"No, I am," she said, taking a deep breath. "I don't know how to do this anymore."
"Do what?"
"Flirt, if that's what we're doing. I need some air."
"There are some tables out back, I'll walk you out. It's chilly, though."
"I left my sweater with Shelly," she said regrettably.
"I'll get it and you can meet me out there. How does that sound?"
******
"It was flirting," Alex told Denise after they settled on top of a blue picnic table outside of the bar. She almost wished he would wrap his arms around her. For warmth, of course. The night was chillier than the weatherman had let on, which was a good thing because they had the whole outside patio to themselves. Maybe that wasn't a good thing, she didn't know anymore. "At least on my end, it was."
"Really?"
"Yes, really," he said, bumping her shoulder with his own. "You're not as bad at it as you think you are."
"Are you sure?" she asked, unable to hide a blush.
"Positive. How long has it been for you?"
"Since I've flirted?"
"Since your breakup," he said, taking her by surprise.
"Why would you…"
"I assumed. You seem like you're trying to get over someone."
"It was a marriage," she said, unsure what else to say. It didn't seem like the time or place to tell him about Benny.
He bumped her shoulder with his own again and gave her a sweet smile. "I thought about doing that once."
"Getting married?" she asked, and he nodded. "I guess life never turns out the way we mean it to."
"You're right about that." They sat in comfortable silence for a while before he turned to face her. "I've been thinking of you a lot, ever since the bookstore the other day. I think about you all the time, honestly."
"Alex," she breathed out, inching away from him.
"I know. I have no right to say that when I'm not in town long. I don't know how long ago your marriage ended or anything, but I can't seem to help myself. I like you, Denise, I'm curious about you. I'd like to know you better."
"Alex," she said again, standing up. "You don't understand. I'm a mess. I know people say that and it doesn't mean anything, but really. I'm a mess. Like you said, you're leaving soon so why even start this? If you're thinking about dating, I can't. I don't do that. Ever."
"Never?" he asked, surprised. He stood up and faced her. "I'll respect your privacy. I won't ask how long ago your marriage ended or why you feel the need to push me away every time you see me. We just met, I get it. I thought before I go home, we could have dinner. Lunch, a movie, a walk, anything. You can't go your whole life never going on a date, that doesn't make sense."
"It makes sense to me, Alex," she said, trying to ignore his hopefulness.
"Okay," he said, relenting. "Can I give you my number? In case you change your mind."
"I won't." She could barely remember what it was like to talk to someone on the phone, romantically at least. To make plans to go out, get a burger, watch a movie. Maybe even have a couple drinks in a quiet bar, laughing and flirting while playing darts or shooting pool. The thought of going back into the dating world, even just to dip her toes in the water with someone who was leaving town any day... the thought scared her to no end. "Thanks for the offer, though. Bye, Alex."
Chapter Ten
Denise sat inside her car, not ready to leave. She was shaking, she couldn't believe it. It had been a long time since anyone asked her out or even asked for her number. In any romantic sense, she felt invisible for so long. Benny had been the only man interested in her, ever. She thought, had honestly thought, that no one could or would be interested again. She was okay with that. More than okay. Then an attractive and nice guy like Alex comes along and notices her. Despite her oversized sweaters, despite her aloofness. She didn't know what to think, what to do.
Really, she wanted to scream! She wanted to throw the same kind of tantrum she watched Roger throw earlier. She laughed, picturing him punching the wall before. It hadn't been funny at the time, he honestly scared her, but now she couldn't stop laughing about it. She laughed until she cried, she cried until she was sobbing. Ridiculously, uncontrollably, as she sat in her car in the parking lot of a bar. She hoped no one would come out and see her, yet she couldn't care less if they did.
This wasn't her life, this couldn't possibly be her life! Her life was a hundred miles away in Dallas, her life was four years before. It felt like an eternity ago and she cried for it, as she had too many times. She couldn't let it go, she didn't want to let it go.
"Hello," Shelly was saying, knocking on the window to Denise's Camry.
"I didn't see you come out," Denise said stupidly, her face hidden behind her hands. She dabbed at her eyes with her sweater before stepping out of the car. She felt Shelly's arms wrap around her neck and after a moment, she wrapped her own around Shelly. She couldn't remember the last time she hugged anyone, or even the last time someone touched her if she could help it.
"What happened?" Shelly asked gently as they pulled away from each other.
"Shelly, I'm such an idiot!" Denise cried out. "You can't look at me like that."
"Like what?"
"Like I'm a hideous mess and you feel sorry for me!" Denise cried, covering her face with her hands again.
"Don't do that. Here," Shelly said, prying her hands free. "I have a tissue."
"Thanks," Denise said, taking it and wiping her tears.
"I was worried about you, and you're still pretty."
"Yeah, right," Denise said, chuckling.
"Made you smile, at least. Do you want to tell me what happened? All the times I saw you tonight, you looked like you were enjoying yourself."
"I'm really tired." Denise dabbed her eyes with the tissue, busying herself more than anything.
"You were out here crying because you're tired?"
"Yes. I'm exhausted, really."
"I don't think I believe that. You need to talk to me, Denise. You never open up to me."
"You noticed that, huh?" she asked, attempting to laugh.
"It's not funny, I'm worried about you. When I saw Alex go back in alone, I hoped to still find you out here."
"Alex has nothing to do with this," Denise said stubbornly.
"Usually I would let that go, but not tonight." Shelly planted her hands on Denise's shoulders, forcing her to face her and make eye contact.
"Please, Shelly, I can't. Nothing matters, don't you see?"
"No, I don't see!" Shelly cried out, startling Denise. "You've become like a sister to me, but I never became one to you. I always felt, since I first met you, that we were supposed to be a part of each other's lives. I've let you into my home and my life and introduced you to all my friends and family. My sisters love you, Kyle loves you, my niece Tabby is always asking about you. Never once have you let any of us in! I've tried to ask you about Benny or anything about your life before I met you, but I get little to no response. Do you know how many hours I've logged onto the computer trying to find out more about you? And nothing! It's like you were a ghost or something, it's like you're a ghost right now. I can't understand it! Now you stand here and tell me nothing matters, Denise? Nothing matters?" Shelly was yelling now and Denise was shaking.
"Shelly..." she said, her voice trailing off, unsure what to say. Everything Shelly said was true, all of it. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, Denise. Just snap out of it! Because I can't do this anymore. I don't know what it will take to get you to stop walking around like a robot and going through the motions but never actually feeling anything. You've thanked me countless times for getting you to laugh again, for letting you in my life, but I have no idea what you're talking about when you tell me that."
"I had no idea you felt this way."
"I do. If tough love is what it is going to take, so be it. Call me when you're ready to talk, when you're ready to let people in. I have to get back to work."
&
nbsp; "Okay," Denise whispered, choking back tears. She wanted to say more, but it felt as though her voice was broken. Shelly gave her shoulder a squeeze, then turned and walked away.
******
Grace watched Denise and Shelly from the parking lot, but she stayed invisible to them. She kept a safe distance, not wanting to influence their moods. It was important to her that their emotions were their own. Grace wouldn't be needed until after Denise went to sleep.
"I've been looking for you!" Hattie cried, appearing suddenly. Grace sighed. "The humans can't see me if that's what you're worried about."
"It isn't," Grace said, shaking her head. "Sorry for my irritation. I'm thinking."
"Do you need my help?" Hattie asked, looking at Shelly as she brushed past them unaware. Shelly shuddered and looked around her before rushing back into the bar. "I'm sure our emotions together are confusing."
"Yes," Grace said, chuckling. She looked over at Hattie, a Fear Paragon. She was tiny, with dark hair that looked forever windblown and dark eyes that darted every which way. Grace had seen her do amazing things for beings who needed a jolt of fear now and again. Hattie was powerful, and her own powers made her a nervous wreck most of the time.
"Do you need help?" Hattie asked again. Grace looked over to where Denise had been before, only to see her car was gone.
"My widow has enough fear going through life but thank you, Hattie. She also has a lot of sadness inside her, but the breakdown she just had might do her some good. Time will tell."
"A widow, you say?" Hattie asked, looking around. "Maybe Victor can help?"
"Why should he?" Grace harrumphed. "If she hasn't felt much anger from it in the last few years, maybe she won't. It's not like Victor is the only one who works with the grief-stricken, Hattie. Furthermore, he never cares about the humans as much."
"Sorry," Hattie said, biting her nails ferociously. "I didn't realize it was a such a sore subject."
"It is not a sore subject!" Grace yelled before laughing. "Maybe it is. I'm sorry to take it out on you, dear."
"I'm here for ya. I know you like to avoid Victor, but he cares for you greatly. I see it every day."
"I fear he wants a replacement for Charity. He loves her so much. If anyone knows that, I do. He either wants to use me to get over it, whether it be through friendship or what, I don't know. That, or he needs someone to talk to about everything and it can't be me. Can you comprehend that?"
"I have no desire for love, no itching for a life mate," Hattie said, looking about. "I can at least grasp the idea of it. If I can do that, you should at least realize how much Victor cares for ya. He might love Charity, but he can't have her and he knows it. He has no choice but to move on. You've always been his rock and now he is denied your friendship. I only hope you will see it from his side. You are the Paragon of Love."
"Hmm," Grace murmured, eyeing her fidgety Paragon friend. "I guess I haven't looked past the pain I felt because of him, even if I'm the one who gave him that power."
"But he does not know it," Hattie pointed out. "While he can't forgive himself for flipping your loving side to hatred, on some level he believes it has to do with Charity falling in love with a human. He would never suspect it was also due to jealousy because you love him."
"Hattie!" Grace exclaimed, shocked.
"You think I didn't know? You are one of few to socialize with me, but that was mostly after Charity turned human. I might know more than all of you, strictly because I have no choice but to watch as an outsider."
"Hattie, I'm so sorry," Grace said, instinctively pulling her in a hug.
"I didn't mean anything by it," Hattie said, pulling away nervously. "I only meant to imply that it's not as if it's common knowledge, your love for him."
"That's good at the very least," Grace said, relief flooding through her. "Thank you. Is this the reason you were looking for me before? Because I feel I must get back to Denise. She's bound to be in bed soon."
"Are you going into her dreams?" Hattie asked curiously.
"I hadn't thought of that! I planned on working my powers on her. Do my jolt of love, Charity's favorite. As much as she didn't always care for romance, she was fascinated with my matchmaking." Grace chuckled, remembering her fondly. Maybe after her job with Denise was done, she would sneak in a quick visit with her.
"I miss her cheery ways. Good luck to ya tonight, whatever you do, Grace," Hattie said before disappearing back to Star Dania.
Grace closed her eyes and thought of Denise. When she opened them, she was in Denise's bedroom. She sat down on the bed beside her and placed her hands on Denise's upper chest. Grace thought of all the feelings Denise must've pushed down over the last few years since losing her husband. She would never be the same person, but it was possible to feel good again if she would allow herself.
Grace realized Denise wasn't ready for her jolt of love. It wasn't time for her to open up to Alex in that way, but there was something else she could do. She pulled forth every good feeling she had inside her- all her love, courage and happiness- and waved her hands over Denise's sleeping form, washing the feelings over her. Denise smiled as she slept.
"Goodnight, Denise," Grace whispered before closing her eyes and willing herself back home.
Chapter Eleven
Denise woke up feeling better than ever, causing her to do something she hadn't done in years. She called in to work. Luckily, Sandra was understandable, even happy about it. She told Denise she'd been waiting for years for her to call in and forbid her from coming back until Monday, with pay.
When Denise hung up the phone, she realized she didn't know what she would do with her day or the next one. Or the day after that. She only knew she didn't want to be sad anymore. She didn't want to be bitter, missing a life that was long gone to her and never learning to love her new one. She thought of Alex and his flirty smile and it made her wonder about his heartbreak. She knew he was hurting, in a different way than she was, but hurting all the same.
It made her curious about the woman who broke his heart, and she hoped one day he would tell her that story. She realized she wanted Alex to be her friend. She didn't think she would ever want more than that but a friendship she could handle, even appreciate.
It made her think of Shelly. Their friendship was important to her. She spent the night before crying herself to sleep, turning Shelly's words around in her head over and over. She needed to talk to her before she went to work that evening, although she knew at this hour Shelly would probably still be asleep.
She drank her morning coffee on the back porch, watching some squirrels playing in the yard. Then she took a shower and got dressed for the day, all the while knowing she had to get through each thing with more care than usual. She turned her music on full blast, trying to drown out the endless thoughts in her head. She took all but a couple sweaters out of her closet and threw them in a garbage bag. When she finished, she laughed at the realization that there weren't many clothes left in her closet. She grabbed her rainy-day fund stashed in the dresser drawer and loaded the shamefully large bag of sweaters in her car.
She drove into town with no true destination in mind until she came upon the strip mall and pulled in. She had never been much of a shopper, even in her former life. Probably the side effects of growing up with a single dad who hated shopping even more than she did.
One of the first shops was a clothing store that boasted sales forty percent off, so she walked inside. Luckily for her, it was an early enough part of the day and the place was almost void of people. It had always been the crowds keeping her from fully enjoying shopping. A sales lady greeted her and asked if she needed any assistance. Denise smiled, thinking the woman would probably regret the question. When it came to fashion, Denise was at a complete loss.
The saleslady proved helpful and an hour later, Denise was a few outfits richer and her rainy-day fund was quite a bit lower. She smiled as she loaded her bags into the trunk before walking to the nail salon a few
shops down. She splurged, treating herself to a manicure and pedicure, getting her nails painted a deep red. Last stop at the strip mall was a hair salon that accepted walk-ins. She was the most nervous there since she spent the last four years trimming her split ends. For too long, styling her hair had been putting it in a loose braid and that was that. With some trepidation, she found a layered style in a magazine that would fit her just fine. The stylist proved to be a good one and afterward, Denise felt like a new woman and she left the salon with a smile on her face. With her jar empty, minus some dust and a few coins, she went home to try on her new clothes while listening to music.
******
Denise settled on a pair of blue jeans and a soft, form fitting green shirt. Her favorite buy, though, was the new wedge sandals that showed off her fresh-painted toenails. She fiddled with her necklace while she pondered ringing the doorbell. Her finger kept almost touching it before she would change her mind. It was back at the doorbell again when the door opened and Shelly stood there, looking bewildered.
"Who are you?" Shelly asked, a huge smile on her face.
"Hi, Shelly," Denise said, smiling back.
"I can hardly believe it!" Shelly squealed. "Turn around, you beautiful woman!"
"Stop it," Denise said but did a quick spin anyway, smiling all the while.
"I love it, I love it, I love it! The hair, the clothes, everything. Get your butt in here!" Denise laughed and followed her friend inside. "I'm not going to fret that you went shopping without me," Shelly said after they were seated on the oversized couch in her living room.
"I wondered if you would say something about that," Denise said with a laugh. "It was spontaneous, and I figured you would be sleeping."
"Probably, considering I just got ready for the day. For my work shift no less," Shelly pouted.
"I'm sorry. I can go."
"Don't you dare. I can afford to be late for once in my life."
"Aren't you always late?" Denise laughed.
Crashing Into You (Paragon Series Book 3) Page 6