to the cemetery. I look up to the sky, staring in to the bright rays and smiling, knowing that this is Nanny’s way of letting me know that she is here, watching over us and that she’s at peace. In this very moment, that peace washes over me.
I turn towards the entrance of the cathedral and take my place next to my mother, greeting people and thanking them all for attending. Of course no one knows about my family yet - well except for Gray, I told him over more than a few beers last night - so Grant and Madeline are standing a little way away from us. Even though Grant is Nanny’s son, most people in her life did not know of his existence. Her life was with me and me alone. She gave up everything for me. I can’t imagine how hard that must be for Grant today. He’s lost his mother.
I see Ava approaching and my heart is aching to be near her, to touch her, to get her back. Gray gives my mother a peck on the cheek and passes on his condolences before pulling me in to a tight hug. “So proud of you man, don’t know how you did that up there, but Nanny would have loved it.”
“Thanks Gray.”
“There’s someone here that you need to speak to,” he says to me, pulling Ava in front of me and walking away. I look in to her tear-filled eyes and run my hand down her cheek. She closes her eyes, as if my touch is too much for her to bear.
She opens her eyes and says, “Hi.”
“Hi.” I say back breathlessly.
“I’m so sorry about Nanny. I loved her too.”
“I know. She was very easy to love.”
I try to resist and I can’t. I pull Ava tightly in to my chest and bury my face in her hair. “God Ava, I’ve missed you so much. Don’t ever run on me again.”
She pulls back, leaving her arms around my waist. “Ethan
we have so much to talk about. This time apart has been really hard. No matter what, know that I love you - so much. I’m here for you today and always.”
I pull her back to me and squeeze her tight. “We do have a lot to talk about. There is so much that I need to explain. Right now you just need to know that there’s no-one else, no matter what you think.” She nods against my chest.
She whispers, “I love you” and lets go of my hand, making her way over to Grayson and Joshua. The heat that I was feeling immediately vanishes when she leaves me. I don’t know how I’ve gotten through this time away from her, but right here and now I vow to never let her go again. I’m not letting her out of my sight. She is as much the air I need to breathe as Nanny was.
I turn back to the people waiting to speak to us and feel like the piece of my heart that is leaving with Nanny has just flown back in to my chest - because of Ava.
My mother insisted on having the wake catered for at our home. I would have preferred to keep people away from the house, but Elizabeth Drake is nothing if not a meticulous event planner. The house is full of people. Everyone that followed us to the burial is here at the house and then some.
My mother has been surprisingly warmer towards me ever since the big revelation on the weekend. The weight of the secret she was carrying for so long lifted. She and Grant have been getting along well and she and Madeline are forging a new relationship. I’m trying hard to connect with Grant too. He’s a very kind man, level headed and different to my mother. In many ways I have taken on his mannerisms and personality, where Madeline is very much our mother’s daughter.
We are nowhere near being a family yet, but we are certainly all making our way there.
Waiters are milling through the crowd carrying trays of hor d’oeuvres and pink champagne, Nanny’s favourite vintage. Friends and family are mingling sharing stories of Nanny and catching up on news.
Nanny would have loved this.
I make my way out to the terrace to the large outdoor sofa. My second family is sitting out here.