by Keyi Sheng
‘I don’t believe you. As soon as I touch you, you’re wet. That surely means something. I don’t believe you don’t love me.’
‘Sometimes, all it takes is seeing a carrot, and I’m wet. But I don’t love carrots.’
And with that, Yihua put her chopsticks down. She had had enough.
My sister went to the detention centre, taking clothing and other daily articles for Zhima. Zhima could not stop crying. If he had known how things were in here earlier on, he would have never driven the bamboo stick into that fellow’s throat. Shunqiu had brought them the news at the wrong time. If he had missed the time by just a little, Zhima not only could see his younger daughter one last time, but could also weep to his heart’s content, and finally bury her himself. When Zhima thought back on things, he remembered that he had had a strange anxiety that morning. His hand had slipped, and he had broken a bowl. He was very superstitious. He wanted to take the day off, but my sister called him ‘lazy bones’ and said he was returning to his old ways.
Chuntian was full of regret, too. She had disregarded Zhima, not listening to his sense of foreboding. Zhima was like a black crow, with the air of a sorcerer about him. The night before their son died, he had had a bloody dream. Ever since then, he had paid special attention to his intuition. When he felt a stirring, he would stop to test the wind direction, pondering carefully before he made a move. He stuck out his sensitive tentacles as he crawled around every day. The facts had proven that he did not, in fact, escape catastrophe, even though he had done all that. He had been sentenced to death for murder.
He felt this was unfair. In court, he had cried, ‘They started the fight. It was four against one.’
He showed the judge his teeth. ‘Look, they knocked out my front teeth.’
He even raised up his shirt and acted like he was pointing at the acupuncture points. ‘Here, here, it’s still painful. They hit me over and over with rubber batons. I’ve been wanting to massage them with saffron oil.’
The judge pounded his gavel, the long wings on both sides of his cap shaking. ‘If you want to appeal the decision, the petition must be submitted within ten days from the day the court verdict has been received. If it is a written appeal, you must submit an original copy, along with two photocopies. This court is adjourned.’
‘I refuse to accept the decision! They had weapons! There were four of them! Of course, I can’t accept. . .’
The judge stood up and left the courtroom. Zhima continued to shout, his eyes searching all around him, looking everywhere for the gigantic drum of injustice. It was like he was part of a period drama, beating on the drum to draw out the legendary hero Justice Bao.
The gallery was mostly empty. The faces of the court workers and few spectators were expressionless.
On the wall, there hung a sign reading, Leniency for those who confess their crimes.
Zhima was deeply disappointed. He obediently stretched out his hands, and was handcuffed and escorted from the room.
*
When my sister went to see Zhima, she had to talk to him through a glass panel. As soon as he saw her, Zhima started to cry. He said, ‘I don’t want to die. I like putting out our kebab stall every day, working and chatting with our customers. The most exciting part was watching you count money behind closed doors each night. I’ve lived so long, but I’m just now starting to find a little meaning to my life. I don’t want to die.’
Zhima dried the tears from his face and went on, ‘There were four of them fighting me. I’m not satisfied. I want to appeal. Even if I die, you’ve got to continue to appeal.’
Chuntian thought, then said, ‘Lawyers are too expensive. We can’t afford one. Cheap ones are just puppets. It’s like throwing money away if you hire them. From the time you were picked up, I’ve pooled all the money we earned together. Even so, I only managed to scrape together such a small sum.’
‘Yihua didn’t send money back?’ Zhima asked.
‘She’s paying a lot to maintain herself outside. Living on her own in another place, and we never sent money to help her. . . it’s best we don’t add to her burden. I’ve only got one daughter left.’
‘You’re already treating me as dead?’ Zhima was stunned. ‘You really wish me to die?’
‘You and I are both partly responsible for what happened to Yicao.’ My sister was like a yoked ox, slowing pulling the weight behind her. ‘I don’t want you to die, but the law won’t listen to me.’
Zhima bowed his head in despair. His face was covered with snot and tears. He pleaded with my sister, ‘Chuntian, find a lawyer for me. No matter what, you’ve got to find a lawyer for me. Oh yeah – isn’t Sun Xiangxi a lawyer? Get him. You’re close to him. He won’t charge you anything.’
Chuntian was secretly startled. It seemed Zhima had known everything all along. It was the first time she realised her husband was actually quite shrewd and deep.
‘I do know Sun. . . I’ll ask, but I can’t say for sure that he’ll help.’ Now that Zhima had brought Sun out of the shadows, Chuntian felt a huge moral weight on her. She was both ashamed and angry.
‘People should consider their sentiments. If he wouldn’t help you with this little favour, doesn’t that mean you’ve slept with him for nothing?’ Zhima said, taking an even more direct approach.
Chuntian’s face tightened, and she pursed her lips as tightly as a chicken’s arse. ‘Don’t talk like that. It wasn’t like that.’
‘Then what was it like? He didn’t sleep with you? Right. . .’ He laughed. ‘I know all about your affairs.’
My sister gritted her teeth. ‘I’ll go back and see what I can do.’
‘If he doesn’t agree to help, tell him you’ll sue him for rape,’ Zhima lowered his voice as he made suggestions. ‘He won’t risk his delicate flesh.’
Chuntian looked at her man in amazement.
‘. . . Also, if he’s willing to give you money instead, that’s fine. Collect 500 yuan for each time he slept with you. That should be not less than a hundred times, right? That should be enough money to hire a lawyer even more reputable than Sun.’
She said nothing.
‘After that, if you want to divorce me and be with him, I won’t object at all. . .’
Chuntian threw a hard slap toward Zhima’s face. The pop was loud, and the glass tremoured.
*
My sister did not want to bother about Zhima. She wanted to tear his despicable face to bits in that instant. Her heart softened, then hardened, sometimes sad, sometimes angry. She moved her feet woodenly, leaving the prison and starting to make her way home.
The world was dry, like an empty teacup, and she could see the residue at the bottom of it.
Her legs grew increasingly tired. She stopped and leaned against a camphor tree for a while. She heard Sun’s voice echoing in her ear, If you start to regret your decision, you can always come back to me. I’ll be here.
A little warmth oozed into her heart. If she didn’t ask him for help, what could she do?
What took her by surprise was Sun’s affected tone. There was no gentleness; he was cold and meant business.
A woman’s whining voice came over the phone.
‘Take it as me begging you. In any case, save his life.’
An image came into her mind, of a naked woman on a bed. She struggled to get those words out, her hand shaking lightly.
‘I’ve been very busy lately. I can’t help now. I’ve got to go to Guangzhou tomorrow for a business trip. Let me remind you, in cases like Liu Zhima’s, there isn’t much hope.’
Chuntian suddenly increased her volume, ‘Sun, is the woman you’re fucking now as stupid as me?’
‘You’re welcome. Give me a call again when you’re free.’ Sun hung up.
Her mind was a complete blank, snowy white under the glare of a thousand-watt lightbulb.
Shui Qin had become a familiar face at the hospital. Every time she went for treatment, there would always be doctors who greeted her wi
th, ‘Oh you’re here’ and ‘You’re looking well,’ and other similar courtesies, as if Shui Qin were their colleague.
Looking well? They were just being polite. She saw herself in the mirror every morning and saw her skin growing darker and gloomier every day, and the number of spots increasing. Her eyes had no spark, and there was a dull pain in her lower abdomen. She knew her body better than the doctors did, and she was prepared for the worst.
Recently, the pain had increased. She had endured it until her next checkup and test. Then she was told that the tumour had grown and was spreading. Even a radical hysterectomy might not be enough to take care of it now. On this day alone, there had been dozens of patients admitted for uterine or ovarian cancer, so many, in fact, that beds had to be brought in and placed in the corridor. The doctors were so overwhelmed that they did not wait to determine whether it was necessary to remove each uterus, but just removed all. The surgery cost at least 10000 yuan.
A woman without a uterus was like a bedroom without a bed. The emptiness would be disturbing. If a woman did not have a uterus, she was like an abyss, both physically and emotionally.
Shui Qin left the overcrowded hospital, giving up her bed there for someone who had more hope of recovery.
Having had past experience, life and death were no longer a blow to Shui Qin. Her heart felt like a stone finally falling to the ground. At last, she did not have to give her money to the hospital. She would not have to spend time in desperate struggle anymore. Sometimes, hope was more torturous than despair.
Shui Qin heard the happy clacking sound of the sewing machine as she fell into a trance. It was like she was hopping between the twin worlds of yin and yang. Thinking about her present life, about the mysterious underworld, about her relatives and friends, in this trance she inadvertently walked towards Xianxian’s school. The iron gate was closed; it was school hours. She looked through the iron rails. In the past, when she was always busy at the tailor shop, she seldom came to Xianxian’s school. She had always been proud of Xianxian. Ever since the girl was small, she had been very independent, not needing anyone to take her to school or pick her up. Other children would skip school and go to an internet cafe, but would she sneak online without approval? Xianxian had taken in all the ideals her mother tried to instil. She was clever and got good results, giving her parents peace of mind.
It occurred to her that she had not spent enough time with Xianxian. She had not even taken the time to go with her daughter to fly kites by the river. Now she had so many things she wanted to do with Xianxian, including bringing her to Beijing to see the Forbidden City, Tian’anmen Square, and the Great Wall. She wanted to bring Xianxian to Tibet and climb the snowy peaks there, meet the lamas, and experience all of its snowy charm.
Shui Qin wiped her eyes. Having lived to this age, she had never been so sad. In her mind, she saw a grassland green and vast, with the sun rising over the horizon. The sky was a radiant glow, and she was running non-stop towards the sun – but suddenly she was shrouded in dark clouds, the grassland turned grey, and in the distance all she could see was a dark abyss.
A needle slowly pierced her flesh, and it hurt. The pain spread through her chest, flowing to her lower abdomen, ultimately settling in the uterus. The countless needles formed into a steel knife. Her uterus was a vast farmland. The knife grew into a plough and cut deep and endlessly into the land. She clenched the railing and bent over, as if looking for something on the ground.
Suddenly, the bell rang and the students flooded out, breaking her trance.
The iron gate swung open automatically. Shui Qin followed the gate as it swung toward the wall. She raised her head, but remained hunched. It was an awkward posture.
Xianxian came out. She looked like she had not got over some unhappiness that must have arisen at school.
Shui Qin called her, and forced herself to straighten her body.
Xianxian was caught off guard.
‘What are you doing here?’
‘I was passing by. Let’s go to a restaurant. What do you want to eat?’
‘Didn’t you say we should eat at home? It’s more hygienic, and we can save money.’
‘Just for a change of taste.’
‘You can stand to spend the money?’
‘Xianxian, I was too harsh towards you all before. You’re right. I used to be a miser.’
‘Pa is harder on himself. He picks up other people’s discarded cigarette butts from the street to smoke. Sometimes it puts a lot of mental pressure on me.’
Shui Qin hid her surprise. She forgot her pain for a moment.
‘I study hard, and I don’t participate in extracurricular activities. I don’t play with other students, and I don’t go online. My classmates call me Freak.’
Shui Qin lowered her head, as if looking for something. She felt deep regret. For so many years, she had actually imprisoned her daughter. She had put a life plan in place, but it was like a huge prison cell, depriving her daughter of her free nature. She had imposed too much on the girl. She was not a good mother or a good wife. She was just a cold, rigid housekeeper, chief of a machine, keeping the machinery of home running steadily.
‘. . . but I don’t care what they call me. We’ll see who will have the last laugh.’ Xianxian had grown up strong amid the discrimination of city people towards village folk.
With some difficulty, Shui Qin smiled. She was comforted, but also a little worried. If one sought to prevail over others, it would only bring more suffering to oneself. This she knew from deep experience.
‘Are we really going out to eat?’ Xianxian asked.
‘Of course.’
‘Then I’ll tell you what I really want. I want. . . Yang’s spicy crawfish, grilled carp, fried snails, stewed chicken feet. . .’
‘OK, OK. Let’s go to Yang’s.’
‘What about Pa?’
‘Call him.’
Xianxian took out her phone, hesitated for a long while, then said, ‘I want to show you a photo.’
She flipped through her phone, then held it up in front of Shui Qin.
Shui Qin looked, and her heart was like a tiny boat floating on the surface of the water. The sudden added weight made it sink a little deeper.
Although the resolution was not high, and it was the side view, it was night, and the lighting was dim, but an acquaintance would recognise her at first glance. She was half squatting, giving a customer a blow job.
‘Where did you come across something like this?’ she asked, pretending to be calm.
‘My classmates took the photo,’ Xianxian said, taking her phone back. ‘They didn’t know it was you.’
Shui Qin remained silent.
‘I don’t want to use such dirty money to go abroad.’
Shui Qin was stunned.
‘You’ll do anything to realise your own ambitions.’
‘My own ambitions?’
‘You mean I’m wrong? Going overseas to study, distinguishing oneself – that’s your dream. I’m just a tool for achieving it.’
Shui Qin could not say anything. Her lower abdomen was starting to ache once more.
‘You’re ruthless to everyone, including yourself.’
‘Don’t speak to me in that tone. I’m your mother.’ Shui Qin put forward the dignity of a mother.
‘I wish you weren’t.’
Shui Qin raised a hand but did not slap her. Her hand remained in the air for two seconds, then dropped.
She did not say anything else. Sadly, she turned and walked away, alone.
My diligent brother changed jobs again. Every day, he donned a yellow jacket with fluorescent stripes and stood on the sprinkler truck. Using a water gun, he watered and fertilized green belts around the city, or sprayed insecticide. Sometimes he carried a garbage can and cleaned advertisements stuck to poles or walls. He liked the job. When it came down to it, he liked working outdoors, especially early in the morning when it was quiet. In the gentle breeze, he woke the sleeping str
eet, like waking a child, washing her face, and helping her dress, then watching her happily bounce off into the crowd. It was a pleasant feeling.
He had nothing much on his mind. He had work to do, and he was satisfied with that. His wages were like a mud fish, slipping through his hands straight into Shui Qin’s, where it ran no further. He said there was nothing more natural than a man earning and giving his wife money.
After a storm had passed, the weather suddenly turned cold, the leaves yellow, and the world tighter. The sloppiness left by summer seemed outdated. Shunqiu was sensitive to autumn. As soon as it came, he felt the ache in his knee joints, an old soreness. Pinching, resisting, squeezing, pressing, pricking, massaging, he applied different methods to ease the pain.
He turned and twisted as he walked on the street, sometimes bouncing a few times with each step. Stopping to shake the soreness from his leg, he accidentally knocked over an old woman’s shopping basket. Tomatoes and potatoes rolled everywhere, some lodging beneath the wheels of cars, and others dropping into the drain. The buxom, large-hipped old woman grabbed hold of Shunqiu’s waistband and refused to let go.
Coming into contact with the opposite sex in such a large crowd of people made him blush. He quickly took out five yuan and handed it to the woman.
The old woman spewed flames from her red lips, but she spoke with a stammer, ‘My tom. . . tomatoes aren’t ordinary tomatoes. My potatoes a. . . aren’t ordinary po. . . potatoes. They’re organ . . . organic.’
‘They have organs?’ shocked, Shunqiu looked down to observe the round things scattered across the ground.
‘You are. . . laughing. . . at. . . me,’ she said angrily. ‘These tomatoes cost three yuan a piece, and the potatoes are two. . . two and a half yuan each. I paid fifty yuan in total.’
He dug through all his pockets, and each pocket stuck out its tongue at the old woman, proving the five yuan was all he had. He had saved it by skipping breakfast for the past two days.
‘Far. . . Farmers!’ The woman snatched the five yuan and picked up the potatoes and tomatoes which were still good, scolding and cursing all the while.