by Sam Crescent
Lacey ran her finger down the menu. Whizz merely watched her. He liked watching her, the way she moved or looked. During all the time he looked at her, he’d never seen a smile on her face when she was deep in thought.
The time he’d spent with her he knew she was a caring person. In The Skulls, she’d thrive around the children and people. Lacey was a naturally caring person. The club, when they gave her a chance, would see how loving she could be. Angel and Prue already liked her. When she let her guard down, Lacey was a likeable person.
“Do you want to have children?” he asked.
She jerked in her seat, glancing up at him. “Why are you asking me that?”
“I know what happened. I know you can’t have any.” She turned her head off into the distance. He saw the glistening of tears in her eyes. “I don’t mean to bring up something hard. I wanted to know more about you.”
Lacey didn’t answer any of his questions. She continued to look down the list on the menu. He noticed her fingers shook a little. Whizz was a patient man. He wanted to know more about the woman he’d fallen for.
“I think the eggs benedict will be good. I’ve never had that.”
“It’s a hollandaise sauce over poached egg on an English muffin.”
“I’ll have that with some bacon. What are you going to have?”
“I’m a simple guy. I’ll just have the pancakes.” He signaled the waitress, putting through their order. Whizz wished there was something for him to say to make life a little easier for Lacey. She didn’t have anything in life to look forward to. He’d taken so much from her, and yet there was nothing to give back. Those bastards had also taken from her. When had she not had something taken from her? The Savage Brothers needed to die. They were a menace and a danger to everyone, but in getting rid of them, he’d taken from her again.
The waitress left them in silence. Lacey’s hands were locked together in front of her. She didn’t pick up her coffee or make any move to prepare her drink by adding milk or sugar.
“When it happened I didn’t think it would matter. I woke up in the hospital, and the doctor was there telling me all these things that had happened. Dalton, he was there holding my hand. I remember thinking I couldn’t have kids, who cares. I was ten years old. Kids were the last thing on my mind.” He reached out to touch her hands. She stared at his hands but didn’t pull away. “As I got older and I started to realize what was taken from me, it started to hurt. I can’t have kids. I’ll never be able to experience that pleasure or pain, carrying and then birthing a child.” She grabbed a napkin and dabbed under her eyes.
His heart was breaking for her. Most of the women at the club knew what it was like to carry a baby and to give birth.
“It has been hard. I’m not going to lie and say it hasn’t. There are times I find myself wishing for a family. I think about the future, which is insane because I’m thirty years old. My younger days of planning the future are over. I’m not going to find anyone to settle down with. I can’t have kids. My life has been about revenge for so long. I don’t even know if I can join back up into the world of the living.” She shook her head. “I would have loved to have lived a normal life, going out to work, coming home to a husband and a couple of kids, or even staying at home being the wife.” Lacey pressed fingers to her temples. “I’m going insane. There are a lot of things I wish for, Whizz, but there are a lot of people who wish for the same kind of crap and don’t get it. I’m no different from all of those people.”
“You are different, Lacey. People get to have that dream at some point.” He thought about Rose. She couldn’t have children either. Whizz didn’t know why she couldn’t have children. Her life was falling apart, and she couldn’t even have children.
Lacey held his hand once again. “Whizz, I’m fine with being a little different. I’m used to it. If I could have kids I would have loved to have them. I love children. I love family. I get why Butch means so much to you. Family, they’re important. I see how The Skulls work. You’re a family, and no one can take that away from you.”
Whizz wanted to give her that family. How could he give a woman a family when she was incapable of getting one? He’d find a way. There was no way he was going to give up easily on his woman.
“Here you go.” The waitress placed their plates in front of them. “I hope you enjoy.”
They still held their hands even as their food sat between them.
“I’m hungry,” Lacey said.
He released her hand and watched her pick up her fork and knife.
“Is that why you tried to end it?” he asked, staring at her inner wrist. Ever since the truth had come out about who she was, she hadn’t tried to hide her scars from him or the ink that decorated her body.
“There were a lot of reasons to end it. I failed, and I couldn’t do it again.”
“Why not?”
She took a bite of her breakfast. He watched her chewing her food.
“Dalton.” She sucked in her bottom lip, nibbling on the plump flesh. “When I woke up in the hospital again, he told me the next time I tried, if I succeeded he’d join me. I couldn’t risk him losing his life. He had so much to live for. I wouldn’t try it again knowing he’d kill himself.” She twirled her fork on the plate. “I can’t believe I’m sitting here living while he’s dead.”
“Don’t think about it.”
****
Lacey hated the reminder of what had happened in the past. Yes, she wanted kids, lots of kids, but wanting and getting were two different things. She couldn’t have children. Over the last ten years she’d accepted her fate of being alone. There wasn’t any chance of her getting them, so she’d buried the need deep down in an attempt to forget about it. Dalton offered to adopt with her, be her partner. How could they have adopted a kid? They moved around faster than disease. Being with the Savage Brothers wasn’t the ideal environment to raise children. She’d turned him down. Lacey hadn’t wanted to share a kid with him. Dalton had been her friend, nothing more.
She should have seen sooner what the club was all about. The moment Gonzalez had ordered their deaths twenty years ago he’d sealed all of their fates. Two generations of families affected by one name, Gonzalez. Father and son, each man as evil as the other. The club had been infected like a disease with the need to have revenge. That very need for revenge had ended in a lot of death.
Was it too hard to move forward? Would she always be looking back with the guilt?
“How’s your food?”
Looking up, she stared into Whizz’s face. His beautiful dark eyes that were filled with light and dark, called to her. He’d been through a similar pain. Like him, she didn’t see what he’d been through. Lacey saw the man he was. He’d have made a brilliant father. She couldn’t give him children even if he wanted them with her.
“The food’s good.” She offered him a smile, which he returned with one of his own. “Did you want kids?”
Whizz blew out a breath. “I don’t know what I wanted. Kids were way off the mark for me. I liked to play. I’ve got an entire computer network set up in my room at the clubhouse. You’ve seen it. I’ve not thought about ever having kids.”
Lacey smiled, glancing down at her food. “Yeah, I expected to see an endless list of porn. I was quite surprised that there’s nothing on there.”
Darkness clouded his vision. The smile disappeared for the merest fraction of a second. If she hadn’t been watching him closely she wouldn’t have seen him withdraw from her. Lacey saw it, and it broke her heart. Whizz had a lot of secrets about his time, just like she did. She’d lied to Dalton in the past. She remembered everything that happened to her, the pain, the humiliation of it all. The man before her knew all about pain and trying to forget.
“I used to have a lot of porn.” He shrugged. She watched him move his pancake around his plate. “There were a lot of things I used to do.”
“Alan took it all away?” He winced at the name she spoke. She knew what that
was like. For the longest time she couldn’t bring herself to say the name Gonzalez or to hear it. Living with a club intent on revenge, she’d learned to get over her issues with hearing the name.
“Yeah, he took it all away.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” She wouldn’t judge him. Lacey knew more than most what it was like to think all the time about what happened.
Whizz was silent. She stared at him as he took a bite of pancake then swilled it down with some coffee.
“When it was over I thought I’d be able to handle everything that was thrown at me. It was hard. I had all these pains and aches from the torture that I needed to recover from.” He stopped talking to take another bite to eat. She kept eating, watching, and listening to him at the same time. “The boys visited me and for a short time I could forget about the reason I was stuck in hospital, but then I’d catch one of them staring at me. There wouldn’t be a look of disgust or pain on their faces. No, I saw the pity, and it would bring it all back.” He stared off in the distance somewhere past her shoulder. She knew what it was like to remember, to be jolted back to another time. Reaching over the table, she gripped his hand, offering him the comfort he needed. “Those times were the worst. They’d leave, and everywhere I turned I could see him. I knew he was dead, but it was like his ghost was everywhere I turned. I would listen to music to drown out his voice. I could hear him, see him, and know that he’d changed me. The bastard was dead, but he was right there in my head, taunting me.”
Whizz’s jaw tensed, and she saw him gritting his teeth.
Opening her hand, she locked her fingers with his, holding him as he finally released the truth for her to hear.
“He talked throughout it?”
“Everything he did to me he talked. I remember thinking it would be a hell of a lot better if he shut up. The silence would make it easier.” He stared into her eyes, and she saw the fear that he’d suffered. “For a long time I thought I was going crazy because of the voices I was hearing. I’d scream and start throwing shit around, trying to fight what wasn’t there. The nurses would have to come and sedate me throughout the night for me to sleep. I’d thrash around, tearing my stitches open, but the night terrors were the worst. I was back there, and it was all real again.”
“The sedation rarely helps,” she said. “You’re asleep, but the dreams are just groggy. You need to run but because of the drugs you can’t run fast enough.”
He nodded. “You were sedated?”
“I had to be.”
Whizz tightened his grip on her hand. “Yeah, I read your file. I know what happened.”
She smiled at his words. “The computer whizz at work.”
“It’s why I was named that.” He gave her a smile. “When I got back to the clubhouse, it wasn’t the same. Nothing was ever the same. Butch had left the club for Cheryl and his fear of hurting her. When I went to my room, it was all the same, yet I was different. The women, the club whores expected me to be the same. To fuck at the drop of a hat. I couldn’t. I couldn’t get hard, and I didn’t want anyone touching me. That was the hardest. Being in crowded rooms made me sick to my stomach. I stayed out of the way. It was easier to stay in my room than to leave it. My room offered me salvation while the open world took everything away.”
She remembered the crowded rooms and the touching. Lacey hated being touched. The only person she’d ever accepted touch from had been Dalton. Whizz was the one man she wanted his touch, craved his touch more than anything else.
“I didn’t drink. I couldn’t bring myself to drink as I hated the loss of control. I needed control. It was the one saving grace in my life. Drugs were out of the question. In the hospital I lived on the drugs even when I didn’t want them. The last thing I wanted to do was take them again. The world was groggy, but I was still alive.”
“So you worked out?”
“Yeah, working out helped me to focus my mind. I was no longer thinking about Alan but the club. I worked out. I got tired, and I was able to sleep. I got stronger. The stronger I got, the more chance I had of helping in the future.”
“You were strong in the first place, Whizz.” She knew he couldn’t have not been strong to get into The Skulls.
“I wasn’t strong enough to stop being taken.”
“You couldn’t have changed that. No one could.”
“Still, I made a change, and no fucker is going to get the better of me.”
Lacey nodded. She didn’t want to let him believe otherwise. It didn’t matter how strong he was. When it came to the drugs, he couldn’t fight their effects.
“What about the nightmares?”
“They never disappeared. Some nights I was able to work myself into falling asleep and sleeping so deeply that I didn’t dream. Other nights I wasn’t able to.”
“What happened?” she asked.
“I ended up sleeping with some of the couples within the club.” He started laughing. “God, I was a fucking mess. They’d allow me into their bed just to help me sleep.”
“Why are you smiling?” She found herself smiling along with him.
“Since you’ve been in my life the nightmares are few and far between. The past couple of nights, I’ve not dreamt about anything but you.”
She stared at their joined hands.
“You make me forget what happened. Do you still have nightmares?”
Lacey shook her head. “Not anymore. They stopped when I was around twenty-five, twenty-six. I don’t know what happened or why they stopped. I guess I kind of just grew out of it or got over it.” She shrugged. “It’s still new and raw for you. I’ve had the time to move on. You’re still fighting.”
“The nightmares are the worst.”
She shook her head. “They’re not the worst. You can always wake up from a dream. Living, that’s the worst. When you’re living and you’re gripped by fear it stops you from living, from connecting with other people.” She tucked some hair behind her ear. “You’re asleep for five to seven hours a day. The rest you’re spent awake, aware of everything around you. For me, that was the worst. I stared at everyone wondering what they were thinking, planning. You can’t get away from that kind of fear. At night, I was alone, and I could handle the dreams. I’d get a glass of water, sit and remember those men were not in my life. Sometime, Dalton would be there, and we’d talk. During the day, everyone was awake. You can never get away from the living.”
“I never saw it like that.”
“You had a family of your own who loved and cared about you.”
“So did you.”
Lacey shook her head. “They were not my real family. Until Gonzalez took out our parents I didn’t spend a lot of time at the club. Dalton wasn’t my friend. I don’t even think he liked me. We were thrust together like a bunch of orphans. We made do with each other.” That’s where they were different. Whizz had his family in The Skulls. She’d had to make do with the Savage Brothers. “It’s why I wanted to help Butch. I was with the club because I felt a duty to see it through. The revenge. Butch, he was part of the club, but he grew up and away from it all. Butch had some illogical need to help his past. In the end, he tried to stop us, though. He did give us the wrong information. I truly believe he was going to tell you the truth.”
“I’m working on getting Butch back within the club. I can’t guarantee that he’ll get the same kind of position he held, but he might still get his cut.”
“I’d really like to help with that. I would hate to think that I and the rest of the Savage Brothers took away his family.” She finished her breakfast. “I heard him arguing with Danny and Dalton, telling them revenge was pointless. I wished they’d listened to him.”
Butch had waited too long to get shit done with the club. He should have come to them when the Savage Brothers made their presence known. Lacey wished she’d talked to him away from Danny and Dalton. She might have been able to talk some sense to him. Lacey had seen Danny shoot him without any remorse. Whoever Danny�
�s contact had been in town had given him the true location of Gonzalez. She didn’t know who it was. Whizz took some notes out of his wallet and placed them on the counter. Together they made their way out toward his bike. She liked being beside him, facing the world together as a team.
“You could adopt,” Whizz said, handing her a helmet.
“Huh?”
“Children, you could adopt.”
Lacey started laughing. “I couldn’t adopt.”
“Why not?”
“I’ve got no home, no money, no background. I’ve got no career, or life to offer them. No one in their right mind would let me adopt a baby.” She made light of her situation. The truth, she was so damn hurt that it made her sick to her stomach. When Dalton offered, she turned him down, but she’d also done her research to see if it was an option. It wasn’t. It was hard to go through life craving something you could never have. Every option that had once been open to her over twenty years ago was shut down to her. When she left high school and went along with the Savage Brothers, she’d sealed her own fate in not being able to have what she wanted. The kids were lost to her.
“I could give you the home and the money. I’d stand by you, Lacey.”
Before putting the helmet on, she stared at Whizz. “Have you lost your mind?”
He held his hands out in a shrug. “I don’t know what I’ve lost, but I know what I’ve gained. There is no woman out there for me but you. You’re the only woman I want in my life, Lacey. I’d die for you, kill for you. The club knows I’m going to claim you and that’ll make you my old lady. If you want kids, a home, a family, say the word, and I’ll go out and get them for you.”
His words were bringing tears to her eyes. “You don’t mean that.” No one had ever done anything so selfless for her in her life.
“I do.” He reached out to cup her cheek. Before she could protest his lips brushed hers. The kiss wasn’t possessive or hard, yet it was filled with so much passion. “For you, Lacey, I will move heaven and earth to get what you want. Tell me what you want, and I’ll get it to you. You’re my woman. I’m not letting you go.”