by Lila Felix
Ash
I swore to myself that I wouldn’t let the situation between Stephanie and Oz bleed out onto Breaker and me, but some things just cannot be helped.
It made me sound like such a weakling to admit it, but this insecurity thing between us was heartbreaking and aggravating as shit. I think we realized it more this semester with both of us having such weird schedules.
No, it wasn’t even between us—it was deep down inside of me.
It was one thing when I was with him nearly twenty four hours a day. And then it was a whole different scenario in that honeymoon phase after he’d gone through all the therapy and everything was new. We could really date then and it was wonderful to see the world through the eyes of the man I loved.
But love doesn’t prove itself through the beginning of the relationship, or even through those butterfly times—it proves itself through the everyday, hard life struggles.
In most instances, I was strong—I could handle anything. But something about Breaker James—well, broke me. I guess that’s the other tough thing about love—it exposes your weaknesses and shines a spotlight on them.
Apparently one of my weaknesses was feeling like Breaker didn’t need me anymore.
That his need for me in his life had come and gone.
Expired.
Fizzled to nothing.
The dynamic in our relationship had changed so drastically. It was like watching a bird being set free. You get used to caring for them and being the only person they rely on, but before you know it, it’s time to set them free.
And when birds are set free, sometimes they never come back to you.
That was my greatest fear with Breaker. I’d been the one who was there to help crack him from his cage. I’d taken care of him and helped him see that the way he was living wasn’t living at all. He relied on me solely.
It was a heady feeling.
That was all gone now.
It was like we had to start everything over. I knew the core of him, sure, but I didn’t know Breaker outside of his home.
Then there was the whole—oh my God, my guy is so hot, look at all the girls ogling him like he’s covered in chocolate. I mean, I knew he was hot—don’t get me wrong. But it was easy for him to be hot when no one else saw him. I nearly clawed the eyes out of a waitress one night when she was openly flirting with him.
I never knew I was so insecure.
I sure as hell knew now.
So when Breaker ignored whatever text that came in that night and just threw his phone on the table, that little bitch, Jealousy, fluttered her wings and nudged me.
Don’t let it bleed into us.
Don’t’ let it bleed into us.
You are not Stephanie.
And Breaker is not Oz.
“What’s wrong, baby,” Breaker asked.
“Nothing. Do you need to get that text?”
“Nah, I don’t want anything to interrupt us. I feel like I haven’t seen you in weeks.”
“Okay,” I said. “I’m done. You want to go to bed?”
He smiled, “You go ahead. I’ll clean up. Take a bath, relax.”
We both stood and I grabbed the front of his shirt, “Don’t take too long.”
“Oh trust me, I won’t.”
I went upstairs and ran a hot bath. I had to purge myself of these thoughts.
Breaker came up later and I was still in the bath. He didn’t come into the bathroom, but simply knocked on the door and asked if I was okay. I gave him a yes and then I heard the music come on.
I finished up in the bath and then opened the doors as I combed out my hair, just to let some of the steam out. Covered in a towel, I propped one leg up on the sink and began to smooth milk and honey lotion on my legs. I heard Breaker come in and I watched him in the reflection—watching me. It’s an exhilarating feeling to watch the one you love observe you. His right hand gripped the doorframe like he was handcuffed to it, he used it as his prop for restraint.
“May I,” he queried.
“May you what?”
He walked over to me and my stomach buzzed with anticipation. I knew this look. Breaker James almost looked growly when he had me on his mind. His eyes were possessive, his gait stalking and dangerous. It was like being the last snowball of the summer.
Breaker James loved snowballs.
He took the lotion from my hands and handed me my robe from the hook beside him. I put it on and removed the towel from underneath. I still didn’t know what his intentions were—but I knew what mine entailed. He grabbed my waist and hoisted me onto the countertop. I could feel my chest heaving at his nearness. Just his proximity was making me breathless—it was almost more than I could bear.
“Which leg did you already do?” He asked in an equally breathless tone.
“Hell if I know. I can’t even remember my name right now.”
He was standing between my legs and I could feel the rumble of his chuckles in my thighs. This was my Breaker—able to light my fire with just a reflective stare or a rumbly laugh.
“Well, then, I’ll just have to do both.”
My breath hitched in my throat at just the thought. Yes, we could make out like two crazed wombats, but these little moments, these intimate things were what solidified us.
I was a fool to think otherwise.
I was an idiot to let the problems of others weave their way into my heart.
Breaker was breaking me again.
God, it felt beautiful to be broken.
He took my foot in his hand and kissed the instep lightly. It tickled so badly, but I tried to contain it. He rubbed lotion from toes to my knees with strong, patient strokes. The callous of his hands coupled with his strength made for the leg massage of a lifetime. It was driving me mad—in the best way possible. Another thing I loved about Breaker—he knew how far to go. We’d talked about things—things like waiting until we were married to have sex. I’d never wanted it any other way and he accepted it without the slightest of argument or rebellion. I never had to stop him. I didn’t have to make him slow down or set boundaries. He set his own boundaries and never overstepped them—because he respected my decision in theory and in practice. It made me love him even more.
After every part of my legs and feet were moisturized, he began a slow pacing torture. He placed feather light pecks along the inside of my leg until he reached my upper thigh. I could feel every part of me come alive with that one devastating path. His fingers dug into my calves, almost tethering him from going further. Although in my mind it was impossible, I wanted Breaker more and more every day. And when he did sweet things like this, it made it even harder to keep my resolve. But I knew he’d never let me falter on it. He’d save me from myself, if need be.
And right now, he might need to save me from eating him alive.
“Just marry me already,” I whispered, unable to conjure my real voice.
“Aw, baby I would, trust me. I’d fly you to Vegas in a heartbeat, if it wasn’t for that pesky little promise I made to your dad.”
I groaned, “I know, I know, graduate first, then get married.”
“Yes ma’am. But if the choice was mine alone, you’d be Mrs. Collins by now. I’d still make sure you finished school, regardless. I am glad the feeling is mutual though.”
He grabbed my backside with hot and needy hands and slid my body towards him so that my legs could cross around his waist. I could feel the heat between us from my head to my feet. It did nothing to help that angst in my belly. He ran one finger inside the collar of my robe and I shivered at the feeling. I tried to close the gap between us by grabbing his face and pulling him down to my mouth, but he stopped me.
“Can’t take the anticipation?”
“Hell no, I’m about to implode over here.”
The hand still on my backside squeezed, “I kinda like it. It’s nice to see you become a mess for once instead of me. I feel like I’m always the one on the brink of breaking my promise.”
&
nbsp; My hands found his waist, under his shirt, “I’m pretty sure that’s always me.”
I began to scratch his back while we were stagnant at that impasse, both of us content to be equally enthralled with the other.
“Ok, now I need a shower.”
I giggled a he released me and made his way to the walk in shower. He surprised me with his brazenness by shucking his clothes right in front of me, without a hint of remorse. I left the bathroom, leaving him to his cold shower while I got my pajamas on and got into bed. I checked my phone and had a slew of messages from Stephanie. They were a gradient that went from apologies to hating me again and back to apologies. It ended with a sad face and a request to call her.
I called while Breaker was still in the shower and we made amends. Stephanie was a fantastic friend eighty percent of the time—the other part she was a real handful. But then again, no one was perfect.
I grabbed my latest book and sat up against the headboard. Breaker came in later, only in boxers that stuck out a little from his pajama pants.
“See something you like?”
“The whole package,” his eyebrows shot up, “I don’t mean the package. I just meant all of you. Good grief.”
We both laughed at that one until there were tears rolling down my face.
“Are you sleepy,” he asked flopping onto the bed next to me.
“Not really, are you?”
“Yeah, actually I am. Wanna use that beautiful voice to lull me to sleep?”
“I guess I could do that,” I played with him. He sat next to me in the same posture, spread his legs and patted the space between them. I moved over and sat in that V he made for me and leaned my back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me even tauter against him.
“Have you read more since the other day or are we still with the Highlander, throwing his weight around.”
“I haven’t read any more. He’s still being a douche.”
He laughed and it jolted us both, “Continue then, my love.”
It did something wicked to me to hear him call me that.
Breaker
Wednesday morning after Ash left, I headed off to school. I saw Oz in between classes and stopped to talk to him a little. Regardless of his stance that he wasn’t going to cave to Stephanie’s whims, he looked a mess. He was disheveled, which wasn’t normal for Oz.
He claimed to be okay, and after making me promise not to tell Stephanie of his frazzled state, I proceeded to class. Astronomy was a small class and usually I sat in the same spot every time. I sat in the back, hoping the teacher didn’t notice my ever falling posture as the class progressed.
“Hey, Breaker, right?”
A girl with black hair and legs for days sat next to me.
“Yeah, I’m sorry, what’s your name?”
Even this little interaction made my chest tighten a tiny bit. I wondered if I’d ever really not have that feeling. I wondered if it would always be like that.
“Eva. I emailed you the other day?”
“Oh, yeah, how can I help?”
She groaned dramatically, “Ugh, this class is so hard. I can’t even answer half of the questions on the study guide. Did you already get that done?”
“Um, yeah, last week.”
“Oh, well, I texted you last night, hoping you could meet me at the library sometime this weekend.”
I didn’t like this one bit. There were two very distinct reasons I didn’t like this situation and it had nothing to do with anything sensible. Number one, the library was still a place of disdain for me. There were lots of people and tight spaces. I could do it, but it was a little unnerving. And number two, I didn’t know this girl. I could handle everyday conversation, but all this making plans and being sociable made me a little squirmy.
I was like the Grinch, but a little bulkier.
“Are you sure the TA said I could help?”
“Yes, he recommended you specifically.”
“Well, I guess I could. I’ll call and reserve a study room.”
“Oh,” she reached out and touched my arm, “I’ll do it. Don’t worry. That would be fantastic.”
I bounced my knee, not entirely comfortable with her touching me, or any stranger touching me in general.
“Yeah, well, is noon okay?”
“Sure. Noon is fine.”
“Great,” I said. But it wasn’t really great.
The rest of the class, she stared at me off and on. And I’m no ego maniac. In fact, I’m pretty sure, if one was judging by past events, that I was the opposite of egotistical. But the girl was staring at me. I felt along my face once or twice for some offensive matter or something, but came back empty.
Class was dismissed and I gathered my things, ready to get out of there and away from Eva. Unfortunately, she gathered her things just as quickly and kept pace with me as I went down the hall. She touched my arm again and it was all I could do in the crowds of people not to wretch it away from her and run.
“You must work out,” she cooed at me.
I wanted to pick her up and give her to someone else. ‘Here, take this flirty girl. She’s irritating the shit out of me.’
“Um, yeah, my girlfriend loves the guns.”
There, that should throw her off.
“Mmmm…she’s not the only one,” she said, squeezing my bicep again.
If I were with Ash, I would reach into her purse and pull out her tiny antibacterial gel.
“I’m going this way,” I said and suddenly jackknifed out a side door and outside. Ash was going to get such a kick out of this.
Ash spent the night again and as we got ready for bed, brushing out teeth side by side, I laughed as I recalled Eva and her displaced flirting. Or maybe it wasn’t flirting. Maybe it was me and a bad case of displaced ego.
I decided to let Ash make the call.
I spit into the sink and put my toothbrush down. Damn, she was even sexy when she brushed her teeth. She kept turning this way and that, checking herself out while she cleaned her teeth. She always did that when she was brushing her teeth or waiting for one of those nose strip things to dry.
“There’s no effing way I check you out as much as you check yourself out,” I said, teasing her while I leaned against the wall with my arms crossed.
“Any day now, all those cheeseburgers I eat are gonna start showing up on my ass. You just wait. I’m just making sure everything is in the right place.”
“Oh, it’s all in the right places, in the right proportions,” I turned my head to get a better look at my favorite part of her, “Just perfect.”
She rinsed her toothbrush and laughed, looking at me in the mirror.
“You’re so romantic tonight, Your Highness,” she snickered.
“I can’t help myself. Brushing your teeth just gets me going.”
“Quit.”
“I have to tell you about this girl in my class.”
She noticeably bristled, “Do tell.”
We walked into the bedroom and got in bed and I told her the whole story.
“So what did that feel like,” she prompted. It scared me the way she drug the words out.
I shrugged, “It felt off. I wanted to run to the nearest closet and hide until she’d gone away. But I guess it’s good practice. I mean, sooner or later someone is gonna touch me or flirt with me, right?”
“Yeah,” she mumbled. We watched TV for the rest of the night and I laughed at something on a show, expecting Ash to laugh with me, but instead found she’d turned on her side and already gone to sleep.
Ash
I had issues, like serious mental issues. Because the moment Breaker began to talk to me about Eva, not only did I picture a girl who looked like Eva Mendes, but one of Stephanie’s outrageous claims from the other night screamed at me.
Just you wait, it’s gonna happen to you too.
I convinced myself of several things while Breaker was talking to me that night. The first, I trust Break
er—I really do. It’s the female hounds around him and their devious ways that I don’t trust. And I had to have complete faith in that trust in Breaker.
Easier said than done.
The second was my brain’s revelation about the whole thing. Boys didn’t come home and brag to their girlfriends about the girls they intended to cheat with. They just didn’t. Okay, maybe some really sneaky, slimy ones would, but Breaker just wasn’t that awesome at being sneaky. I recalled the first time I really cleaned the living room and he sat on the balcony thinking he was so sly, just checking me out the whole time. Yeah, the boy didn’t have a slippery bone in his body.
The third was that this whole thing was just waiting like a slow rising yeast, ready to bubble up given the right food and the right settings. I’d been insecure about Breaker coming out into the world for a long time.
Example: we went to the grocery store one day—just regular shopping. Breaker was getting his regular die hard healthy crap and I was trying to sneak a bag of Milano cookies into the cart. We must’ve chased each other around that store for twenty minutes. I didn’t care who he was, no one, and I mean no one, comes between me and my cookies. Finally he caught up with me, and we playfully struggled near an end cap. I saw a girl behind Breaker, practically drooling, openly watching us. And then I did the most childish thing ever. I grabbed his face and practically swallowed him whole right there in front of God and everybody—including the drooler.
The girl got the point, but it was truly childish.
And the fourth thing, Stephanie’s words had added sugar to my yeast, making it foam up and wreak havoc.
I looked down at him the next morning after his confession and prayed for the strength to get past my petty nuances and just love him. We’d fought so hard for each other, there was no way I was gonna let this divide us.
I made myself flush with his body, which was turned towards me, taking full advantage of his sleepiness. I began with his neck, marking him as mine with light pecks until I got to his chest. My hips jolted once of their own want and it woke him instantly.
“You are playing with fire, woman,” he groaned into my hair.
“I like fire,” I breathed against his pecs.
“And I like the ability to live. As in, your dad would amputate me and hang me like meat until I bled dry.”