by Wendy Louise
The nurses buzz around, checking his vital signs and monitoring the flow of fluids through the IV. They give us small smiles but leave us be for the most part.
I stare at his flawless face, his strong jaw, covered in dark stubble.
His full lips, his high cheekbones…
My eyes roam his arm, covered in a light dusting of dark hair and intricate black tattoos, that highlight his impressive musculature.
I love his forearms.
Strong and vital. Even now.
My thumb rubs absent circles over his palm and his wedding band, letting him know - I’m here baby, please come back to me.
After a long stretch, Monica stands. “I’m going to let Joel come in now,” she says quietly. She bends to give Grayson another kiss and tells him that she loves him, before moving to me and dropping a kiss to the top of my head.
She squeezes my shoulder and gives me a tight smile before turning to the door.
As she leaves the room, I feel the tears flow freely.
I want my mum and dad.
I want Gray.
“Come back to me baby. Please don’t leave me. I can’t do this by myself. I can’t be a mummy to our little one without you Gray. Please don’t leave me.”
I rest my cheek carefully against the back of his hand and let the tears flow quietly. I give him intermittent kisses on his warm skin, inhaling each time I do and committing his scent to memory.
I love you, I say, over and over.
I keep waiting for him to say I love you more, but it doesn’t come.
I stopped counting hours and now I count days.
Three days.
It’s been three days since they expected Gray to come out of the induced coma, and he still hasn’t woken up.
Three days.
It’s been three days since I have left this hospital room.
I sleep here on an uncomfortable bed that they fold away each morning.
I eat here, anything that Ava brings me.
I shower here in Gray’s little bathroom - the one that he is yet to use.
The media are camped outside the hospital, hence the reason I don’t leave. I don’t want to face them. I’ve managed to steer clear of all the televisions and newspapers here at the hospital. I don’t want to know what they’re reporting. I don’t want to see footage of Gray on stage as they tell everyone that he is in a coma, and has a head injury.
I most definitely don’t want to watch the vision of that damn crash again, and I am sure they are playing it over, and over, and over.
My parents arrived from Australia last night. They came in straight from the airport where Ava and Ethan collected them.
I sobbed as soon as I had them here with me. Complete, anguished, broken sobs, until I could cry no more.
I’ve been playing music for Gray, choosing his favourite songs from my iphone. I’ve been reading to him too. We’ve been through most of the old magazines that they have here, and to be honest, my voice is hoarse from speaking out loud for so long.
I don’t think I have ever read the newspaper cover to cover in my life prior to now. But Gray and I go through it together every day. Every single inch of it.
The room is overflowing with the most spectacular flowers. The Studio sent a huge bunch, and they’ve been so amazing about putting filming on hold until we get through this.
Matt, Cooper and Will have all been in to see Gray, all having driven down from LA. It’s like our group has taken over the waiting area. There are at least four or five people out there for Gray at any time of the day and night.
Monica, Joel, Christian, Sienna and I are here around the clock. I don’t leave this room. They take turns in sitting with me.
Ethan and Ava have been here more often than not too. Ethan sits and reads the sports news to Gray while I take a break and have a shower.
Gray has not been alone for one second, and that’s the way I want it. He needs to know that we are all here waiting for him, all here willing him to come back.
The doctors and nurses keep telling us to hang in there, but I see the concern on their faces as they whisper in the corner of the room, reviewing Grayson’s charts. We all expected to have him back with us by now…
I’m here baby, please come back to me…
Dreaming…
I can hear noises in the distance. Voices I think.
They seem so far away. I know one of them belongs to Ethan, and one to my mom, but there are so many that I feel confused, unable to make out the words or the tone clearly.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I’m sure that I hear Olivia’s voice, reading to me, I’m sure that’s her Australian accent, filling my head and enticing my senses…
And music, I hear music….
I’m tired.
So tired that I feel like sleep is dragging me into a deep dark hole. One that I can’t get out of, no matter how hard I try to.
Occasionally I feel something tugging at my skin, but then when I try to move my head to see what that is, I can’t. It’s heavy and sore, and won’t allow my neck to lift it, or turn it, or make any movement.
It hurts.
I don’t know why.
So does my hand, my body - everything.
My eyes won’t open either. I must be dreaming.
I don’t know where I am and I don’t know what’s going on, and I can’t seem to switch my brain into gear enough to worry about it.
But then I’m sure I hear Olivia’s voice again.
I’m here baby, please come back to me…
Is that her?
Am I dreaming?
I’m here baby, please come back to me…
Please God, if that’s Olivia Lucas calling to me, calling me baby, then let this be real, not a dream. Let me wake up and see her…
The drowsiness is back and it’s dragging me in, tempting me in the worst of ways.
I’ll give into it, just one more time. I’ll give into it and hope that when I resurface that I’m not dreaming.
I’ll hope that the girl of my dreams is here with me, waiting for me to wake up, waiting for me to make her mine.
Despite my lack of coordination I feel a small smile tug at my lips.
Olivia Lucas – mine, what a wish come true.
The blackness descends and I feel it claiming me, erasing my thoughts and my smile and any hope of Olivia.
I give in.
Allowing everything to fade away.
Allowing everything to fade to black…
Help!
I’ve been sitting next to the bed, holding his hand for the past hour by myself. Sometimes I just like to be here alone, quiet, listening to his breathing and touching his warm skin.
Right now though, I need to stretch. I need to move around, allow the blood to flow back into my veins. I stretch before I stand and make my way to the window, looking down on all the people below, going about their business, as if they have no cares in the world.
Unlike me.
I drop my forehead to the cool glass of the window and close my eyes, allowing the exhaustion to take over for just a moment.
I rarely give into it.
I can’t bear the thought of Gray waking up and me not being there for him.
One of the machines next to the bed starts to beep. It’s a really high-pitched, fast beep, the type that scares you, the type that can’t mean anything good.
I rush to the bedside and grab the button, frantically pressing it over and over to alert the nurses to the fact that I need them.
Now.
“Help, someone help,” I call to the door, stroking over Gray’s arm gently as I do.
I see Gray’s good hand flexing, a slight movement resulting in his fingers. My heart leaps.
Is he waking up?
I search his gorgeous face, but his eyes are still firmly shut, and his breathing is still regulated by that damn tube in his mouth.
The door to the room pushes open and three nurses an
d a doctor flood in, moving in front of me and effectively cutting off my view of Gray completely. They’re shouting and working frantically, pulling carts and machinery with them. The blankets are ripped back to the point that they land on the floor, and the words coming from the doctor’s mouth sound like a foreign language to me.
I’m scared.
Oh God, I’m so scared.
I wish I weren’t here alone right now.
I don’t know what to do.
Tears sting my eyes and my lungs constrict again, making it hard to breathe.
I back away, moving until my back hits the wall opposite the bed with a thud.
This doesn’t look good.
It feels like everything has gone into slow motion. Blood is gushing through my ears and I feel tingly, like pins and needles are firing across my skin.
What they’re saying doesn’t sound good. I can make out the words accelerated heart rate and dangerously high blood pressure, neither of which are welcome to my ears right now.
The tone of their voices is anxious.
I see them remove the breathing tube from Gray’s mouth.
I see them injecting fluids into the portal on his hand.
I hear them calling to him – “Grayson, Grayson, can you hear me…”
My head swims, and then…
Everything goes black.
What happened?
The shouting intensifies and then it fades away. I can feel myself on the edge of consciousness, not quite wanting to wake up.
If I could just get rid of the noise, the shouting, the people pulling at my skin…
Where’s Liv?
I heard her talking to me earlier.
My throat hurts and I would kill for some water right now.
I try to move my right arm but it’s heavy. So heavy. I can’t lift it at all.
It hurts to breathe, like my chest has been crushed, and the slightest movement is excruciating.
What happened to me?
I flex my left hand and am pleased to feel my fingers straighten and curl with little effort.
Now to open my eyes.
The pounding in my head is like nothing I have ever experienced. Hangovers have nothing on this. I push past it and force my eyelids open, blinking furiously at the bright lights of the room overhead.
“Grayson, can you hear us?”
I try to answer, I really do, but no noise will push past my lips.
I blink again, trying to allow my eyes to adjust to the room around me, but it is just so bright.
“Grayson?” I hear again.
I flex my hand, hoping they will see the movement and realise that I can hear them.
One more time, “Grayson, can you hear me?”
I finally manage to push a raspy “yes” past my lips. I don’t sound like me and now that my eyes are open, and I am looking down at my body, I don’t look like me either.
My arm is in a blue cast from the elbow to the wrist, my other hand is connected to tubes and IV lines, and my head feels so hazy that I don’t know whether this is real or a dream.
“Water?” I manage to ask.
A nurse replies. “I’ll get you some as soon as the doctor finishes checking you over.”
“What happened?” I rasp.
“You were in an accident Grayson. It’s great to have you back.” That’s the doctor, speaking carefully as he shines a light into each pupil, blinding me further.
“Liv?” I say, moving my eyes around the room trying to find her.
“She’ll be back shortly,” one of the nurses says, “now just relax so we can check you over.”
I allow my head to fall back into the pillow, almost letting myself drift back into a sea of unconsciousness, but fighting it. I want to see Liv. I want to know what happened to me.
The doctor comes into view, giving me a small smile. “How do you feel?”
“Like I’ve gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson.”
The doctor smiles, and one of the nurses giggles at me.
Talking is taking more effort that you can possibly imagine, so I decide not to overdo it.
“Grayson do you remember the accident?”
I shake my head carefully from side to side, trying not to accelerate the throbbing that already exists.
“Your car hit a wall during the final laps of the Grand Prix. You are very lucky to be here right now. You’ve broken some ribs and shattered your wrist. There has been some significant swelling on your brain, but the fact that you have woken up and are able to speak to me right now is a good sign. You need to rest and take things easy. I’ll be back to check on you in an hour.”
“Thanks,” I say.
“I’ll go speak with your parents.”
“They’re here?”
He chuckles, “Grayson, the waiting room has been full of your friends and family for days. They’ll be pleased to know you’re back with us.”
“Days?”
“You’ve been out of it since the accident on Saturday. Today’s Wednesday.”
He pats my good hand and rises from the bed. “Keep up the pain meds,” he says to the nurse who is writing on my chart.
“I’ll be back soon.”
I nod and allow my eyes to close for just a moment, letting myself entertain the idea of slipping back to sleep.
But first, I need to see Liv.
The door to my room flies open to reveal my mother, sobbing as she walks towards my bed. “Grayson…” she says as she sits in the chair and kisses my hand.
“Good to have you back with us Son,” my dad says as he rubs a hand over my mom’s back.
“How do you feel sweetheart?”
“Sore Mom, sore all over.”
She cries delicately again, swiping under her eyes with her fingertips. “You scared us, so much. Poor Liv, she’s been with you the whole time, she hasn’t once left this room.”
So where the hell is she then?
“I want to see her,” I say.
My parents exchange a look before my mom takes my hand.
What’s wrong?
“Sweetie, Liv hasn’t left your side, but when your machines started beeping right before you woke up, it scared her. I think the fact that she has hardly slept, and hasn’t really been eating well has caught up with her.”
“Where is she Mom?”
“She fainted sweetie. It was all too much. They have her down in Urgent Care, monitoring her.”
“The baby?”
“I’m sure the baby is fine, don’t you worry, her parents and Ava are down there with her.”
“Liv’s parents are here? From Australia?”
“Everyone is here sweetie. Your sister and brother, Liv’s parents, Ethan and Ava, Will, Matt, Cooper, Madeline, everyone. We’ve all been taking turns staying with you. Liv didn’t want you alone for a second.”
“I need to get down to see her.”
I try to sit up but the pain from my ribs radiates through my system, forcing me back down and causing the heart rate monitor to race. A nurse enters the room to check the print-out. “Is everything okay in here?”
I nod. “Sorry, I just tried to sit up.”
“No sitting up,” she admonishes, “you need to take things very easy Mr Adams.”
I nod and close my eyes on a deep breath, willing the pain away.
“Mom?”
“Mmhmmm?”
“Will you go down and check on her for me?”
“Of course, I’ll send Sienna and Christian in to stay with you and Dad. They’re waiting patiently to see you.”
She drops a kiss on my forehead and takes a deep breath, pushing her tears back again. “I love you sweetie.”
“Love you too.”
She smiles and moves out of the room, leaving me with my dad, waiting for news on Liv.
“You don’t understand, I need to get back up there.”
“You need to stay put Mrs Adams, once we’re sure that you and this little one are doing okay then you c
an go back up there.”
I want to punch that nurse in the face. She has no bedside manner and she won’t give me any details on Gray.
“Ava, can you go up and see if you can find out what the hell is happening.”
“I will Liv, but you need to stay calm, for the baby’s sake as well as your own.”
I take a deep shuddering breath and close my eyes. The beep of the machine that’s monitoring the baby slows slightly, indicating that I need to stay calm.
The nurse gives me a look that says I told you so, then she leaves the room. Just before I decide to give her a piece of my mind.
Monica is next to round the corner and enter the room, I can tell she’s been crying and just like that, my heart sinks.
“Please tell me he’s okay,” I say as I try to sit up further.
She smiles, a bright white smile, one that I haven’t seen on her face since she arrived here days ago. “He’s awake. He’s cranky. He’s asking for you. He’s going to be fine.”
I feel the tears track down my cheeks as my smile broadens and they trickle over my lips. “He’s really okay?”
She nods and kisses my cheek, rubbing away the tears as she pulls back. “He’s dying to see you. Wanted the nurses to bring him down here, which of course they won’t, so he sent me. Joel, Sienna and Christian are with him now.”
“I should be there.”
“He knows that you’re here darling. He knows you haven’t left him all this time. Stay put until they allow you to move about and then we can have you taken up there.”
“Is he in pain?”
“He is, but they’ve given him meds, so that will keep him comfortable.”
I grab my sister’s hand. “Ava, please, I’m begging you, go find the doctor and see if they can take me up there. Even if I have to go up in a wheel chair. I need to see him.”
She smiles and rubs my arm. “Okay.”
Monica takes my hand and kisses the back of it. “He’s back with us Liv, he’s going to be fine.”
For the first time in days I feel like I can breathe, inflate my lungs and blow the air out, without my heart hurting.