by Mia Ford
I need to get out of here. I need to make an escape to leave. I already know that this is a waste of our time, but I can’t just do it without a good reason. He drove here, the food is on the table, I need to just suck it up.
It won’t be much longer, I remind myself. It’s going to be fine. He isn’t the weirdest.
He isn’t, that much is true, but he isn’t anywhere near the best either. There will never be a spark between us. Not like there is between Carter and I. Thomas isn’t the man who’s going to help me forget what Carter and I shared.
“So, have you won any awards?” Thomas asks, actually talking about me for just a moment. “I mean, I’ve won lots, like I said to you, and I suppose your business is a small one, but…”
“It’s growing,” I shoot back, indignantly. I am not about to be made to feel small for the size of my company. “I have worked freaking hard for it, and it’s growing all the time.”
He lets out a little snort. “Hmm, okay, I didn’t mean to piss you off with that remark.”
“I just don’t want anyone to belittle what I have worked so hard for.”
He rolls his eyes. He actually rolls his eyes at me. A flame of fury burns deep inside my soul. I scrape my chair backwards, about ready to leave, when Thomas reaches his hand out to me.
“Come on. Don’t be like that. It doesn’t need to get weird. I’m just trying to find out more about you.”
Am I being sensitive? I do feel like this whole mess with Carter is affecting me in ways that it shouldn’t. I’m jumping on anything that I can not to like him. Abbi would kick my ass for not at least giving him a chance. He might not seem perfect on a first date, but no one does. I’m sure I’m not at the best myself.
“Look, I just don’t like people to speak to me like that, okay?” I cock an eyebrow at him.
“Sure, sure, that’s fine. Let’s just carry on eating, shall we? Forget about all of this.”
“Are you going to treat me with a bit more respect?”
He grits his teeth. “Yes, of course I am. I’m not a child. I understand.”
Urgh, if only I had my own car. I knew this was a mistake. “Right, okay.”
“Let’s just start again. Forget any of that happened, okay?”
I do as he asks, but it isn’t long before he’s back to droning on about himself again. This is the place where he seems to be most comfortable, so it’s better to just leave him at it. I think it’s safe to say that I’m not ever going to see him again. No matter what Abbi says. I can keep her happy by letting her know that I will stick to the online dating and keep on trying. She didn’t meet Randall right away, so I need to continue trying.
At least the food is good, I think miserably to myself. It tastes better than take out…
But I would rather prefer eating take out alone. I would rather just be at home alone. Or actually, I would rather be in the office, shivering with anticipation, waiting to see if Carter is going to come and find me at my desk. I know that I told Abbi that I don’t want to complicate things by continuing to hook up with him, but maybe I do. That sure beats this. Through everything, we have an intense chemistry, a powerful sizzle. There is something there and it’s something that we can work on, build upon, and see where it goes…
“…she said I was the best sex that she’s ever had. That’s actually something I get a lot…”
I screw up my nose in disgust. How the hell did we end up on this topic? For goodness sake, I obviously don’t want to hear about how good other people think he is in bed. Even if I liked him, that wouldn’t change. I don’t know anyone who would find that attractive. It just makes my skin crawl.
Urgh, this needs to end now. I don’t know how much longer I can take it…
I breathe out a sigh of relief as we pull back up outside the office so I can pick up my car. I’m much more comfortable being dropped off here anyway. It’s bad enough that Thomas knows where I work. I don’t want him to know where I live as well. I don’t necessarily think that he’s dangerous. I just prefer to keep my privacy.
“Right, well thank you for…” I start. But I don’t get to finish that sentence because all of a sudden, his mouth is on mine. It’s unwelcome, and I think I might well have made that obvious throughout the night, but he’s going for it anyway. He’s kissing me and his hands are trying to work their way into my hair.
His lips are like a wet fish, all moist and disgusting. I don’t want any of this, but somehow, he has me pressed up against the window and I can’t escape. Urgh, what the fuck does Thomas think is going on here? Does he honestly believe that I like him at all? I try to shove him, to push him off, to get him away from me.
“Stop,” I grumble against his mouth, trying to twist my head. “Thomas, no!”
“What are you doing?” He falls backwards and glares at me. “Why are you acting like a bitch?”
I feel all red faced and hot. Like I want to scream. “Why? Because I don’t want to kiss you.”
“Because I bought you dinner. Because we had a good date…”
“Good date?” I exclaim in shock. “That was a good date to you? Are you serious?”
“What was wrong with it? Food was good, conversation was good…”
Oh wow. I can’t do anything with that. This guy genuinely believes that. I shake my head hard and slide closer to the door. I unclip it and I’m just about to slide out of the car before he stops me again.
“Are you really leaving? This is freaking ridiculous.”
“I’m sorry, Thomas. I don’t mean to offend you. The date was fine, but there isn’t any spark between us…”
“Spark? Who the fuck needs a spark for a shag?”
An ice cold revulsion washes through me. “That’s all I was to you?”
“What was I to you? You don’t seem like the sort of woman who wants more.”
“You are disgusting,” I sneer at him. “You are a pig. I thought that you were different, but you aren’t. I’m not that sort of woman. I tried with you, I wanted to get to know you, but it isn’t going to work out. I’m sorry that you can’t accept that.” He smirks at me. He actually smirks. “You know what, I’m done.”
“Good, because I’m done with you too. You’re all the same, you cock teases.”
“You’re acting like women are purely put on the planet for your pleasure.”
“Yeah, and you act like I should just be a cash cow, buying you dinner.”
“I wanted to pay half. You had to make a big show of buying it all.”
“Big show,” he scoffs. “Women don’t ever actually want to pay. That’s just a feminism thing.”
“Thank goodness you know all about feminism, and women in general. What would we do without you?” I growl. “Your understanding is the only thing that keeps us going.”
“I can’t have this conversation with a lesbian like you. Just get out of my car already. I don’t want you here.”
“Gladly.” I roll my eyes. “And just so you know, my sexuality is none of your business.”
“It is when I’m buying you dinner in the hope of getting some…”
“Whatever.” I roll my eyes. “You just carry on with that attitude.”
A sense of freedom overcomes me as the fresh air hits my face. Thank goodness I’m away from him. That’s the worst night that I’ve had in a very long time. Especially the end.
Thomas leans out from his window and yells something at me, but I miss exactly what it is because his car’s tires are screeching too hard on the ground. Thank goodness then he drives away at the speed of light, leaving me alone. I grab out my cell phone quickly and block him from the dating app, so he can never contact me again.
This is why I never give out my personal details. It’s just so much better.
With a deep sigh, I stare at the building in front of me. The office, where everything between Carter and me has happened. I suppose it hasn’t exactly been the greatest love affair in the world, it’s been more of just a hook up th
ing. I don’t really know anything about him, we haven’t dated or had anything romantic. It’s just been a thing. Yet… through all of that, I like him. I like him far more than Thomas, far more than any man who’s ever come before him. I like him way more than I should do.
“What am I going to do?” I mutter to myself. “What can I do with any of this?”
I could tell him that I like him, I suppose. I could be honest and be truthful. I could do the terrifying thing of laying my heart out on the line and see how he feels too. Yes, it might be awkward and make things uncomfortable, but I suppose it will all just be out there in the open.
Or, I could keep my feelings a secret and we could just continue to hook up every so often. That could be fun, if not very confusing. That would be the coward’s way out, but it might be the one that I take. I feel a bit burned at the moment, burned out with love, with lust, with all of it. Staying away from guys was easier.
17
Carter
I don’t want to go to work, not like this. I have giant bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep, I have stress lines all over my face, my suit doesn’t look right, I can still smell booze all over me… nothing is right, and it’s all because of Raelyn. Raelyn and her fucking fancy man that she’s chosen over me. Much as I understand it, the hangover isn’t helping me to be charitable today. I’m just in a shitty mood.
No, I didn’t manage to find anyone to take my mind off from her last night either. Every woman that I even looked at just reminded me of her, which is too damn painful for words. The drunker I got, the more they morphed into her which has pretty much left me with nothing. I’m all empty and hollow, yet full of rage too.
Ring, ring…
“Oh, fuck off,” I mutter. “I don’t want to talk to anyone right now.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
“Leave me alone. Whoever the fuck you are, I’m not in the mood.”
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
But the phone continues to ring. It isn’t going anywhere. The only thing I can do is answer it to shut it up.
“Hello?” I answer gruffly without even looking to see who it is. “Carter Lace speaking.”
“What are you talking about, Carter? I know who you are, I called you.”
“Mom.” Perfect, I do not need this right now. “What’s going on? I’m about to go to work.”
“I know, that’s why I called you. This is the best chance I have that you will actually answer. Any other time and you’ll ignore me. You know you do, before you deny it.” I roll my eyes but remain silent. “What’s wrong with you anyway? You sound sick. Is something going on that I need to know about?”
“I’m not sick, Mom. Just tired.” I won’t tell her that I’m hungover. She’ll just freak out. Not that having a drink is wild, but she’ll start to attach all kinds of meanings to it. Meanings that might be close to the truth.
“Right, sure. I don’t believe you, but if that’s what you want to tell me…”
“Is this important, Mom? I have a lot going on at the moment…”
“You always have a lot going on. That doesn’t change anything. You can still talk to me.”
I groan loudly. “Fine, Mom. What would you like to talk about? I’ll get dressed as we talk.”
“I want to talk to you about Raelyn. We didn’t get much of a chance to discuss her before, did we?”
I cannot fucking believe this. Is she serious? This is the absolute worst time for this call to come. Although I suppose it’s probably a good thing that I didn’t talk to her yesterday, when I was all full of love for the woman. I might have given Mom the wrong impression and then she would have been utterly feral about it.
“We said all that we need to say. I have nothing else to discuss about that woman.”
“That woman? Why are you speaking about her like that? She seems perfectly lovely to me. In fact, we had a perfectly lovely conversation and I think that she’s sweet and very smart, like I said to you…”
“Well, she isn’t.” The image of her with that man kills me again. Him opening the car door for her, being near her, making her laugh, giving her enjoyment that I can’t, learning about her life like I never did… urgh, it’s just so damn hard. I hate that I’m even thinking about this at all. “She’s horrible. She’s nasty.”
“Horrible? No, there’s no way she’s horrible. I spoke to her about all sorts of things…”
“Oh, and you are such a perfect judge of character, are you? Don’t give me that, Mom.”
Mom is silent for a beat too long before she answers me. “What has gotten into you? What’s happened?”
“Nothing has happened. I’m just going to work. I don’t have time for this. Nor do I have the patience.”
“I don’t believe you. I want you to explain it to me. I’m your mother, I know you better than you think I do. I also have your best interest at heart and I want to help you if I can.”
I yank the phone away from my ear and rub my forehead hard. I can’t stand this; it’s going to kill me in a moment. It’s bad enough that I can’t escape Raelyn easily, I don’t need to talk about her as well.
“Mom, I’m explaining nothing. I’m leaving. I will talk to you another time.”
She tries to talk to me some more, but I’ve already hung up. She’ll give me hell for being rude later, I know she will. She won’t let me get away with that easily. But that’s an issue for later on, a problem for the future. For now, I just need to have tunnel vision. To just get through this day. This horrible, nasty, painful day that might just finish me off. I haven’t even got to the office yet and I feel it tearing me apart.
I grab my car keys and head out the door, the rage now inflamed and burning brightly. I so wish that my mother would just keep out of my business. It’s annoying that she’s so obsessed with my love life. Even if I understand this, I get that she just wants me to be happy, but it’s my choice, and my opinion was right. My gut instinct was the one that I should have followed, but stupidly, I did none of that. I allowed myself to act foolish.
Instead, I allowed myself to be open and vulnerable, I exposed myself to pain and that’s exactly what I got. A deep seated agony that isn’t going anywhere, especially not today of all days.
I park up, not in the space I was in last night, and I force myself out of the car. It’s killer, I can feel it aching my joints, but I’m not going to show even a scrap of weakness today. I can’t. I guess looking rough isn’t helpful, but I can bypass that. Somehow. It’ll be fine… mostly because it has to be.
Come on, I warn myself. Just do this. The first moment will be the hardest.
The first time I see Raelyn and our eyes lock together, it will kill me. I’ll know and she will too. Unless she’s already known all this time. Maybe this guy is someone that she’s been with throughout. A boyfriend, or at least a guy she’s dating. It would be pretty weird to have a first date pick you up from the office. Oh God, is it the other way around this time? Am I the other person in this scenario? Is that why she ran away the first time around? Because of guilt rather than the fear that it’ll become complicated. I can’t be blamed because I didn’t know, but it still feels shitty. How the hell could Daniel do this to me with no guilt whatsoever? What sort of psychopath would do that? And he was my best friend, the person that I was closest to at the time. Not a stranger.
I duck my head down and make my way inside, thinking only about Daniel as I go. It helps to block everyone else out and allows me to get into my office without being disturbed by anyone. Particularly her.
I lock the door behind me and slide into my chair, grateful to have made it this far. I can hear everyone talking outside and some of them mention me, not that I can hear enough to know what they’re saying, but I’m not going out there. I’m going to spend the time getting everything I need to do here.
“Is Carter in there?” Oh God, it’s Raelyn. She’s right outside the door. Just what I don’t need. “Did you see him?”
>
“Er, I don’t know to be honest,” Gary replies. “I haven’t see him so far. He might be.”
Whether he’s just being loyal and he can see that I don’t need visitors, or that’s the truth, I don’t know, but I’m grateful all the same. That answer means I can get away with hiding for a little while longer.
“I’ll just knock,” Raelyn continues. “There’s something I want to discuss with him.”
Either this is going to be her brazen faced lying to me, acting like everything is normal and there isn’t anything going on… or she’ll tell me that she’s met someone else which I don’t want to hear right now. So, when she knocks, I ignore her. I remain as quiet as I can and silently pray that no one gives me away.
She knocks for a while, but eventually gives up and goes back to her own office to leave me alone. I won’t be able to get away with this forever. Soon I will have to face this, whether I like it or not…
Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
“Fuck.” At first, I think this is going to be Raelyn calling me, because she couldn’t find me in the office, but it isn’t. It’s a number that I don’t recognize, which means it could be a business call.
It’s time to get in to work mode, to remember what I’m doing here.
“Hello, Carter Lace speaking.”
“C… Carter?” It’s a woman and she’s sobbing. I sit up straighter, my brain desperately trying to place this person. “C… C… Carter, I need to… to speak to you. To… to see you.”
“Anna?” Is this for real? Am I in some sort of a nightmare here?