I wanted him to suffer.
So I waited.
That was what I told myself, and I thought it truth. I told myself I dreamed only of vengeance, never realizing another dream waited for me.
It is never wise to tempt the gods, especially Ishtar. What could be more enticing to the Lady of Love and War than my serene belief in my iron control over my passions and my heart?
Fifteen years lay between us; I was old enough to have fathered her, had I been a whole man. I counted far too heavily on those fifteen years to safeguard me.
But time is mutable; years melt away like sugar in the rain.
When we first laid eyes upon each other, she was ten years old, and I was twenty-five. She was a child and I full-grown. But as she grew, the gulf between our years altered, as if time itself flowed differently for her than it did for me.
When Vashti was fifteen and I thirty, I had changed very little since the day I lifted her out of the royal palanquin and ushered her into the Women’s Palace. But those five years had wrought magic on Vashti. The little girl had vanished; in her place stood a woman. And although I did not yet know it, my heart no longer belonged to me. It was hers. Forever.
All that remained was for Ishtar to blow the dust from my blind eyes at the time and place of Her choosing.
How odd to think that two yelping wolf cubs changed the course of the Persian Empire. But they did.
* * *
The king wished to hunt, and so the court hunted. The queen wished to do whatever the king did, and so I and a dozen miserable eunuchs attended her. As we galloped after the king, I again gave silent thanks to Lord Orodes, who had let me learn to ride a horse properly.
Ahasuerus hoped for lion, but he hunted only an hour’s ride from Shushan; too close to the city for lions. After a long morning of seeking and backtracking, he at last flushed quarry. A wolf ran almost under his stallion’s hooves; Ahasuerus shouted in delight and spurred him after the fleeing wolf. Of course all the rest of us sent our own mounts charging after him—and Vashti, who was more daring than skillful on horseback, raced past everyone save the king.
The wolf led us through brush and into rising hills. By now the beast tired, and at last, in a narrow ravine, it turned at bay, sides heaving. In the time it took me to draw a few breaths, Ahasuerus sent half-a-dozen arrows into the exhausted animal and claimed the kill. As the courtiers acclaimed him as the son of Nimrod himself, Vashti urged her fretting horse closer to the dead beast.
“Look, Ahasuerus—it’s a bitch. See, she is nursing cubs.” Vashti stared down at the fallen wolf.
Ahasuerus glanced at his prey. “So she was.” He then gazed around at the sides of the ravine. “I wonder if she led us to her whelps? You”—he gestured to the nearest Immortal—“search the area for the wolf’s lair.”
I sighed inwardly. I doubted the lair could be found, and the hunt had led us far from Shushan. Even if we turned back now, we would not ride back into the palace until nightfall. However, what the King of Kings wanted, he got, and so I edged my horse closer to Vashti’s, prepared to wait patiently. When I was beside her, I saw at once that something troubled her. Her crystal eyes were clouded, her tender mouth set in a tight line. I reached out and gently touched her hand.
“What perturbs my queen?”
Vashti stared past me, watching as a dozen Immortals searched about the ravine for the she-wolf’s lair. “I wish she had escaped.”
“You have a tender heart, my queen.”
“Do I?” Vashti twisted in her saddle so that she could face me squarely. “She ran so long and so hard, but in vain.” Her eyes glittered with unshed tears. “Oh, Hegai, I wish—”
At that moment shouts from the searching Immortals drew all attention to them. Ahasuerus whooped with triumph. “They’ve found the den!” Even as he drew breath to speak again, an Immortal ran up to him and went down on one knee beside his horse.
“It is even as the king says. We have the cubs—two only, O king.” The Immortal spoke as if the lack of more wolf cubs were a fault of the searchers.
“Bring them here.” Ahasuerus beckoned, and two more Immortals approached, each holding a wolf cub by the scruff of its neck.
The cubs were small as yet; I judged them to be perhaps two months old. Dangling from the Immortals’ iron grasp, the cubs squirmed and whimpered. Ahasuerus regarded the frightened little creatures with satisfaction.
“Excellent,” he said, and smiled at the Immortals, who bowed their heads in acknowledgment of his praise. “Easier to take the evil beasts now, before they’ve ravaged a farmer’s flock.”
Beside me, I sensed Vashti tense, her hands tightening on the reins. Her horse danced sideways in protest and I reached out and caught the reins just below its chin. Beside Ahasuerus’s horse, the two Immortals held the wolf cubs high, so that all might see them. One cub hung limp, whimpering faintly. The other cub still struggled against its captor and uttered outraged yelps.
“What is the king’s will?” one of the immortals asked.
Ahasuerus said, “Cut their throats.”
And Vashti cried “No!” and flung herself off her horse so fast she landed on her hands and knees in the dust.
Before even I could move to stop her, she scrambled to her feet and snatched one dangling cub out of the Immortal’s grasp. She pressed the whimpering wolf-cub to her breast.
“You won’t kill them. I won’t let you.”
Ahasuerus frowned. “They’re evil. Wolves belong to Ahriman the Dark, you know that. Now give that creature back to my guard and”—he looked around, indicated me—“let Hegai put you back up on your horse.”
He didn’t add “where you belong,” but that was so clearly what he meant I was not surprised to see Vashti’s eyes narrow. I knew Vashti could be stubborn as a dozen mules—but her will was so rarely crossed. She was denied almost nothing.
Almost. Now I watched this careless license change before my eyes. The king is no longer a child. He is nearly twenty; a man, and men do not like to be gainsaid. Especially before so many witnesses.
Obeying the king’s command, I dismounted; I bowed and dutifully murmured, “O king, live”—Vashti pivoted and shoved her wolf cub at me; involuntarily, I enfolded the cub in my arms—“forever,” I finished, and stared down into the cub’s blue eyes. The cub stared back and bit my thumb. It had teeth like new needles, and only years of learning to control every emotion let me endure the sharp pain without crying out.
Now Vashti grasped the second cub and the Immortals who had held the cubs looked to Ahasuerus for guidance. He merely scowled at Vashti. Before either king or queen could speak, I swiftly stepped in front of Vashti.
“Give that cub to me as well, O queen.”
“No, you give me back that one. I’ll carry them myself.” Her chin lifted and she glared past me at Ahasuerus.
The glint in her eyes might only have been reflected sunlight, but it still made me uneasy. Queen Mother Amestris might think the king still a boy, but the anger in his face had been a man’s, not a boy’s. As for the young queen—I looked down into Vashti’s face and saw, not petulance, but determination.
“I will not have them hurt, Hegai.” The cub Vashti held squirmed and nuzzled her neck.
“Then let me hold both so you do not drop them while mounting your horse.” I held out my hand.
Vashti hesitated, but permitted me to take the second cub from her. The little creatures squirmed and squeaked; I looked at them and sighed inwardly. Dirt covered the cubs, a fact Ahasuerus pointed out crossly. I agreed—
“And doubtless they are infested with fleas,” I added.
Exasperated by this levity, Vashti stamped her foot. “Then I shall bathe them—”
“Which means you, O queen, will have fleas crawling upon you as well.” As I spoke, I saw Ahasuerus shake his head and turn his horse away. And I saw that Vashti did not notice his displeasure.
Vashti put her hand on one of the wolf cubs and smiled up a
t me. “Then you, O Chief Eunuch, shall bathe me.” Even then, as she slanted her opal eyes up at me and she smiled, her words seemed only a young girl’s jest.
“As the queen says. Now mount your horse and go ride at the king’s side.”
“Must I? I’d rather go back with you and help you with my wolves.”
“And the King of Kings would rather you hunted with him.”
“Oh, Ahasuerus won’t care, and besides, I don’t wish to hunt any longer today. I’d rather go with you.”
“My queen, you begged to hunt with the king and he agreed to permit it—so it would be wise for you to accompany him now. He is not pleased about the wolf cubs.”
Vashti shrugged, but to my surprise, she then nodded. “Oh, very well. But mind, I expect to see my wolves waiting for me when I return.”
“Of course, my queen.” Already I was considering how to carry the cubs back to the palace and safely accommodate them in Vashti’s palace once they had been bathed and fed. Doubtless I would think of something. For the moment, I simply thanked the Wise God for Vashti’s unexpected obedience.
* * *
Once we returned to the palace, I thrust the wolf cubs into the hands of the eunuch in charge of the queen’s pets, and instructed him to clean them, feed them, and ensure they did not bite their royal owner when she next saw them even if he had to drug them to ensure their docility—
“Oh, they won’t bite her.” He held the cubs by the scruff of their necks, regarding them with appalled resignation. “Nothing ever bites her.”
“If you mean the most royal lady Vashti, Queen of Queens, say so.” But I spoke mildly, for expecting him to deal with wolves truly was outrageous. “Pretend they’re dogs,” I advised him, and hastily left to seek out Vashti.
For once she was where she ought to be, waiting for me in the Queen’s Bath. I walked through the rippling light and saw Vashti reclining on one of the marble slabs. No one else was in the room; I sighed, wondering what mischief she had plotted now.
“O queen,” I said, “where are your bath-servants?”
“O chief of my servants,” she said, “you promised to bathe me yourself.”
For long slow heartbeats, I looked through the hot moist air that lay between us. Vashti smiled and sat up. She stretched, and her pale hair cascaded over her shoulders and back and thighs; her skin glistened, spangled with sunlight. She looked like a peri damp with morning dew, like a flawless pearl, like the most beautiful creature ever created.
She looked nothing like the fierce girl who had wrested a wolf cub from an Immortal’s hands and defied the King of Kings. She didn’t look like a young girl at all—
She looked like a woman.
I had seen her naked body many times. I had seen the pretty, overawed child. I had seen the exuberant, overindulged girl. Never before had my blood burned beneath my skin when I looked upon her. I felt ill-at-ease; embarrassed by what should have been a commonplace to me.
She beckoned to me, laughed and stretched again. In the dim shadows of the Queen’s Bath, her hair was only another shadow; paler than most, but still a shadow. I walked slowly across the warm damp floor until I stood beside her, and for the first time since the day I had welcomed her to the palace of the King of Kings, I did not dare lay my hands upon her body.
“You needn’t stare so.” Vashti added, “I am not so dirty as you clearly fear.”
“Dirty? You?” My voice sounded strange and forced as it echoed against the bright golden walls.
She tilted her head and regarded me curiously. “Hegai, what’s wrong? What are you staring at?”
I am staring at a woman I desire. I am looking at you. Not at her ivory hair, or her pearl skin, or her opal eyes. At her. I desired her. Any man who tells you a eunuch cannot know desire … well, let him be cut after he has even once known a woman, and then let him say that.
“Hegai? What are you thinking?”
I am thinking you are a woman now, a woman I may touch but never possess. I am thinking of your sweetness and your laughter. I am thinking of the way you defied the King of Kings to save some filthy wolf pups.
I managed to smile and offer a diversion, hoping she would forget whatever she saw in my eyes. “I am thinking, it is time and past time, O brave one, that the Queen’s Bath reflected Queen Vashti and not Queen Amestris.”
My offering worked—yes, Vashti was a woman now, but still a very young one, and she delighted in creating her own world. She did not yet realize how small that world was; how high and thick the palace walls that bound her.
And my hasty misdirection held much truth, for the old Queen’s Bath had never truly suited Queen Vashti. Heavily gilded walls and gaudy tile murals overwhelmed her moonlight beauty.
“Oh, yes, Hegai! What changes shall we make?” Vibrant with eagerness, she bounced off the marble slab on which she’d been sitting. She padded over to me and put her arms around my waist, and tilted her head to look up into my face. “I’m so glad you thought of it, for I really don’t like all those sea monsters staring at me as if they wished to eat me!”
As her body pressed against mine; the scent of her favorite perfume drifted to me on the humid air. I inhaled the warm bite of amber, the rich sweetness of roses. I looked down into Vashti’s opal eyes and silently thanked Ishtar that at least one layer of cloth lay between us—I wore only a sleeveless tunic of thin linen that covered me only from throat to knee, but it was better than nothing—
Which was all that Vashti wore. Nothing. Nothing but the scent of amber and roses …
“Hegai? Hegai, where are my wolves?” Her words broke whatever spell and kept me staring. I shook myself free of visions of Vashti dancing before me, that scent of amber and roses swirling about her in the hot moist air.
“O queen, did you think I would bring them in here?”
“Well, no, but I wish to see them after you bathe me. Do you think they’re evil and cunning?” Vashti regarded me hopefully.
Cunning and cowardly … The words echoed in my memory. Cunning and cowardly, like all eunuchs. I knew those words were false.
“No, my queen,” I said, “I don’t.” Another question to draw Vashti’s attention occurred to me. “What do you intend to do with the cubs?” I knew the answer before she spoke, of course; Vashti possessed an ever-growing menagerie of pets.
“Why, keep them, of course.” She looked baffled, clearly wondering why I even asked so foolish-evident a question. “I’ve chosen names for them—can you guess what they are?”
I shook my head. “No, my queen. I cannot. And no, I do not wish to guess what they are. I wish you to tell me.”
“Oh, very well. I have named the smaller Vayu and the larger Atar. That will show Ahasuerus what I think of his silly notion that they’re evil.”
Wind and Fire. Vayu, the wind, chases away evil and Atar, son of the Good God Ahura Mazda, is fire. Fire burns evil to ash. Vashti had indeed chosen names that would reveal her thoughts to Ahasuerus. Clever, yes. But wise?
“What do you think? Do you like the names?” Vashti regarded me so hopefully I could not chide her.
“They are most clever.” They were too clever, but I would try to persuade Vashti of this at another time, in another place in which Vashti did not sit naked smiling at me. “Now come, my queen—let me see how much work I must do to make you as clean as your pet wolves.”
* * *
After a week in which I could find no peace in either my thoughts or my dreams, I awoke to the fact that I was acting like a fool. I went to stand before my famed silver mirror and stared at my reflection.
Behold the Chief Eunuch of King Ahasuerus’s palace, third most powerful official in the empire. The respected and well-liked Chief Eunuch. Why are you throwing all this into the midden? And for what? For a desire I could not slake? Always, always I had kept my temper curbed, displayed a serene face to the world. Now my mood poisoned the whole Women’s Palace.
Very well, you are so out of temper even y
our dogs will not approach you. And what are you going to do about it?
Ah, I see. I silently thanked the Good God, and I did what I should have done a week ago. I went to Daniel and Samamat, who could always be relied upon for a clear-eyed examination of problems. And at the moment, I was a problem.
First, however, I devoted an hour to persuading Moon and Night, my beautiful Salukis, that I was myself again. I knew I had succeeded in calming my mind when the two dogs padded happily beside me to Daniel’s house. There they lay content in the sunlight as I unfolded my troubles to Daniel and Samamat. I began with the king’s hunt, and the wolf, and Queen Vashti’s defiance—
“Oh, yes, her pet wolves. I must go and see them. I wonder if they will grow to be just like dogs or will pine for the wild when they are grown.” Samamat, who loved dogs like a Persian, had settled herself on the ground beside Moon and Night and was stroking their silken ears.
“They seem content to remain with whoever feeds them at the moment.” I hesitated, then told of my unease upon seeing Vashti in her bath, swiftly, as if it were of little import. I did not miss the glance Samamat exchanged with Daniel as I hurried to explain I was designing a new bath for Vashti. “Of course it’s a great deal of work…”
“Well, it’s not as if you have to lay the tiles yourself, Hegai.” Samamat leaned her cheek on Moon’s sleek head. As if seeing her with new eyes, I realized her fair hair had silvered enough to match the Saluki’s moon-white coat.
Daniel regarded the Salukis speculatively, as if the dogs could provide him answers. “Tell me, Hegai, what do you think really troubles your mind and heart?”
“Truly, Daniel, I—well, of course Vashti is beautiful as a goddess, but I’ve always known that. Who would not admire her beauty?”
Daniel regarded me with that odd steady gaze that I found so impossible to decipher. “Hegai, what would you say to someone who came to you with the same story you just told me?”
I had to struggle to conceal my emotion. Anger. I wished that Commander Arioch were still alive to reprove Daniel for such exasperating serenity. Then Arioch’s voice seemed to echo in my mind, giving me words to speak aloud.
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